


Parting Words

by thelastaerie



Category: Freier Fall | Free Fall (2013)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:41:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 93,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25341868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelastaerie/pseuds/thelastaerie
Summary: This is a post Canon fic set 10 years after the movieMarc is now a Sergeant in Berlin’s criminal investigation police department (KriPo), balancing a promising career and a busy dating life.  Even though the one regret in his life remains, Marc believes he has moved on - or so he thought until he sees Kay again by chance on the train one morning.Just like before, seeing Kay unravels Marc’s life.  It doesn’t help that Kay seems to be doing a disappearing act.Their paths crossed when a work-related opportunity presents itself, they soon find out how much has changed and how much has remained the same between them.The story will start with Marc's POV for the first few chapters, then Kay's POV.  And a mix of both later on.
Relationships: Marc Borgmann & Kay Engel, Marc Borgmann/Kay Engel
Comments: 582
Kudos: 168





	1. The 0813 Train

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, still trying 999 ways to reunite these two... 😝

Part 1 - Marc

The day started like any other.

Marc woke up at 7am like he has done for the past three years, since he moved to Berlin.

He carried his own travel mug to the coffee shop outside the U-Bahn station to get his daily cup, standing at the rear end of the platform 1 minute and 30 seconds before the 0813 train arrived.

And just like any other Tuesday morning rush hour, the train was packed. There was never any seat available, so Marc never attempted to read in his commute; he stuffed a pair of airpods in his ears and listened to a podcast about true crime he had downloaded the night before.

He stood in the middle of the last carriage, holding onto the yellow metal pole as the train swayed and sped away. Like a well-trained policeman, his eyes made a sweep of the passengers around. Recognised a few faces who he saw every day on this train.

The sudden change of light when the train switched from overground track to underground at Kurfürstenstraße station always surprised him. Marc blinked a few times to adjust, he carefully took a sip of coffee from his cup.

It happened when he looked up from the sipper lid; that’s when Marc saw him.

There in the next carriage, five metres away, with a dozen passengers between them, stood Kay Engel.

Marc couldn’t say why he instantly knew it was Kay. It shouldn’t be so easy. After all, he hasn’t seen the man for 10 years; he didn’t have any photos of Kay to remind him. And Kay was wearing a light grey suit.

Marc had never seen Kay in a suit before.

But there was no mistake. Marc was certain that was Kay.

He muted his AirPods, tilting his head a little to the left for a better angle, Marc began to take in the individual components that made up Kay Engel: his dirty blond hair now in a modern cut with taper fade on both sides, his golden stubble a day old, those big almond shape eyes still framed by dense eyelashes in a darker shade. The same straight nose and the cut glass jawline.

The crisp white shirt underneath the grey suit was tight-fitting, with the top two buttons open. Wide shoulders, narrow hips and long legs. Kay still had a runner’s body; the same body that Marc once had intimate knowledge of. Of course, like Marc, Kay was now in his mid-thirties; his youthful sexual energy replaced by an air of artful allure.

The sounds of the U-Bahn speeding on metal tracks were muted, as if he was listening to them underwater. All Marc could hear was the pounding of blood in his ears, his own heavy breathing.

Something clenched and unclenched in him, his heart jumped, he couldn’t believe his eyes. It was like looking through a tunnel-vision camera lens, everything around became blurry with a sharp focus only in the round centre, where Kay was.

The dream-like vision began to make Marc wondered if he’s dreaming. The loud screeching sound broke his thought as the train suddenly pulled into Nollendorfplatz station. The train door opened, and Kay stepped off.

He never once looked Marc’s way.

******

_Kay is here. Kay is in Berlin._

Marc’s mind went back to a conversation he had with Frank almost six years ago.

**_“Hey, guess what? I saw Britt the other day, she said she saw Kay in Wolfsburg.”_ **

**_“What’s Britt doing in Wolfsburg?” Marc tries to change the subject._ **

**_“Her sister lives there -” Frank glares at Marc. “The point is, she said she saw Kay with a friend in a restaurant there. But she couldn’t say hello because they were leaving.”_ **

**_When Marc doesn’t say anything, Frank raises his eyebrows. “Aren’t you curious?”_ **

_Am I curious?_ Marc thought bitterly.

Wolfsburg, Munich, Stuttgart... over the years, Marc has heard a few sightings from his ex-colleagues about Kay’s whereabouts. They never told Marc directly, Marc only ever heard about them through Frank. But none of them could say for sure it was him. For a while, Kay’s sudden disappearance was like a mystery for the Ludwigsburg BePo team to solve.

For them, it was a game. The speculation, the gossiping.

Marc had tried too. He had tried for two years. Looking for Kay. But it was futile. The man disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared in Marc’s life.

Marc looked at the google map on his work monitor. Kay has gotten off the train at Nollendorfplatz station, there were a lot of offices around that area…

“Hey Marc. Hey!”

Marc was startled by a hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw his partner, Nina, looking at him with her huge green eyes. She had a Berliner in her hand. “Want one?”

Marc frowned at the sugary donut in her hand and shook his head. “Not my idea of breakfast.” Nina was 6 months pregnant and has been craving all sorts of snacks.

“Suit yourself. More for me,” she said and promptly bit into the Berliner. A line of white icing sugar coating around her upper lip.

Marc chuckled.

“What?” Nina dared him to say something.

“Nothing.” Marc held up his hands in a surrender sign.

“Say it. I look like a hippo.”

“You don’t look like a hippo.”

“Thank you.” She patted Marc’s cheek. “You’re going to be a good husband to a very lucky person someday.”

Marc rolled his eyes.

Nina glanced at his monitor. “Why are you checking the map? Going to a new restaurant with your date?”

“Huh?”

Then Marc remembered. He had a date tonight. From the online app that Nina had helped setting up a profile for him.

He closed the google map on his PC. “Nothing.”

Nina’s sharp eyes watched him carefully for a second, scrutinising. Kay Engel had been a secret in Marc’s life when they were together; in a way, he was still a secret in the new life Marc has built, no one outside Ludwigsburg knew that history.

“Marc, Nina? My office.” Chief Inspector Berger stuck his head out from his office.

Nina threw him a ‘I will let you off this time’ look before they went to Berger’s office.

“Sit down.” Berger gestured.

Marc has been under Berger for three years now, he was Marc’s second supervisor since he graduated from advance police class for the criminal investigation department (KriPo) six years ago. The transfer to Berlin was a step forward for his career.

KriPo suited Marc. The anti-riot unit back home where he first started his career was all testosterone-filled macho posturing; the criminal investigation branch was more - in Frank’s word - cerebral.

Marc felt at home here. He felt like he could be himself here.

Berger gave each of them a thick folder. “Are you aware of the new anti-theft technology in a number of new luxury car models?”

“The motor sensor key fob? It’s designed to stop relay attack on keyless car theft.” Marc made an educated guess from the brochure on top of the folder. He had read about it. All big brands in Germany were rolling this out. BMW, Mercedes, Audi etc.

Berger nodded. “Yes, it is a relatively new anti-theft technology.” He paused. “I don’t suppose either of you drives the latest model with this fob?”

Nina snorted. “Landespolizei will have to give me a good raise first.”

Berger smiled. “Anyway, there has been an unusual rise in car thefts targeting these vehicles in recent months. We have handled five cases in this precinct alone, and that’s just last month. And some of stolen cars were never found, some turned up in several former Soviet bloc countries. The car manufacturers and insurance companies are worried.”

“Is there a security flaw in their design?” Marc asked.

“No, at least not according to them. The cars didn’t appear to be broken into. They suspected it’s an insider’s job –“ He looked at both of them before he continued. “The police investigating these crimes are suspecting involvement of Russian gangs operating in Berlin.”

That’s not too far-fetch. Marc thought. Berlin was a hot bed for Russian gangs. It was one of the biggest differences between police work in Ludwigsburg and an international city like Berlin.

“A task force has been set up. The federal police who deals with organised crime are working with the car manufacturers to investigate, they want some local input, that’s where we come in.” Berger’s eyes briefly glanced at Nina’s tummy. “Don’t worry, the gang surveillance will be handled by the federal police. We, as city police, will handle local information gathering and analysis.”

“You are sending us to the task force?” Marc wanted to confirm.

Berger nodded. “It’s boring desk work mostly. But I am sure you both know, it’s a good opportunity. A successful task force will look good on your C.V.”

“Where are you sending us to and do I need new pantsuits?” Nina quipped.

Berger’s finger pointed to the ground. “They want to keep it low-key, so they are coming here,” Berger sounded amused. “We will allocate two rooms in this station. You two will report to Chief Inspector Hartmann of the Federal police next Monday.”

The preparation for joining the task force next week and Nina’s constant teasing about his upcoming date helped to keep Marc’s mind occupied.

Marc went through several similar online dates, now he’s used to this dance. Sometimes there would be a second date, but so far, no further than that; sometimes if his date was a man, they would fuck even if they weren’t going to see each other again. One thing Marc liked about online dating was that he could put down ‘bisexual’ on his profile and he never had to explain it. No judgement and no pretending.

At 8:30pm, he went to an upscale bar to meet his online date, Nicola, a brunette who looked a lot like her profile photo. They shared the love for obscure old TV comedies and chatted pleasantly for nearly two hours; they exchanged phone numbers by the end of the evening, Marc walked her to the U-Bahn station, and they went home separately.

He hasn’t thought about Kay after he had closed that google map on his PC.

It wasn’t until the next morning, before Marc boarded the train that he started to run through several scenarios in his head - how to approach Kay. He imagined Kay’s expression when his gaze finally rested on Marc. _Will Kay recognise him right away, like Marc did? Will Kay say something first? Will he pretend he doesn’t know Marc?_ All the questions bombarding Marc’s mind in the 1 minute and 30 seconds he waited on the platform.

Maybe that’s why Marc was so unprepared for the crushing disappointment when he got onto the 0813 train and Kay wasn’t in the next carriage.

Nothing. No sign of him.

In mere 24 hours, after just that short glimpse of him, like looking through kaleidoscope glasses, Marc began to wonder if he had hallucinated the whole thing.

And once again, Kay Engel remained a ghost of his past.


	2. Now You See Me, Now You Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay reappears  
> Marc works in a task force and goes on a 2nd date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KriPo - short name for Criminal Investigation Police

Marc rubbed his eyes and blinked.

It’s Thursday morning. And Kay was back. On the 0813 train.

This time he dressed more causally, with a navy-blue mac coat, dark jeans and trendy slip-on sneakers. Like a lot of passengers, one hand holding the metal pole, his eyes were glued to the mobile phone in his other hand, checking text messages or emails.

Marc’s stomach did a flip-flop. After yesterday’s disappointment, he had decided to stop entertaining the idea of approaching Kay; had vowed to himself not to look for him on the train.

And now, Marc was staring again. At Kay. This time, he started to notice finer changes in Kay’s appearance - the lines around his eyes were more prominent as he smiled and gave way to a female passenger to pass; his stubble looked denser; but he also recognised the old Kay, the same way he always stroked his chin with his thumb and index finger; the same way when he stuck his tongue to the corner of his mouth when he’s concentrating. He looked good. Maturity agreed with him, it seemed like.

Nollendorfplatz station arrived and Kay got off at his usual stop.

The next two weeks, the same schedule happened. Marc would get on the 0813 train and he would find Kay standing in the next carriage on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Just these two days, like clockwork. Sometimes he was wearing a suit, sometimes just jeans and a sport jacket.

Marc has worked out that Kay got on the train before he did, that he always got off two stops later at Nollendorfplatz, giving Marc exactly 5 minutes and 20 seconds to look at him from a distance. Two times a week.

And this whole time, he hasn’t once looked Marc’s way.

That posed a problem. The first time, Marc had been unprepared, the next day, he was disappointed; then when Kay resurfaced on the third day, Marc was so shocked, he had been rooted on the spot.

By the following week, he has lost his nerve.

******

There were 20 people working in the Taskforce, dubbed Operation Yellow Sting. It was headed by Federal Police Chief inspector, Mats Hartmann.

Hartmann was reassuringly straight-talking, stoic and pale. An imposing figure. Marc and Nina have been mostly doing desk work, going through mountains of documents, police reports from various police precincts, tagging and analysing.

Nina seemed happy to be glued to the desk for the remaining of her pregnancy. Marc didn’t mind either, he knew very well that nowadays, investigative police works were 50% done on computers and it was all about analysis.

_Cerebral, as Frank said._ He chuckled lightly to himself.

“Found anything interesting?” She asked Marc, holding a green highlighter pen.

Marc nodded. “Not sure if it’s significant, but I find a lot of stolen cars are insured by two companies.”

Nina flipped through some paper and pulled out some notes she had written down. “OstWest Group?”

“And Der Neuer Standard,” Marc said. “I found nearly 90% of the stolen cars with that fob design were insured by them, which isn’t that uncommon, they are two of the biggest car insurers...”

“We can run that by Hartmann, see if they’ve already picked this up?”

Hartmann was impressed by the possible connection they found.

“The insurance companies might be a good lead. Put the data in your report and run a full search on all the cases insured by these two companies, see if you can find other patterns, where the stolen cars ended up, who reported them stolen, the pay-out situation... anything catches your eyes, really. We are still in early stage of the investigation. It will help us identify what leads to work on.” Hartmann added, “good work.”

Just before he went back to his office, he turned around and looked at Marc for a few seconds. Then he asked out of the blue, “you are from Stuttgart, aren’t you?”

“Close enough. Ludwigsburg,” Marc nodded. Most people considered Ludwigsburg a suburb of Stuttgart anyway.

“A family member of mine is from around there as well, must be quite a change of scenery.”

That would be an understatement. “Police works are a lot more interesting here, but I am still trying to find good spätzle.” Marc gave his stock answer.

Hartmann let out a rare chuckle. “I know someone who can point you to the right place, I’ll ask him next time.” He went back into his office.

Nina looked at his retreating back then at Marc. “What just happened?”

Marc shrugged.

“He is straight and married, as far as I know,” Nina frowned.

_That doesn’t mean much, I am the prime example._ Marc secretly thought. But he didn’t think Hartmann’s sudden interest carried any sexual overtones, more like he’s trying to set Marc up with someone, which was the last thing Marc needed right now. Plus, he already has two dates lined up this week, thanks to Nina’s dedicated efforts.

His mind briefly drifted to Kay, he was wearing a different grey suit yesterday morning, a linen suit this time, as the weather has gotten warmer lately. _Today is Wednesday, that means he will see Kay on the train again tomorrow..._

“Why are you smiling?” Nina narrowed her eyes.

“Nothing.”

Frank was ecstatic when Marc mentioned over the phone that he’s in a multi-agency task force.

“I am happy for you, my friend. Careers are made from a successful task force.” Frank enthused. He didn’t have a jealous bone in his body.

Over the years, Marc has furthered his career by completing dual study in Polizeifachschule, progressing to middle-level, more glamorous police departments, whereas Frank had chosen to stay in BePo, slowly working his way up.

“I am just one team member, the Federal police is the one driving it,” Marc said, downplaying the significance.

They chatted a little bit more about their ex-colleagues. Eiden was a few months away from retirement; Britt was going through her second divorce and vowed to lay off straight men for good.

“Now she says she wants to have a baby with a gay friend,” Frank sniggered. “Maybe she has good experience with gay men, remember she used to go out with - “

Realising he was about to say Kay’s name, Frank managed to stop himself in time. “Well, you know... she definitely gets along well with them. Who knows? Maybe she would get her baby wish.” He concluded clumsily.

Marc had thought about telling Frank about seeing Kay on the train. His old friend was probably the only person who knew details of his relationship with Kay. By details, he meant Frank knew that they had met in the training academy, that Kay had transferred to their team because of Marc, that Marc had cheated on Bettina with Kay, that when Marc ended the affair, Kay vanished.

Vanished. As in quitting his job, leaving town, changing phone number, burning all contactable bridges. Marc couldn’t think of a better word to describe it.

“Huh. It is as if he knew you’d try to find him,” Frank had said at the time.

What Frank didn’t know was that for more than five years, Kay Engel was still the first thought in his mind when Marc woke up; that even after Marc has given up hope of finding Kay, that bone-deep regret stayed. Always.

Years of seeing him everywhere. It always caught Marc by surprise - when he thought he had gotten over Kay - one day some random blond guy with a buzzcut walked past him on the street and bam! Marc’s heart stopped.

Kay Engel was an open wound that never healed. Sure, Marc no longer thought about him every day, hadn’t for years now. Marc had moved on, he dated, had long-term relationships, nearly got married; but somehow, something always held him back.

The wound still oozed blood from time to time. The smallest thing would trigger that memory. It didn’t help that every time he returned to Ludwigsburg to visit his parents; the sight of his old house always brought back memories. Memories Marc knew he had to let go.

******

Marc woke up on Thursday with Kay’s image behind his eyelids. He rolled to one side, closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_This is not good._ Marc didn’t want to go back to those days, that’s behind him now. He would not allow regret taking over his life again. Maybe all he needed to do is to miss that train, take an earlier one, take the next one, there’s one every 8 minutes. Then he wouldn’t have to make a decision, wouldn’t have to wonder what would happen if he walked past the crowd between them and stood in front of Kay...

Marc was a minute later than usual, but still he was on the platform 30 seconds before the 0813 train pulled into the station.

The 5 seconds delay to look for Kay was a childish defiance he played in his own mind, when Marc finally turned his gaze to the next carriage, expecting to catch Kay in casual attire, like he usually did on Thursdays; Marc’s view was partly blocked by a man standing next to Kay.

They knew each other. Marc could tell. The man was tall and slim and... for lack of a better word, showy. He wore a well-cut suit in electric blue, wavy shoulder length hair styled with hair products. He was talking to Kay animatedly, but Marc couldn’t make out the word with the underground train noise.

It looked innocent and friendly enough until Mr electric blue’s finger reached out and brushed away some invisible smudge on Kay’s cheek.

Not so innocent after all.

Suddenly that 5 minutes and 20 seconds Kay-time seemed endless to Marc, he willed his eyes to move away but they remained stubbornly on their target. A string of laughter filtered through the carriage, he started to wonder why he didn’t listen to his instinct this morning to take another train.

In the end, it was Kay’s slow smile that knocked the breath out of Marc, and after that he had to escape. At least mentally, he needed to take himself away from a place where Kay’s giving his smile away to someone else.

Marc clumsily took out his mobile phone and pretended to be busy with it.

The train reached Nollendorfplatz station. Marc kept his eyes on his phone. He watched Kay walking toward the exit on the platform as the train sped by; only then did he return his gaze to the next carriage.

Mr Electric blue was still there, eyes glued to his mobile phone like dozens of other passengers. He was still on the train when Marc got off at his usual stop. And Marc knew this would be the last time he saw this person, because starting from next week, he would not be on the 0813 train anymore.

******

Marc was going to a second date with Nicola that evening. Six hours before they were supposed to meet for a drink, he called her and asked if she would like to have dinner afterwards.

She accepted right away.

Nina overheard the conversation, she put down her highlighter pen and started singing Justin Timberlake’s Soulmate, “ _soulmate for the night, let me put my soul on you, it’s only right. Let me pull you up out your body into mine, let me be your soulmate for the night..._ ”

Marc rolled his eyes. “I suggest you audition for ‘The Voice of Germany’, if you want a singing career.”

“Why? Because the judges won’t see my face? Nice try. Attack my self-esteem just so I won’t ask you about your date number 2.” Nina retorted swiftly. “So? You’ve found your soulmate?”

“It’s just a 2nd date,” Marc sighed. He should have just texted Nicola, but he’s old fashioned like that.

“The first 2nd date for quite a while.”

“Thank you for keeping track of my dating diary for me.”

Nina bumped his shoulder. “I am happy for you.”

Marc shook his head. “Want your 3rd cup of decaf coffee?” He asked and went to the kitchen.

Marc leaned against the kitchen wall, waiting for Nina’s super slow V60 coffee dripper to finish making her cup; he closed his eyes briefly, allowing himself a moment to remember, Kay’s slow smile from this morning, recalling the two dimples on his face, that hasn’t changed one bit...

“Marc? I think Sara found something.” Nina shouted.

“Coming.”

Concentrate on getting his work done and then going on a date. That’s how he planned to get through today.

They have presented their findings on the insurance paper to Chief Inspector Hartmann and they’ve expanded their search and assigned another officer to help them.

They were getting somewhere; Marc could feel it. The insurance of these stolen cars was concentrated on two insurance companies that were under the same network. If he could establish more patterns and figured out how they were linked.

Marc was woken up by the smell of coffee the next day - in an unfamiliar bed. It’s barely 6:30am.

“You don’t mind? I have a client meeting this morning,” said Nicola. She was fully dressed in a white blouse and a charcoal grey pencil skirt, holding two mugs of coffee.

Marc took one mug from her. No, he didn’t mind. He knew the drill.

“I will be out of here in five minutes,” he said.

She smiled. “Not that urgent. Enjoy your coffee.” Her fingers lightly brushed his, passing the mug.

“Thank you.” It was good timing, now Marc would have time to go back to his own apartment to get change, so Nina wouldn’t make the ‘yesterday’s clothes’ joke.

Nicola watched him carefully, a faint smile still on her face. “I had a good time last night.”

Marc nodded stiffly, more to the coffee mug than meeting Nicola’s eyes. “Me too,” he replied politely, trying for a small smile.

Nicola was quiet after that, she kept looking at Marc with a thoughtful expression.

“You talk in your sleep; do you know that?” she said out of the blue.

Marc looked up at her.

“Oh yeah? What did I say?” He asked slowly, he didn’t do that often. The last person who told him that was Bettina.

“A name... Kai? Kyle?” She tiled her head a little. “You sounded like you were looking for him.”

It must be some kind of poetic justice that the most insightful description of Marc’s state of mind came from the person he used to avoid thinking about Kay.

“I have no idea.” Marc huffed out a nervous laugh. Didn’t bother to explain whether he had no idea that he talked in his sleep or no idea who Kai was.

She didn’t push for an explanation either.

“I have to leave in 10 minutes, is there enough time for you to get ready?” She said after finishing her coffee.

“Of course,” Marc answered.


	3. The One Who Got Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc spends quality time with his son, a dinner with friends brings out memories

“Papa, I need the Wi-Fi password for my new iPad.” Lukas demanded while taking off his sneakers quickly and running inside the apartment.

“Lukas!” Bettina called sternly behind him. “No iPad until after lunch.”

Marc smiled. He didn’t mind giving the Wi-Fi password to his son, but he would never undermine Bettina when she tried to discipline their 10-year-old son.

“Thank you for bringing him here this weekend. I am working 12 hours a day this week with the task force,” Marc said.

Bettina shook her head, still looking at Lukas. She turned to Marc. “We are visiting Philip’s grandmother anyway this weekend. It’s only fair that we make the trip once in a while.”

Today her hair was a short wavy bob in reddish brown colour. Over the years, Bettina has made more changes with her hair styles and colours than she did with her relationships. She met Philip about a year after she and Marc broke up, they lived together for 3 years before getting married. And 4 years ago, Lukas’s half-sister, Lili, was born. They moved to Wolfsburg soon after, the city’s proximity to Berlin pathed the way for Marc to take up a job here.

Marc’s relationship with his ex was a strange mix of friendship and dissonance. Some part of Bettina would never forgive him, the betrayal was too personal, too painful but they shared a common goal - to raise Lukas together properly.

It was the first time Bettina has come to this 3-bedroom apartment Marc had recently moved into, an upgrade from the small 2-bedroom after he’s been promoted to Sergeant two months ago. Now he could have an office and a 2nd bedroom for Lukas’ visit.

Her eyes made a quick sweep of the living room, no doubt paying attention to the few photo frames in the living room. They were all photos featuring Lukas and Marc’s parents and group photos with his police colleagues. No sign of new love interest.

“How’s the online dating going?” She asked. Her eyes were on Lukas, who was already digging out the Nintendo Switch in Marc’s TV cabinet; but Marc knew the nonchalance was an act.

Marc shrugged. “It’s going alright.” No way he’s giving her any more than that.

“I don’t know how you do it. I feel tired just thinking of going through all the small talks.”

Marc smiled politely but offered nothing further.

There was no romantic love left between them, but Marc knew. He knew Bettina would always want to make sure that she’s living a better life than Marc after their break-up.

She curled her lip a little and Marc knew what was coming. “Still only looking for blonds?”

Marc had had two boyfriends over the years, neither had lasted more than six months; Bettina had only met one of them. But yes, they both had blond hair; and yes, they both bore a small resemblance to Kay.

Seeing Kay again and that little episode with Nicola, Marc was in no mood to hear more jabs from his son’s mother. He lifted one shoulder. “Guess that’s my type,” he said, returning a rare cynical reply.

Bettina left with a curt goodbye soon after that.

Feeling slightly rattled, Marc returned his attention to Lukas. They made pizzas together with the new pizza oven. A house-warming gift from Nina. Then he played a few rounds of Zelda with his son with the game console.

Marc would admit he tended to spoil Lukas a little, that’s only natural when you don’t live with your child. He made sure Lukas always had a fun time with him with a packed schedule and father and son bonding time.

“Papa, what’s a Junggeselle (Bachelor)?” Lukas asked while admiring the colourful Nintendo joy-con.

“Where did you hear that?” Marc’s brow furrowed.

“I heard Mama told Philip that you’re a permanent Junggeselle. Is that your job title?”

_Your mother probably thinks that’s my job._ Marc chuckled. “No, that only means man who isn’t married.”

“But now you catch bad guys in your new job, right?” Lukas said, already lost interest in his original question. He cracked open the Zelda case clumsily, the game card inside popped out.

“Don’t be so impatient... now here.“ Marc picked up the card from the floor. “How’s the new school?”

Bettina has spent a better part of the past few years making sure that Lukas could get into a Gymnasium secondary school. They both wanted Lukas to be on the path to attend university.

“Too much homework!” Lukas grumbled.

Marc huffed. “How about friends? Make any new friends?”

“Some. But Philip is making me go to school with Emily, she’s very annoying.”

“Who’s Emily?”

“She lives next door; we go to the same school.”

“That’s good then. Someone to talk to on your way to school.”

Lukas twisted his little face. “I don’t like girls. They giggle and cry all the time.”

Marc laughed. “Really? You might change your mind soon though.”

“Mama said one day I will want to live with a girl. I don’t know. I want to live with Noah instead.”

Marc stilled, nearly dropping his joystick. “Who’s Noah?”

“He’s my new best friend, he has a really cool bike and we are building robots together.”

“Do you? Robots, huh? That must be fun. Can I see them?”

“Of course. I will bring one next time. Maybe you can help me give them names. You can control them with iPad and Noah said we should build more, like an army, then we can fight with other people’s robots...” Lukas started talking about his robot world domination plan for another five minutes while multi-tasking with the video game.

“... Noah says no girls allowed. I want to live with Noah instead of some girl,” Lukas concluded.

Marc smiled. He dropped his head and kissed the top of his son’s head. “You can live with anyone you want when you grow up. Noah... or Princess Zelda?” He joked.

Lukas rolled his eyes. “Papa, I am not a baby. Even I know Zelda is not real.”

******

Tuesday.

Marc lay awake in bed. If he wanted to catch the 0813 train, he needed to get up in the next 2 minutes.

He closed his eyes. _Miss the train. You lost him 10 years ago and it’s your own damn fault. Get over it._ He told himself.

Marc was standing on the platform at 0812.

His head full of three different sets of memories, fighting for dominance in his mind: the new, older Kay, sophisticated and effortlessly cool; the younger Kay, grabbing Marc’s arms, confessing his love; then the new Kay again, giving his gorgeous smile to someone else on the train.

Marc shoved his shaking hands into the pockets of his brown suede jacket as the train pulled into the station.

He took a shallow breath and looked to the next carriage.

Kay, in a grey suit again, looking sun-kissed and handsome, was alone today. No sign of the boyfriend.

Marc didn’t know when he attached the boyfriend label to the guy from last week, but it didn’t matter now. He’s not with Kay.

The knots in his stomach untied, though Marc wasn’t even aware of their existence. Now he got his 5 minutes 20 seconds of looking at Kay back, free of distraction.

Kay looked good. The slight tan on his face made Marc wonder where he had spent his past weekend.

After days of wavering and struggle, Marc gave up resistance; he stared greedily. Couldn’t get enough. His mind willing Kay to look his way, wanting the blond man to acknowledge him. This fierceness of this wish rivalled his inability to make the first move; afraid to find out what was left between them.

******

“If your new car got stolen, will you buy the exact same model for your wife few months later?” Nina asked, passing Marc a plate of hot potato salad.

Marc made a quick glance at Sven, Nina’s husband, before he answered, “You are talking about the three cases where married couples made insurance claims for the same model of cars.”

“Uh-huh. Within 4 months! And they used different insurance companies, that’s unheard of. I mean, families use multi-car insurance plan to get discount. That’s certainly weird, right?”

“I agree, we should check how they finance their cars and if the insurance companies have flagged— “

“Hey, no cop talk at dinner table,” Sven warned mildly.

“Sorry. Hard to switch off when you wife has found her calling,” Marc joked.

Nina has been enjoying all the financial forensic works, she’s even talking about taking extra courses in that area. Marc knew despite the impending motherhood, she’s still very career minded. “But of course, we will see about that after I unload this little human,” she said, point to her belly. She’s due in 2 months.

“And Papa can’t wait for you to come out,” Sven gently rubbed Nina’s belly, talking to it. “And I am going to give you a beautiful name like my Oma - “

“No, Sven, I am not naming our daughter Gertrud...” Nina cried.

“But I promised my Oma - “

“Sven - “

The scene reminded Marc a lot of Bettina’s pregnancy; he used to rub Bettina’s baby-bump, even sang to his unborn child. The two of them would make countless lists of baby names. Even though the pregnancy wasn’t planned - Marc had wanted to focus on his police career and maybe get married first - when he found out Bettina was pregnant, he was ecstatic. Suddenly, job security, checked; owning a home, checked; life partner, checked; children, checked. The order of what comes first didn’t matter; everything he ever wanted was there.

Or what he had once thought he wanted.

Until halfway through Bettina’s pregnancy, he met the person who went on to turn his world upside down. Without warning, in a matter of months, the life as Marc had known was gone. Gone also was the person responsible for that.

But still, Marc loved being a father. That has never changed. Nothing would make him regret having Lukas.

He was so deep into his reflections; he didn’t notice both Nina and Sven have stopped arguing and now staring at him.

“What?” Marc asked.

“How did you and your girlfriend come up with the name Lukas?” Sven asked.

“Huh?” Marc scratched the back of his neck. He honestly didn’t remember. “I remember we had a long list... then down to 3 names... then... “ He did an apologetic shrug to Sven. “I guess Bettina made the final decision.”

“Ha!” Nina exclaimed triumphantly.

The truth was Marc hadn’t been thinking about baby names during the last two months of Bettina’s pregnancy.

Sven grumbled sullenly.

Marc knew him long enough to know it’s all a playful act. They adored each other, that’s plain to see; not to mention, Nina had Sven wrapped around her little finger.

“Anyway, back to you, Marc. Nina told me you were on your 2nd date with... what’s her name?” Sven turned the spotlight on Marc.

“I never told Nina her name,” Marc quipped.

“And you need to rectify this fact!” Nina protested. “I built your online profile.”

Marc laughed, shaking his head. If a proper relationship ever materialised out of this online app, Nina would hold this over his head forever.

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about a 3rd date yet.” In fact, Marc wasn’t sure if there was would be one. “I am taking this online dating thing slowly.” He added unconvincingly.

“I have to say, I am glad I met Nina the good old-fashioned way. Online dating terrifies me,” Sven shuddered.

“Because meeting the love of your life in a bar is so reassuring,” Nina rolled her eyes, then turned to Marc. “How did you meet Brigitte, anyway?”

Marc had told Nina about Brigitte. The girlfriend he almost married three years ago, before Marc moved to Berlin.

“We met at a party through a mutual friend...” Marc paused. Perhaps it was the bottle of wine he shared with Sven tonight, he felt relaxed and unguarded, knowing he’s among friends. “Actually, before I met Brigitte, I went on a few dates with one of her male colleagues.”

“So, she knows she’s competing with the whole population. Brave woman,” Nina quipped, wagging her brows. That’s what she always liked to say. Though he never made a thing about it, Marc’s bisexuality was no secret within the police department, and it was a constant source of teasing for Nina.

Marc shrugged. “It was not a problem for her. She’s a very confident woman. We were engaged for a year before I moved here.”

The smart and kind-hearted Brigitte, for a while, Marc had felt she could be the one.

Sven rubbed his jaw. “So, the two times you were close to getting married were with a female partner? Why is that?”

“Sven!” Nina scolded, before turning to Marc. “Don’t mind him. He’s half Swedish, they have no filter.”

Marc chuckled. He has noticed that, and he loved that about Sven, he would never say one thing and mean another.

“I don’t mind,” Marc said honestly. He thought for a moment. It was something Frank had commented on before and Marc couldn’t answer him either. “With Bettina, that was never questioned, I was young… as for Brigitte, I don’t know, there’s no particular reason, it just happened to be a she.”

“It could be your subconscious agreement with societal expectation, it’s also an easier option.” Sven offered. “We are all conditioned by them to a certain degree, I’d never underestimate people’s desire to conform to social norms.”

Nina huffed. “Honey, if you bring up your sociology degree, I’m going to...”

“It’s a master’s degree.”

“I know! I was slaving myself away in police station when you were studying for it,” Nina glared at her husband.

Marc laughed. He held up both of his hands, indicating he’s not getting into this marital argument.

Nina, of course, was only joking. These two, even when they bickered, they still seemed more in tune with each other than most couples Marc knew.

“I think in the end it’s about the person. We all fall in love with the person, not their gender,” Nina said.

“I agree 100%.” Sven pulled her in for a cuddle. “That’s why I married you because you are an awesome person.”

Obviously, the correct answer for Nina, so she gave Sven a light kiss on his cheek. She took a sip from her sparkling water and said, “well, since Marc didn’t end up marrying either of them. The conformist argument is moot.” She always preferred to have the final say in an argument.

Marc smiled to himself. The conformist argument was valid for the old Marc, he was certain. Before he met Kay, that was all Marc had done, to please, to conform to people around him. He mulled over what Sven had said. Could it be true? That Marc would choose to marry a woman because it’s easier; or he just hadn’t had much luck with a male partner...

“Maybe I just haven’t found the person I love.” Marc muttered.

_Or I had him... and I just let him get away._


	4. I Was in the Middle Before I Knew That I Had Begun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay sees Marc on the train  
> More surprises for both Marc and Kay as their paths keep crossing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KriPo - Criminal Investigation police  
> BePo - Anti-riot police

Marc had sent Nicola a text after that morning. A polite I-had-a-good-time message with no follow-up date, leaving the ball at her court. Nicola had replied with a text a day later, claiming she’d be away on a business trip for the next few days, but would like to meet up when she’s back. _As far as excuses go, a made-up business trip is as good as any._ Marc read the polite excuse with more relief than he’d care to admit; he reckoned they were on the same page.

_No 3rd date then._

Which suited Marc just fine. Work has gotten more intense, he’s working longer and longer hours, partly to cover Nina, so she could have some proper rest, partly because he enjoyed keeping himself occupied.

After working 13 hours straight at the task force on Monday night, Marc barely had time to shower, fall sleep and wake up six hours later.

Of course, it would be this day, when he was blurry-eyed, in need of a shave and a less wrinkled shirt, that Kay would finally see him.

Same 0813 train on a Tuesday.

The train was particularly packed, a group of construction workers were standing between two carriages with their muddy work-boots and oversized toolboxes. Marc caught a glimpse of the grey suit from afar but couldn’t see Kay clearly.

Just before the train departing from the next station, a less than smooth sudden start threw all the passengers backward, the woman standing next to Marc fell into him.

Marc swiftly grabbed her shoulders to steady her.

“Oops. Sorry,” she said, flashing a bright smile at him.

“No problem,” Marc said. Returning the smile and releasing his hands.

They stood stiffly next to each for a second. She was still smiling at him, but Marc’s attention was on something else completely.

Through the commotion, the crowd had parted like the Red Sea, Marc now had a clear view of the next carriage and he found Kay looking straight at him.

The surprise was clear on his face. But apart from that, Kay was as unreadable as before. Marc thought he saw a fleeting glimpse of gladness, but it was gone before it was fully formed. His lips pressed together in a thin line, unsmiling. His blue eyes strangely bright.

Marc held his breath; he held Kay’s gaze. His stomach did a somersault.

One thing for sure, Kay Engel hasn’t forgotten him. The thought had occurred to Marc plenty of times over the years, but deep down he knew it couldn’t be true. He knew Kay would remember him; Marc had hurt him too much for Kay to forget.

The past few weeks, Marc had imagined different scenarios when their eyes finally met, had told himself he would take the initiative, to talk to Kay.

Marc willed his runaway heartbeat to slow down; hands clammy, he took a small step forward -

The train jerked and stopped, pulling into Nollendorfplatz station. The doors opened.

Kay gave him a final once-over. Then he stepped off the train.

******

Marc poured himself a cup of coffee from the dubious looking coffee pot in the kitchen, wondering if it was from last night or this morning. After one sip, he grimaced at the bitter taste and threw the rest down the kitchen sink.

Nina popped in, looking fresh and alert after proper 9 hours of sleep. She leaned closer to look at him. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks. Good morning to you too,” Marc sighed.

Biting into a Berliner, she said, “thank you for letting me go home first last night. That’s why you’re in luck. I got you coffee from Einstein Kaffee, I know you’d need a second cup this morning.” She pointed with her chin to the coffee cup on her other hand.

Marc took the coffee from her and wiped the icing sugar on her chin with his thumb. “Thank you.”

“What happened to your usual gourmet coffee, thought you were too good for police station coffee.”

Marc had a hard time waking up this morning, he could come in later since he had worked so late the previous night, but he didn’t want to miss the 0813 train... so he had skipped the coffee run at the station. He meant to go get one when he arrived, but seeing Kay, no, Kay seeing him had unsettled him.

“No time.” Marc kept the answer short. He rolled his head from one side to the other, avoiding Nina’s sharp eyes. His cervical vertebra complaining, the tension in his shoulders dug in deeper.

She watched him for a second but said nothing.

Chief Inspector Hartmann was waiting for them when they returned to the Task Force meeting room.

The tip of Hartmann’s tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth as he studied the lists, maps and notes on the whiteboard. Hands on his hips.

“Have you sent out all the requests for these?” Hartmann pointed at the board.

“We have,” Marc said. He did. That’s why he had stayed so late last night, to fill in all the request forms, logging them, submitting them in the system. All boring but necessary police paperwork.

“Good. They are rather slow with these things, unfortunately...” Hartmann muttered under his breath before he spoke up again. “We are going in from two angles. One, we need to investigate what’s going on between the insurance companies and the buyers with stolen claims. Two, the insurance companies and the car dealerships. We believe one or two of them might be working with the Russian gang,” Hartmann informed them.

“So, it is an insider job?” Nina asked.

Hartmann did a curt nod. “Insider or insiders, or someone took a bribe. It’s too large scale for it not to be gang related. And I want you two to concentrate on the insurance claims. You were already familiar with them.”

Marc nodded. “It would be great if we can talk to someone from the insurance companies.”

“If the insider is from the insurance companies, we don’t know who to trust. I have something better.” Mats Hartmann rubbed his chin. “I am bringing in a P.I. who works with these two insurance companies next week.”

“P.I. as in private investigator?” Nina asked. It’s quite common for insurance companies to have in-house or contracted investigators to work on claim cases.

Marc would admit this was a good idea. “An impartial outsider who has access to inside knowledge of the insurance companies.”

“Exactly,” Hartmann said approvingly. He went on to give an update on the progress of other parts of the investigation. “I don’t want you two to feel left out. Even though this is a task force run by the Federal KriPo team, we can’t do it without your input. I will make sure your captain is aware of your excellent work.”

Marc never knew how to respond when faced with direct praise, he nodded stiffly. Until cheeky Nina jumped to save the day. “Thank you, Chief Inspector Hartmann.”

Hartmann showed a rare smile as he walked towards the door. “I think it’s time you two call me Mats.” He hesitated at the threshold, then said, “Sergeant Borgmann.”

When both Marc and Nina turned to look at him, he hastily added, “Officer Fischer. I am having a little get together with the team in my house next Sunday, just members of this task force and a few personal friends of mine. I would like you two to join us if you can.”

Marc could tell Nina was startled by the invitation. Marc too. They looked at each other for half a second before Marc took a step closer and said, “of course, we’d love to.”

“Great. Are either of you vegetarian or vegan? My wife says I always forget to ask.”

“I’ll eat anything that has its back facing the sky,” Nina quipped. Marc simply shook his head.

Job done. Mats Hartmann left the room with a hearty chuckle.

Nina waited until Hartmann has turned a corner before she raised her eyebrows. “I don’t know what’s going on. But Hartmann definitely has a plan for you. This smells like a blind date. He only invites me because I am standing next to you.”

Marc found it weird too, but he didn’t want to read too much into it. “Maybe he’s just a friendly supervisor.”

“Uh-huh. And I am going to be a 3rd wheel to you blind date. There’s no way I am missing this,” Nina enthused. She picked up another Berliner on the table, the one she claimed she bought for Marc and bit into it. “The question is whether he’s setting you up with a man or a woman. My money is on another gay or bi cop.”

Marc thought of the only gay cop he has ever fallen for. Kay’s startled lips forming a thin line, his bright eyes; wronged and hurt. He didn’t even know if Kay was still a cop.

Nina bumped the side of his arm. “Hey. What’s going on with you this morning? Are you sure you’re ok? Maybe you should go home earlier today. Get some rest.”

_I need to talk to him. Just put one foot in front of the other and go talk to him._ Marc vowed to himself.

******

That night Marc threw his wrinkled shirt in the laundry hamper with force. Bracing himself with both hands on the bathroom basin, Marc looked at his reflection in the mirror.

He was not a vain person, but who wouldn’t want to look good when they bumped into their ex? Objectively, Marc knew he’s good looking. Plenty of women and men had told him so, but after ten long, difficult years, he had shadows under his eyes and new lines at their corners. He wished they were laughter lines, but the years since Kay had walked out of his life, he could count with one hand the few times he felt genuinely happy.

Lukas made him happy; his job gave him satisfaction; in sporadic short period of time, his girlfriends, boyfriends, his almost-wife made him believe life is good and he could be happy again.

Marc longed for that feeling - when he had a lung full of air, breathing freely in big gulps, everything was possible, and he was invincible. He was loved. Not because he was good husband material, not for being a good son, not for being a good sport in a team. Truly loved for who he was.

He yearned to have that feeling back, from the one person who has ever made him feel that way.

Thursday finally came.

Standing on the crowded platform, Marc fidgeted with his shirt’s collar. He had chosen a brushed cotton shirt in light blue. Nina had said it brought out his blue eyes.

Marc thought of moving to stand nearer to the location of the next carriage but changed his mind. He wanted to have a few seconds to prepare.

The train arrived right on time. Marc got on the train.

The moment before he cast his eyes to the next carriage, he was suddenly assaulted by the memory of his old self barging into Kay’s apartment in Ludwigsburg.

What he found the next moment mirrored his memory: Kay was not there.

And just like that, Kay Engel disappeared from his life for the second time.

******

**_*I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun*_ **

Marc stared at the placard in the bookstore. On top of a stack of ‘Pride and Prejudice” German edition copies.

**_“Don’t you get it? I love you.”_ **

He never said it back to Kay. Because Marc didn’t know, or he didn’t want to know. He didn’t know he was in love with Kay too. He was in too deep before he even knew he had begun.

“Can I help you?”

Marc was startled by the question; he turned to the smiling shop assistant.

Gathering himself, he forced a smile on his face and asked, “I am looking for this list of books.” He showed the list on his mobile that Bettina had emailed to him. “They are for Gymnasium Grade 5 students,” he told the young assistant.

“Don’t just bribe him with video-games, get him these books.” Bettina had written on the email. She wanted Lukas to do some extra reading on top of the required textbooks. Getting into Gymnasium was just the start, they both wanted Lukas to fulfil his full academic potential.

“Of course,” answered the shop assistant. She quickly went over the list with her eyes and said, “we have most of them. They are for extra reading, ja? I can recommend better substitutes for the two we don’t have in stock.”

“That would be great. Thank you.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Marc picked up a copy of Pride & Prejudice while he waited. He has never read it; literature wasn’t his kind of subject. He vaguely remembered the stack of books next to Kay’s bed. Marc had glanced at them once or twice; he wasn’t surprised; he has always assumed that Kay being kind of an anarchist means he probably reads a lot of left-wing books. Marc remembered there was a copy of Berlin Alexanderplatz by Alfred Döblin, maybe Kay has always been interested in Berlin.

But Marc had never asked him, had never talked about books or Berlin with Kay; he was too busy taking what he wanted. Taking and taking... until it was too risky for him.

Why would Kay want to be with someone who never even bothered to know him?

Now he knew Kay hadn’t forgotten about him; he also hadn’t forgiven him. The guilt and regret coiled and twisted in the pit of Marc’s stomach, getting a notch tighter.

Marc had been afraid that Kay wouldn’t want to see him again, and he didn’t know whether he could handle how much that would hurt.

_And now I have my answer._

Marc heard a ping sound from his phone. It was a text message from Nicola.

>>back from biz trip. Fancy dinner next week?<<

_So, the business trip wasn’t an excuse?_ Marc was momentarily confused.

His fingers hovered over the phone keypads; he glanced at the Pride & Prejudice book again...

“Hi there. Your books are all ready. Would you follow me to the till please?” The shop assistant has returned.

Marc took a shallow breath, closed the text message app and followed the shop assistant to the cashier till.

_Later._ He told himself. Marc couldn’t deal with a new relationship prospect right now.

Nothing he could do about it now. No more thoughts of Kay, no more wallowing in sorrow, no dating app. This weekend, he’s just going to focus on Lukas and work.

******

“I saw Hartmann with the P.I. in the kitchen just now. He’s freaking gorgeous,” Nina whispered in Marc’s ear.

Marc narrowed his eyes. “Is that why you are not stuffing your face with Berliners this morning? Because of some good-looking guy?” He wasn’t in the mood for jokes, but Nina was always an exception.

Nina kicked his foot and pretended to be offended. “I am a happily married woman, thank you very much. Anyway, it’s moot because Mehmet from the Federal team told me...”

Nina trailed off as everyone suddenly gone quiet.

They were sitting at the back with a room full of other members of the task force, waiting for Hartmann to introduce the P.I. to them this morning.

Marc turned to face the entrance when he heard the door opening. Mats Hartmann walked in, quickly following by a blond-haired man in a grey suit.

Déjà vu.

Before Marc’s mind could say the name, Hartmann’s baritone voice announced, “everybody, this is Kay Engel from DKA Detektei Berlin, he will be working with us as consultant. He has a lot of experience working with the two insurance companies we are investigating.”

Marc was grateful for short time he bought by sitting at the back of the room, that he had time to get over the shock and order his heart to pipe down. Kay’s eyes make a quick sweep of the room, nodding to a few colleagues who he apparently already familiar with. By the time his eyes finally rest on him, Marc was able to school his face into a neutral expression and met Kay’s gaze head on.

Kay’s pale blue eyes lit as recognition hit him, just for a second, he looked almost panic. But he recovered quickly, he veered his gaze away without acknowledging Marc.

Hartmann has been talking this whole time, but Marc missed most of it. He couldn’t take his eyes off Kay.

“... Sergeant Borgmann and Officer Fischer are investigating the insurance claims, so that’s another area we would need your input. Come on, let me introduce you.” Hartmann was leading Kay to where Marc and Nina were sitting.

Close-up, Marc noticed more subtle changes in Kay’s appearance. His good looks could still turn heads, he’s thinner, wiry, there’s a certain hardness in his eyes, the once playful smirk was replaced by an imperious smile.

This was not the pot-smoking, carefree Kay Engel that Marc had once known.

“Call me Nina. Look forward to working with you,” Nina said quickly, shaking Kay’s hand before Hartmann finished his introduction.

“Me too,” Kay said with a bright smile, turning on his charm. The old Kay returned.

Marc stood up and waited for his turn. What he wasn’t expecting was Kay stepping forward.

“And I already know Sergeant Borgmann. We worked together in Ludwigsburg many years ago,” Kay said, extending his hand to Marc.

Caught by surprise, words got caught in Marc’s throat, he could do nothing but shake Kay’s hand.

Hartmann’s eyes widened. “Really? When you were in BePo?” He asked Kay, his voice warm and friendly. It was clear that they were acquaintances, maybe even friends.

Kay nodded; he turned his eyes back on Marc. “We were in the same BePo unit for a few weeks, Sergeant Borgmann probably doesn’t remember me.”

That stung.

“A few months,” said Marc, finally unstuck his tongue. “It wasn’t a few weeks,” he corrected Kay. “And I remember you.”

If Marc’s defensive tone bothered Kay, he didn’t show it. The same smile stayed on Kay’s face.

“That’s even better then, a reunion,” Hartmann said. He seemed excited by this.

Judging by Nina and Hartmann’s reaction, no one seemed to notice the weird energy between Marc and Kay. Or it was only Marc who felt it. After the initial shock, Kay was back to his cool as cucumber self.

Kay would be working with Federal team in the task force first. He followed Hartmann back to the other side of the office. Marc stared at his retreating back, frustration and hope warring inside his chest.

Nina touched his shoulder after Hartmann and Kay have left the room. “So, what was he like?”

“Huh? Who?” Marc played dumb.

“Blondie. Kay Engel. Was he a good cop?”

Marc looked down. “I don’t know... we weren’t close,” he muttered. “We weren’t friends,” he lied. Unnecessarily.

“So you don’t know then, what Mehmet was telling me...” Nina said.

“Know what?” Marc asked, frowning.

Nina seemed to enjoy withholding this piece of office gossip from Marc, who never had an appetite for any, except for this particular one.

She smiled smugly and said, “it’s like that saying: all the good ones are gay or married. Except Blondie here hit the jackpot; he’s gay _and_ married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four chapters for now.  
> Sorry for the "not quite cliff hanger" there. Things are not all what they seem, that's all I can say ;-)
> 
> If you've got this far, thank you! And I hope to update soon.


	5. The Cigarette Rendezvous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc has a cigarette break with Kay  
> And the party at Mats Hartmann's house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few notes on German and German traditions:
> 
> In Germany, wedding ring/band is worn on the right hand after the ceremony  
> Schwabe (plural: Schwaben): a native of Swabia region in Germany  
> Spätzle: Swabian dish, a form of pasta/noodle

_Never peg him as the marrying kind._

Kay being a married man. The idea seemed... strange. Marc tried to imagine Kay in a black suit at his wedding. He had never said it out loud, but Marc was pretty sure Kay was an atheist, so it would have been a civil ceremony, in the local Registry Office. He hasn’t noticed if there’s a wedding band on Kay’s right hand...

Marc closed his laptop. He’s been reading the same two lines he has written in his weekly report for the past 10 minutes. It was clear that he wasn’t going to get it done tonight.

The occasional coughing sounds filtered through from a distance, he knew Officer Hasan Scholl was the only one left in the KriPo office, doing his usual night shift. He pulled his jacket from the back of his chair and checked his watch. 8:30pm. Marc missed dinner again. Time to go home.

The light breeze outside was a welcoming relief. Summer in Berlin has gotten unbearably hot the last few years. Marc walked to the south end corner of the police station, a favourite spot for smokers and dug out his vape pen.

The tobacco smell and the tiny flickering amber told him someone else was already there.

Marc halted his steps.

With one foot on the wall, Kay was leaning against a wall, smoking; his eyes facing forward. He has unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of his white shirt, the rolled-up sleeves exposed two tanned forearms with barely-there golden hair. Marc wondered again where Kay spent his weekends. Has he become a sun-worshipper?

Marc worked up some saliva in his mouth and mumbled, “hey.”

Kay flicked him a quick glance before exhaling a string of smoke. He nodded to acknowledge Marc. Expressionless.

“Working late?” Marc asked, managed to keep his voice steady and without inflection.

Kay didn’t answer. He continued to look at Marc, then his gaze dropped to the vape pen in Marc’s hand.

“Trying to quit?” Kay asked, the two frown lines between his eyebrows deepened. He sounded almost curious.

Marc has been trying to quit. He has already cut down a lot over the years, but work stress still made him crave for a deep drag of nicotine.

“Mmn,” he answered non-committally. “That’s the least I could do if I want to see my son grow up.” He added.

Marc knew it was a risk. Bringing up his son.

But Kay just smiled faintly. “Feeling the threat of mortality already?”

It wasn’t a jab. His tone was challenging, it sounded like a tease. Something the old Kay would say.

Marc shrugged. “Mid-life crisis,” he quipped.

Kay snorted, looking arrogant and playful. A ‘Kay expression’ which Marc was familiar with, revelled in, once upon a time.

For a moment, Marc was lured into a sense of nostalgia, he was half expecting Kay to call him pussy any second.

After a few quiet seconds, Kay cleared his throat, pushing himself off the wall and said, “I am sorry about earlier. The bit about you not remembering me, it wasn’t cool...” Kay trailed and flicked up a glance at Marc. “You caught me by surprise,” he said, lowering his eyes again, dense eyelashes fanning out on his face.

Marc had the sudden urge to step closer and wrap his arms around Kay, but of course, he hasn’t lost his mind, so he stopped the unwelcome instinct. Clinching the vape pen tight in his hand, he called out softly, “Kay?”

Kay looked up.

Marc licked his lips, he asked carefully, “can we... do you want to go somewhere to talk?”

Kay’s jaw moved. An odd, closed expression appeared on his face; he shook his head, and said quietly, “what is there to talk about?”

It was not a question. Then he took another drag before flicking the cigarette butt away between his fingers.

“Good night,” Kay said and began to walk away without waiting for a reply.

Marc watched Kay’s back disappearing into the building. When they were talking, he noticed there was no ring on Kay’s fingers.

******

Perhaps because he has been expecting this, Kay’s cool reception didn’t hit Marc too hard. Kay had already tried to avoid him by changing his train schedule, so Marc wasn’t surprised he would decline his invitation to ‘catch up on old times’

Marc conceded that the no ring discovery might not be significant, the Kay he knew probably scorned all forms of traditions and trappings, including wearing a wedding band. It was strange enough that he got married.

Same sex marriage wasn’t even legal in Germany until few years ago... _if Kay really is married, it is a recent thing._

But what surprised him the most had been the poignancy in Kay’s voice, Marc’s heart tugged, hearing that. Kay might be married; but he didn’t look happy.

On the outside, Kay looked thinner but tougher, with a gleam of hardness in his eyes, there was barely a trace of the rule-breaking, easygoing Kay left.

_What happened to him in the last 10 years?_ Marc was pondering this when Nina suddenly thrust a giant box in front of him.

They were inside a department store, looking for a birthday gift for Lukas.

“This is it! I’ve read about it. Robot Builderbots kit,” she exclaimed, flipping the box to its back. “250 euros! Jesus... I am rethinking becoming a parent,” muttering to herself.

Earlier this morning, the two of them had driven to a garage which got caught selling parts from the stolen cars they were investigating. The chop shop was raided by local police the day before, and the parts found matched the ones Marc had submitted monitoring requests for.

Now that they have established the patterns, field works followed. Marc was happy to get out of the office - knowing Kay was in the same building working with the federal team was a big distraction.

After spending three hours in a dirty garage, checking evidence and interviewing the staff, Nina was clearly exhausted. So, Marc had ordered her to wait in the police issued car while he wrapped up the investigation himself.

Now they were on their lunch break and Nina promised to find the perfect birthday gift for Lukas.

“So, you won’t see Lukas on his birthday?” Nina asked.

Marc took the giant box from her. “I won’t because last year he spent his birthday with me. We take turns with this kind of things.”

Marc didn’t mind not being there for Lukas’s birthday tomorrow. He preferred to celebrate with his son on his own, rather than taking a day off to attend a birthday party in Wolfsburg. Marc could show Lukas the present on a video call tonight, to get him excited for next week’s visit.

“This will do.” Marc nodded, knowing Bettina would accuse him of bribing his own kid again, but he didn’t care; he took the box to the cashier in the department store.

Nina followed him. “Talking about presents. What do you think we should bring to Mats Hartmann’s party this Sunday?”

The party invitation has become more significant since Kay joined the task force. Hartmann had mentioned members of the task force would be there and a few of his personal friends. Marc was certain Kay fits in both categories and he would likely to be at the party.

Maybe even his husband would be there. Marc felt a jolt just thinking about coming face to face with Kay’s husband. Unless Kay was still keen to avoid Marc...

He shook himself off this train of thought and turned his focus back on Nina’s question. “The usual? Flowers and chocolates?”

“Let’s get it done while we are here then. Probably need something fancy,” Nina said, “Chief Inspector Hartmann strikes me as someone who enjoys finer things in life.”

******

“To be honest, when he gave us the address, I thought we are going to some kind of villa,” Nina commented, looking at the small driveway leading to a gate outside Mats Hartmann’s house in Grunewald.

The 2-storey family house looked modest for this rich neighbourhood, but it was still a big house. Marc could tell Hartmann was well-off, judging by the suit he wore, but he wasn’t flaunting it; he drove a VW Golf like everybody else.

Marc parked his own Golf next to a black Audi TT.

There was a barbecue pit in the middle of the garden and someone looking suspiciously like an off-duty cop was doing the cooking. The smell of grilled meat and the crackling sounds of sausage skin splitting reminded Marc of those barbecues he did on weekends, with Bettina, Frank and Claudia, in that first house he bought with his parents’ money. His previous life.

It was a warm and sunny day, thankfully, plenty of tall trees around to provide much needed shade. It wasn’t a big party. About 12 people from the task force were here and a few faces Marc didn’t recognise, maybe they were the personal friends that Hartmann had mentioned. Marc wondered if one of them might be Kay’s husband...

Nina had worked with the Organised Crime unit before, so she already knew some of them; Marc stayed with them for a while. According to them, Hartman organised these get-togethers few times a year, part of his team bonding efforts. They all seemed to have a good thing to say about their boss.

“My wife was admiring the Neuhaus chocolates you two brought. Thank you.” Mats Hartmann’s smooth voice appeared behind them. Marc let Nina took all the credit; he glanced behind Hartmann and saw Kay talking to Hartmann’s wife Sonja in the open-plan kitchen inside.

Hartmann was born and raised in Berlin, never served in another state, so Marc traded stories with him from his days in Baden-Württermburg state police. Marc has gotten better with social small talks over the years, but it’s still not his favourite thing to do, so he’s grateful that Hartmann has made it easy. Marc kept the conversation going, sipping his beer while keeping an eye out for Kay.

“I didn’t know you and Kay already know each other. I thought I was so clever to introduce you to someone from your hometown, a fellow Schwabe for you to trade spätzle recipes with,” Hartmann joked, referring to Marc’s fondness for the Swabian pasta.

Marc saw this as a great opportunity. “How long has Kay been in Berlin?”

Mats Hartmann thought for a moment. “A long time. I’ve known him for 6 years and he was already here when we met - oh, there he is, Kay!“ Hartmann waved his arm to signal Kay to come over.

Marc didn’t miss the quick glance Kay threw at him before he slowly walked over.

“So, Marc wants to know how long you have been a transplant Berliner.” Hartmann asked, throwing an easy arm around Kay’s shoulders.

Kay raised his eyebrows comically. “Does he?” There was an edge in his voice. He tilted his head skyward, like he’s thinking hard, then he said, “8, 9, 10 years? I forgot.”

No, he didn’t. Just like when he said Marc probably didn’t remember him. It was all an act. Marc thought uneasily. Kay was flirty and audacious, but he wasn’t someone who would play mind games. At least he didn’t use to.

“You mean right after you quitted BePo and left Ludwigsburg without telling anyone.” Marc said, looking at Kay right in the eye.

Marc could feel both Nina and Mats Hartmann were giving him curious looks, but he couldn’t help it. Not when Kay was acting like this.

He was bracing for an angry comeback, but instead, Kay apologised.

“I am sorry if my sudden departure caused any inconvenience to the team, but the team is better off without me,” said Kay. He turned to Hartmann to explain, “you see? I used to be a fickle pothead, never held down a job.”

It was obvious that Kay was trying to erase any personal history he had with Marc.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Marc said, chagrined. “You were a good cop.” And he meant it.

Kay simply shrugged; his face unreadable again.

Whatever animosity Hartmann thought Marc had towards Kay, he seemed eager to defuse it. He squeezed Kay’s shoulders and said, “never mind. Now Kay is an excellent P.I.”

Hartmann and Kay went to join the Hartmann’s unit by the barbecue pit soon after.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Nina let out a huge sigh. “Jesus, Marc. Whatever grievance you had with Blondie, pipe it down. Can’t you see how much Hartmann likes him?”

But Marc didn’t hear her. He wasn’t sure which hurt more: Kay denying their past or Kay thinking Marc blamed him for leaving.

The party seemed endless and intolerable after that. Marc decided Nina could be the designated driver on their way back, so he allowed himself another bottle of beer.

It was good that he had brought his vape pen with him in his jeans, Marc found a quiet spot behind the kitchen. He turned on the vape pen, was about to suck on it when he overheard a muffled conversation; the sound was filtering through from the other side of the backdoor, leading to the kitchen.

“Scheiße, I didn’t invite him. I will tell him to leave.”

Marc recognised Mats Hartmann’s voice.

“I should go. He will leave if I am not here... Tell Sonja...”

Marc did a double take; he couldn’t hear the rest of the sentence, but he knew the other person speaking was Kay.

“No,” Hartmann said exasperatedly. “He should be the one to go... stay... Sonja spent all day preparing... leave it with me...“

“Mats, wait...” Kay sounded like he wanted to argue...

Marc held his breath; he pressed his ear closer to the door but both of them have lowered their voices; Marc couldn’t make out any more words.

Then he heard sounds of footsteps walking away.

_Who could they have been talking about?_ Marc stood frozen outside the kitchen. There’s no doubt in his mind now that Mats Hartmann and Kay were more than acquaintances. Hartmann had sounded uncharacteristically frustrated.

Marc paced around the corner, he couldn’t shake the prickling feeling at the back of his neck. Something was not right, but he didn’t know what.

He went back to the garden, ignoring Nina’s glare at his unused vape pen. No signs of either Hartmann or Kay.

It was almost 20 minutes later when Mats Hartmann finally joined everyone again in the garden. He looked slightly harried, there were sweat spots under his armpits, but he quickly composed himself and made a short and witty speech about Solstice, crime stats and police work.

Kay never came back to the party.

Marc felt like everything that could go wrong, went wrong today.

Nina seemed to have sensed his restlessness. She gently tapped his shoulder. “Want to go? I think we’ve stayed long enough to qualify for an early exit.”

Marc nodded gratefully.

They went to the kitchen to say goodbye, but only Hartmann’s wife, Sonja was there. She was decorating a black forest cake.

“Oh wow. Look at this pretty cake,” Nina exclaimed. The sugar-junkie.

Sonja smiled. “Thank you. It’s for Kay.”

Nina spared a quick glance at Marc. “It’s his birthday?”

Sonja nodded. “We are celebrating tonight. Since both our boys are in summer camp, Kay’s staying with us this weekend.” She put her finger on her lips. “But don’t tell him. It’s a surprise. He doesn’t want to be fussed.”

“Who doesn’t want to be fussed?”

Kay walked into the kitchen. He had a black Audi car key in his hand, like he just came back from a drive.

He belatedly noticed Marc and Nina’s presence. Kay nodded awkwardly to them before he kissed Sonya on the cheek. When he saw the cake on the countertop, he sighed. “Sonja, I told you - “

“I know. But my boys are not here, so I have to spoil you instead.” Sonja patted his cheek affectionately.

“No one has ever baked me a birthday cake, let alone one this pretty.” Nina looked at the cake longingly. “Sorry but we have to go. Happy birthday,” she said to Kay.

Kay smiled to Nina. “Thank you. I will see you next week at work.”

Then all three of them looked at Marc.

Ever since Sonja mentioned it was Kay’s birthday, Marc’s eyes and brain have been trying to process everything in front of him; he felt feverish, overwhelmed and heartsick all at the same time. And for the life of him, he couldn’t utter a single word.

_Fuck. Kay’s birthday - it was just another thing that I never bothered to find out._

Then he felt a discreet pat on his back from Nina; and he snapped out of the daze.

“Happy birthday, Kay,” Marc finally said.

Kay met his gaze. For the first time since they met again, Marc saw something raw and affecting in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he replied quietly.

******

They were both quiet on the ride back. Marc was thankful. He knew there would be questions from his sharp-eyed partner later, but Nina seemed to know Marc needed sometime by himself.

After 20 minutes of companionable silence, Nina asked, “are you OK to drive back home? I can keep your car in our garage for the night.”

Marc nodded. “It’s only a 3-minute drive. I will be okay.”

He knew the old wound named Kay would hurt tonight, but he’s a grown man and he preferred to lick his wounds alone.

When they arrived Nina’s house, they both got out of the car. Marc was just getting ready to start the engine, when Nina turned back and asked, “hey, did you show Lukas the birthday gift? Did he like it?”

Marc nodded. “He thought it was Christmas.” In fact, Lukas was screaming with joy on the video call, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on it.

Talking about Lukas always lifts Marc’s mood.

It wasn’t until later that evening, when Marc was alone at home tidying up his living room, putting away the game console that it finally hit him.

The link between Lukas’s birthday and today’s date.

10 years ago, on this day, six days after Lukas was born; Kay had stopped him on a quiet road, asking Marc to admit things that he couldn’t, wouldn’t admit.

That day when Marc threw that punch, it was Kay’s birthday.


	6. The Husband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc begins working with Kay  
> Surprises and discoveries await Marc as he goes on a 3rd date with Nicola

Kay was in a pair of soft jeans and a loose-fitting white linen shirt when he showed up at the task force meeting room on Wednesday. His hands were full, he had a cross-body laptop bag on, a big folder under his arm and a thermal coffee mug in the other hand.

Nina giggled as she read the text on Kay’s coffee mug: **Blonds Prefer Gentlemen**. She took the folder from him and quipped, “Brunettes prefer gentlemen too.” Flicking her rich brown hair. “Know any for me?”

Kay flashed her a bright smile, pointedly looking at her baby-bump. “Looks like you already married one.”

“I heard you married one too,” she fired back quickly while giving Marc a meaningful look.

Kay huffed. The corner of his lip turned down; he wasn’t falling for it.

Marc fought to keep his head down, pretending to read the report in front of him. After last Sunday, Kay’s marital status was moot to Marc. Married or not, they were as far apart as they had been the past 10 years.

_And haven’t I hurt him enough already? If he’s with someone he loves. I should be happy for him._

Marc reminded himself of the conclusion he came up with after a few nights of restless sleep. He closed his eyes, mustering strength, before he looked up and greeted Kay, “good morning.”

“Morning,” Kay replied easily, briefly glanced at Marc before leisurely setting up his laptop and workstation. Every time he raised his arm, his loose-fitting shirt sleeve would slide down and expose his tanned forearm.

Marc didn’t even realise he was staring until Nina bumped his shoulder and glared at him.

_Scheiße._

Kay started working on his laptop, after a few keystrokes, he turned the laptop to face Marc and Nina.

“Mats told me you two were looking at insurance claim cases. OstWest Group hired me to investigate quite a few the past few months. They all raised red flags but for different reasons. So, where do you want to start?” Kay said, all business-like. His big almond-shaped eyes clear and serious.

Nina put down her Berliner, waiting for Marc to start.

Marc cleared his throat, decided to leave his personal regret business for night-time. He had a job to do.

“We identified some car parts belonging to our stolen cars in a chop shop last week, let’s cross-reference those with your cases first,” he suggested.

“Okay, that shouldn’t take long with the registration number,” Kay said, he began to type very fast on his laptop, then looked up at Marc again. “What else?”

The enthusiasm in Kay’s voice was something new to Marc. When they worked together in the BePo unit, Kay did his job fine, but he was often the last one on roll call and the first one to leave the station. He didn’t hang around to socialise either. Looking back, it’s possible that Kay only went out with Britt because of Marc, not because he wanted to fit in.

Kay wasn’t a fickle pothead like he had claimed at the party, but he definitely didn’t fit in the authoritative police structure. Marc had always wondered why he joined the police force to begin with...

**_“Ever heard of infiltrating the system?”_ **

Maybe all Kay needed was some individual freedom in order to excel. If no-nonsense Hartmann vouched for Kay as a good P.I., he probably was.

“After that, we will look at these claims in detail, I have their police reports when they reported the car stolen. Do you have details of how they finance their car?”

Kay nodded. “It’s all there in the file, I have highlighted the ones that paid in lump-sum. These are 40-60K euro cars, even with trade-in, not that many people can afford it without an instalment plan, so I’d start with those first,” he paused. He studied Marc for a moment, like he’s trying to decide if Marc can be trusted to share his thoughts with. “I have a suspicion the Russian gang are using a group of buyers to do the purchasing and insurance claims for them. And if that is the case, there would be a money trail.”

What Kay said all make sense and matched what he and Nina have been suspecting.

“The guys from Organised Crime told me they identified two staff from the insurance companies who might be working with the Russian gang, so their operation could involve the dealerships, the buyers and the insurance companies.” Nina offered.

Kay nodded. “They told me they are getting warrants for the financial records of those staff. Maybe you can do the same for the claimants. Although if I were the Russian gang, I would pay them in cash or in some other forms.”

“Quid pro quo,” Marc agreed. “Then it’s worth checking their background as well.”

“I investigated and interviewed a few of them already when they made the claims. There is some background information, one of them actually has a criminal record. It’s all there in my file,” Kay pointed with his chin.

Marc got up and grabbed his jacket. “Let’s check with Hartmann about getting warrants for the claimants, we might need more than just red flags in their claims. Could you work with Kay on identifying which ones to go after?” He said to Nina.

Kay was already gone when Marc came back into the meeting room. He found Nina enjoying herself with a kitsch mini fan in powder blue next to her laptop.

“Where did this come from?” Marc frowned. Nina has been complaining about the relentless heatwave in Berlin this summer, her pregnancy made it unbearable. Most buildings in Berlin didn’t have air-conditioning.

“Isn’t this the coolest gadget? And it really works!” She said proudly. “It’s made in Japan, not some Chinese knock-off.”

Marc huffed. “Where did you get it then? Little Tokyo?” Referring to the Japanese restaurant they’ve been to together.

“Blondie let me use it because he saw me suffering and he’s a gentleman. He went back to the federal team by the way,” Nina said; she watched Marc carefully, waiting for a response. So, Marc knew there was more.

But knowing Nina couldn’t keep a secret for longer than five minutes, Marc refused to play ball. And just as he predicted, 10 seconds later, Nina narrowed her eyes and said, “Kay said he bought it in Tokyo when he was there... on his honeymoon.”

Marc stiffened; he looked away, fighting the sudden tightness in his throat.

_So, it’s true. He’s married._

Sitting down in his chair, he finally managed to ask, “he told you that?” Barely keeping his voice steady. So much for coming to terms with it.

“Not the honeymoon part, I tricked that information out of him,” she shrugged.

Marc didn’t even need to ask her how. That’s one of Nina’s strong suits - engaging people and getting information out of them; that’s why she made detective.

Nina softened her voice, sounding more worried than inquisitive. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you and Kay Engel? I’ve given you three days.”

The fact that she used Kay’s name instead of calling him Blondie meant she was serious. And the idea of unburdening the truth to Nina, someone who hadn’t been there, was strangely appealing, but now they were working with Kay, Marc didn’t want to make the situation awkward for Nina too.

“There’s nothing to tell. We worked together for a few months and then he quitted,” Marc replied. Maybe too quickly.

“And left Ludwigsburg without telling anyone,” Nina repeated Marc’s accusation from last Sunday. “Without telling you?” She went for the jugular.

Marc scowled.

Nina didn’t push him afterwards. They worked in silence for a few minutes.

Then Nina suddenly said, “he broke your heart, didn’t he?” Nodding to herself, like she thought she has figured it out.

_Yes, my heart was broken but no, it wasn’t Kay’s fault._ Marc swallowed around the bitter thought.

**_“And what about us?”_ **

Kay’s parting words. Except Marc hadn’t known at the time, that those would be the last words he heard from Kay; that it would be the last time he saw him. Kay had held on for as long as he could, even on that final day. Until Marc crushed even that tiny thread of hope for him.

No, Marc couldn’t allow Nina to think that, it wouldn’t be fair to Kay. He shook his head, smiling without mirth. “No, I broke his.”

******

Marc didn’t believe in fate, but he considered receiving Nicola’s text that evening a sign.

>>Dinner Friday? I read about this place<< she included a link to a restaurant called Cookies Cream in Mitte.

Their 3rd date has been delayed twice. First Marc citing workload; then Nicola claiming a small cold. Although Nina had warned that Nicola might only have said that to counter Marc’s first delay; and the possibility that she was seeing other dates.

Marc would never understand such complex manoeuvrings, and if any of that was true, he felt he should be more upset. But he wasn’t.

Kay was only consulting the task force on a part-time basis, he came in every day, going between the two teams in the task force. Some days, Marc only caught a glimpse of him here and there, in the break room or the smoking area.

They never talked alone again. If they did see each other, it was all business.

_Which is fine. It’s for the best._ Marc told himself.

Marc also told himself the reason he accepted Nicola’s dinner date was because they had a good time together the last two dates; that it definitely wasn’t because he needed to prove something... to himself.

The restaurant looked posh but had a relaxing atmosphere.

They opted for the tasting menu which provided useful conversation topic for Marc.

They chatted about the food scene in Berlin and wondered out loud if all the other patrons were tourists. Nicola was her usual witty and affable self; Marc welcomed the company and distraction. She reminded Marc of Brigitte, which was a promising sign.

By the time dessert was served, Marc began to feel optimistic, hopeful. Maybe this was the beginning of another serious relationship; maybe now that he was certain Kay was out of reach, he could close that chapter - for good this time.

Marc held the door for Nicola as they left the restaurant. She had a soft smile on her face, her cheeks rosy from the bottle of wine they shared. Marc was debating in his mind if he should invite Nicola back to his apartment when he spotted a black Audi TT on the opposite side of the road.

He knew that car. B-MV-917. As a detective, he had a habit of memorising the first two sets of letters on car plate he encountered. Marc knew it was the same Audi he parked next to at Mats Hartmann’s party.

He slowed his steps... Nicola was saying something next to him, but Marc’s eyes were drawn to the two men standing a foot away from the Audi.

The traffic noise was suddenly muted in his ears, Marc stared at the two figures illuminated under the yellow hue streetlights.

Kay was arguing with a tall man in a dark coloured blazer.

“Marc?”

He could hear Nicola’s puzzled voice, but as on autopilot, before his mind registered his own action, Marc began crossing the street.

“Don’t walk away from me!” The tall man hissed; he was grabbing Kay’s wrist.

“Let. Go.” Kay’s voice was low and dangerous.

“No!” The tall man tightened his grip.

“Kay?” Marc asked.

Kay turned to look at him, his eyes widened in surprise.

Marc took in Kay’s tousled hair and the beads of sweat on his forehead, he was wearing a plain black hoodie and running shorts, same kind of outfits he used to wear when Marc and he went jogging before.

“Problem?” Marc asked Kay, but he turned his attention to the other man. Broad shoulders and wiry built, he’s half a head taller than both Kay and Marc. At first glance, he looked familiar, especially the eyes and his chiselled jawline, like a ruggedly handsome version of someone he knew. But Marc couldn’t place him.

His hand was still holding Kay’s wrist in a tight grip. When Kay tried to shake it off, he tightened his hold again.

“Hey!” Marc warned; he took a step closer.

“For fuck’s sake, Daniel!” Kay pushed the man hard with his other hand and finally shook him off.

When Daniel tried to grab Kay again, Marc got in between them.

“Fuck off,” The tall man cursed in a calm and controlled tone. His tawny eyes bore into Marc’s.

Without saying a word, Marc took out his police badge and flashed it in front of the man. “Police,” he announced unceremoniously.

“Landespolizei KriPo?” Daniel squinted at his badge like he thought it was a joke; he tilted his head back and laughed. “So? I am his husband. And I am having a conversation with _my husband_. You got a problem with that, officer?”

Marc’s spine stiffened at the accusatory tone. He threw a questioning glance at Kay, who was standing rooted on the spot, his eyes fixed on Daniel.

So there, he has finally come face to face with Kay’s husband.

“You are not my anything!” Kay growled at _his husband_.

Daniel pointed a finger to Kay’s face and said, “you can keep thinking that. I am not signing anything.” A pained look flashed across his face, before he hardened his expression again.

After that, the two of them simply stared at each other. Marc saw a mix of pain and frustration in Kay’s eyes.

“Go home, Daniel,” Kay said, shaking his head, but his voice has gone soft and resigned.

Daniel opened his mouth, then seemed to change his mind; the muscle in his jaw moved. He gave Marc a once-over, assessing him. There was something menacing in his eyes. Then abruptly, he turned and walked away.

Marc watched his tall figure disappeared into the busy Friday night crowd.

Kay was picking up a few knocked over takeaway cartons on the side of the road when Marc turned back. Nicola was helping him to put them back in a Thai restaurant paper bag.

Scheiße. He had completely forgotten she was here.

“Thank you,” Kay said to Nicola, the small smile on his face didn’t reach his eyes. It was pointless, the food was all ruined.

“No problem,” Nicola replied, sparing a glance at Marc.

Marc followed as Kay walked to his Audi. “Are you ok?” Marc asked.

“I am fine,” Kay answered curtly.

Marc wasn’t convinced; he looked at the red handprint on Kay’s wrist and felt anger simmering in his chest. At the same time, he didn’t know what he could offer and if Kay would even accept his help.

Kay opened his car door, dropping the takeaway bag on the passenger seat. When Marc didn’t move away, he studied him for a moment and said again, “really, I am fine.” Kay looked over his shoulder at Nicola. “Go back to your date. I’ll see you next week.”

Then he drove away in his car.

Without the need to explain, Marc knew the evening was over. He waited with Nicola for her uber ride to arrive on the pavement.

Just before Nicola got into the uber taxi, she rested her arm on the car window and said to Marc, “at least now I know who Kai is.”

Marc decided to walk home from the restaurant, wanting to use the 40-minute walk to clear his head, getting over the shock.

He didn’t need his police instinct to tell him that Daniel was bad news.

As the humid night breeze hit his face, he started to mull over the 2nd discovery of the evening.

Marc knew he would have a talk with Mats Hartmann on Monday because halfway through his walk, he had figured out who Daniel had reminded him of.

Marc was almost certain Kay's husband, Daniel, is Chief Inspector Mats Hartmann’s brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kay's POV for his side of the story will begin in next chapter.  
> I hope you are still enjoying this. Thank you for reading and commenting!


	7. Let It Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay's POV for a few scenes happened in the past few weeks.  
> What Daniel has been up to  
> Kay's weekend activity  
> Kay sees Marc on the train

Part 2 - Kay

_(Few weeks ago - the morning when Marc saw Kay on the train with another man)_

The alarm on his mobile phone went off.

Kay rolled to one side, reached over to the nightstand and turned it off. Not wanting to open his eyes yet.

_Fucking morning meetings._

He had thought one of the perks of working as a private investigator was that he didn’t have to deal with the boring 9-5 office-drone life; until one of their biggest clients, OstWest insurance Group, liked him so much that they asked him to join their morning briefing every Tuesday and Thursday.

The sudden pressure of a hand on the back of his thigh jolted Kay out of his morning grogginess.

_Fuck. Right. He has brought the suit guy home last night._

“Hey... morning.” An unfamiliar voice said. Kay felt a kiss on his shoulder blade. The hand on the back of his thigh has now moved up to caress his ass. The remnants of the guy’s day-old cologne entered Kay’s nostrils as he leaned closer.

“Erm... I have to get up.” Kay sat up abruptly, dislodging suit guy’s legs and arms around him.

His name was Timo. Kay remembered now.

Problem of bringing a one-night-stand to your own home is that you can’t control when to say goodbye. An error of judgement.

_Now I can’t even blame it on alcohol._ Kay thought as he quickly put on a tank top.

Before escaping to the en-suite bathroom on barefoot, he turned and said, “Sorry, but I have to leave in 15 minutes. The guest bathroom is next to the living room.” He closed the door before suit guy could answer.

Timo didn’t seem to mind Kay’s graceless morning-after manner. He was all suited up and chirpy when Kay walked into his living room.

His electric blue suit jacket had looked a lot better under the spotlights at the bar last night, Kay noticed. Now Timo looked like a gameshow host. Good looking but too flashy, too showy. Nice strong chin though, reminded Kay of...

_Never mind. I will probably never see him again. This chin or the other chin from long ago._

“Ready?” Kay asked.

Timo was in no hurry, he stepped into Kay’s personal space, his eyes raked Kay in an appreciative gaze, offering an approval that Kay didn’t ask for. “We should do this again. I like a guy who just goes for what he wants...” he touched the collar of Kay’s suit jacket.

Kay gave a circumspect shrug.

Undeterred, Timo lingered his touch. “Give me your number, I will text you mine now,” he asked.

Kay didn’t want to waste time arguing, so he dutifully read out his mobile number. The ding alert sound came almost instantly. Kay knew it wouldn’t matter because he has been using burner phones, which he changed every week. Timo would find this number disconnected by next week.

Mission accomplished; Timo looked up from his phone. “Are you taking U1?”

Kay nodded slowly.

Timo perked up. “Me too. Which direction? Towards Krumm Lanke?”

Kay nodded reluctantly again. “Yes, let’s go.” Another 20 minutes with suit guy wouldn’t make a difference.

The silver VW Tiguan was still parked across the street from his building. It’s been 5 days. Kay pretended he didn’t notice it as he walked fast towards the U-Bahn station.

From one P.I. to another, let the guy do his job and take Daniel’s money. If Daniel wanted to keep tab on who Kay was sleeping with, Kay wouldn’t stop him.

Not to mention, Kay was sure Daniel knew that he knew; it was just one of Daniel’s twisted ways to show he’s in control, that he was still involved in Kay’s life, whether Kay liked it or not.

Timo was talking his ear off on the train, treating it as a distraction, Kay didn’t mind; he listened patiently. Timo was talking about software engineering of all things. But he didn’t look like a coder, Kay thought. As it turned out, he’s in sales and marketing for some enterprise software.

Timo has been an uncomplicated good time, which Kay perhaps should have more. But the fleeting temptation was short-lived, because Kay knew he couldn’t get involved with anyone; not now, not until the mess with Daniel was over. He knew very well what Daniel could do and he didn’t need to drag anyone into it. Though Kay hoped Timo knew enough computer security to protect himself, even if Kay never saw him again, Daniel could still do a lot of damage just for fun.

A prickling sensation suddenly appeared at the back of his neck. Lately, every time Kay was on this train, he felt like someone was watching him.

He didn’t look around to check; if it was Daniel who’s spying on him, he didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging him.

******

_(few weeks ago - the weekend before Kay saw Marc on the train)_

Kay got up from the waiting room’s plastic chair as he saw Mats come running down the corridor.

“He’s ok, just took a tumble. A few band-aids on his legs, that’s all,” he said urgently, meeting Mats halfway.

Mats visibly relaxed. “Where is he now?”

Kay grinned. “The head nurse gave him a lecture about wheelchair, so they took him to the facilities room to let him choose one. He won’t be allowed to go out without sitting in one now.”

“That’s what we’ve been saying for months,” Mats huffed. He glanced at Kay, worried. “Are you okay? You sounded alarmed on the phone.”

“Shit, I am sorry. When I got here, they only told me he took a fall and the doctor is treating him. I panicked and called you, in case they need a family member - “

A strong arm wrapped around Kay’s shoulders. “You are family.” Mats said patently. Then he added, “but I know what you mean, they can be bureaucratic like that. You made the right call.”

Kay nodded. No matter how bad things were between him and Daniel, he didn’t want to lose Mats. He’s already slowly losing Klaus Hartmann to this terrible disease.

They walked outside to the nursing home’s large garden facing Lake Wannsee. It was sunny and warm today; Kay has brought a straw hat for Klaus so they could go sit by the lake; Klaus always seemed more alert and lucid when he’s outside.

“I am sorry I haven’t joined you to see Papa lately, it’s lucky that you are here every weekend,” Mats said, taking off his suit jacket. He had come straight from the police station.

“It’s okay, I like taking Klaus out for a walk,” Kay didn’t mind. If the nursing home was a bit closer to where he lived, he would visit during the week too.

“What year is he on today? Does he remember you?” Mats asked carefully. On a bad day, Klaus couldn’t even recognise his own sons. He would think Mats was the new administrative staff here. His father’s dementia has caused Mats quite a few heartbreaks.

Strangely, he usually recognised Kay. Just on different timelines - sometimes he thought Kay was Daniel’s new boyfriend; or that Kay just joined his P.I. company; other times, he thought Kay was someone from his police unit in the 80s. But Klaus was always happy to see Kay.

“Today he said Daniel and I should get married, now that it’s legal,” Kay said quietly.

“Four years ago then. I just joined Organised Crime unit that year.” Mats seemed relieved. It’s easier when Klaus’ mind was only a few years off.

Four years ago, things were all looking up for Kay. He had cleaned up his life; Klaus was healthy and mentoring him; Daniel wasn’t a master manipulator...

_Maybe he has always been one; I was just too dumb to realise it, not like I was ever good at choosing men._

Mats shifted uncomfortably on the wooden bench. “About Daniel, have you sent - “

“I have,” Kay said quickly, knowing Mats was referring to the divorce papers his lawyer had sent to Daniel few days ago.

Last week marked the one-year separation requirement, but if Daniel was still contesting the divorce and wouldn’t sign the papers, then Kay would have to wait for another two years to finalise their divorce.

Kay just wanted it to be over.

“Let me know if he...” Mats trailed; he sighed, “if he gives you any trouble.”

Kay nodded. He understood he has put Mats in a difficult spot since he and Daniel’s marriage fell apart. Mats understood why Kay needed to leave Daniel, but he still loved his brother. There was no need to tell Mats what Daniel has been doing...

“So, what’s been keeping you so busy?” Kay decided to change the subject.

“I am heading up a task force,” Mats winced.

“More gang related crime? Or is it top secret?” Kay knew Mats has been in the organised crime unit in Berlin federal police for a few years now.

“Not top secret. Actually, it’s relating to your field of expertise.”

“What? You are cracking down on fraudulent insurance claim for whiplash injury?” Kay joked. That’s the most common insurance fraud he investigated.

Mats laughed heartily. That low timbre chuckle, a sound that has become both familiar and scary to Kay. Mats and Daniel were two years apart, but they bore a strong resemblance of each other. Daniel was more charismatic and better looking; Mats was bigger and wiser. Kinder too, as Kay later found out.

“No, but it is car-related. It’s about keyless car theft, it’s getting out of hand. We think it’s too complicated and too big to be done by petty criminals.” Mats explained.

OstWest Insurance have given Kay a few cases like that the last few months. “I thought the relay attack problem has been solved by a new technology the car manufacturers have developed?”

Mats nodded. “That’s why we suspect the technology has been compromised.”

Kay thought for a minute, remembering one of the claimants he was investigating, one he strongly suspected had ties with gangs. “They don’t even have to outsmart the technology, if the buyer and someone from the insurance company are dirty. They just need everyone else to believe the technology has been compromised, so they can blame it on that when they report the car stolen.”

Mats’ brow furrowed. “The detective sergeant from our task force has the same idea. He thinks some of the buyers are in cahoots.”

Kay shrugged. “It makes sense.”

Mats thought for a moment; then he looked up. “Hey, fancy a consultancy gig at the task force? You work with OstWest and know fraudulent insurance claims inside out. It’s better than going to insurance companies directly,” he asked, with a conspiratorial twinkle in his eyes.

It’s a no-brainer for Kay. “Definitely.” _Anything to take me away from the current office-drone works, really._

“Actually, I think he’s from Stuttgart,” Mats suddenly said.

“Huh? Who?”

“The detective sergeant. That’s where you were from? Didn’t you tell me you worked in a BePo unit in Stuttgart before?”

_Ludwigsburg -_ A place he would never return to - but he didn’t bother to correct Mats.

“Sure,” Kay answered.

******

_(few weeks ago - the morning when Kay saw Marc on the train)_

_Berlin is not a morning city. Or I am not a morning person._ Kay thought as he suppressed a yawn inside the train carriage. He couldn’t wait for Mats’ task force gig to start next week.

Though before that, he had to survive the party first. Mats and Sonya insisted he must come. They didn’t say it, but Kay knew why. It would be his birthday and the Hartmanns would never let him be alone on that day.

Kay didn’t like celebrating his birthdays. Before, he just hadn’t cared one way or the other; after, it became a sore reminder. A bad memory.

Before and after Marc Borgmann. _Scheiße_. _I do not want to think about Marc Borgmann at all, especially this week._

Of course, the minute that name entered Kay’s mind, he found an elderly man sitting in front of him reading a copy of “Stuttgarter Zeitung”.

Kay glanced at the headlines: Protestors clashed with riot police. 10 injured.

He looked away. For the last 10 years, Kay has made a habit of avoid reading news from the Baden-Württemberg region.

It didn’t matter that he thought Marc probably didn’t work in BePo anymore. He hoped Marc wasn’t there anymore, anyone with a bit of ambition would have moved on to other police unit, or to a bigger city. But then, Marc had seemed to like the stability, his bourgeois hetero life and the macho-camaraderie in BePo.

**_“Maybe you should get another transfer.”_ **

Maybe he has fully embraced all of that after Kay had finally left him alone. Like Marc had wanted. Suggested. Requested.

Kay quietly laughed at himself. It would be ironic if the mess with Daniel has made him long for the life in small-minded Ludwigsburg. Suddenly Kay didn’t feel like drowning in mire for his old mistakes, not when he had spanking new ones to deal with.

Thankfully, the loud chatter from a group of rowdy construction workers distracted Kay from digging deeper into his misery. The smell of sawdust and paint thinner wafted through the carriage.

Kay’s eyes idly admired the well-defined muscles on a few of the workers, their slightly sunburnt skin reminded him that he should go running again, all these office meetings were not healthy.

The train’s sudden start made everyone jerked and pulled backward. Kay steadied himself by gripping the metal pole tighter. The hands-off-the-pole construction workers weren’t so lucky, they got thrown to either sides of the carriage, like they were opening up a pathway in the middle.

“Oops. Sorry.”

“No problem.”

The air around Kay suddenly stilled. He hasn’t heard that voice for 10 years.

**_“Kay?” - Marc calling him from his living room._ **

That echo from long ago. Kay looked up and straight onto the next carriage.

_No, it can’t be._

And yet, it can. It was Marc Borgmann. Standing in the middle of the carriage, smiling at a fellow passenger, oblivious to the storm he has just whipped up.

His thick chestnut brown hair was longer and lightly moussed, he had dark circles under his eyes and a wrinkled shirt on, the indigo-coloured jeans looked a day old too, like he was in a hurry; but that small smile on his face was unmistakably Marc - dimpled, transformative and beautiful.

But that smile froze as Marc turned his gaze on Kay. Those deep hooded blue eyes resting on him once again after all these years.

Horrifyingly, Kay felt the heat on his cheeks, he quickly made an effort to harden his expression. He noticed something else too. That Marc wasn’t surprised to see him; in fact, he looked... pleased. Like he’s been waiting to see him.

Kay didn’t understand what’s happening.

In the next second, he braced himself as Marc took a step forward toward him; just before the train pulled into Nollendorfplatz station and stopped.

Sorrow and relief warring in Kay’s runaway heart, he took one last look at Marc and stepped off the train.

Kay didn’t look back; he kept walking. When he finally got out of the station he stopped and leaned back against the wall. His heart beat loud against his ribs, he ordered his hands to stop shaking. Kay sniffed, wiped at his eyes before the tears had time to materialise.

It was stupid. He was being stupid. It was such a long time ago; he shouldn’t react like this. He should have let it go.

He thought he had let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there is no moving the story forward in this chapter, but I hope it paints a clearer picture for Kay ;-)  
> Thank you for leaving kudos, reading and commenting!


	8. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay's POV on a few past incidents  
> \- Kay asks for a favour  
> \- Daniel shows up at Mats' party  
> \- The fallout from that Friday night

_(Six years ago)_

_I was a cop, too._

Kay wanted to tell that to the beat cop who read him his rights. He knew it wasn’t like some American tv shows, here you are allowed to make more than one phone call. But Kay had no one to call. People he shared the communal with probably didn’t want to come near a police station.

He patted the pocket on his leather jacket and remembered that fancy name card. The one-night-stand who wanted Kay to call him - they always do - but Kay has kept this particular card because the card looked fancy and he said if Kay ever got in trouble with the authorities, he could help.

**Daniel Hartmann - Founder & CEO**

Kay wondered what kind of CEO could get him out of a misdemeanour possession charge.

It took five rings before the call was answered, Kay almost hung up. But Daniel Hartmann sounded happy to hear from him. When Kay explained what happened, he didn’t even ask any questions. “I will be there in 15 minutes. Station 5 in Friedrichshain?”

Daniel Hartmann arrived in 10 minutes.

He walked toward Kay in purposeful stride, like he owned the police station. He was wearing an olive-green t-shirt, dark denim jeans and a black leather jacket; his curly brown hair kept very short and neatly trimmed, jawline clean shaven, didn’t look like he had been rudely awakened at 3 am.

If Kay was being honest, he didn’t remember him much. Granted, he was high and slightly drunk when they fucked that time... a month ago? Now even under the harsh fluorescent lights at the police station, he could tell Daniel Hartmann was good looking, the lines on his forehead betrayed his age, but they only added to his appeal. He looked handsome, confident and capable.

“Sorry to bother you at this hour, but you said - “ Kay began to say.

“I am glad you called. You can call me at any hour,” Daniel said, smiling. “About anything.” He added.

Kay looked at him, slightly dumbfounded. _How good a lay was I?_ Anyhow... Kay tried to refocus on the task on hand, he told Daniel, “they had a drug raid in Himmelreich, and I just bought my monthly supply of E tonight -“

Daniel covered Kay’s hand with his. His fingers were long and soft, like a pianist, interlacing with Kay’s. He said, “don’t worry, I just need to make a call.”

Like watching someone doing a magic trick, Kay watched Daniel take out his iPhone unhurriedly.

“Hey Mats, it’s your brother... I need a favour...”

******

_(A week ago - at Mats Hartmann’s party)_

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

Kay watched as colour drained from Marc’s face. He looked mortified.

“You were a good cop.” Marc added, sounding like he meant it.

Suddenly Kay felt sorry for him. Same old Marc, taking everything dead serious. Kay set a pity-party trap and he fell right into it.

But it’s done now.

And Kay hasn’t forgotten Marc’s earlier outburst. _What was that about? He’s blaming me for leaving without telling him? Is that a joke? Is that why he wants to ‘talk’?_

Kay shrugged, making sure his facial expression was as blank as possible.

“Never mind. Now Kay is an excellent P.I.” Mats’ arm on his shoulders tightened, like a solid wall Kay could lean on. Marc obviously had no idea his temporary boss was Kay’s brother-in-law. Well, soon to be ex brother-in-law.

Mats probably sensed something wasn’t quite right, after a few awkward moments, he pulled Kay away to join his own unit.

“I take it that you didn’t have a good experience in BePo?” Mats raised his brows.

“Ludwigsburg BePo is not exactly an ideal place for a gay cop - “

“Scheiße. Borgmann... he’s not a homophobe, is he?” Mats frowned.

“No!” Kay said adamantly. “It wasn’t Marc. He’s a very good cop. It’s... there were a couple of assholes in the team, there were a couple of incidents...” Kay trailed off with a dispirited shrug.

“Fucking hell. I’m sorry, Kay. I didn’t know.” Mats sighed, rubbing his forehead. “When we read your file, we saw a black mark on your police academy record for resigning without giving notification, we just thought you were young and... well, you being you, decided to change career.”

“You had a file on me?” Kay asked incredulously. This was the first time he heard of it.

Mats laughed. “Our father owns a P.I. company and my brother suddenly falling head over heels in love with a guy who had a drug possession charge? Of course, we ran a file on you, just standard background check.” He threw a mock punch on Kay’s cheek. “But you won us over when we got to know you.”

But they hadn’t found out about Marc. Kay quietly absorbed this. Now he knew how Daniel found out about Kay’s estranged relationship with his own parents.

The Hartmanns were a tight-knit family. They were also Kay’s only family now. He knew the divorce hurt all of them. At least Klaus wasn’t aware of it.

“Mats.”

They turned to Sonja, who has come out from the kitchen. Kay could tell from her pinched expression that something had happened.

Daniel was on the phone with his Personal Assistant in Mats’ home office. He ended the call when Mats and Kay came in.

“I need to talk to Kay alone,” Daniel said to Mats, like Kay wasn’t standing right next to him.

“Daniel, it’s my party and there are 20 cops in the garden, don’t make a scene today.”

Daniel laughed; he actually looked like he’s in a good mood. “What are you going to do? Arrest me for gate-crashing your cop party?”

“What are you doing here?” Kay asked.

Those intense tawny eyes looking right at Kay’s; he smiled. “I got your papers; I want to discuss something with you before I sign them.”

Kay didn’t believe him. Nothing was ever straight forward with Daniel. He’s saying that to placate Mats. Unfortunately, Kay couldn’t afford to make a scene here. Not when Marc was here...

“OK, let’s go for a ride. We should let Mats go back to the party,” Kay proposed.

“Are you sure?” Mats touched his arm. He’s not oblivious to his brother’s manipulative antics.

Kay nodded, watching a slow smile appearing on Daniel’s face. He got what he came here for.

They drove to the outskirts of Grunewald, near the woodlands. Kay turned off the engine but stayed in the driver’s seat. Waiting for Daniel to start.

“I am on the verge of accepting an offer for my company,” Daniel suddenly said.

Kay knew Daniel’s new start-up was valued over 100 million euros and was a target for a buyout for a while now. It wasn’t the biggest start-up in Berlin in terms of valuation, but it’s still a whole lot of money.

“Congratulations,” Kay said without inflection.

Daniel didn’t seem to mind. He took out a small box from his blazer’s inside pocket.

“Happy birthday, Schatz.” He held out the box.

Kay stared at the blue velvet box. Whatever it was inside, he had no intention to find out.

He shook his head. “You are not going to sign the papers, are you?”

Kay watched the smile slipped from Daniel’s face; his mouth turned down. It never stopped surprising him how quickly, how abruptly Daniel’s mood could change. Like flipping a switch.

Kay ducked away in time as Daniel threw the box in his face. It bounced off the car window on Kay’s side and dropped under the seat.

Daniel closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, like he’s trying to get his temper under control.

“How long are you going to punish me, huh? Haven’t you slept with enough men the last year?”

Kay knew it was futile to answer, but he said quietly, “I am not punishing you. You know it’s not about that. You know why I can’t be with you.”

Daniel looked away; his clean shaven jaw clenched before he turned back to Kay. “I have already apologised to you. Many times. What more do you want? Why can’t you get past this? Why can’t we get past this?”

He sounded hurt. In pain. Frustrated.

That’s exactly the problem. Daniel always apologised afterwards. Kay’s heart ached. Once upon a time he had foolishly accepted those apologies. He shook his head again. “We can’t,” Kay said, softening his voice. “And deep down you know we can’t.”

The wrong approach, apparently.

The next second, Daniel raised his voice. “I stood by you, I supported you when you were a mess! I cared for you, I bloody saved you! I made one mistake and you cut me off? You ungrateful pothead!” He hit the dashboard on the passenger side forcefully. The glovebox popped open.

Kay has seen and heard all these before. Now he didn’t even flinch. If Daniel thought he would just sit there and take it, Kay was ready to prove him wrong.

Keeping his voice calm and steady, Kay went for the nuclear option. “I am grateful for everything you’ve done for me. But I don’t love you anymore, Daniel.”

That always shut Daniel up.

Kay thought about not returning to the party, he wasn’t sure if he had the energy to act relaxed and nonchalant in front of Marc. But he didn’t want Mats and Sonja to worry.

When he entered the kitchen, he could hear Sonja talking about him.

“Who doesn’t want to be fussed?” He asked with deliberate cheerfulness.

Kay slow his steps as he took in the other two persons. Marc and his heavily-pregnant partner, Nina, were standing in the kitchen.

A sudden déjà vu image hit him - Marc standing behind the pregnant Bettina in the bowling alley.

_Fuck. This day never ends._ Kay recovered quickly. Acknowledged them with a tight nod before kissing Sonja on her cheek.

Then he noticed the black forest cake on the kitchen counter. “Sonja, I told you - “

“I know. But my boys are not here, so I have to spoil you instead.” He got an affectionate pat on his cheek.

Nina was looking at the cake longingly; she mentioned something about baking a birthday cake or something. Kay was only half listening; he was looking at Marc, who hasn’t stopped staring at him since he got in.

“.... have to go, happy birthday.”

Kay heard Nina said. He turned back to her and quickly said, “thank you.”

Marc’s eyes were still trained on him.

**_“I am not gay, Kay. Got it?”_ **

Kay shied away from that birthday memory as he stood up straighter, chest up, shoulders back. It has been 10 years—and he knew Marc hadn’t really meant it. Hadn’t meant to hit him. Kay knew that. He was a grown ass thirty-something man, not a pothead dreamer. Sometimes he thought he had forgotten about it. Around his birthday, it was always easy to pick at those old wounds and draw blood.

Then he heard Marc said, “happy birthday, Kay.”

A birthday wish came 10 years too late.

******

_(Few days ago - the Friday night after Marc saw Kay arguing with Daniel)_

Kay put his car in park and turned off the engine. He leaned over and picked up the paper bag with the takeaway cartons from the passenger seat. The bag was wet, some green curry sauce has leaked onto the leather seat.

_Fuck_. He moped it up with the napkins in the bag, knowing the whole thing would go straight to the bin; he threw the used napkins out of the car window in frustration.

He didn’t care what Mats and his lawyer said, he’s going to give the Audi back to Daniel; even though the car was in Kay’s name and he loved the stupid car.

He didn’t want to be indebted to Daniel Hartmann in any way. Not his money, not his car, not his help.

There was a parcel outside his doorstep when Kay got to his front door. When he looked at it up-close, he realised it was a thermal insulated bag, inside was a few takeaway boxes from the Vietnamese restaurant downstairs. The one he and Daniel used to go. Daniel must have called to place the order right after he stormed off, to make sure it arrived before Kay got home.

This was Daniel’s way to apologise for kicking Kay’s Thai takeaway earlier.

He threw both set of takeaways into the bin.

Walking into the bathroom, Kay checked the red grab mark on his wrist, bending his palm up and down to check if he had accidentally twisted it when he shook Daniel off. He forgot how strong Daniel’s grip could be when he wanted to hurt you.

Satisfied with its movement, Kay took out a tube of arnica cream from his first aid kit and absently rubbing it on his wrist. He’s going to have a bruise for a day or two, that’s all. He could wear a long-sleeved shirt to visit Klaus tomorrow, in case Mats joined him.

It’s embarrassing enough that Marc had witnessed that. And his date had been there too.

_Fucking hell._ Kay felt his cheeks heating up again.

Marc had caught him off guard twice, on the train and at the task force intro meeting, but Kay had thought he has gotten the situation under control. They were going to work together for the next few months, then they would go their separate ways again. Marc was not in Mats’ unit, chances of seeing him again would be low.

Then this humiliating evening happened.

Ever since Marc Borgmann resurfaced in his life, Kay has been bracing himself for the appearance of Bettina, or worse, to see Marc and her together. It was a relief when Marc had come to Mats’ party with his work partner, Nina, instead.

And then earlier this week, the shrewd and fun Nina, in an obvious attempt to trade gossip, had told Kay that Marc was single. Never married. In fact, since he has moved to Berlin 3 years ago, he has been busy dating.

Kay felt a slight tug in his chest, his heart couldn’t help swelling with pride at the thought that Marc had left safe little Ludwigsburg, had taken bold steps in his career and his personal life. Apparently following his dreams.

**_“Ever thought of just leaving it all behind? Taking off and Starting over.”_ **

His own suggestion from a lifetime ago. Putting aside their disastrous affair, Kay was glad they have both done it.

_Well, my version might a bit extreme, but still..._ Kay could crack a joke at his own expense.

Giving up on eating dinner, Kay took out a bottle of alcohol-free beer from his fridge and walked outside to the balcony.

The bitter taste was welcoming, the absence of a buzz felt lacking. Kay didn’t have a problem sticking with non-alcoholic beverages at bars and parties, some people would look at him funny, but he didn’t care. He didn’t miss it. He never drank alcohol to have a good time anyway.

What Kay missed and craved was the oblivion alcohol and certain chemicals used to offer him. To numb and to forget. But those days were behind him. He had made a promise to Klaus, even to Daniel. His marriage might be over, but he wasn’t going to regress.

Kay lit up a cigarette - the only vice he’s keeping – and thought of Marc’s worry-stricken face tonight.

**_“Are you ok?”_ **

_Could Marc still have strong feelings for me?_ Kay allowed himself a small taste of that sweet possibility, like a honeybee lapping up nectar.

His mind toyed with the memory of how much Marc had wanted him back then. Kay himself had revelled in that, had even taken advantage of that. But the whole time, Marc had wanted him without the complication of loving him. Kay had never really understood that part. Until he got himself bruised all over and finally called it quit.

He knew how easy it was to convince yourself that a scrap of affection meant something more, that lust could translate into love. Bad enough that he’s still hung up on a 10-year-old mistake, it’d be tragic to believe that he was loved.

Kay concentrated on the lights and sounds from the nearby streets and buildings instead, on other people’s possible better stories. The cigarette in his hand burned down to a stub, the filter tip scorching his fingers, but Kay barely felt it.

He barely felt anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! Still past events in this chapter.  
> But from next chapter, it will be back to "present day", so Marc can finally have a word with Mats ;-)  
> Thank you so much for reading!


	9. Something Permanent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc asks Mats about his brother  
> Marc shares a Thai meal with Kay

(Marc)

Marc wondered why he has never heard of the name Daniel Hartmann until tonight. When he hit search on Google, he was surprised to find hundreds of results. Proper hits, not random people with the same name. Marc learned that while Daniel wasn’t a household name, but in a small tech business circle in Berlin, he’s a celebrity.

Daniel’s Instagram account was only a marketing tool for his company, obviously managed by a PR firm. Marc scrolled through all the software products/company news content quickly: Daniel speaking at tech conferences; Daniel giving out programming advice; Daniel attending CES in Las Vegas...

Marc was on his 3rd bottle of beer when he stumbled upon the wedding picture. The Instagram post was simple, a small rainbow flag next to a cheesy caption: He Said Yes!

He put down the beer bottle slowly and leaned closer to his laptop to examine the small photo.

A family photo in a garden reception setting. He recognised Daniel and Mats, standing side by side. Daniel had his arm around Kay’s shoulders, his attention fully on Kay; he looked like a guy who couldn’t believe his luck. Kay was wearing a well-cut black suit, a light grey tie and a crisp white shirt, his blond hair shining and sparkling under the sun. He was looking into the camera with a playful smile, like he knew something you didn’t. The kind of teasing smile he used to greet Marc with when they met up in secret, in those early days; when every touch between them, accidental or deliberate, was electrifying to Marc.

Next to Kay was a proud looking older man with salt and pepper hair, he had his hand resting on Kay’s upper arm. Marc could guess that’s Hartmann senior.

Marc reached out and touched the laptop monitor with his hand, leaving a fingerprint smudge on Kay’s face. In the photo, Kay looked happy, like he belonged, part of the family. It was dated 3 years ago.

He took a screenshot of the photo and began to read a few tech-industry articles about Daniel. He was a computer programming wunderkind since his university days, had his first tech start-up when he was 25, sold it for an obscene profit, started another start-up, rinse and repeat. He would be 41 years old later this year. He was also out and proud, involved in a few LGBTQ support groups. In other words, annoyingly smart and successful.

The bitter jealousy tug in his stomach was an unwelcoming sensation. And he had no right. Marc drank the last few drops from his beer bottle and decided to call it a night.

Before he closed his laptop, his mind recalled the red handprint on Kay’s wrist this evening.

Marc wasn’t sure, of course. And the notion was too spine-chilling to contemplate, just the mere possibility of it was enough to send him reeling; made him want to break something.

His eyes returned to Kay on that wedding picture again.

_Kay, what happened?_

******

They had a scheduled meeting at 10am this morning, so when Marc walked into the task force meeting room on Monday, he was surprised to see Mats was already waiting for him.

“Sorry, I thought our meeting is at 10?”

Mats turned to look at him. “Don’t worry. You are right. But something came up, so here I am.” He reassured him with a smile. Marc was struck by how much he looked like Daniel; it shouldn’t have taken Marc so long to realise that. Even their smiles were similar: one friendly, the other one disquieting.

Marc nodded. “Nina has a doctor’s appointment this morning, she’s coming in later. Do you want to wait for her?”

“No need. You can fill her in when she comes in,” Mats said decisively. “We got the warrant for the financial records of the two buyers you identified. Maybe have Nina to start on their bank statements first, I want you to go interview one of them today, a Mr Luca Podolski. See what you can find out, get a feel if he’s been doing this for long, but don’t alert him of our investigation.”

“I won’t.” Marc reassured. He looked at Mats for a moment and said slowly, “Kay suspected the payment might be in form of quid pro quo, it will help if we monitor their movement as well.”

“A stakeout?” Mats thought for a second. “That would be the next step. Let’s see what we find out from the interview and the financials. Take Kay with you today. He already interviewed that guy once; we can use the insurance claim follow-up as an excuse.”

That was unexpected. Marc’s heart lurched at the prospect of working with Kay alone.

“Okay,” Marc said after a pause, calculating if he should broach the subject now. Mats Hartmann seemed to be in a friendly mood.

“Chief Inspector Hartmann,” Marc said.

Mats gave a light chuckle at the formality. “You can call me Mats.”

“Right, Mats,” Marc corrected before he continued. “Do you mind me asking if Kay is your brother in law?”

The reaction was swift. Mats Hartmann’s eyes sharpened. Marc could almost hear the clicking sound of a guard door rolling up. Hartmann’s demeanour turned cool, his voice definitely sub-zero. “I didn’t bring Kay in because he’s family if that’s what you’re implying. He’s very good at what he does. You should really set aside whatever problem you had with him back home.”

Marc’s face blanched. _Fuck. Why does every time I open my mouth to talk about Kay, it turns into a disaster?_

“No! I am not implying that at all. I... fuck! I don’t have a problem with Kay - I like Kay.”

_You don’t want to know how much._

Mats Hartmann continued to watch him, assessing him, like he wasn’t going to just take his word for it.

“Yes, he’s married to my brother,” he finally said. Frowning, he asked, “why do you want to know?”

Marc wanted to tell Mats what he saw last Friday; he wanted to ask Mats how he could let his brother treat Kay like that; how... the fuck someone like his brother is married to Kay.

“Nothing. Someone from the old BePo unit mentioned his husband’s name’s Hartmann, so I made the connection.” Marc lied.

Mats’ tense shoulders relaxed a little with that answer. “They - “Mats paused, shaking his head a little. “It’s Kay’s personal business, and he will never let it affect his work, but cut him some slack, ok? He’s going through a divorce.”

******

Luca Podolski was guilty.

It was in his shifty eyes. Marc’s cop instinct told him. But unfortunately, he would need more than that.

Luca glanced at Marc with a stony face. You’d think one would want to talk to the police when your car was stolen.

And he’s testing Marc’s patience. When Marc asked him to tell him how his car was stolen, he immediately lost his temper.

“I’ve said it many times! I had my car key with me the whole time. I was 10 miles away. It’s that new technology. What do they call it? It’s broken or the thieves got it figured out. The police should spend their time catching thieves, not harassing victims with questions and paperwork.” Luca told them. The blame was too well rehearsed, but his acting got top marks.

“I know, bureaucracy, right? We are just waiting for the police to rule out a few things. Completely standard. I agree with you, this country loves paperwork too much,” Kay said in a friendly voice. He didn’t inform Marc in advance, but he could tell Kay was doing the ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine.

Luca seemed slightly placated by Kay’s voice of reason, he huffed but calmed down.

“It’s a shame though, that’s a sweet car you got. BMW M5. 450 horsepower, 0 to 60 in 5.4 seconds. Even the spare wheel they give you costs a fortune,” Kay said to Luca.

“Exactly. I paid a lot of money for my dream car, it’s not right to keep that payment from me.” Luca said.

Kay held Marc’s eyes for a second longer. This part they have talked about beforehand. Marc took over the questioning. “Mr Podolski, one final question. Does the business name ‘Steiner Motor Repair’ sound familiar to you?”

Luca thought for a few seconds, then shook his head. “No, never heard of it. I have a garage I use for years; I don’t shop around.”

Marc closed his notebook and stood up. He said to Kay, “alright. That’s all for me. You?”

Kay took out a stack of paper from his bag. “Just a little housekeeping work left. If you don’t mind signing these forms on section 3, 5 and 7.” Kay pointing at the colourful forms he has laid out on the table. They were props, to pretend the insurance company was still processing Podolski’s claim.

“When will I get my insurance money?” Luca asked Kay, reaching for the ball-pen Kay passed to him.

“I will let you know as soon as I hear anything. Shouldn’t be long.” Kay reassured, maintaining his good cop role. Then he got up as well.

When they got back to the car Marc has signed out from the station, it was already 6:30pm. They had a late start. Podolski had been playing cat and mouse with them this afternoon, he hadn’t been at his office, but he hadn’t been home either. It was only after Kay made up an excuse to call him about payment bank details, then he finally agreed to meet them at home.

Kay was talking on his mobile when he got into the passenger seat. From the one-sided conversation Marc heard, Kay was giving out instructions and advice to the other person - about photo-taking techniques. He laughed and traded a few light banter before he ended the call.

Kay’s laugh. Light, delightful, and uncomplicated. Marc realised he hadn’t heard it for 10 years. In fact, he hadn’t heard Kay laugh like that since the early days of their affair. In the final days, there had always been so much strain and tension between them, even when they made love...

“Let’s go?” Kay said. He turned to look at Marc. He sounded... upbeat, almost happy.

An image of Kay saying the same thing to him in the woods flashed across Marc’s mind.

_It’s now or never._

“Do you want to grab dinner together?” Marc blurted out.

Kay stopped pulling the seatbelt. His eyes widened like two saucers.

“I mean, you have to eat, right? And we can go over the interview together. Brainstorm the next step.” Marc told himself he would have suggested the same if he was with Nina, so it’s not a big deal.

His stomach thought it was a big deal; it did somersaults and back flips while he waited for Kay’s reply, bracing for another ‘what’s there to talk about’ rejection.

“Ok.”

_What?_

Marc stared at Kay. “Ok?” He checked again dumbly.

Kay looked away, but Marc still caught a glimpse of the faint smile at the corner of his mouth. When he returned, the smile was gone but he nodded. “Sure, let’s grab a bite.” he said, made it clear, just in case Marc was still in his stupor.

Kay didn’t offer any suggestion, so Marc drove to a Thai restaurant he knew. At least now he knew Kay liked Thai.

He glanced over at Kay’s profile. He was quiet, simply looking ahead on the road, like he had a lot on his mind.

Either of them had mentioned last Friday evening. From what he had learned from Mats Hartmann this morning, Marc deduced that Kay’s husband was contesting the divorce. That’s what he meant when he yelled ‘I am not signing anything’ at Kay.

_What a charming asshole, bloody Daniel Hartmann._

But the time to ask Kay about Daniel Hartmann was not today. Marc chose a neutral topic. “What do you think about Luca Podolski?” He asked when he stopped before a red light.

“That he knows jackshit about cars. I bet he didn’t even drive that BMW he bought,” Kay answered easily.

“How so?”

“The horsepower of that BMW is 600, it goes from 0 to 60 in under 3 seconds and BMW has stopped putting spare wheel in their cars for years now. I said all the wrong information and he didn’t even bat an eye. No car owner is that clueless about their car, especially a car like that.” Kay grinned, looking pleased with himself for laying a perfect trap.

“That’s very clever,” Marc said. Glancing at Kay with a smile. Their gazes held for a second. Then Kay lowered his eyes. Quiet again.

They found a table near the back. It was a quiet weekday evening for the restaurant. Kay was reading the menu. His ring-less fingers holding the single sheet of paper, the two crease lines between his eyebrows have deepened over the years.

Marc belatedly realised he had never had a sit-down meal with Kay outside of Kay’s apartment. One time at the training academy, Kay had tried to sit down opposite him at the canteen, Marc had bolted like Kay was a leper. Even worse was later when they were together, fuelled by paranoia, Marc would never sit with Kay at the police canteen. In the early days, Britt would sit with Kay; but after he had come out, he had been alone...

The waiter reminded Kay the dish was very spicy when he ordered something called Pad Prik King.

“I know. I’ve eaten it before,” Kay answered.

“Is it good?” Marc chimed in.

“Very. If you can take the heat,” Kay said. The challenging tone in his voice reminded Marc of the old Kay.

“I’ll have the same. And let’s share a plate of fish cakes?”

Kay shrugged. “Sure.”

Marc had to take the car back to the station, so he ordered a Thai iced-tea. “And you?” Marc turned to Kay.

Speaking to the waiter directly, Kay said, “I’ll have a coconut water.”

Marc had noticed it before; Kay had been drinking sparkling water at the party. “I am driving, you can have a beer if you want,” he offered.

“I don’t drink anymore,” said Kay, but he didn’t offer any explanation.

Plenty of people in Berlin were into the whole healthy living craze, it’s not uncommon to give up alcohol. Though Marc suspected Kay had a different reason.

Kay obviously had no intention to talk about that with Marc; he asked, “so, did you and Nina find anything in Podolski’s financials?”

“Not yet. Nina is going through his personal bank statements and we are still waiting for the warrant for his business financials.”

Kay pursed his lips. “Police paperwork.”

Marc grinned. “Yeah. But I know he’s lying about not knowing the garage.”

“That’s the same garage with the chop shop you busted?”

Marc nodded. “Podolski’s eyes were looking up to his right when he said he doesn’t recognise the name.”

“Right. He’s right-handed. That’s a classic body language when someone is lying.”

“I can see that P.I.s and detectives read the same ‘how to detect liars’ book,” Marc quipped.

Kay smiled. “I don’t know which book, but my boss taught me a lot of spot-the-lie techniques.”

They chatted for a while about lie detection and interview techniques. Marc mentally filed away the information that Kay seemed to admire his former boss, a mentor to him, a great deal. He was asking Kay what kind of cases he usually investigated, when Kay mentioned he preferred cases they got from law firms. “More interesting than catching cheating spouse,” he shut up as soon as he blurted that out.

Marc saw colour rose on Kay’s face; he was sure his was the same. Nothing they could do about that now.

The food arrived and it kept them busy for a while. Pad Prik King was a lot spicier than Marc would usually prefer. He could feel beads of sweat collecting on his forehead; he wiped them away with his shirt sleeves.

Kay was smiling at him. Marc knew in the old days, he would have made fun of Marc, would have called him a pussy.

“Seems like you are enjoying being a P.I.” Marc commented.

“It’s good to know I am useful at something,” Kay said flippantly.

That bothered Marc. A lot.

“You were a good cop. You were top of the class in training even when you were skipping classes left and right, remember?”

Kay gave another shrug. His smile was gone.

Today Kay was wearing a grey soft cotton shirt, he has kept the sleeved down the whole time until now. He rolled them up after consuming the spicy dried curry dish. Marc couldn’t stop staring at his wrist. There was a discoloured bruise there and Marc knew it was 3 days old, from last Friday.

That simmering anger was back. There were so many things Marc wanted to ask him. About Daniel, about the past 10 years of Kay’s life. Marc wanted to know everything. How did Kay fall in love with someone like Daniel? What was the cause of that sadness lurking behind his eyes now?

Yet, he asked none of that, knowing he had no right to demand answers.

But there was something Marc needed to know. The one he thought he has earned his right to know from years of pain and sleepless nights.

“Why did you disappear without a word?”

His voice sounded disproportionately loud in the quiet restaurant. And the question came out with more frustration than he intended. There was no need to explain what he meant. Marc knew Kay knew what he meant.

Kay stared at him. His gaze turned cool and fixed at Marc’s temple, like he’s trying to look into his soul.

Suddenly Marc felt he needed to hear it; he needed to hear it from Kay’s mouth, no matter how painful the answer might be. He swallowed. “I went back to your apartment and it’s empty. Why - why did you leave like that?”

He could see Kay’s mouth twisted into a cruel smile before he struck.

“Because you told me to ask for another transfer. So, I decided to give you something better. Something permanent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene will be continued in the next chapter, but in Kay's POV.  
> I apologise for the slow burn - even I want them to just kiss already ;-)


	10. The Stakeout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their Thai meal continues - not the eating part  
> Daniel ambushes Kay  
> Marc and Kay have their first Stakeout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few German words:  
> (der) Schatz - endearment, similar to honey, treasure  
> (der) Schlingel - rascal, to describe a naughty child etc
> 
> Thank you for reading! ;-)

(Kay)

Marc’s face crumpled.

For one fleeting moment, Kay wondered if they would kiss and make up, like that other time when Marc had crumpled in front of him, after accusing Kay of blackmailing and ruining his life. He had taken Marc back unconditionally.

But not this time.

When he first fled to Berlin, during the lucid gaps between alcohol, drugs and sex with strangers, Kay had imagined saying those words to Marc, just to see him bleed. So, Marc would finally know, how much that hurt.

But the truth was Kay left because he had gotten tired of this unrequited gig. There was only so much you could pour your heart out and not expecting anything in return. No matter how much Marc had wanted him - physically - it hadn’t been love. _It couldn’t have been. Because if you love someone, you wouldn’t treat that person the way Marc had treated me._

_And why am I behaving like there was still something going on between us? Like we owe each other an explanation?_ Kay suddenly got mad at himself.

He found no joy in seeing the pain and distraught on Marc’s face. And the guilt. That’s the worst part. Marc felt guilty. _Fuck. Now he feels sorry for me._

To Kay, that would be the final insult.

“Kay - “

He watched Marc struggled under Kay’s sharp words and relentless gaze. It must have costed him everything to ask that question, knowing the answer would be like a slap across his face.

“I am sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I don’t really mean it,” Kay said.

The lessons from his rehab sessions kicked in: own your mistakes, forgive and ask for forgiveness. If someone mistreated you, it’s because you let them.

“It wasn’t you. It was me,” Kay said. Then he smiled bitterly to himself at the clichéd excuse. “I was messed up and it was better for all of us, for your girlfriend, your son... the unit - ” he did an offhand wave with his hand to include everyone. “- that I leave.”

Marc shook his head. “No, don’t say that. I...” he trailed. “I want to tell you how sorry I was... I am.”

Kay watched Marc’s red cheeks and bright eyes; he knew Marc wasn’t the kind to say sorry easily. But if he has learned anything from Daniel it was that apology was cheap and often meaningless.

“I was only thinking of myself... I was selfish...” Marc was still carrying on.

But Kay talked over him, “you were not selfish. You were afraid.”

Marc stopped and just stared at him.

Kay nodded. “I understand that now. You don’t owe me anything.”

_Because I was asking for something you couldn’t give, not to me._ He didn’t know what Marc was expecting from him with this talk. If he was looking for forgiveness, he didn’t need it. If he was looking to pick up where they have left off...

_No, I am not going back to that place._

A few more seconds ticked by. When Marc didn’t say anything, Kay picked up the napkin to wipe his mouth. “Anyway, it worked out well for both of us, don’t you think?” Kay glanced at Marc. “I enjoy working with you. Let’s talk to Mats and we will catch that sneaky Podolski.” Kay said with all the cheerfulness he could muster.

But the subject change peace-offering was not appreciated. Marc was still shaking his head. There was bleakness in his eyes. He told Kay, “you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

******

_I don’t?_

Kay was thinking of what Marc had said before they left the restaurant in awkward silence on Monday night.

_Whatever Marc meant by that. It doesn’t matter. Let sleeping dogs lie._ Kay told himself. If Marc wanted someone to soothe his guilt, he could go to his ex-girlfriend. The one he had actually cheated on.

He managed to maintain a friendly but professional distance from Marc for the rest of the week. With Nina in the room, Marc hasn’t brought up their past again. It’s like they’ve made a silent pact to focus on the task force.

“How are you getting on with the Vogel case? Do you need me to help you?” Klaus asked him.

Kay turned back to Klaus; he crouched down next to the wheelchair Klaus was reluctantly sitting on.

“It’s going great. You taught me everything I need already,” Kay played along. The Vogel case was the first big case Kay had handled on his own, six months after he joined Klaus’ P.I. company.

That was 5 years ago.

Klaus said sternly. “Don’t be cheeky. You rely too much on your natural instincts.”

“Which you said I was the best you’ve seen,” Kay smirked.

Klaus huffed, “I can see Daniel has finally found his match.” But his eyes were kind and indulgent. Kay smiled but didn’t answer. Klaus, of course, didn’t know Kay has separated from Daniel. Even if they told him, he wouldn’t remember it 90% of the time anyway, so why broke the old man’s heart? There were already plenty of hurt to share around.

Kay stood back up and pushed his wheelchair forward. The sun has disappeared behind thick clouds and the wind has picked up.

“Do you want your blanket? It’s getting a little chilly,” Kay asked.

“I don’t need it. I want to sit on a proper chair, not being pushed around like an invalid.”

“It’s the doctor’s order. You told me not to argue when it’s for my own good, remember?” Kay said.

Klaus patted Kay’s hand in a fatherly manner. “That’s different. You don’t know what’s good for you. It’s about time someone gives you some solid advice, you don’t love yourself enough. My stubborn child.”

A small lump suddenly lodged in Kay’s throat, he squeezed Klaus’ hand. Whatever pain he had to endure because of Daniel, it was worth it because through Daniel, he got to know Klaus.

“Come on then, we can sit over there.” Kay pointed to the long bench by the lake. He put his arm out for Klaus to hold on to him as they walked.

“Papa!”

Kay’s spine stiffened. He recognised the voice without the need to turn around.

“Daniel, du Schlingel,” Klaus broke into a bright smile, he gave Daniel a kiss on his cheek as they hugged.

Klaus had some big rows with Daniel in the weeks before he was diagnosed, their relationship had been in deterioration, but dementia has erased those memories from his brain most of the days, giving the father and son a clean slate. To Klaus, Daniel was his computer genius son once again.

And Daniel was taking every advantage of that.

“Schatz,” Daniel greeted Kay with the endearment cheerfully. He knew he got Kay in a situation where he could do whatever he wanted.

Kay watched him warily.

That’s why he kept changing his visiting hours on weekends, so Daniel couldn’t ambush him like this. Kay thought of the VW Tiguan outside his building and knew the P.I. must have followed him today on the way here and informed Daniel.

“Papa, you are stealing Kay from me again.” Daniel said playfully.

Klaus chuckled. “Your boyfriend is my star employee now. Unlike you, sitting behind a computer to print money, Kay has to work hard.”

“I know. My gorgeous Magnum P.I.” Before Kay could stop him, Daniel planted a sloppy kiss on his mouth, his arm wrapped around his waist. Kay tried to move away discreetly, but Daniel flashed him a smirk and tightened his hold.

The sight of Daniel’s lovesick display only made Klaus even happier; he was positively beaming.

Daniel leaned in for another kiss. Kay closed his eyes and let it happen; he waited for Daniel to relax his hold a fraction, then he shoved Daniel on his chest, playfully but with enough force to push him off.

“Let’s not make a spectacle for all the nurses.” Kay said, for Klaus’ benefit.

“Don’t stop on my account. You two did a lot more than that at Pride last month.” Klaus winked. He was talking about the Berlin Pride parade he went with Kay and Daniel 4 years ago.

“That was fun, right?” Daniel sat down on the bench, squeezed himself between Kay and Klaus. “I have the coolest Papa and the best-looking boyfriend.”

“Then I don’t know what you two are still waiting for. I want to plan my first gay wedding,” Klaus said.

Kay’s heart sank. He remembered these words well; Klaus had been all over them ever since gay marriage had become legal in Berlin few years ago.

“I know. Believe me, I am working on it.” Daniel whispered in his father’s ear in a conspiratorial voice.

Klaus laughed heartily. Kay took in the small comfort that Klaus looked happy; he always did, when Daniel turned on his charm.

“In fact, let me borrow Kay for a minute, I need to tell him something. It’s a secret,” he said to Klaus, again with that conspiratorial tone, like it was a fun game.

“Alright. Go on. Take your boyfriend back.” Klaus smiled indulgently.

Kay got up, knowing he could do nothing but follow.

“What do you want?” he asked Daniel, while keeping his eyes on Klaus 10 feet away.

Daniel didn’t waste any time. “What’s that cop to you?” he asked, back to his true colour. “You’re fucking cops now?”

“What cop?” Kay asked warily. He knew perfectly well Daniel was referring to Marc.

Daniel’s eyes narrowed. “The too-eager-to-play-hero cop from that Friday night.”

Kay wanted to tell Daniel it’s none of his business and that he can fuck whoever he wants, but the satisfaction would carry a price. Because Kay knew he needed to be careful. He couldn’t let Daniel know about the history between Marc and him.

He needed to shift the attention away from Marc. And quick. “Are you crazy? He’s from Mats’ task force. Don’t drag Mats into your jealous fit,” Kay said.

“You leave Mats with me.”

“And you leave me alone. We are separated. Whether you accept it or not,” Kay reminded him coolly.

“Oh yeah?” Daniel huffed a laugh. The next second, he grabbed the nape of Kay’s neck and turned both of them around to face Klaus. His fingers digging into Kay’s hair at the back, pulling it.

Daniel smiled and shouted, “Papa! I have to go. You be good and don’t give Kay any troubles, ok? I’ll see you next week.”

Klaus snorted and waved his hand in goodbye.

Daniel returned his attention to Kay; he pulled him close and whispered in his ear, “well, looks like we are still married and you’re still mine.” He kissed Kay on his cheek. “Bye, Schatz.”

Kay shoved Daniel away, didn’t care if Klaus was looking. He could make up some lies later.

But Daniel just laughed. Then he was gone.

Kay walked back to Klaus; he shoved both of his fists in his jeans’ pockets, so Klaus wouldn’t see them all balled up and ready to hit something.

“Where is Daniel? Is he still in his room playing with his computer? His mother won’t like it when he’s late for dinner.”

“Klaus... “ Kay frowned.

Klaus’ wife has passed away for more than 15 years. Since the beginning of this month, Klaus has been jumping between different periods more and more often.

“Can you get him for me?” Klaus asked, holding on to Kay’s arm. He tilted his head a little, suddenly looking at Kay like he has just seen him and trying to figure out who he was.

“Fritz? You are joining us for dinner tonight? Get Daniel, will you? I don’t know why I am in this damn chair...”

******

Since that Thai dinner two weeks ago, Marc has been laconic, at times, terse around Kay. Even when they talked about the case, it was mostly a monosyllabic exchange.

Thankfully, Nina was there to fill the gaps in the air with her sugary snacks and funny commentary on the financial records they’ve been combing through. Either way, Kay wasn’t too bothered by it. If he could deal with Daniel’s manipulative ways, he could handle Marc’s poker face.

It was still work, which has been his refuge for the last year.

Mats was satisfied with their interviews and their findings, they have identified Polodski as the go-between, so Kay wasn’t surprised he ordered to monitor Podolski’s movement to gather evidence of his ties with the Russian gang; what surprised him was he has asked Kay to join Marc for the stakeout.

“Obviously, we are sparing Nina for this type of police work. You have more surveillance experience; Marc could use your help.”

Kay glanced over at Marc who simply nodded to Mats; he didn’t meet Kay’s eyes.

So, in a humid Wednesday evening, Kay found himself sitting in an unmarked police car with Marc outside Luca Podolski’s home.

Kay was setting the small but long-range camera on the dashboard, one of the useful gadgets he borrowed from the P.I. company, when Marc spoke for the first time since they arrived.

“Nina wants to say thank you to you for taking her place for this task,” he said in a curt tone.

Kay halted what he was doing, he turned to look at Marc, considering what to say.

“Marc?”

Marc looked up.

“Can we just forget about what I said the other night? I don’t want the ancient history to affect the job. I... I meant it when I said I like working with you. And Nina too,” Kay said in a low voice.

Marc looked surprised.

_Why? Is he expecting more hostility from me? Haven’t I made it clear he doesn’t owe me an apology?_

Marc didn’t answer right away but continued to watch Kay in that intense gaze of his. Kay saw his eyes veered to his wrist briefly before returning to his face. He wondered what that was about.

“Of course,” Marc said finally, like he just shook himself out of a daze. “Sorry if I’ve been brash, I have a lot on my mind lately.”

If Marc were any other colleagues, Kay would ask a polite follow-up question: how’s your family/your girlfriend/your date. But Kay couldn’t make himself do it; he wished Marc a happy and healthy life, but no, Kay didn’t want to know the details.

So, he settled for a nod and a smile. Then went back to setting up the remote control for the camera.

After another minute of mutual silence, Marc cleared his throat, clearly making an effort to try to act like it’s completely normal to sit here with a guy he had briefly slept with 10 years ago.

_Poor Marc._ Kay thought. _It’s not his fault that I am still not over him._

“Nice camera you got there,” Marc said, with genuine amusement in his voice.

Kay chuckled lightly. “This? This is the crown jewel of discreet surveillance. Night vision, it automatically records everything and sends directly to the cloud server. It can record and playback at the same time. We won’t miss a thing,” Kay winked. “In case we fall asleep.”

Marc laughed. He took out his police issued camera. “But this is what we use if we want clearer photos?”

Kay nodded. “If we are lucky enough to catch them meeting in his house.”

Around dinner time, there were quite a few people going in and out of Luca Podolski’s house. Marc and Kay divided their tasks, Kay took photos with the handheld camera, Marc recorded the time and descriptions of the persons.

So far, no mob-like personnel. Or any known gang members. They all looked like Podolski’s extended family.

Around 10 pm, Kay went out to get coffee and two pretzels from a nearby cafe. When he returned, Marc told him Podolski went into his garage with another man, someone who had arrived in a BMW 3 series and had parked a street down the road. The kind of behaviour that warranted a closer look.

“How long have they been in there?”

“About 10 minutes,” Marc said. His eyes trained on the garage door.

Kay looked around first then said, “let me go around to the back of the house, maybe there’s a window or a view to look into the garage.”

Marc thought for a moment. He shook his head. “No, let me do it - “

Kay shook his head, “if you get caught, he will know the police is monitoring him. Keep the car dark, OK? I will be back in a few minutes.”

Kay took a pocket size handheld camera with him and got out of the car quietly. He pulled up his back hoodie and ran quickly to the alley between two houses.

The fence’s height was his chest level, he could see the lights inside the garage from the window on top of the wall. There was no visual of the two men, but he could hear conversation sounds. Their surveillance warrant didn’t cover sound recording, so it couldn’t be evidence, but Kay leaned closer and listened anyway.

Two voices. One with a heavy accent. Ukrainian or Russian? There were a few car models being mentioned and Kay recognised Podolski’s voice. And an address. Kay repeated it to himself. He recognised it’s a street in the Charlottengrad area.

He was about to take out an extension pole for his camera when suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. Before he could turn around, he felt something solid hit the back of his head.

And everything in front of him went dark.

******

“Kay? Kay?... scheiße... hey, Kay”

Someone was patting his face gently but insistently.

_Fuck._ Kay squeezed his eyes tightly, then gingerly pried them open.

Marc’s worry-etched face slowly came into focus. “Are you ok?” Marc’s face was inches close to his.

_Are those sweats or tears on Marc’s face....?_

Kay tried to sit up while Marc ran two anxious hands over his body. “Are you hurt anywhere else? Fuck!” He was talking too fast, words tumbling out. Marc’s hand returned to touch the back of his head. “It’s dry. No blood. But you got a big bump on your head.” Marc was still talking.

Kay forced his eyes to concentrate on his surroundings. He’s lying on the backseat on the police car. “What the hell happened? How did I get here?” He mumbled.

“You were gone for too long, then I saw a woman came running out from the alley. So, I went to look for you and found you lying on the ground, holding your head. Then you got up by yourself, we were walking back to the car, when you passed out again.”

“Fuck,” Kay felt he had no energy to say anything except cursing.

Marc held up two fingers in a V sign and waved in front of him. “How many fingers?”

Kay rolled his eyes. _Fuck. Bad idea._ He replied Marc with his middle finger.

Marc huffed out a laugh. A nervous but relief laugh. He wiped his face with his shirt sleeves. Kay still wasn’t sure if those were tears or sweats. “Pussy,” Marc said. More like a whisper. His eyes gentle and concerned.

_Or maybe I am imagining it in my concussed head._

Kay tried to sit up again. Marc’s arm went around to rest on his back, pushing him up. “Careful,” Marc said. Still whispering in that gentle voice of his. Kay allowed himself to lean into Marc’s arms for a second.

_Just for a second._

“Who whacked my head? Podolski?” Kay asked. Though he knew it couldn’t be. He was listening to him talking when it happened.

Marc snorted. “A woman living next door to Podolski. She thought you were peeping into her bedroom. She said some creep kept stealing her underwear.”

“What?” _What the fuck?_

Marc made a sound of amusement. “I told her to go back and stay inside. That it’s a police matter.”

“What did she hit me with?” Kay touched the back of his head and felt the golf ball size bump. He didn’t see the weapon before he went down.

Marc looked like he tried to suppress a laugh. “A hardcover Encyclopaedia.”

“You’re kidding!”

Marc shook his head.

Kay sighed, feeling incredibly stupid. “Well, this is a first for me. I don’t even know people still keep Encyclopaedia at home.”

“Apparently this one does,” Marc replied. He had a faint smile on his face; he smelled like clean sweat and pine scent aftershave; and he was looking at Kay like he wanted to...

_Fuck!_ Kay realised Marc still had his arms around him; he reluctantly moved away from the comfort of Marc’s chest. “Sorry.”

The tip of Marc’s nose turned pink. They both sat up straighter.

“What happened to Podolski and the man in the garage?” Kay wanted to smack his own forehead. He had completely forgotten about that.

“Don’t worry. The man left before I went to look for you. We got him on the camera you set up. I don’t think they knew.”

Kay gave out a huge sigh of relief. At least he didn’t ruin the whole thing by getting hit in the head like an amateur. 

“Hey, I heard some of their conversation. Drop this down before I forget.” Kay read out the car models and the address in Chalottengrad, while Marc dropped them down on his notepad.

Marc looked up at him. “These could be very useful information.”

Kay pursed his lips. “Worth getting concussed for, I suppose.”

“Let’s go to the hospital and have it checked out.”

“I am fine. It’s just a bump - “ Kay protested.

“No. You don’t know that. You are my responsibility.”

“I am fine. I had concussion before. This is not it.”

“We are going to the hospital,” Marc said with a flat finality that Kay had once heard him used before.

**_“I think it’s better if you go now.”_ **

But this time, it tugged at Kay’s heart instead of breaking it.

Kay nodded slowly.


	11. The Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc goes to Kay's apartment (there's only one bed! 😝)  
> At an Irish Pub, Marc finds his beer courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some German words:  
> altbau - German period building

(Marc)

The E.R. department at the hospital in Berlin was quite busy on a Wednesday night. That never happened in Ludwigsburg. Considering nightlife in Berlin actually starts from 1 am, Marc knew it would only get busier later.

He had shown his badge and jumped the queue, so they only needed to wait for 10 minutes.

Marc stood a foot away from the bed while Kay was being examined by the doctor. There was a little dirt on the side of Kay’s face, and of course, the bump behind his head, but otherwise, he seemed sound and healthy; he was answering the doctor in his usual warm and economical way.

It felt like an over-reaction now, but Marc has never been so grateful to see that pair of pale blue eyes looking at him again. When Kay suddenly passed out, Marc had thought he had sustained other injury, or some internal bleeding that Marc hadn’t been aware of... he had been so panic, he hadn’t even realised he had been crying. Thank god Kay had been too fuzzy to remember.

It wasn’t until the doctor has confirmed that Kay was fine that he finally relaxed.

“I can discharge you now if you have someone at home to check on you every two hours, to make sure you didn’t suffer a concussion,” said the doctor.

“It’s not a con- “

“I can keep an eye on him,” Marc volunteered.

“Marc...” Kay’s brow furrowed.

Marc simply turned to the doctor. “Every two hours? What else do I need to take note of?”

The doctor looked from Kay to Marc. “Wake him up every two hours. Make sure he is lucid, I will prescribe some painkillers, minor pain is fine, but he shouldn’t feel dizzy. If the headache gets too bad or he’s slurring his words, call an ambulance.”

Marc nodded; he turned to Kay. “You don’t want to stay in the hospital, do you?”

Kay’s apartment was not far from Marc’s, now he knew the U-Bahn station Kay used was just one stop before his. They’ve been living so close, so near to each other. Marc quietly absorbed this.

“Could you let me off here?” Kay said. They were at a corner, about to turn into the street of the address Kay gave him.

“Here?” Marc asked curiously, but he stopped the car.

“Yeah... listen,” Kay said, he lowered his lashes before looking up again. “The entry code is 0660, I live on the top floor. Wait here for 10 minutes before you go in, okay? Do you remember the code?”

“0660,” Marc repeated it. He looked at Kay quietly. “What’s going on, Kay?”

“Please just do it,” Kay sounded pained. Then he opened the car door and left.

Marc watched him walk away slowly and turn the corner. Marc had hundreds of questions in his mind, and like the past two weeks, he felt a sense of helplessness. And he hated this feeling. Hated that he felt in his guts that something was very wrong; hated that he couldn’t demand answers from Kay.

Marc waited for 10 minutes before he got out of the car.

Kay answered the door barefoot, wearing an old t-shirt and a pair of jogging trousers. He lived in a typical Berlin altbau apartment. High ceiling, white walls and battered herringbone parquet wood floor. It was a lot more grown-up than that apartment in Ludwigsburg; it was clean and sparsely furnished.

“Thank you for doing this,” Kay said. Like Marc hadn’t strong-armed him to agree to it.

Marc just nodded. An image of them kissing, grabbing onto each other and tumbling into Kay’s old apartment briefly appeared in Marc’s mind.

“I have a sofa in the living room, there are pillows and a quilt. It’s not the most comfortable, but -“ Kay said.

“That will do. Thanks.”

Kay looked at him quietly for a second, like he’s trying to figure out why Marc was doing this. Then he seemed to have gotten tired of the guessing game and said, “the guest bathroom is there, by the kitchen.”

“OK.” Marc dropped down his backpack on the floor. “I will set the alarm and wake you up every two hours.”

“I know. Like a sadist,” Kay quipped. Finally, a hint of his playful side.

“Well, you know me.”

Kay had no answer to that. He dropped a simple “good night” and went into his bedroom; he left the door ajar.

Marc got a bottle of water from the fridge and slowly took in the living room with his eyes. The bookshelves were filled with reference books on private security, forensic investigation and criminology. Similar to the ones Marc had read when he was taking the detective class. There were only a few photo frames placed on the bookshelves.

No pictures of his asshole husband. Marc blew a sigh of relief. Of course, also no pictures of Marc or any sign of Kay’s life before Berlin. There’s a photo of Kay standing alone on a street, his face in profile, like he’s was unaware of the camera, simply admiring the dozens colourful neon signs in Japanese characters around him. Marc knew it’s from the honeymoon, probably taken by Daniel. The other frame was a group photo from the wedding, but only Kay, Mats, Sonja and Hartmann senior.

Marc had no idea where Kay’s parents were. Kay never mentioned it and Marc never asked. He vaguely remembered Kay mentioning an older brother. They didn’t seem to be in Kay’s life as far as Marc could see.

After setting the alarm on his mobile phone, Marc lay down on the sofa. It was hard and too short for a grown man, but the pillow was soft, and the quilt smelled faintly of laundry liquid. Marc didn't want to indulge in his disappointment that the quilt didn’t carry Kay’s scent.

After half an hour, Marc drifted off to sleep, thinking how strange that he was Kay’s roommate again...

The hard sofa made it difficult, so when the alarm went off, Marc woke up almost instantly. He checked the time on his phone in the pitch-dark room. 2:30am.

Marc went into the bedroom; it was illuminated only by the ground lights on the far end of the wall.

Kay was sleeping. A summer quilt has been kicked down during the night, now only covering his lower back with his ankles sticking out. Marc could make out the shape, the dip and rise of this body from memory. Kay was only taking up half of the bed, sleeping on the left-hand side, like someone who was used to sharing his bed.

The unjustified jealousy surged in the pit of Marc’s stomach again, fuelled with the regret that Marc himself never had the chance to find out Kay liked to sleep on left side of the bed.

The mattress dipped as Marc gingerly sat down on it; he leaned closer. His hand was about to touch Kay’s bare shoulder, when he was struck by Kay’s face. Peaceful and younger looking in his sleep.

_God, he’s so beautiful. I forgot how spellbound I used to be, just watching him lying in bed._

He allowed his hand to stay on Kay’s shoulder for a second, feeling the smooth skin under his thumb and the fine hair against his palm. “Hey,” Marc gently shook Kay’s shoulder. “Kay?”

Kay’s eyes flutter opened. For a few moments, he seemed to struggle to focus.

“Marc?”

_Does Kay sound confused?_ Marc asked, “yes, it’s me. How’s your head, does it hurt?”

“Why would it hurt?”

“Kay - “

“I’m joking.”

“Do you remember what happened?”

Kay rubbed his forehead. “Some crazy woman thought I was stealing her panties and hit my head with a giant book?” he said, followed by a yawn.

“Full marks. You can go back to sleep.” Marc chuckled and got up, rolling his neck around to release a crick in his neck, producing a loud clicking sound. _Damn. I am too old to sleep on a sofa now._

Kay watched him through blurry eyes, he rubbed the back of his neck. “Why don’t you just sleep here? The bed is big enough.”

A tempting offer. Marc hoped it wasn’t because Kay was really concussed.

“Don’t worry. I won’t molest you,” Kay mumbled sleepily. He fluffed his pillow and rolled to sleep facing the window again. Leaving Marc to make up his mind.

Marc stared at the gentle slopes of Kay’s back. Feeling like he was being pulled back to the day when Kay said, “anyway, if you do want to go jogging sometime...”

After putting his mobile phone on the nightstand, Marc peeled back the quilt and lay himself down next to Kay wordlessly, maintaining a respectable distance while keeping a watchful eye on the man next to him.

Marc knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep for the rest of the night.

He was wrong. The next time the phone alarm went off, Marc found himself waking up from a deep sleep.

4:30am.

Kay was now sleeping facing him. Marc reached out, his fingers hovering above Kay’s nose, his mouth, wishing he still had the right to touch him, to kiss him...

Marc gently patted his shoulder.

“Hmmm...” Kay shook off his hand. “Daniel, no...” he murmured, his eyes still closed.

Marc withdrew his hand like he’s been burnt. He watched Kay for a few seconds before he raised his voice a little. “Kay? Hey, wake up...”

Kay finally woke up, blinking a few times. When his eyes finally settled on Marc, he looked relieved. He rolled to lie on his back, letting out a long sigh. “This concussion business is really pissing me off,” said Kay ruefully.

Marc forced out a smile. “I don’t think I need to wake you up anymore and we aren’t required at the station until mid-day.”

“Thank you for saving my concussed ass,” Kay smiled. The lack of sleep has clearly lowered his guard down.

“I thought you said you weren’t concussed.”

“I am not but god knows what that woman would have done to me if you haven’t been there?” Kay sniggered.

“You’re the world’s shittiest pantie-thief.”

“That’s the most creative use of an encyclopaedia, I’d give her that,” Kay said, yawning again.

Marc huffed a laugh. “Go back to sleep,” he meant it to be an order, but it came out like a sigh.

It took a while before Marc fell asleep again, he remembered watching Kay’s back, his eyelids dropping, his mind wondering what his life, what Kay’s life would have been if he hadn’t pushed Kay away 10 years ago.

The next time Marc woke up. The bed was empty.

He could hear the shower running in the en-suite bathroom. It’s 9:30am. Guess they both needed the rest after an eventful night.

Marc got his clothes and went to use the guest bathroom. When he came out, Kay was in the kitchen making coffee.

“Coffee?” He asked. “Little sugar, no milk?”

Marc nodded. Kay remembered.

This felt strange and comforting at the same time to Marc. It’s like a one-night-stand without the sex part; and yet, it’s intimately familiar. Marc’s eyes drifted to the freshly showered Kay, his blond hair a shade darker when it’s wet, his eyes clear and alert. He looked well rested.

Kay caught him staring over the rim of his coffee mug. He raised his eyebrows.

Marc veered away. Taking a sip of his coffee, he decided work topic was safer. “So, you think that address you heard might be their control centre?” Marc asked.

Kay shrugged. “Or a drop off point for the cars? That area is called Little Russia. The information I got from the insurance companies is that cross border smuggling is rampant for these luxury car models.”

“Yes, a lot of them ended up in Russia and the former Soviet bloc.” Marc said. “We can run the address when I get back to the station.” He put down the coffee mug. “I am taking the car back to the police station. Do you want to ride with me?”

“It’s okay. I am going to the P.I. company first with U-Bahn.”

“I have time. I can drop you off first - “Marc paused. There was hesitation in Kay’s eyes. No, not hesitation. Trepidation. Kay didn’t want to be seen with him outside his apartment and he didn’t want to tell Marc why.

He knew he’s taking a risk. All the progress he has made with Kay from last night could be gone. But Marc had to ask. “What’s that stopping a block away bullshit about? Are you afraid your husband would see me with you?”

“He’s not my husband!” Kay said stiffly. “We’ve been separated for over a year.”

But Kay wasn’t denying the second part. Marc’s heart sank. A revolting idea came to his mind. “Is he stalking you?”

Kay looked up. Then he laughed. The bitterness was painful to hear. “No, physical stalking is beneath Daniel.” He shook his head. “He pays someone else to do it,” Kay said with grim amusement.

_What the fuck?_ Marc didn’t find it amusing at all. Something heavy swelled in his chest and he had to suppress a scream of frustration.

“That’s harassment! You need to report him,” Marc spat out.

“Don’t worry. I can handle Daniel,” Kay said with easy arrogance. Like he’s bored of the subject already.

_What? Like letting him grab your wrist hard enough to leave a bruise?_ Marc wanted to ask, he wanted to scream at Kay. _Fuck!_

Kay’s eyes hardened. “I mean it, Marc. Don’t get involved, don’t mention it to Mats either.”

*******

Marc and Kay’s stakeout adventure has become a source of amusement for the task force team. Mats was not happy that Kay got out of the car to investigate, but the conversation he had overheard proved to be useful. They were in the process of applying a warrant to search the address in Charlottengrad.

“I would have gone if I knew it would be this exciting. I want all these stakeout actions!” Nina pouted.

Marc pointed at her nearly 8 months baby-bump. “You’d be crap at it with all your toilet breaks.”

“Marc Borgmann, watch your tongue. I’ll report you for harassment!” Then she darted her eyes at the door before she whispered, “so? How was it working with Blondie all night?”

Marc hasn’t told anyone he spent the night in Kay’s apartment - in his bed; he’s quite sure Kay hasn’t told anyone either.

He shrugged. “We were working. Then he got hit in the head and I took him to the hospital.”

“Uh-huh. You’re no fun.” She narrowed her eyes. Marc knew she’s been dying to hear the details.

But Marc wasn’t in a confiding mood. If anything, the night he spent in Kay’s apartment has left him confused and frustrated. It has also reignited the longing Marc had tried to suppress ever since Kay resurfaced in his life. Now he knew Kay’s marriage was over and the kind of person Daniel was.

Would Kay let him though? His mood dipped as he remembered Kay’s warning. Kay seemed more relaxed around him, but his attitude hasn’t changed. They were colleagues, borderline friends... not the sharing a bed kind.

“Earth to Marc.”

Nina waved her hand in front of him. Marc batted it away.

“We are all going to that Irish pub for a drink. Mats is buying. You coming?”

The most cop thing to do on Friday nights.

Marc hadn’t been on the dating app since that 3rd date with Nicola, his schedule was wide-open, but...

“I know Kay is going,” Nina said triumphantly, knowing she’s holding an ace card.

Marc told Nina to go with the Federal team first and took his time to show up at the Irish Pub 20 minutes later.

He scanned the floor. Nearly half of the patrons were off-duty cops. The barman informed him that Mats Hartmann has opened a tab, so Marc ordered a beer. He spotted Nina holding a glass of Apfelschorle, talking to Mehmet from the Federal police team. He walked towards them.

“... Mats likes to do that. His wife, Sonja too.” Mehmet was telling Nina.

“Like to do what?” Marc chimed in, more as an effort to socialise. But Nina’s wary eyes told him it wasn’t something Marc would like to know.

Oblivious, Mehmet pointed with his chin. “Matchmaking. Paulo Garcia, newbie from Interpol. Mats invited him tonight, so he can meet Kay. Nice of him, I heard Kay just got divorced...”

Marc followed Mehmet’s line of sight.

Kay was standing at the corner of the bar, talking to a Mediterranean looking man in a navy-blue shirt. Kay had an easy smile on his face, his head leaned slightly towards Paulo Garcia with his left ear, listening intently among the noise at the bar.

Marc could feel Nina’s worrying eyes on him, but for the life of him, he couldn’t take his eyes away.

As if Kay was answering his prayer, he finally glanced over and met Marc’s eyes; he nodded in acknowledgment. Every muscle in Marc’s neck and shoulders seemed to seize and it was all he could manage to return a tight nod.

It could be just his imagination, but he felt like Kay wanted to say something, to gesture Marc to come over? But the next moment, Mats Hartmann joined them, and Kay returned his attention to them.

The Interpol newbie occupied Kay for most of the evening. Marc nursed another two bottles of beer while Nina tried to cheer him up with Sven’s latest attempt to re-form his synth-pop band.

“After the baby’s born, he won’t have time to sleep, let alone play in a part-time band,” Marc commented half-heartedly, his eyes strayed to where Kay and Garcia were standing again.

Nina moved Marc’s head to face her. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and Blondie, but you’re being very obvious.”

Scheiße.

“I am sorry...” Marc mumbled. “It’s hard... seeing him again.”

Nina nodded in sympathy. “I know you said you broke his heart. But do you... are you still pining for him or something? Mehmet said he’s divorced...” she asked in a low voice.

“I know. Kay told me.” Marc said.

“Then perhaps you can - “

The ever-optimistic Nina. Marc knew what she was going to say. He shook his head. “But can I?” He felt too heart-sore to know. “Do I deserve a second chance?”

_Bloody beer, making me all sappy. Stop blabbering to Nina._ Marc ordered himself.

“Marc...” Nina began, but she didn’t know enough to say anything more. No one else knew. How deep that wound was. Only Marc and Kay knew.

By 9:30pm, some of them started leaving. Nina accepted a ride from Mehmet, she threw Marc another worrying glance and told him to call her when he got home.

Marc was nursing his 4th bottle of beer when he noticed Kay leaving the pub with Mr Interpol.

After that, he left the unfinished bottle on the bar counter and went to the bathroom. Splashing cold water on his face, Marc checked his face in the mirror. His beer-soaked brain saw his 24-year-old-self staring back at him. Mocking him.

_And you thought you’ve moved on?_

Marc had no energy to answer his younger self. He decided he had had enough self-pity for the night.

The night breeze was a welcoming slap on his face. Thinking he’s still sober enough to take the U-Bahn instead of an uber taxi, Marc started walking. He turned a corner and saw a familiar scene.

Kay was leaning against the wall in the alley next to the pub, smoking.

“Hey.” Marc halted his steps.

The ashes on the tip of his cigarette dropped as Kay straightened up. “Marc?”

Marc walked up to Kay. “Thought you’ve left with Mr Interpol.”

“Who?” Kay frowned.

Marc grinned to himself. Suddenly feeling giddy. Kay didn’t go home with that guy.

What happened next, Marc could only chalk it up to beer courage.

He stepped into Kay’s space, backing him to the wall. He saw Kay’s stunned expression.

“Marc - “

He pressed his mouth onto Kay’s, cutting him off. The warm lips, the taste of tobacco flooded Marc’s senses. He felt like he was falling, swept away to the sea. His hand went to cup the nape of Kay’s neck, drawing him closer; his mouth pressed harder. After a few astonishing seconds, he felt Kay’s hands came to rest on his shoulders. The touch was as electrifying as the kiss. Marc’s tongue started caressing Kay’s lips, seeking permission. He heard Kay let out a soft moan as he opened for him, tongues fighting for dominance, deepening the kiss.

Under the hard and ragged breathing, both of them struggled to get closer. An impossible task as they were aligning against each other head to toe.

Marc felt Kay all around him. In his arms, in his mouth. His hard-on pressing against Kay’s answering one. The taste of Kay, the scent of Kay. Marc felt everything and everywhere.

It was Kay who came back to his senses first. He gently pulled away. His eyes bright like two stars, looking at Marc.

“I know you don’t need my apology,” Marc swallowed, trying to catch his breath. His mind was all over the place, his heart beating too fast, but he knew. He knew he had to say it.

“But I’m sorry. I’ve been sorry for the last 10 years and I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They kissed 😳  
> As always, thank you for staying with this story!


	12. The Long Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay goes home with Marc  
> A flashback - Daniel shows his ruthlessness  
> Nina has something to say

(Kay)

“I am not going to lie. You are a lot better looking than I thought, when Mats described you -” said Paulo, leaning closer to Kay.

“You thought I’d look like a gumshoe P.I.?”

They both laughed. Kay veered away from Paulo’s lingering gaze; he noticed Marc was nursing a beer by himself at the bar.

_Where’s Nina?_

Paulo followed his line of sight. “He’s been looking at us all night. Your ex?”

An ex doesn’t cover it. His mistake? His kryptonite? Kay shook his head. He didn’t know what Marc was anymore.

Either way, Kay was impressed by Paulo’s observation skills. Maybe that’s why he’s a lieutenant in Interpol.

‘He’s a friend,” Kay answered weakly.

Paulo nodded, seemed to have heard what Kay didn’t say. “Well, I should get back. I am working tomorrow.”

“Of course, it’s good meeting you,” Kay said. He meant it. Not as a romantic potential, but Paulo had a lot of experience with cross border crimes, it was fascinating just to hear him talk.

“I’m going to say goodbye to Mats first.”

“He’s outside with the smokers. I’ll walk you out.”

Paulo led the way to the door, Kay followed, resisting the temptation to glance back at Marc.

Kay saw Mats’ eyes narrow as Paulo’s retreating back disappearing down the street, Kay answered him with raised eyebrows. His matchmaking effort was hardly subtle.

Kay decided to stay outside, knowing if he went back in and saw Marc’s lonely figure, he would give in. And it would be a terrible idea.

He wasn’t in the mood to mingle with other smokers either, so he found a quiet corner next to the pub and lit up a cigarette. Inhaling deeply, he felt tension around his shoulders slowly drained away as the nicotine hit.

He didn’t know what to do with all these attentions that Marc has been giving him. Some part of Kay thought he could handle it, no harm allowing himself a little happiness; Marc could always make him smile even when he’s the reason why Kay was sad; the other part of him knew that’s a road paved with peril. Because he couldn’t go back. What was done was done, what was lost was forever lost. He’d known that from the moment Marc ended it.

And yet.

He thought of that morning when he woke up and found Marc sleeping next to him... Kay hadn’t had a chance to look at Marc - really look at him, since they met again. So he had helped himself to it, looking at Marc, cataloguing all the changes from their time apart...

“Hey.”

Kay nearly dropped the cigarette he’s holding. He looked up and found Marc standing in front of him.

“Marc?”

“Thought you have left with Mr. Interpol.” Marc said. Sounded almost in wonder.

_What?_ “Who?” Kay frowned. Marc looked... drunk. He recognised the signs. Not fall on his ass drunk. Just tipsy, giddy.

And then it changed again. Marc gave him a look as he stepped closer, crowding into Kay’s space. That look on his face, yearning, desire, hope...even love. It stopped Kay’s heart.

“Marc - “

Kay felt the kiss before he saw it. Marc’s mouth tasted like the beer he’s been drinking and summer; hot and relentless, it scorched Kay’s brain, short-circuiting, wires melting. His legs went weak when Marc’s hand touched the back of his neck, holding him in place, pressing his mouth harder, confident and demanding. And yet, soft and tender at the same time.

It was all Kay could do to hold onto Marc’s shoulders, opening to him. Their tongues met and lingered, suckling and biting greedily. Marc drew him ever closer into his arms, and Kay fell into them. It was like coming home; like the first drop of water touching the back of a parched throat. The kiss turned into another, and another. He wanted to disappear into the kiss. Never letting it go.

Marc’s thumb traced Kay’s cheekbone, skated along the roughness of his stubble, then moving down to his jawline, his neck, like he’s mapping him. He could feel Marc’s body pressing tightly, pinning him against the wall. They were both hard, both out of breath.

Kay pulled away reluctantly.

He stared at Marc.

“I know you don’t need my apology.” He heard Marc say. Something close to despair flashed across his handsome face.

“But I’m sorry. I’ve been sorry for the last 10 years and I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”

A single drop of tear escaped from his eyes, rolling down before Kay could stop it, leaving a bitter, salty taste at the corner of his mouth.

_Fucking cry-baby, opening the dam at the slightest bit of touch._ Kay laughed at himself quietly.

“Shit... Kay,” Marc caught the tear with his thumb. He pulled him in again, rolling his forehead against Kay’s.

_I wish you have said this 10 years ago. I wish we haven’t parted the way we did. I wish this apology isn’t 10 years too late._

But Kay said none of that. When he finally found his voice again, he asked, “can we go back to your place?”

******

“Vroom! Vroom!”

Something Marc stepped on the floor was making a fake car engine sound. He jumped away and picked up a toy car on the floor. “Sorry, Lukas was here on Sunday. I haven’t had time to tidy up.”

Kay nodded. He wasn’t sure he knew Marc’s child’s name. Or he had blocked it out all those years ago, he couldn’t be sure.

Marc made a sound between a snort and a chuckle. He’s nervous, Kay could tell. They had shared a quiet Uber ride together, both afraid any sound would break this trance they’ve locked themselves in.

Kay walked further into the apartment, fleetingly wondered if Marc had brought many dates here...

Then he felt Marc tugging his elbow, with a shy smile on his face, his gaze flickered between Kay’s eyes and mouth. He led Kay by his hand to the bedroom. 

Kay followed him wordlessly, refusing to consider the trouble ahead, drowning out the last warning in his head. Standing beside the king size bed, Kay reach for him, and Marc pulled him into his arms. This time, the kiss was slower, Kay taking the lead, kissing Marc with equal part of hardness and sweetness.

Marc answered with playful nip on Kay’s upper lip. His hand moved down to Kay’s stomach, his fingers grazed the bare skin under his shirt, cool hands against hot skin, which Marc navigated expertly. Touches so achingly familiar, Kay felt like he had never left.

But he had. They both had.

One of Marc’s hands has slid down to cup his ass, Kay groaned and pressed closer. The taut muscle on Marc’s body felt harder, leaner than he remembered. The scent was the same though, that unique clean sweat and pine aftershave. Kay inhaled against Marc’s collarbone.

“Oh god, Kay... “ Marc moaned, sounding feverish. Intoxicated.

Kay didn’t remember this. Marc never talked much during sex. Kay neither. It had been all grunts and ragged breathing between them. Kay used to wonder if saying his name out loud would remind Marc that he was fucking a man.

Marc didn’t seem to have a problem with that now. His hands busily unzipping Kay’s and his own jeans. Kay peeled away his shirt as they messily tumbled down onto the mattress.

Kay lay on his back as Marc bent down to pull out his jeans and boxer-briefs in one go. Taking his own off too, before climbing onto the bed again, hovering above Kay, his eyes glittered with certain emotion; his thumb traced the outline of Kay’s mouth, like he was something precious to him.

Then he leaned in, licking and nipping Kay’s lips again, like he couldn’t get enough of them. Kay wrapped his arms around Marc’s neck and pulled him down. Their naked bodies met in a delicious collision.

Kay was expecting fast, urgent and slapdash sex, but Marc wasn’t co-operating. Instead he was taking his time, like they had all night and he’s not going anywhere. No pregnant girlfriend to go back to; no more lies to tell. He traced, touched, stroked, caressed every inch of Kay’s body, the newfound tenderness threatened to break Kay’s heart into pieces.

Life is unfair. Countless hook-ups and 5 years of Daniel Hartmann later, how could Kay still feel like he hadn’t been touched or caressed for years? Really touched. Until now.

“Marc...” He whispered, reaching for Marc.

“Yeah?” Marc whispered back, hands rubbing along the side of Kay’s body. A gentle, content smile on his face, eyes crinkled with tenderness. Kay wanted to take a snap photo of this moment and carried it around with him.

There was no need for awkward negotiation, they were both responsible adults now; Marc took what they needed from the nightstand drawer. He warmed the lube on his hands before gently pressed in. Kay rolled on his side, pulling up one knee to give Marc better access; he closed his eyes, focusing on the physical sensation, not the nagging voice at the back of his head.

He could feel Marc’s slightly trembling finger probing and circling, then another finger, stretching, scissoring, before withdrawing completely. Kay missed the contact already.

Marc’s shaky voice was right next to his ear. “You’re ready, baby?”

The endearment was new too. He had never been Marc’s ‘baby’; he was the person who had ruined Marc’s life.

Kay barely nodded, couldn’t form words. Marc pushed in gently, taking his time, his hands never stopped rubbing, stroking. Kay gulped when Marc shoved that final inch in and bottomed out. They both paused, catching their breaths as emotions flowed. Marc squeezed his hand tight, then he started to move, slowly first. Kay gave his consent with a push against Marc and he began to thrust into him. Faster and harder as they recaptured their old rhythm, like an old song they used to sing together with their bodies.

Marc wrapped both of his arms around Kay’s chest from behind, kissing his earlobe, alternate between grunting and murmuring sweet nothings in his ear. By then, all coherent or rational thinking has left Kay, he reached behind and pulled Marc down for a searing kiss. Feeling like he has floated away, drowned in the powerful waves that kept crashing on him.

“Fuck. I miss you...” Marc confessed between kisses. _I miss you too, so much. Too much._ Kay answered in his mind. Marc’s hand slid down and wrapped around Kay’s cock, pulling and pressing it with just the right amount of force, sending shivers down Kay’s spine.

Their breaths turned increasing ragged, their moves becoming frantic. Kay knew they both wouldn’t last much longer. Kay bit down on his low lip as he shot into Marc’s warm hand. Then he heard a shout behind him, Marc’s arms tightened around as he came in pulsating streams.

Kay sagged backward, utterly spent... he felt lightheaded. Marc’s arms were still around him, showering small kisses on Kay’s shoulder blade.

They stayed sweaty and sticky together for a few minutes before Marc got up. The emptiness behind Kay was deafening and instant, dragging him back to the dark memories of every time Marc switching off, like turning an OFF button, leaving Kay alone in bed, in the balcony, on the side of a dirt road.

The mattress springs groaned as Marc hovered half on top of Kay, he returned with a warm cloth and wiped both of them clean with surprising efficiency.

“Spend the night here with me?” Marc murmured with a hint of smile in his voice.

Kay quietly absorbed the request. 10 years ago, he would have done anything to hear Marc say that.

Without answering directly, Kay turned to face Marc, tucking his head under Marc’s chin and melting into him. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, allowing Marc’s familiar scent to fill his senses.

Marc chuckled lightly, taking it as a yes to his request; he stroked Kay’s hair gently.

They lay there quietly for a few minutes. Nothing but the sounds of their even breathing.

Kay tilted his head up, studying Marc’s face in the dimness. “How long have you been watching me on the train?

Marc’s hand stopped. “How do you know...”

“You didn’t look surprised when you saw me. And you would be. I was.” Kay said.

Marc resumed his touching. “A month? 6 weeks? You never looked my way and I was too much of a pussy to approach you.”

Kay nodded. Putting his head back on Marc’s chest.

“Kay - “

Kay could guess what Marc was about to say. He kissed Marc, delaying the inevitable. “I am tired. Let’s go to sleep?”

The gentleness in Marc’s eyes right there would be seared in Kay’s memory. Marc gingerly touched the back of his head, where the bump was. “OK, guess you are still my patient.”

Their roles were in reverse. When Kay woke up the next morning, he saw a freshly showered Marc in a dark grey bathrobe, like a ray of sunshine bursting into the dimmed room. He went to open the shutters.

In the morning sunlight, Marc’s bedroom looked bright and comfortable. The plush rug, teak wood furniture looked homey and welcoming.

“Hey, good morning,” Marc said in low voice. A sweet low voice.

He sat down next to Kay on the bed, the gentle smile still on his face. “I was thinking, maybe we can go running this morning. Do you have to work?” He asked, leaning in to kiss him.

Kay turned his face away.

After a second. He said, “I can’t do this again. I can’t go back.”

The silence in the room had its own heartbeat before Marc found his voice.

“What...”

The hurt on Marc’s face looked like Kay has just shot a bullet right into his chest.

“But... what about last night?” Marc watched him, trying to catch Kay’s eyes, the lines between his eyebrows deepened as realisation dawned. “But we...” He trailed. Looking confused. Wounded. “I am not one of your one-night-stands, Kay!” he said frustratingly.

“You’re not. You never were,” Kay whispered. He smiled without mirth. “That has always been the problem and that’s why we can’t pick up where we’ve left off.”

“Kay, listen -“ Marc moved closer. Kay could tell he wanted to grab his arms but stopped himself at the last moment.

Kay shook his head stubbornly. “No, I don’t have to. I know what I am doing. Last night was the goodbye I owed you. And now we are even.”

******

_(Four years ago)_

“Schatz. Come here.” Daniel took his hand.

Daniel has done something naughty. Kay could tell from his face. The self-congratulatory smirk was always a giveaway.

“What?” Kay said hesitantly but he allowed Daniel to pull him next to his desk.

Daniel pointed at the computer monitor.

The video was grainy because of the dark background, but the picture quality was still high definition. It looked like a hotel room, there was a man leaning against the headboard, his eyes looking slightly below the camera. He was wearing a white shirt, buttons all undone. His face twisting and grimacing in a funny way, hair falling forward, like he’s in pain... or pleasure. He’s beating off. Masturbating.

The man looked obscene, vulgar and ridiculous.

Kay leaned closer; he couldn’t believe it. “Is that...?”

Daniel’s big hand squeezed the back of Kay’s neck in excitement. “Yes! Mein Schatz.” he exclaimed.

The man on the screen was Florian Engel. Kay’s older brother by 6 years. His father’s golden first born. The Engel household’s pride and joy. Kay hasn’t spoken to his brother since his parents kicked him out when Kay was 17, when he came out. He remembered Florian standing next to his father with a stony face, making it clear which side he’s on.

Kay continued to stare at the monitor. The video lasted less than 3 minutes, it ended with Florian climaxing between his own hands in front of the camera.

Kay averted his eyes. _What the fuck?_

Daniel kissed the side of Kay’s face with a smacking sound. “Florian Engel. The biggest narcissist who uses his own name spelled backwards as password for everything. I mean, he adds a number or a special character at the end when it’s required. But that’s all the safety measures he employs. What an idiot. Computer illiterate,” he said. Proud of his handiwork.

“What did you do?” Kay asked. Seeing his brother in such state on a computer screen seemed surreal.

Daniel shrugged. “I hacked into his laptop and turned on its camera. Your brother has the habit of watching porn on his work computer on business trips, otherwise, he’s boring as fuck.”

“How -“ Kay’s family lived 200 miles away in Göttingen, but he didn’t need to ask. He knew Daniel could hack into anything if he put his mind into it. Daniel wouldn’t even need to lift a finger to handle pedestrian computer users like Florian Engel.

“Florian just paid 10,000 euros in bitcoins, in exchange for not having this video sent to his boss. Or stream on his Facebook page.” Daniel grinned.

“You didn’t!” Kay laughed. That’s the best prank someone could do to his self-righteous, bible-thumping brother. Always going on about family value and god’s will.

“I did, Schatz,” Daniel kissed Kay on the lips, clearly excited that Kay was impressed with his handiwork. He brushed Kay’s cheek with his thumb. “Just for you. I’ll do anything for you. Anyone who has done you wrong will get their dues.” His yellow-gold eyes looking straight into Kay’s; he sounded ruthless and uncompromising.

Kay tried to fight the uneasy feeling spreading through his chest. “What are you going to do with the money?” He knew Daniel didn’t need it.

Daniel gave an equivocal shrug. “It goes to one of the LGBTQ charities I support? But before that, I’ll send the video to his boss. Oh wait, maybe I can hack into their company website, that would be even funnier...”

Kay’s smile vanished. This no longer sounded like a fun idea to him. “But he already gave you the money.”

“So what? He’s fucking homophobe! And he encouraged your father to kick you out. In my book, he’s getting off easy, just losing his job.”

“Daniel, no!” Kay knew it will destroy his brother’s life. Both his private and professional life. Sure, Florian was a homophobe and they have never got along, but...

“Please, don’t do this. He must have been scared shitless already. Trust me, he’s a chicken shit.”

“Schatz. You’re too nice.” Daniel grinned. He patted Kay’s face like he’s a child.

“Promise me you will delete the video. Please.” Kay tried using a sterner voice. He couldn’t believe he had to beg on behalf of his stupid hateful brother.

Daniel pursed his lips before he broke into a smile again. But there was something malicious in that smile. And he said, “ok, I’ll think about it, Schatz.”

******

Kay knew it would be awkward. Working with Marc again after that morning. When Kay had simply gotten dressed in silence and left, leaving Marc stunned and his ego smarting.

But Kay also knew Marc was a professional and he loved his job. They both were. The task force was entering its final stages. It wouldn’t be long before arrests would be made, they would part ways again.

It was the right decision. Kay told himself every morning when he woke up. He shouldn’t get involved with anyone now, and even if he could, getting back together with Marc would be a terrible idea. Bad enough that like a crack addict, Kay had allowed himself a final taste, in the name of closure for both of them. Marc had said his apology and made his peace, he could move on too.

Except who was he kidding? Kay knew the real reason why he couldn’t get back with Marc. A second time would finish Kay off.

As luck would have it, Kay has been working between the P.I. company and the Federal team this week. It wasn’t until Thursday that Kay finally returned to Marc and Nina’s office.

Nina was alone in the meeting room, she had two large document storage boxes in front of her.

“Hi, morning,” Kay said.

Nina looked up. “Hey Kay,” she greeted him easily but not as enthusiastic as she used to be.

Kay briefly wondered how much Nina knew. But... nothing he could do about it now.

“Mats told me you got the financials for Podolski’s business, do you need any help?” Kay offered.

Nina lowered the highlighter pen in her hand. “I know you have training in spotting bogus invoices and payments, can you go through their purchase ledgers to see if anything looks funny?”

“Happy to.” Kay took the large box marked ‘Accounts Payable’ from her and began sorting out the ledger books. “The Russian gangs usually like to pose as cleaning, office maintenance or office supplies companies. I’ll start with those first,” he said.

Nina looked impressed. “And I used to think P.I. are purely for catching cheating spouses. You seemed to know all kinds of investigative works.”

“I had a good teacher. But you’re not wrong. Cheating spouse still takes up a big part of P.I. business. But a lot of law firms outsourced investigative works now.”

Nina nodded. “Mats said you are very good at your job and he hasn’t been wrong so far.”

Kay accepted the compliment with a smile. They worked in companionable silence for an hour. Occasionally, giving suggestions to each other.

After another hour and two dried up highlighter pens, Kay thought he could casually pop the question.

“So, where’s Marc today?” He asked, pretending he was still looking at the document in front of him.

Nina looked up almost before Kay finished saying the question, like she’s been expecting it. Of course, she did. Kay knew Nina was a smart detective.

She was watching Kay when she said, “Mats gave him two days off, so he could go back to Ludwigsburg for a long weekend. It’s his father’s birthday.”

Wolfgang Borgmann. Kay remembered Marc’s father’s name. And what had happened in his parents’ house. And hearing Ludwigsburg in the same sentence with Marc’s name sent a shiver through Kay.

_So he’s home. How appropriate after what happened last Friday._

Kay almost forgot to respond. “Oh, yeah?” he said belatedly. Returning his attention to the ledgers.

But Nina wasn’t done. He could feel her eyes burning a hole at his forehead.

“I don’t know what the hell is going on between you and Marc. Or what went down between you two back then. But if you are plotting some revenge scheme, just know that I will personally make sure you’ll regret it,” Nina said pleasantly, like she wasn’t delivering a threat.

Kudos to her for the near-psycho performance. And for being a good friend to Marc.

Kay met her eyes. “What did Marc tell you?”

Nina shook her head. “How much do you think one can pry out of Marc Borgmann’s mouth?” she said. “I only know he was heartbroken when he came in on Monday. And some guy from the Federal team saw you two getting into an uber together last Friday night.”

Kay’s heart lurched. But he fought to keep up a calm appearance.

“Don’t worry. I am not plotting anything. Marc and I, we are not a thing.”

_We never were._

“And believe me, it’s better off for both of us. Marc will feel the same way,” Kay said, perhaps to convince himself as well as Nina.

She considered Kay for a moment with her huge green eyes, then she shook her head. “For a good detective, you are pretty shit at reading people. I mean, come on! If you think Marc isn’t desperately in love with you, you might as well be completely blind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I know this is a bit of a tough chapter... I will get them to a better place, hopefully soon. 😬😬
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting and the kudos, of course. ❤️


	13. This Means War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc has an epiphany in Ludwigsburg  
> Daniel pays Marc a visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter to set up a few things 😬  
> As always, thank you for reading!

(Marc)

“Hey Marc, there you are.”

Marc lifted his sunglasses and looked up. Frank, in a pair of green cargo shorts was handing him a beer.

“Thanks.” Marc took the ice-cold bottle from him. The sun was still blazing. It’s late August and it felt like the summer was never going to end. Marc’s mother has given him a tube of sunscreen earlier. Seemed ridiculous that sitting in a garden in Germany now required sunscreen. His son Lukas had no problem with that, he was going on about climate change all the time, knowing more about it than his old man.

“Nice weather.” Frank sat down next to him on one of the deck chairs now permanently featured in his parents’ garden.

“Hmm...” Marc said non-committally. His mind drifted to Kay’s tanned forearms momentarily, the light freckles on his shoulder blade, so beautiful, so distracting. Has it really been less than a week ago?

Marc refused to believe that Kay had slept with him to get even. No way. Marc might be insensitive sometimes, but he wasn’t blind. Kay was with him that night. 100%. The way Kay had looked at him; the way they made love... Marc hadn’t imagined it. They were two people who loved each other, in love with each other.

_So what went wrong, Kay? What have I done?_

“How’s the task force going? I didn’t know you’d have time to come here this week,” Frank enquired.

He hadn’t planned to, had told his mother that he might not be to make it, his father’s birthday gift already in the post. Then after last Saturday morning, he wanted to get away. Not running away. Marc was done with that. He just needed a little distance from Kay. For now.

“We are waiting for some paperwork to come through, so they let me off for a few days,” Marc dragged his attention back to Frank.

“Maybe you can come to Eiden’s retirement party this weekend too then, he would love to see you,” Frank suggested.

He would have loved to, but Marc wasn’t sure he wanted to meet everyone from his old unit, certainly not guys like Limpinski. And he knew everyone would be there.

“I’m not sure. I might have to drive back earlier.”

“You know everyone wants to see you, they are all curious about your life in Berlin, they talk about you all the time on Facebook,” Frank said. “Myself included.”

Marc snorted. “You are becoming a busybody in your old age.”

“Fuck off, Marc Borgmann, you’re no spring chicken yourself anymore.” He bumped Marc’s arm. “How’s your online dating going anyway? Tell me all the stories. Entertain this boring married guy.”

Frank knew Marc was dating both men and women, his best friend was completely unfazed by it, but for whatever reason, Frank has never taken his relationships with men seriously.

How would he react if Marc told him about seeing Kay again?

Marc took a sip from his beer and said, “Kay has joined the task force.”

When Marc didn’t hear a response. He turned to look at Frank, who was just staring at him.

“Kay? As in Kay Engel? That Kay?” Frank said slowly, like he’s learning a new word.

Marc nodded.

“So, he’s still a cop?”

“No, a P.I., he’s doing consulting work for the task force,” Marc explained.

“Oh wow. After all these years.” Frank still looked like he’s in shock. Speechless.

“And?” Frank raised his eyebrows, urging Marc to tell him more.

_And he was married to an asshole millionaire who leaves bruises on his wrist. And there’s nothing I can do about it._

“He’s a good P.I., seems to love his job.” Marc said instead. It didn’t feel right to tell Frank about Kay’s marriage or his divorce. It was none of Frank’s business. Kay seemed to think it was none of Marc’s business either.

“How...” he waved his arms around, trying to find the right words. “Is he happy to see you again?”

“He’s not interested to pick up where we’ve left off, if that’s what you’re asking,” Marc said dejectedly. “He said he can’t go back.”

_Scheiße, it hurts._

Something close to panic flashed across Frank’s ruddy face, he touched his shoulder. “Oh, Marc, still? I’d have thought—”

“That I would have gotten over him?”

Frank shrugged. “I know you were very upset, and you felt guilty when he left. Especially the way he left. I felt a bit guilty too! About what happened with Gregor... “Shaking his head. “Anyway, what I mean is, it’s been years now and you seem to be doing fine, right?”

What was he thinking? Frank wouldn’t understand. “I’m fine,” Marc said, looking away from his concerned gaze. “It’s fine,” he said again, already regretted bringing this up.

Frank nodded, unheeding, he said, “and it’s not like you two were in love back then. It was more like an experiment for you, wasn’t it? I mean, you told me Kay chased you - “

Marc snapped up. “You think it’s just an experiment for me?”

Frank looked abashed; he said, “experiment? Awakening? I don’t know the gay term.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “How serious could it be? You never talked about him and you were so desperate to get back with Bettina. I figured you only went looking for him because things didn’t work out with Bettina -”

“I love him,” Marc blurted out. As he said it, Marc realised it was the first time he said it out loud to another human being.

“What...” Frank’s eyes couldn’t get any bigger. It would have seemed funny to Marc if the joke wasn’t on him.

“But you said...” Frank squirmed, struggled to find a reason to support his claim. “But back then you said you didn’t know how it happened. That it was just a one-off. To be honest, I thought you’d be relieved that Kay has left.”

_Because I was a fool._

Suddenly the beer in his mouth tasted like sand. The bitterness on his tongue a reminder of his own mistake.

**_“And what about us?”_ **

Kay had asked him that. And Marc had answered him by leaving that key.

Kay didn’t know. He had left thinking Marc had never loved him.

******

There was no goodbye too, this time.

Marc came back to the office on Tuesday when Mats informed the task force that Kay’s consulting work has come to an end. He would still be on call, when the team needed help, but he wouldn’t be coming in.

Nina has been tiptoeing around him all day, no doubt noticed that Marc’s mood has turned even darker after he came back from Ludwigsburg.

She insisted Marc should come to her house for dinner tonight. Marc could use the distraction, but he turned it down. He was in no shape to be anyone’s dinner guest.

Marc found a thick file tied with rubber band on his desk. There was a blue post-it note on top. He recognised Kay’s loopy handwriting.

>>Copies of Podolski’s past insurance claims and copy invoices of a few suspicious vendors from his company. Gang-related? Good Luck - Kay<<

After the little ‘epiphany’ he got from chatting with Frank, Marc couldn’t help thinking that it was all too late for him. That the mess he had made 10 years ago was a monumental fucked-up.

And Marc had thought an apology and a tumble in bed would fix it? That Kay would just walk back into his life?

How could he even begin to untangle that mess? Should he even try?

When Marc walked home from the U-Bahn station that night, the first thing he noticed was the black Audi TT parked outside his apartment building. He quickly glanced at the licence plate.

It was Kay’s Audi.

His heart sped up; he slowed down his steps. When he stopped right next to the car, someone emerged from the driver’s side.

Daniel Hartmann was wearing a pair of light blue jeans and a designer white cotton t-shirt that probably costed more than Marc’s entire t-shirts collection and a grey hoodie. His dark brown hair was closely cropped. He looked every bit like a dressed down tech CEO.

“Not who you were expecting?” Daniel stepped onto the pavement, looking pleased with himself.

Marc stared at him. Several thoughts ran through his mind. The first one was whether Kay was ok. Showing up in Kay’s Audi TT was a deliberate move, Marc had no idea how come Daniel was driving it now. But one thing for sure - Daniel was posturing, marking his territories, which meant he thought Marc was going out with Kay.

“Do I know you?” Marc asked coolly.

Daniel threw his head back and laughed. The maniac.

“I believe you and I have something in common. So, can we talk?”

The warning siren was blaring loudly inside his head. If Daniel was waiting for him like this, he must have come prepared. But the desire to find out more about this man and Kay overshadowed everything, Marc knew he had to walk into the unknown. Even if it’s a trap.

Marc led Daniel to a coffee bar a block away. An independent shop with Berlin bohemian flair. Good enough for a CEO in casual attire.

Daniel looked around the shop’s decor. “Looks like a place my staff would go.” He ordered a cold drink with ginseng in it. Marc ordered a beer.

Marc picked the two seats facing the window, he preferred not to sit in a quiet corner with someone like Daniel.

They sat down with their drinks, quietly assessing each other for a few seconds.

Marc didn’t get it. Daniel didn’t look like someone Kay would like. He’s good looking but in a well-groomed way. Everything was too immaculate; everything about him was calculated, even the smart casual dress-code. Not to mention, he clearly thought he’s smarter and better than you. Kay would have hated this smug intellectual.

“I’ve always been curious about you. Sergeant Marc Borgmann,” Daniel said, adding honey into his ‘health drink’.

Obviously, Daniel was expecting Marc to play his role in this ‘pissing contest’. “What could you possibly know about me?” Marc sighed.

“Not a lot, I admit. But I know about you and Kay,” he announced. Like it was breaking news.

Marc tried not to show his alarm. It could mean anything. It could mean Daniel found out he had slept with Kay two weeks ago; or he could mean 10 years ago; or nothing at all, he’s just bluffing.

_Thread carefully._ He told himself and schooled his face into his emotionless ‘cop’ face. Marc kept his mouth shut.

“My fault, really. I didn’t make the connection right away; didn’t know you were the famous Marc.” Daniel continued; he wasn’t bothered by the non-response or the cop-face. “Kay doesn’t want me to know, of course. Such an embarrassing chapter of his life.” He threw a quick glance at Marc, gauging his reaction.

“But one night he got drunk - this was before I got him cleaned up in the best rehab money can buy - anyway, he got drunk and was feeling sad, he started telling me how he has only ever been in love once. But the guy has a girlfriend and a baby, the whole pathetic gay man pining for a straight man bullshit.” Daniel waved his hand in a dismissive way. “I deduced it must have happened when he was a cop. So, I did some diggings in your old unit’s Facebook group and found out the whole sordid story.”

Daniel narrowed his eyes, looking at Marc curiously, like he couldn’t believe Marc had it in him to do what he did. “You did quite a number on Kay, didn’t you?”

Marc’s heart started galloping, his hand gripping the beer bottle so tight, it could break any second. The shame and guilt at hearing ‘the half-truth’ coming out of Daniel’s mouth, threatened to send him into a tailspin.

“You know nothing,” Marc finally spat out.

“I know enough.” The smirk on Daniel’s face turned into a nasty smile. “I know you dumped him when he went all bunny-boiler on you at some party. So, what did Kay do?”

He wasn’t expecting an answer; he watched Marc squirmed. Clearly getting off at making people uncomfortable, hurting people. “Oh, our beautiful Kay, he never knows when to quit. I guess that’s why he’s an addict. But I don’t mind, I love that wild side of him, that bit of fire in him.”

Marc released his grip on the bottle and pushed it away. He clenched his fist so tight, his fingernails were digging into his skin, he wanted to punch Daniel so badly, for calling Kay an addict, for belittling him.

“What happened between me and Kay in the past is none of your business. You can stop your posturing. I know Kay has divorced you.” Marc was able to keep his voice stern and steady. Cop voice.

The muscle in Daniel’s jaw moved, his smile slipped just a little. The divorce was a sore subject. “Don’t believe your source. That isn’t happening,” Daniel said without inflection.

_This guy is unbelievable._ Marc asked impatiently, “what’s the point of your visit? What is it that you want?”

Daniel seemed to have recovered. He clapped his hands in front and smiled. “Consider this a friendly warning. Stay away from Kay. If I found you bothering Kay again, it will get ugly.”

Marc briefly fantasised wiping Daniel’s smug smile off his face, telling him how he was making love to Kay all night less than two weeks ago. How much Marc would enjoy seeing the shock and humiliation on Daniel’s face.

But that would be childish, petty and dangerous. He didn’t know what kind of a hold Daniel had on Kay, and if Marc somehow made the situation worse for Kay, he’d never forgive himself.

“Verbally threatening a police officer is a criminal offence,” Marc warned dully.

Daniel snorted. Shrugging it off like Marc had just cracked a joke.

Marc thought of the Audi TT now in Daniel’s hands, the P.I. spying outside Kay’s apartment, the grab mark on his wrist... a white-knuckle dread set up residence firmly in Marc’s stomach.

Kay had looked defiant that night, like he could fight back whenever he wanted to. But years of KriPo experience told Marc that could mean nothing.

When he first joined KriPo, Marc had worked closely with Landespolizei’s Victim Support Services, he had dealt with some domestic violence cases, a few with male victims. Female victims tended to lie about their abuses with I-fell-down-the-stairs excuses; while male victims would say they weren’t getting beaten, that they were fighting. They just lost the fight this time, that’s all.

Marc’s gaze drifted to Daniel’s neatly manicured hands, imagining them squeezing Kay’s wrists, arms, neck... “Violence against your spouse is also a criminal offence,” Marc said, watching Daniel’s face like a hawk.

Like a stage curtain coming down, Daniel’s expression became closed-off in an instant. After a few heavy seconds, he sneered. “Kay is a big boy. He can take care of himself.”

Suddenly Marc felt the ground shifted underneath him, his legs going weak. He discreetly grabbed onto the corners of the table, refusing to show weakness in front of this son of a bitch.

Daniel’s non-denial has just confirmed Marc’s darkest fear.

_Now this means war._


	14. "I Have To Leave"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay has dinner with Mats  
> A flashback, the incident that ends Kay's marriage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter contains scenes of domestic violence. It is not too graphic and this is likely to be the only chapter I would have such scenes, so I didn't put it in the main tags (apart from the hurt/comfort). 
> 
> But if this is a trigger for you, I apologise. Please feel free to skip it and please take care.

(Kay)

Another cheating husband in the bag. Kay whistled. He hoped the piano teacher mistress was worth the family home the man was going to surrender to his wife. 

He was putting away his camera into the hard case when his work mobile phone rang. 

It was Mats. He was the only person Kay has given this number to outside of the P.I. company, and he wouldn’t call Kay on this phone unless it’s something urgent.

“What’s wrong?” Kay said when he answered, already dreading it’s about Klaus.

“Klaus is fine,” Mats answered from the other end. 

Kay’s heart rate slowed down. He chuckled. “What’s the occasion then?”

“We made the arrests today. At the address you found out, after a sting operation by the Federal team. Thought you might want to know.”

Mats was in a good mood. Kay could tell from his voice. “That was quick.” It had been just over a month since Kay went on that comical stakeout with Marc.

“First step. We just got enough to make the arrests. Still need to gather more evidence for the preliminary trial,” said Mats.

“Now the bureaucrats invade,” Kay joked. He has worked with law firms enough times to know that could be a long process. But still, it was a big step for the task force. He wondered if the Federal team would just take over everything from now on. Would Marc still be involved in the task force?

He hasn’t spoken to Marc since that morning...

“Listen, Sonja and the kids are at her mother’s place tonight, I am looking for a dinner date. Are you free?”

“Aww. The poor married Chief Inspector who can’t cook. Sure, I can join you. I am done for today,” Kay teased. But he knew Mats cherished alone time, he would order takeaway and watch football on TV. He wanted to talk to Kay tonight, that’s all.

“Meet me at Gugelhof at 8?”

Kay arrived first. It’s fully packed, like most evenings here. The staff led him to a table by the window. Mats had called in advance; he loved this Alsatian restaurant in Prenzlauer Berg. This has been his staple choice for as long as Kay has known him, the manager would always give him a table, even at short notice. 

Kay remembered meeting Klaus at this restaurant for the first time. Three months after Mats had gotten him off the misdemeanour possession charge; two months after he and Daniel started dating. Daniel wanted them to be exclusive and Kay to meet his family: Klaus, Mats and Sonja.

Kay had never dated anyone serious enough to meet their family.

_Well, not entirely true. I have met Marc’s parents, look how much they’ve loved me_. The bitterness from that memory has slowly turned into a self-deprecating joke over the years.

The Hartmanns were a world apart from the Borgmanns. They were open-minded and welcoming. But feeling nervous and out of place, Kay had talked very little, drunk too much, too fast that night. By the time dessert wine was served, Kay was way past tipsy, Daniel had tried to stop him by placing his hand on top of Kay’s wine glass. Angry and humiliated, Kay had walked out of the restaurant; at that moment, he hadn’t cared if he never saw Daniel again.

It was Klaus who had come out to look for him. He had sat with Kay outside while he finished smoking his cigarette. Then he asked Kay about the private security job he was doing back then, his time in Ludwigsburg BePo unit, which part of police work he enjoyed the most, disarming Kay with his gentleness and genuine interest in his voice. And later, Klaus had put his hand on Kay’s back when too much Gewürztraminer and cigarettes made him throw up. That hand was like an anchor for Kay’s aimless wandering...

“Sorry. Traffic. Did you wait long?” Mats appeared in front of him.

He took in Mats’ tall and athletic frame, the gentle smile on his face. He looked a lot like Daniel and yet everything was inverted, like a reverse-mirror. Same nose, same eyes, but they were menace vs haven; hubris vs modesty; manipulative vs ingenious. _How could I have been so blind?_

Kay shook his head. “No, but I’ve told them to prepare the Flammeküche that you like. I think it’s still too warm to have Bäckeoffe.” The two dishes that he knew Daniel always ordered.

Mats concurred. He briefly updated Kay on the arrests. Luca Podolski and two other associates with Russian gang background. They all made bail after questioning, but Mats was confident that more arrest warrants would be issued.

“It’s all coming together then. That’s great news,” Kay said. He meant it. He knew Mats has been working for years to make charges against the Russian gang in Berlin. 

Mats smiled. “Car thefts, insurance fraud and smuggling were less glamourous than murder charges but could still put away some heavy hitters in the gang.”

“Al Capone was nailed on tax evasion.” Kay smiled.

“Exactly.”

Kay hesitated for a second, then asked with fake nonchalance, “do you still need the Landespolizei’s help then?”

Mats’ eyes sharpened; Kay could almost hear the gear in his head turning. “Marc and Nina are still in the task force; the car thefts are still in the jurisdiction of Landespolizei.”

Kay simply nodded.

“Talking about Marc,” Mats held his gaze. “Someone from the team saw you two leaving together that Friday night. Have you two resolved your old conflicts from the BePo days?”

Kay knew this was Mats’ way of asking if he’s going out with Marc.

“We talked,” Kay said. Understatement of the year. He watched Mats’ concerned face and felt compelled to tell him the truth. Well, truth with some omissions. “We... had a history,” he continued. “We were involved back then when Marc had a girlfriend.” _When Marc Borgmann thought he’s straight as an arrow._ “Then we broke up.” Kay shrugged.

Mats scratched his chin thoughtfully. “I kind of figured that out belatedly. Marc was cagey around you.” He paused. “He’s the reason you quitted the police force?”

_More like running away._

Kay nodded. “That. And like I told you, it wasn’t a place to be a policeman and to be gay.”

Mats grimaced. “Fuck. Some police units really need some proper sensitivity training.”

“It was 10 years ago, maybe it’s different now. Even in Ludwigsburg.”

Mats looked like he wasn’t convinced. But they were interrupted by the arrival of two Flammeküchen. Mats waited til the staff has left. “Daniel is in a foul mood these days, according to his PA.” Then he asked carefully, “I know you transferred the car to him. Has he tried to contact you?”

Mats didn’t know about the P.I. Daniel sent, nor how he showed up at Klaus’ care home when Kay was there.

“I haven’t seen him for a while. I left the Audi and the document with his PA.” Kay lied. He saw no upside driving a wedge between the two brothers. It would only hurt Mats and Klaus.

But Mats wasn’t naive. “You know you need to tell me if he’s harassing you. I will talk to him and make him understand.”

“I can deal with Daniel myself.”

“But you don’t have to, that’s the point. Not all by yourself.” Mats said with a bit of heat. “Kay, I am not just helping you. I am protecting Daniel from himself too. You know he loses his head when it comes to - “

_Me? Owning me like I am his favourite possession?_

“I know,” Kay softened his voice. “If you want to help. Get him to sign the divorce papers.”

Mats took a sip of his beer; he considered for a few seconds and said, “maybe I should show him the - “

“No.” Kay replied right away. Non-negotiable. Not when Klaus still had a lucid mind 10% of the time. That option had to be the last resort. “He just doesn’t like losing. Eventually he will get bored and know I won’t come back.” 

That’s what Kay has been hoping for. Mats seemed to agree reluctantly. They worked on their Flammküche for a while, both of them with their own thoughts.

“About you and Marc... you know I’d be happy for you, right? Sonja too. We are here for you,” Mats suddenly said.

Kay looked up. “Thanks. But Marc and I are not getting back together.”

**_“If you think Marc isn’t desperately in love with you, you might as well be completely blind.”_ **

Nina’s words ran through his mind. Kay shook his head. “We were just clearing the air.” _By fucking our brains out._ Kay felt his face heat up. Sex has always been such a big part of their relationship. Sex with Marc was never just sex. That has always been different to Kay, sometimes it’s like his life was depending on it.

But Mats’ next sobering words brought Kay back to reality.

“Marc or someone else, Daniel won’t be happy about it. That’s why you need to let me know. Promise me you’ll do that?”

******

_(14 months ago)_

A mix of gentle hum and droning beep sounds woke him up.

Kay found himself in a hospital bed, wearing a flimsy hospital gown. And his head hurt. Maddening, splitting headache. Or was it his face? Kay winced. He felt throbbing pain on his face and... he couldn’t see properly, like part of his vision was blocked. He tried to touch his face but found bandages on his fingers, tubes taped on his arms.

_Scheiße. What the hell happened?_

Kay tried to think. But whenever he tried to concentrate, the pounding in his head got so loud he couldn’t think straight. He closed his eyes and allowed his breathing technique to kick in: one long, slow breath through the nose, hold it, count to 3, then exhale slowly through the lips. Slowly and evenly.

_I was doing surveillance earlier, then I got back to the office... and then I went to a bar with my colleagues, there was this new guy who just joined today... what’s his name... we were talking... and then..._

_Daniel._

Kay’s next breath caught in his throat. His heart jumped. He glanced at the heart rate monitor next to his bed and saw the number climbing. The number jumped even more as fragments of memories flooding into his brain.

The beeping sound started getting louder and faster.

Someone rushed into the room. Two people. A nurse and a doctor. The woman in a white lab coat took one look at the monitor and started massaging an area on his neck, just below his jaw.

“It’s ok, breathe out. Yes, yes. Nothing to worry about. Just breathe through your mouth. It’s just a stress spike. Not a big deal... yes, you are doing so well.”

Kay let her soothing voice lure him back to a calmer state.

Happy with the reduced number, she released her hands on his neck. After that, she took out a penlight and started checking his eyes. “Do you remember what happened?”

Kay shook his head. “I don’t know.”

She didn’t seem surprised by his answer. “Follow my finger,” she ordered and began moving her finger from left to right and back in front of Kay.

“Very good.” Her hands now touching under his jawlines. It tickled but Kay didn’t want those warm hands leaving him.

After she has finished examining him, she watched Kay with a pair of tired eyes. Kay wondered what time it was. 

“You were found unconscious on the street earlier. A couple took you to the hospital, but they said they don’t know you. What was the last thing you remember?”

_Daniel._ Kay thought. But what about him? Then suddenly an image flashed across his mind: Daniel on the floor, no, it wasn’t Daniel, it wasn’t a human, it was a knife. There was a knife on the floor.

_Scheiße._ “Daniel?” Kay asked the doctor dazedly. 

“Daniel? Was there a friend with you when you were attacked?”

Kay swallowed, eyes darting around. “Daniel? Is he OK?”

“They only found you passed out on the street,” the doctor said, a twinge of concern in her voice now.

The image of the knife returned. “Was I holding a knife?” Kay’s voice quivered. _No, shit, please, no._

“No. And there’s no stab wound on you, no blood on you or your clothes either. But you sustained trauma injuries on your head, face and arms. You have a concussion and lost consciousness for more than an hour.” The doctor looked at him curiously. “You said you were holding a knife?”

Kay shook his head. He still couldn’t recall what exactly happened, except the nagging feeling that something bad had happened. About Daniel and a knife.

“Do you remember your name?”

_What kind of question is that?_ Kay frowned. “My name is Kay Engel.”

“Very good. Mr Engel, do you remember where you were earlier?”

_The bar... then I was home with Daniel... then... no, don’t go there._

Kay closed his eyes and shook his head.

The doctor shared a concerned gaze with the nurse, then she said in her soothing voice again. “Because of the nature of your injury. I’d suggest calling the police. Should I do that?”

Kay opened his eyes. After a few seconds. He said to the doctor, “can you call this number and ask for Chief Inspector Mats Hartmann? Just him. No one else. Please?”

Before Mats got to the hospital, alone in the plain white room, Kay began to connect the fragments:

They had been arguing. Just after Kay mentioned the name of the new guy joining the P.I. company, Daniel had been accusing him; he had been angry, jealous. His usual excuses.

Then suddenly a backhand strong enough to split Kay’s lips. Long, syrup-thick drops of blood spattered the white leather sofa Daniel liked so much. Kay had pushed him back and ran up the stairs two at a time to the bedroom, he had taken out a gym bag and started dumping clothes into it. Blood dripping onto his clothes, but he didn’t care. Then came the banging on the door and Daniel shouting, “open this fucking door, Kay! I swear I’ll kick it down if you don’t open it now! You fucking ungrateful pothead! Open the door! Kay!”

More kicking on the door, sounds of wood splitting. Then Daniel’s ugly, corrosive laughter filled the air as he burst into the bedroom. The punches came as Kay held his arms up in a defensive pose. One. Two on the side of his head before Kay kicked Daniel’s groin. A loud, painful yelp from Daniel. Kay had fled down the stairs, feeling dizzy, queasy, his eyes blurry. Rapid footsteps chasing him. He felt a pull on his shoulder, Daniel had dragged him back by the kitchen counter. 

That’s when Kay grabbed the kitchen knife on the chopping board.

“Get the fuck away from me. Go away! I swear I’ll kill you. I will fucking kill you.”

They had both stopped at the same moment. Heavy breathing only in the room, eyes like daggers on each other. Then Kay ran to the front door, he dropped the knife and ran out onto the street. He ran and ran... until he could run no more, and blackness claimed him.

There was no mirror in the room. But by looking at Mats’ face, Kay knew he must look really bad.

“What the hell happened, Kay? Did someone attack you?” Mats took one of Kay’s hands in his and began checking for injuries with the other. He couldn’t help being a cop, first and foremost.

“Mats...”

“I need to call Daniel... have you called him yet?” His hand squeezed Kay’s tightly.

“Mats...”

“Fuck. Is it some asshole bigot? Some homophobe?”

“Mats!” Kay shouted with all the energy he had.

Mats looked at him.

Kay licked the cut on his split lips, it burnt. The coppery taste still lingered. “Mats, I am leaving Daniel,” Kay said. Emotionless.

Mats’ face was white as a sheet. He looked confused. But Kay knew he wasn’t stupid, he’s slowly connecting the dots. When Kay held his gaze steadily, the realisation drained the last bit of colour on his face. 

“No.” Mats shook his head. “No, you are telling me Daniel did this? Daniel hit you?”

He didn’t think he has ever seen Mats like this. So helpless and so scared. So unlike Mats. And the pain in his voice, like Kay had stabbed him with a knife. Kay never wanted this. It’s shameful enough when it was only between him and Daniel. Kay never wanted anyone to know. Didn’t want Mats or Klaus to ever see him like this. _Oh god, not Klaus. It will break his heart, he’s already so frail._

“How long has this been going on?” Mats finally asked. Accepting the defeat. The bleakness in his voice sent tremors through Kay. 

He swallowed, avoiding Mats’ eyes. The truth was he didn’t even remember when. It had started with the smallest thing, a trivial argument over nothing. Daniel was in a bad mood; he snapped, something that happened with increasing frequency after they had gotten married. Ironically, Kay only noticed Daniel was an angry drunk after he had quitted drinking himself. Daniel didn’t get drunk often, but when he did, he was stormy. 

The only thing Kay remembered after that first strike was the shock on both Daniel’s and his own face. Kay stood motionless, hand covering his burning cheek. He didn’t fight back, not verbally, not physically; he just stood there, staring at Daniel in disbelief. 

Kay’s left ear was still ringing from the backhand slap when Daniel pulled him into his arms, frantically apologising, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean it, Schatz... fuck! Fuck! Fuck!! You just drive me so crazy sometimes... Oh god, Kay, you have to forgive me, I won’t do it again, I’ll kill myself first...”

Daniel was the one who had cried that first time. But no, he hadn’t killed himself first before he hit Kay the next time and the next time after that. When Kay fought back, verbal insults would come before the tearful apologies and the begging for forgiveness.

But how did it come to this? How did Kay become this person, with a knife in his hand? Kay couldn’t remember the steps, the roads that had led him to this day. 

Maybe he has really hurt his head; maybe he has gone crazy.

“How long, Kay?” Mats asked again, his voice croaked. 

Kay turned his gaze back to Mats, back to the present. He ignored Mats’ question because it didn’t matter anymore. 

“I have to leave. Because I know next time, I will kill him,” Kay said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Marc will be back next chapter. 😬  
> Thank you for reading!


	15. A Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Lukas visit Nina at the hospital  
> A reprise, Marc waits for Kay at his apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this chapter a bit, because it's so hard to get words out of Marc's mouth sometimes!  
> Anyway, I hope you will enjoy it. And as always, thank you for reading.❤️

(Marc)

“Why is she all wrinkly?”

“Lukas!” Marc shouted, covering his son’s mouth. “Sorry.”

Sven laughed heartily. “It’s OK. Little Gertrud is wrinkly because she came out a little bit earlier than she should.”

“Her name is not Gertrud!” Nina glared at her husband, but there was no real heat in her complaint. They were never tired of this game. Marc knew the baby girl would not be named Gertrud. 

Nina turned to Lukas, said in a voice when adults talk to toddler. “She will be smooth like a new princess in a couple of days.”

Lukas looked at the baby sceptically again, he shrugged. Lost interest already.

“You were quite wrinkly too when you were born,” Marc told his son.

“No way! Mama said I was perfect.”

They all laughed.

Nina had gone into labour 2 weeks before her due date, she needed an emergency Caesarean section delivery, both she and the baby were healthy, but she needed to stay in the hospital for a few days to recover. 

It was lucky that it happened after they had made the arrests. The task force was not too busy. She would start her maternity leave anyway; Marc would have to carry on by himself.

Nina told him Mats Hartmann was here earlier, had reassured she that he has highlighted her invaluable contributions to the task force in his report and promised not to let Marc take all the glory when it’s done. Nina was lapping it all up.

_Of course, Mats Hartmann always knows what to say._ Marc thought. He hadn’t mentioned to Mats about his little chat with Daniel. His first instinct had been to go to Kay - that urgent, irrational need to see, to make sure that he’s ok. 

That night he had driven to Kay’s apartment building. Marc had parked across the street; watching Daniel’s P.I. watching Kay’s apartment; watching the lights came on in Kay’s top floor apartment; watching Kay finish his cigarette on the balcony around 1am before the lights finally turned out. And only then had Marc left.

The encounter with Daniel has unsettled him. Marc had a cold sinking feeling that Daniel wasn’t going to let go of Kay that easily. Divorce papers meant nothing to people like Daniel. 

On top of that, in a darker, deeper part of Marc’s mind, he began to second-guess, he couldn’t help feeling angry, no, not angry; Marc felt... jealous. He couldn’t shake his anger that Kay hasn’t completely cut Daniel out of his life. 

Like he had done with Marc 10 years ago.

Why did Kay still allow that asshole to see him? To drive his car? To stalk him? After what Daniel had done or might still be doing. Marc shuddered every time he thought of that possibility. And the even more horrifying possibility that Kay might still have feelings for his husband, might even still love him.

That thought didn’t just stab Marc right through his heart, it kept twisting deeper into the wound. Kay had looked like he wanted nothing to do with Daniel, but Marc knew how complicated marriages could be.

A knock on the door. “Hey.”

Marc turned his head to the direction of the sound. And suddenly Kay was standing there, filling up the door frame in his causal weekend clothes. He had no right to look good enough to eat in a plain white t-shirt, black joggers and running shoes. In fact, he looked like he has just come from a run in the woods, smelling faintly of rain and wet leaves. There was a small Steiff teddy bear in his hand, he flashed a shy smile and said to Nina, “Sorry for the impromptus visit, I see you’re busy.”

“Kay! Come in!” Nina waved him in. He gave the teddy to Sven and said hi. 

“Mats told me yesterday. Congratulations,” Kay said. His eyes were gentle on the little bundle in Nina’s arms. “Is this the little one? She’s beautiful.”

“Does she look like a Gertrud to you?” Nina asked.

“Gert - “Kay froze; his eyes darted between Nina and Sven and knew there’s a side he needed to pick. Marc could tell Kay was trying to gauge if the name was Nina’s idea.

“Na ja. She looks like an Emilie to me,” Kay said, like he had given it some thought. “Or Charlotte.”

“Ha!” Nina said triumphantly. 

Sven pursed his lips, ignoring her gloating; he rubbed his chin and mumbled, “Charlotte is a good name.”

Kay flicked a glance at Marc, their gaze held briefly. Then Marc’s eyes dropped to the tip of Kay’s tongue which was sticking out at the corner. Kay shifted his feet and lowered his lashes before he noticed Lukas, who has already returned his attention to the Nintendo Switch. 

Of course, Kay has never met Lukas since he was a baby. In fact, Marc wasn’t sure if Kay had even seen Lukas at that party before Marc asked him to leave.

Marc pulled Lukas in front of him, hands on his shoulders. “This is my son, Lukas.” Kay looked up at him; he looked surprised. 

“Lukas, say hi to Mr Engel.”

Kay shook Lukas’ hand. “Hi Lukas. Call me Kay,” he said.

“Hi, Kay!” Lukas perked up. He always liked it whenever adult treated him as an equal.

Kay was still looking at Lukas, studying his facial features. Marc had been told that Lukas took after Bettina more, he wondered what was going through Kay’s mind. 

“Are you Papa’s boyfriend?” Lukas suddenly asked.

“Lukas!”

“What?”

Kay and Marc said the same time. Kay smiled slowly, he asked Lukas, “why would you say that?”

Lukas lifted one shoulder. “I heard Mama told Aunt Claudia that Papa’s boyfriends are all versions of Kay.”

No one seemed to know what to say to that. Marc wasn’t surprised, it would be such a typical thing for Bettina to say. He didn’t know whether to feel flattered or annoyed for his ex-girlfriend’s continuous interest in his love life. 

Marc felt his face inflamed; he saw something shifted in Kay’s expression. _Scheiße, he must think I am such a loser._

Then Kay pointed to the game console in Lukas’s hand. “What have you got there? Nintendo Switch?”

“Yeah! You play?”

“I do. But I only have a Nintendo 3DS, so I can play in my car when I am bored.”

“I want that one too! So I can play the DS games, but Papa said I can only choose one.” Lukas pouted.

Kay chuckled. “Maybe if you have good grades at school, you can have both?” He briefly met Marc’s eyes. Marc made a non-committal snort. Maybe Kay had the same parenting philosophy as Marc.

They all quickly returned to the safer subject of the task force and Nina lamented how she was going to miss all the actions.

“Our little Charlotte will give you all the actions you need,” Sven announced to the room.

“Oh-hoo! Kay solved our problem!” Nina exclaimed.

Kay grinned with a mild puzzlement in his eyes; mission accomplished none the less. He said he still had work to do this afternoon and said congratulations to Nina and Sven again.

“And nice meeting you, Lukas.” He ruffled Lukas’ hair.

“We can play the Switch together on Papa’s big TV next time!” Lukas said excitedly. Always looking for a better gamer to play with than his old man.

Kay smiled but gave no answer; he looked at Marc one last time and left the room.

“Wow. First Marc, now this blond Adonis, you never told me you were surrounded by gorgeous men at work!” Sven said.

“Huh! That should keep you on your toes.” Nina teased him.

Marc torn his eyes away from Kay’s retreating back. He turned to Lukas, “Erm, let me get you some Erdnuss flips from the vending machine. Wait here for me, alright?” He left the room under Nina’s sympathetic gaze.

Marc caught up with Kay in the underground carpark of the hospital.

“Kay?”

Kay turned; he had just unlocked his car with the key fob.

Marc looked at the forest green coloured Honda SUV. “What happened to your Audi?”

Kay frowned. Like he didn’t understand why Marc would be interested in that. “I got rid of it,” he simply said.

They stood looking at each other in the half empty carpark, with distance ambulance siren blaring at the other end of the building.

“I forgot your son is 10 years old, he’s so big now,” Kay broke the silence; a pensive expression ghosted across his face. He wasn’t waiting for a response, like he’s simply expressing the passage of time.

10 years. The 10 years they have spent apart from each other.

“He is. I think he will grow up taller than me, “ Marc unglued his lips. Kay returned a weak smile. He made no attempt to get into his car yet. 

So many different emotions clashing inside of Marc at that moment, he couldn’t begin to untangle them. _Say something._ He told himself.

“Are you alright?”

Kay flinched at the question. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he answered too quickly, too defensively.

Marc’s heart lurched. _Because your ex-husband is a sociopath who hurt you?_ He tried to ignore the heavy lump of sadness sitting in the middle of his chest, suffocating him. Marc knew if he told Kay that he knew, Kay would run so far away he might never see him again.

So instead, Marc said quietly, “it’s so good to see you.”

Somehow that little truthful statement seemed to stir something in Kay. Marc watched Kay swallow a lump in his throat, his eyes searching. 

“Take care of yourself, Marc,” Kay said.

Then he got into his car.

******

Marc checked his watch. Almost 9pm. 

Marc remembered that time when he waited in Kay’s apartment to confront him, just after Kay was outed in the BePo unit during a drug raid at a gay club. He had sat on Kay’s sofa, eyes forward and dead set on the front door. Heart pounding, chest filled with dread, rage and unnamed jealousy. He couldn’t admit it to himself back then, but images of Kay making out with strangers were running through his mind in a film reel loop.

Tonight, he couldn’t get inside the apartment. All he had was the security code for the building, which luckily, they haven’t changed it, so Marc found himself waiting outside Kay’s door. He hoped Kay didn’t have late night surveillance work tonight.

**_“Go on! Hit me!”_ **

Young Kay’s voice, taunting him with defiance. Marc carefully stepped away from that part of the memory. Shaking and fists clenching tight; Marc had been ready to strike; he had thrashed Kay’s TV instead that night, but he could well have hit Kay. Did that make him any better than Daniel Hartmann?

Marc leaned again the wall, closed his eyes, trying to concentrate on the better part of that memory, when Kay told him he loved him...

He heard footsteps on the staircase and turned.

Kay was carrying a large camera bag and a backpack, looked like he just got off work. He took a step backward when he saw Marc.

“You shouldn’t give away your security code to strangers.” Marc lifted one shoulder; he attempted a tired smile.

Kay seemed to view it as a challenge. His lips quirked in a half sneer. “At least I didn’t give you a key this time,” he resorted, his tongue sharp and ready.

_Ouch._ But Marc wasn’t bothered by it. By now, he knew the aloofness and the cheekiness was all part of Kay’s self-preservation arsenal. He dished them out whenever he felt threatened. 

Like that night 10 years ago, Marc came to confront Kay; but unlike that night, this time Marc had no intention to threaten him.

“Can I talk to you?” he asked, softening his voice. Reminding himself why he’s here tonight.

Kay met his gaze levelly.

“Please.” Marc used the magic word.

Marc shook his head when Kay offered him a beer.

“Water is fine.” He hesitated, then said, “thought you quitted alcohol.”

“I keep some for Mats when he comes over,” Kay explained while he threw a bottle of water to Marc. “I don’t have a problem keeping alcohol in my house.”

Marc caught it with one hand. “I am not implying that. I know once you set your mind to do something, you don’t look back.” _I am the perfect example._ Marc thought.

Kay snorted at the double innuendo; he took a swallow from his bottle.

They stood in the opposite end of the living room in uncomfortable silence. Sipping their water. Kay glared at Marc and let out a long exhale, seemingly resigned. He took off his jacket and proceeded to put away his camera gear.

Marc watched him crouching down on the floor to slot the lens and tripods into secure space in a hard case padded with foam. Kay’s black t-shirt has ridden up as he bent and hunched forward, exposing a part of his small back. Under the spotlights in the living room, Marc noticed a scar on the left side of his waist. A small one, no longer than 2 inches, looked like a scar from a stab wound.

Marc looked away. He had to chew the inside of his mouth to keep from screaming. _Fucking hell._ He could kill Daniel with his bare hands right now. Closing his eyes, Marc worked to get his breathing even. Forget about Daniel for now, he came here with a plan, he needed to stick to it. 

He said to Kay’s back, keeping his voice neutral. “You said we are even now. But I don’t think so.”

Kay’s muscles tensed at Marc’s words; he closed the case unhurriedly and stood back up slowly. He turned to face Marc. “I don’t think you are in a position to demand anything,” said Kay, narrowing his eyes. With his defence strong and intact, Kay played offence. His eyes held Marc’s for a long, burning moment, his breathing shaky with emotion. “What do you want? You want to fuck again, is that it?” He curled his lips and said, “I am sorry to tell you that fuck-buddy is not really my scene.”

Marc winced internally at the crass suggestion. He knew it took a lot for Kay to say something so cruel, to use sex between them as ammunition; that he must have pressed the one button that hurt the most, has pushed Kay into a corner. 

“We are not even because you never gave me a say. You just decided on your own, cut me off completely. So yes, you’re damn right. I demand another chance.” They’ve been tiptoeing around each other for too long, back then and now. That night 10 years ago, Kay had shown him the first raw honesty; Marc knew now it’s his turn. He needed to push further, not retreating. 

Their eyes locked. Kay looked unamused, implacable. Marc licked his lips; he moved closer, so close he could see his own reflection in Kay’s eyes, but not touching even though he’s aching to. “And I am not going to wait. Not another 10 years, not another month, not even another week. “He met Kay’s steely gaze, and said slowly, “I love you.”

The words hung in the air between them.

Kay’s mouth worked for a second, then he looked away sharply. Marc has been watching him closely, so he didn’t miss the flash of astonishment on Kay’s face, before it closed off once again.

After what felt like an eternity, he heard Kay said, “don’t throw that word around if you don’t know what it means.”

It was that note of despair in his voice broke Marc’s calm confident façade. He reached for Kay’s face with both hands, holding him in place. Kay struggled but Marc held on. Not letting him go. Not again.

“The only thing I didn’t know was how much I love you,” Marc said. “In the Thai restaurant you said I was afraid. You were right. I was afraid. I was so close to throw away everything I knew, everything that defined me. And that scared me. You have no idea how much I wanted - to be with you. And how much it killed me to return that key to you.”

He didn’t wait for Kay’s reaction; he hooked Kay into his arms and pressed a tight kiss on the side of his head. Comforting, loving and caring, like kissing a child or someone precious.

Marc felt the slight tremor rippling through Kay under his hand, his throat made some funny noises. When they pulled back, Kay’s eyes were dry, but he looked disorientated, as if Marc’s words have shaken him profoundly.

Kay swallowed hard. “You did that when you knew how I felt about you.” Kay’s voice was low, barely audible.

**_“Don’t you get it? I love you.”_ **

Kay’s raw honesty from 10 years ago, letting himself to be out there, to be vulnerable. 

Marc traced the outline of Kay’s lips with his thumb, wanting to press against them with his own so badly, but knowing he had no right, not until Kay let him. He pressed his forehead against Kay’s burning cheek instead. “I hurt everyone around me. I lied and I cheated. But I lied the most to myself. I didn’t want to fall in love with you. I thought I could have you and keep you at arm’s length at the same time. I was the biggest fool.”

He got a mirthless smile from Kay for that admission.

Marc surged on, “talk is cheap. You don’t have to believe me; I am going to prove it to you. And I want that second chance. Now."


	16. Second Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay gives Marc a second chance  
> An incident at the nursing home

(Kay)

“If you throw me out again in the morning, I am going to put up a tent outside your apartment,” Marc murmured behind Kay’s ear, his sleepy voice croaked but playful, his breath tickling his skin, his hand on Kay’s stomach went slack in the next second as Marc fell asleep. 

He didn’t need to remind Marc that he hadn’t thrown him out last time because they were in Marc’s own apartment. Minor details. Of course, they’d end up in bed together. That’s what always happened when he’s alone with Marc Borgmann. 

Kay felt shivery, despite the summer duvet covering both of them. The tightness he felt in his chest was an antagonising mix of fear and excitement, Kay couldn’t decide which emotion was stronger. 

**_“I love you.”_ **

Marc loved him. 

Kay had pushed that possibility out of his mind for so long, it felt like a danger to reconsider it now. Old pain and new hope warring, having a field day in his fast thumping heart.

Marc asked for another chance and he gave it to him. 

Not unconditionally. Kay reminded himself, clinging onto that. He had agreed to spend time with Marc, to go out with Marc, to see... to see if there was a future for them somehow. 

After that morning when he left Marc’s apartment, he’s been working like a maniac, taking on more cases. At least he could still do his job, even when he was messed up emotionally; he has been dreading when the distraction stopped.

Kay could embellish it in any way he wanted, but the fact was he had let himself hope again. And if he was honest with himself, he had been ‘hoping’ since he met Marc again. And right now, he’s groping in the dark, he didn’t know what was waiting for him next. Happiness, heartache or disappointment? Like a stray dog who never learned his lesson, maybe he needed to be taught again. 

Marc wanted him. Kay understood that, has never doubted that. He could even tell himself that Marc was crazy about him, that if Kay just held on, Marc would eventually see that it’s not just great sex, it was something deeper, rarer, once in a life time kind of thing. It was love.

And now Marc was telling him exactly what Kay had wanted to hear...

He stared into the near darkness in his bedroom, could barely make out the shape of the picture frame on the wall. Another present from Daniel, it was a photograph of a building Kay has done a week of surveillance on. His first case after he joined Klaus’ P.I. company. Daniel had it developed into poster size, mounted it in an expensive frame.

It was the only extra item Kay had taken with him when he moved out of the house he lived with Daniel. This photo frame and the same gym bag he had carried with him when he moved in.

Daniel might have hurt him physically, but Kay knew he was no match to the damage Marc could do.

The warning hung in the still air, temporarily delayed and suspended, as sleep finally claimed him.

The ringtone sounded close by but unfamiliar.

Someone stirred behind him. Kay opened his eyes, suddenly remembering: Marc was here. He had Marc in his bed.

“Scheiße... es tut mir leid.” Marc mumbled an apology. A strong arm reached across in front of Kay. Marc answered his mobile. “Hey. What’s up?”

“It’s my day off. No, Bettina has him this weekend... yeah? Uh-huh.” Marc chuckled. 

Kay remained perfectly still. Eyes open, listening to one-side of the phone conversation. Marc’s voice was warm and pleasant. Definitely a friend at the other end.

“Serves you right.” More laughter. Then Marc’s fingers began to lazily draw circles on Kay’s lower back.

Kay moved away. 

There’s a slight hitch in Marc’s voice as his hand lost contact with Kay’s body. “Listen, I have to go. I’ll call y -“ he lowered his voice, “no... I am not. Shut up. I’ll call you later.” He hurried and hung up.

Marc put his mobile back on the nightstand; he raked his fingers through his hair. “Hey, I am sorry,” said Marc, trying to catch Kay’s eyes.

_What for?_ Kay almost asked. He didn’t know why it irked him to see Marc acting like they were a cohabiting couple sharing a lazy Sunday morning. But Kay hated it more when he found himself acting like a tetchy maiden. Petty and oversensitive. So, he shook his head, put on his best affable voice. “You got a phone call, there’s nothing to apologise for.”

Marc watched him. “That was Frank on the phone,” he said, still felt the need to explain. “I just got carried away. You know he talks a blue streak.”

No, Kay didn’t know. He hadn’t exactly been friends with Frank Richter, he hadn’t been friends with anyone from that unit. 

Marc took Kay’s hand and gently rubbed his thumb against the pulse on his wrist. “I am not taking any of this for granted... just waking up with you...” Marc had a faint smile on his face. “This alone makes me happy.”

The shy smile and his nervous energy disarmed Kay. Before he would overthink again, Kay pressed his lips against Marc’s.

Their tongues mingled softly. Gently, unhurriedly. Kay felt his fears and loneliness falling away. He could feel the smile in Marc’s mouth as he rubbed his stubble gently. Marc liked his stubble, obsessed with it even. Kay remembered this well. He turned his face and allowed the roughness of his jawline graze against Marc’s soft cheeks. Marc moaned and reached down to pull at Kay’s boxer-briefs. Before he took hold of Kay’s cock, he pulled away just enough to meet Kay’s eyes. “May I?”

_Right. The new Marc, asking for a second chance and permission._

Kay covered Marc’s hand there with his own and whispered, “I want to take a shower.”

No RSVP required. Marc followed him to the en-suite bathroom. 

The few years of luxury living with Daniel hasn’t spoiled Kay, he was never into interior design or other finer things in life. But Kay decided to rent this apartment when he saw this rainforest showerhead, a smaller version of the one he used in the house with Daniel. 

The hot rush of water rained down on them, as they lathered their bodies. First on their own, then Marc smiled and pulled Kay closer for a wet and sloppy kiss and started soaping his hair, tracing soapsuds along his body. Kay fought the nagging warning at the back of his head. _Later, later._ He thought. Didn’t want it to stop. He returned a hard kiss, his body humming with desire.

Marc looked happy, bashful, water droplets logged at the tip of his long lashes, grinning like he was the luckiest guy in the world. His hands never stopped stroking and touching Kay’s body, fingertips gliding along the slippery skin. He walked Kay back a step and against the tiled wall. Then he knelt before Kay and took him in his mouth.

He was engulfed by the velvety roughness of Marc’s tongue and the warmth of his mouth. Kay couldn’t help it; he thrust once, harder than he meant to. Marc answered by sucking harder, faster. Head against the wall, Kay closed his eyes, blindly reaching for Marc’s ears, his hair under the cascade of water. He grunted and began to thrust, holding Marc’s head, fucking his mouth unrelentingly.

Marc didn’t do this often back then. Only a few times during that short affair they had 10 years ago, and Marc was always a little bit distant, a little bit freaked out afterwards. So, Kay hadn’t pushed him, had resignedly believed that it was an act ‘too gay’, ‘too unmanly’, ‘too much’ for Marc.

He wondered how much Marc has changed. Has he done it many times with his other ‘boyfriends’? Kay briefly considered that. He looked down and saw his own cock coming in and out of Marc’s mouth, so intimate, so sweet and intense. Marc alternated between lapping and sucking, like he couldn’t get enough, like he wanted to devour Kay whole.

Kay felt the fireballs in his stomach, his balls drew tight, his legs turned weak; he slacked and bent forward. “Fuck... oh fuck... oh god... “ Still holding Marc’s shoulders, he shouted and shot straight into Marc’s mouth.

Kay pulled Marc up to his feet and flipped their position, so that Marc was leaning against the wall. They shared a wet, semen filled kiss. It was obscene and beautiful. Salty and Sweet. Kay reached between Marc’s legs and grabbed his sex; it was already hard and ready to go. He expertly pulled the length, applying delicious pressure, his thumb rubbing and playing with the head, using all the tricks he knew, secretly hoping he’s outperforming all the ‘boyfriends’ Marc had had.

“Oh Kay... argh... Jesus...” Marc groaned. Words of blasphemy and passion in one cry. Marc came powerfully in his hands after a few strokes. He bent his head on Kay’s shoulders, exhaling, breathing hard like he has run a marathon. 

“Scheiße... I don’t know how I’ve lived without that for 10 years.” Marc was smiling at him like a fool. Maybe they both were.

Sex was the easy part. It was the rest Kay wanted from Marc that had caused the problem. Marc said he would prove it to him. Kay had no idea what he meant by that and had even less confidence of its prospect. He gave in because he was greedy, still couldn’t say no, when Marc came knocking.

_Maybe Daniel is right, I am a pothead who never knows when to quit._

Marc washed them off with enough love and care to keep Kay’s maudlin thoughts at bay.

They navigated the couple-like domesticity with surprising ease. Marc worked the coffee machine when Kay sliced rye bread and made toast. They focused on their tasks and talked little, almost like they were roommates. 

Until Marc wrapped his arms around Kay’s waist from behind when he’s buttering the toast. He smelled like Kay’s shampoo and soap. 

“What’s your plan for this afternoon?”

Disappointment was clear on his face when Kay told him he needed to be at some place in the afternoon. 

“You are not working on Sunday, are you?”

Kay shook his head. When Marc was still looking at him, he said, “I am going to see Mats’ father. He’s the one who brought me into his P.I. company and trained me.”

Marc pulled back a little. “I didn’t know you work for your father-in-... I mean Mats’ father.” He sounded shocked.

Kay shrugged. “I do. Klaus doesn’t work anymore but the company is still his.”

“Right.” Marc hesitated. His stare locked on the kitchen counter; obviously desperate to ask more questions, but not wanting to pry, in case Kay pushed back.

Kay tried to remember if Marc had ever been so interested in knowing him. And the answer was no. Marc liked to compartmentalise his life: he had never asked Kay about his family, had never talked about their future. That total lack of curiosity for Kay’s past and future should have been a warning sign, but Kay had ignored it. 

And now Marc seemed to want to know everything.

“Klaus is kind of a father figure to me.” Kay found himself volunteering the details.

“Oh yeah?” Marc looked up. “I remember you said your boss taught you everything, how to spot lies and surveillance techniques.”

“Yeah, that’s Klaus. He’s a good teacher.”

_A good person. Patient and loving and funny. Everything my own father isn’t._

That led to another problem they needed to talk about. 

“Hey.” Kay touched Marc’s hand on the kitchen counter. “Yeah?” Marc turned his hand clasped their fingers together.

Kay licked his lips, staring at their clasped hands. “I want to take this slowly,” he grinned to himself, remembering they just had sex twice in the last 12 hours. When it came to Marc, his actions were always contradictory. Sobering up, he said, “I don’t want everybody to know about us.”

Marc was quiet. But he didn’t take away his hand. “You mean you don’t want Daniel to know.” He sounded dejected. Disappointed. Hurt.

But it had to be this way. 

“I will tell Daniel. But before I do that, it’s better if fewer people know, that includes Mats.”

Kay saw the muscle on Marc’s jaw moved, his lips pressed tightly together. He’s not happy about that. That was to be expected. But there was something else on his face. Anger? Jealousy? 

For a brief second, Kay wondered if Marc knew… No, no, he couldn’t. Mats would never tell him and he’s the only person who knew...

Kay met Marc’s eyes, waiting for his answer.

After a few fraught seconds, Marc nodded stiffly. 

“Whatever it takes. Whatever I need to do,” he told Kay.

******

Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. 

Kay knew that the second he entered the reception area of the nursing home. Everyone looked frantic, nervous. They were making phone calls, staff rushing from one place to another. No one was greeting him when he signed the visitor’s logbook. 

Two security guards ran past him in the hallway.

He rushed to Klaus’ room. His heart jumped to his throat when he found it empty. “Lisa, what’s wrong?” Kay grabbed one of the nurses he knew.

Lisa actually looked relieved to see Kay. “Oh my god, you’re here! We’ve been trying to get hold of Mr Hartmann’s son. Mats? But he’s not answering his phone! Both of his numbers have no answers. We’ve called the police - “

“What happened? Did something happen to Klaus?”

Lisa nodded, her nose and eyes were all red. “Klaus is missing. We can’t find him. He and two other patients.”

_Fuck!_ Kay’s mind raced. _How did it happen?_ This nursing home was specialised in care for dementia patients, all the staff were highly trained, and they had security measures and protocols for everything. Mats and Kay had researched a lot before they picked this one. 

“What - how - “ Kay released his hand on Lisa’s arm. There was no point asking that question. “You said you’ve called the police? Are they searching for him now?”

“They are coming.”

“When did it happen?”

Lisa’s eyes darted around, she answered meekly, “we found out during the 3pm medicine round, Klaus had his lunch around 12:30pm, so any time... any time in between 12:30 to 3... we don’t really know.” She looked up haplessly.

_Fuck!_ That was an hour ago and it meant Klaus could have been missing for more than 3 hours.

“We’ve searched everywhere, the garden, the carpark... we’ve asked the houses around us. We called the police 10 minutes ago.”

Their standard protocol for missing patient.

Klaus was supposed to be on a wheelchair. But Kay knew he hated that thing and would rather risk falling down when no one was watching. Now he’s worried sick that Klaus might be lying on the street somewhere after a fall, disoriented, confused and scared. Might even have hurt himself.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ He needed to calm down. And call Mats.

Kay ran out to his car. Hands on the steering wheel, he took a few deep breaths. Blind panic was no use to Klaus. Kay tried to remember what the police procedure would be in cases like this and began to strategise. The police would likely set out a 1 mile’s radius to search. Average person’s walking speed was 3 miles an hour, Klaus was frail and relying on a walking stick, he couldn’t do more than half a mile an hour, so he wouldn’t be far. Unless he got into a taxi...

Kay began to drive around the neighbourhood. He used the hand-free phone to call Mats on his mobile, then Sonja’s. Both went straight to voicemail. No reception? He tried his home number. No answer. 

_Fuck._ That was so unlike Mats and Sonja. The only explanation was that they were in some area with bad mobile reception. His hands started to become clammy, Kay ordered his brain to concentrate.

_Do it. Call him._ His brain told him. _You have to, it’s your obligation. It’s for Klaus._

Kay called Daniel.

By the time Kay returned to the nursing home after half an hour of futile search in his car, he was sick with worry and close to tears. He kept thinking if only he had come earlier today. Take Klaus out for a walk after lunch like he had promised last week, instead of delaying his departure to play house with Marc. 

It almost felt to Kay, as he watched Daniel getting out of his BMW, that the past 24 hours had all taken place in his imagination. That Marc hadn’t come to his place asking for a second chance, that they hadn’t slept together in the same bed; hadn’t made love and had breakfast like some married couple.

“Kay!” Daniel ran to him.

“They still can’t find him.” Kay got up from the chair in the reception area, he leaned against the hospital-green wall, afraid his legs couldn’t support him.

Daniel grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into his arms. “It’s OK. We will find him. I promise.”

Kay allowed the embrace and the comforting words; he exhaled slowly into the hollow of Daniel’s neck. _Scheiße, I am losing it._

It’s irrational, of course, but Daniel always has a way to reassure Kay when it comes to problem solving. A man of means and intelligence, Daniel always knew what to do, what course of action needed to be taken when presented with a problem. It was the kind of thing that had drawn Kay to Daniel in the first place, his easy confidence, the way he handled things.

“What are we going to do? I’ve searched all the possible places he might go. I even called the Italian restaurant he used to go when he was a cop.” The last two weeks, Klaus spent a lot of time thinking he’s still a cop.

Daniel’s hand on Kay’s back was firm and soothing, his mouth close to Kay’s ear, he said, “take me to his room, Schatz. I want to check something.”

Kay didn’t even mind the stupid endearment, he led Daniel to Klaus’ room. The wheelchair was still in the room, that’s why they knew Klaus had left on foot. No other clothes has been taken either. According to the nurse last saw him, Klaus was wearing a grey sweatshirt and a pair of brown corduroy trousers. At least it’s not winter yet, Kay thought. Dementia patients often forget to put on enough clothes.

Daniel checked the bottom drawer of the nightstand and took out a rectangular thing. Looked like a wi-fi router, but Kay knew it’s not. It must be some newer technology.

“Great. It’s still here.” Daniel put it on the coffee table in the room and pulled Kay down to the two-seater sofa next to him.

“What is it?”

“It’s a tracker. Well, it’s kind of the mothership of the tracker,” said Daniel, he pushed a few buttons on it and some lights came on. Then he took out his laptop and connected the device to it with a USB cable.

“Tracker? You can track Klaus?” Kay leaned closer to the laptop.

“It depends.” Daniel’s brow furrowed, concentrating on his task on hand. “I don’t trust the backward security system they have here, so I installed a tracker in Papa’s watch. It will send out signal if he’s wearing it, but only covers a 2-mile radius. It’s not the best, but what I have to make do with the only watch he’s willing to wear.”

Kay knew which watch Daniel meant. He checked the room; the watch was not there. 

_Please. Please. Please._

“There!” Daniel exclaimed, pointing to a flashing light on this computer while zooming it in. “He’s not far... where is this place?”

Kay stood up. “I know where he is.”

Mats and Sonja got there two hours later. 

The director of the nursing home has apologised over and over. First to the furious Daniel, then to Mats, who was just returning from a camping trip with his family.

Klaus had wandered over to a boathouse, which was part of a large family villa, only two streets away from the nursing home. The family wasn’t there. When they checked with the house-sitter earlier, she didn’t even know three men had been sitting inside the boathouse, playing cards.

Kay remembered Klaus talk about that boathouse, how one of his friends from the nursing home said they could easily get into it from a path near the lake. Like three naughty teenagers.

Klaus was a little bit dehydrated, but otherwise, he’s fine physically. Today, he didn’t recognise Mats and Daniel; and thought Kay was his pal, Fritz, from old police unit again. 

“Yes, Fritz here. Why are you playing cards without me?” Kay jokingly scolded Klaus, then he gave him a tight hug. Only then could he finally relax.

He looked up and saw Mats talking to Daniel by the door. Mats was still a bit shaken; Daniel turned and smiled at him.

Kay walked toward them.

“Thank you. You saved the day,” he told Daniel.

Daniel did a playful mock curtsy. “Well, he’s my father too,” he quipped. His arm reached out to wrap around Kay’s shoulders and quickly kissed him without a shred of hesitation. “And you are my husband, so you’re welcome.”

Mats looked warily at Daniel. “Daniel, don’t,” he warned.

Daniel raised both eyebrows and glared at his brother. Kay could feel a different Daniel slowly arriving. When brilliance slid into conceit.

Kay slid out of Daniel’s hold; relieved that Daniel didn’t persist but could feel his eyes on him. “I should go. Klaus is tired, they want to give him a bath and let him have an early night,” he told Mats.

“Thanks Kay, you are a godsend. I will call you tomorrow.” Mats nodded.

Ignoring Mats, Daniel followed Kay out of the building. They walked side by side and silently to Kay’s car. Daniel hovered for a few more moments, then he walked around to the driver’s side and placed a soft kiss on Kay’s forehead. “We can be good together. You know we can. If you just give me another chance.”

Kay watched him closely. There was a glimpse of the Daniel he knew at the beginning. The brilliant genius who gave him a new life, who was crazily in love with him, or so it had seemed. But Kay knew the other side of Daniel all too well. It’s a second chance that he could not give.

Kay shook his head. “We can’t, Daniel. I am sorry.”

Then he got into his car, not taking the risk of seeing Daniel’s changing expression. Hurt or fury. Kay could never be sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a bumpy ride, this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it.  
> And thank you for reading :)


	17. The Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Kay have a pillow talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am posting this update in a bit of a rush because I have real life stuff to do! Ugh.  
> So please excuse all the possible typos and mistakes (I will probably keep amending it later... )  
> Thank you for reading! Have a lovely weekend.

(Marc)

“Hey, where are you?”

“I am hiding behind a recycling bin in Potsdamer Platz.”

Marc nearly spewed his tea. “What?”

“Shh... I can’t talk loudly. What’s up?”

“Are you going to be hiding there for long?”

“Another 15 minutes or so if the secretary wheels out their office rubbish on time,” Kay whispered.

Marc couldn’t stop grinning, imagining Kay crouching behind some giant dumpster, with rubber gloves ready, like some covert operation. “Want to have dinner together tonight? I know a good Vietnamese place nearby.”

No response. Marc waited. He knew Kay wasn’t doing it to hurt him, that long delay before giving Marc an answer every time he asked him out. Sometimes the answer was no, but lately, more often it was a hesitant yes, Marc reminded himself. Not to mention, all those ‘no, I can’t today’ answers he had given Kay before...

“But we already had dinner together two nights ago...”

_So what? I know we both want to see each other, so why can’t we see each other every day?_ Marc swallowed that gut reaction. He hated that Kay felt the need to ‘ration’ spending time with him, the need to keep a ‘safe’ distance from Marc.

“That’s a really good restaurant and I know you like Vietnamese soft shell crabs,” said Marc instead, keeping his voice light and friendly. He had never had so many Asian meals in his life than the last 3 weeks; not usually Marc’s choice, but he wanted to indulge Kay in any way he could.

After another two seconds. “Will you let me go back to watching that dumpster if I say yes?” Kay asked.

“I would help you sort out the rubbish if you want.”

Kay snorted. But Marc could hear the smile in his voice, he said, “I will text you the restaurant address. See you there in an hour?”

Kay walked into the restaurant in a pair of black jeans and a tight black t-shirt. He scanned the dimly lit restaurant with a small frown on his face, then broke into a beautiful smile when he spotted Marc.

Marc drank in that smile. Every niggle, every discomfort, everything he has been asked to endure was worth it if he’s at the receiving end of this smile. 

“This place is a like a night club.” Kay chuckled and sat down opposite him.

“Funky Berlin style.”

Kay took in the red lanterns and the straw cooli hats decoration on the walls. “Do you like Berlin?” he suddenly asked.

Marc met his eyes. _Why does it sound like a loaded question?_

“I do,” he said simply, before expanding his answer, “it took a little adjustment when I first transferred here. But I like it. The people, the culture, my job.”

Kay nodded. “I like the freedom the most. No judgement. No one looks at you twice no matter what you wear, who you are with. You can be whoever you want to be.” There was a faint smile on his face. “Though when I first got here, I spent half of the time drunk or high as a kite.”

_Before of me._ But Marc knew another apology was useless. “But you got out of that,” he said.

Kay shrugged. “I am 34 years old, it’s about time I clean up and let go of old mistakes.”

This, Marc had to answer. He reached across the table and took Kay’s hand. For a split second, he was afraid Kay would pull away, but he didn’t, just looking at their hands there. “I am not a mistake. I promise you that,” Marc said solemnly. 

The word promise sounded empty and lacking in Marc’s own ears. But he had to at least say it out loud, then back it up with actions. “I know it will take time... for you to trust me again - “

“What makes you think I trusted you before?” Kay asked. His eyes looked to a spot behind Marc, like he’s thinking of a distant past. “If anything, I think I trusted myself too much. Maybe a bit too full of myself.”

“But I like that about you,” Marc blurted. “You always know who you are, and you are not afraid to be who you are. Do you know how hard that is?”

Kay’s face looked soft and pliable under the red hue cast by the red lanterns. Kay didn’t answer, but the barely noticeable upturn of his lips told Marc he has scored points. Kay opened the menu and asked, “so you say they have good soft-shell crabs here?”

Marc smiled. “And meatballs,” he said, having read reviews and recommendations online before.

They ordered and while waiting for their food to arrive, Marc updated Kay about Luca Podolski’s case. The intermediate court proceedings have started, and they were confident that it would go to final proceedings. But their main objective was to use it to catch higher rank gang members.

“Podolski is a mid-level player, so are the two arrested together with him,” Marc said.

Kay always seemed agreeable when they talked about work, he said animatedly, “too bad we don’t’ have plea deals like in the US! Otherwise, they could offer him a sweet deal to give up his bosses.”

“If he co-operates, he can get a lenient sentence from the judge, but yeah, it doesn’t work that way here. Mats is mainly hoping to find whatever evidence Podolski might have against his bosses from our search.”

Kay nodded. “Makes sense. He’s not likely to give up his gang bosses, if he wants to live. He would rather do time.”

“You and Mats both watched too much Sopranos,” Marc rolled his eyes.

“I am serious!” Kay grinned, his eyes twinkling. “I’ve worked some gang-related cases with law firms. Believe me, they made witnesses and defendants disappear all the time. I was hired to locate a few before. One time I had to chase a witness through the entire train station.”

“God help that witness; he didn’t know you run like an Olympic 5000m champion.”

Kay smirked. “Guess I still got it.”

Probably for the first time since they met again, they were totally relaxed around each other, talking and teasing. Marc felt something blooming in his chest - that old feeling returned. The one that has eluded him since Kay had left him 10 years ago. That oxygen filled happiness - unbound and liberated.

They held each other’s gaze for a second. Smiling.

The food arrived. Marc watched Kay skilfully holding his chopsticks, inspecting the meatballs with great interest, laughing when Marc picked out the chillies around the soft-shell crabs. Marc dumped all of it onto Kay’s plate. 

“Do you still run regularly?” Marc asked.

Kay looked up; he finished chewing and said, “not as often as I want to. But yeah, I still run. Tiergarten is not too bad if you know where to avoid the crowd.”

“Maybe we can go running together some time, we used to have fun doing that,” Marc suggested carefully. He remembered the rejection clearly from that painful morning when he last suggested it. He understood it’s an activity that was ingrained in their relationship. It’s what started their friendship, how they connected, where they went to escape from prying eyes; even after they broke up, Marc could not run and not think of Kay.

Kay was quiet again; he concentrated on his food for a while before he wiped his mouth with a napkin and said, “there wasn’t much fun by the end, don’t you remember?”

Marc remembered. Those strained, silent runs on deserted trail in the Ludwigsburg forest, when Marc had been plotting to pull away from Kay; waiting for himself to get over wanting Kay so much; he wondered what had been going through Kay’s mind during those last days. Was he holding out hope that Marc would face up to the truth?

“I’ve always enjoyed running with you, even when I was scared,” he smiled without mirth. “Even when I was an asshole.”

Kay’s lips curled, he didn’t seem to disagree with that assessment, but he wasn’t rubbing it in. “At least I’ve made you a better runner,” said Kay.

“Top of the class.”

Kay snorted, shaking his head. Just like that, the tension was broken. “Sure, maybe we can go running when we have the same day off next time,” he finally said.

_Tiny steps._ Marc returned a smile.

They split the bill and left the restaurant with a full stomach.

Marc followed Kay to where he has parked his car and helped him put away the equipment. He waggled his eyebrows, pointing to the two black rubbish bags already in the car boot.

“Don’t say a word.” Kay gave him a tired smile.

Marc had been waiting for the right time to ask; he stepped closer, rubbing the back of his neck. “I am wondering if I can spend the night at your place.”

Kay looked like he was expecting this; he exhaled a long sigh, from exhaustion, not annoyance, Marc hoped. He looked tired. Marc knew Kay were working two cases simultaneously; he wondered why he worked so much these days, like he didn’t want to have any idle time.

“I’m beat. I think I will have an early night,” said Kay, raking his fingers through his hair.

Luckily, Marc already had an answer for that, he brushed Kay’s left cheek softly. “We can have an early night together. You know sex isn’t the only thing I am looking for when we spend time together.”

Marc meant the last part as a joke, but he was ashamed to see the doubt in Kay’s eyes. Had he really been that bad? That Kay thought Marc had only met up with him for sex? “Scheiße, Kay... you know it isn’t just sex for me, right? It never was.”

“Do I?” Kay gave a humourless laugh. He looked down and away. “The fact is I don’t know what to think. Back then I thought I knew... then after all these years, it’s easier, safer for me to think that it was all just sex to you.” He lifted a dispirited shoulder, eyes still downcast. “That it was all one-sided from me and I should just move on.”

So much of Marc’s past actions had been driven by his own fear and denial, he hadn’t understood how it must have seemed to Kay. He had wanted it to be just about sex, he had made sure Kay got the message. 

And just because now he told Kay he loved him... “Scheiße... the fuck up thing is even back then, I wanted to spend every minute with you. I want to be with you, I want to wake up with you.”

Marc dropped his head on Kay’s shoulder, feeling the enormity of the task in front of him. _I messed up things between us so badly before, I have so much ground to make up for._

He felt Kay’s hand resting on his head, fingers carding through his hair, like he’s comforting a child.

“Alright. Let’s go back to my place,” Kay said.

“Do you want me to come up a few minutes after you?” Marc asked as the car approaching the street of Kay’s building.

Marc hated he had to ask, hatred they had to hide from Daniel Hartmann’s hired gun.

Kay shook his head. “Daniel’s P.I. is gone.”

“Are you sure?” Marc was surprised.

“He hasn’t been there for a few days now.”

“Maybe he’s following you in a different car, a different location, your office?” It seemed too good to be true to Marc.

Kay glanced at him briefly, said indignantly, “I’d know when I’m being followed. No one is stalking me since Monday.”

Instead of feeling relieved, Marc had an unease sensation in his stomach.

“I think Daniel might start to accept that it’s over between us,” Kay said neutrally.

“Has he signed the papers?”

“No, but... “ Kay sighed. He put his car in park and turned to Marc, “he just needs more time.”

_He had a whole fucking year._ Marc swallowed what he wanted to say. 

The apartment felt cool and cluttered. Files and open reference books covering all the surface space on the dining table and coffee table, looked like Kay has been working even after he got home. 

“I need to take a shower, I’ve been around rubbish all day.” Kay took off his t-shirt; he pressed a light kiss on his lips and went into his bathroom.

Knowing his way around now, Marc went into the bedroom. He undressed down to his boxer-briefs and began to turn down the lights, closing blinds, fluffing the duvet, all the while listening to the faint sounds of water splashing. Routines he’s done hundreds of times before with Bettina, with Brigitte. Trivial and mindless before; but with Kay, it’s soothing, significant. Tasks he would look forward to. Every night. If Kay would give him the chance.

He could see steam still coming out from the shower stall when he went to the bathroom, the shape of Kay’s inviting body visible through the frosted glass door. Marc’s cock jumped. He chuckled quietly to himself. Knowing he would have to behave if he really wanted to prove to Kay that it wasn’t all about sex. 

Marc found the toothbrush he used last time inside a ceramic white cup, together with Kay’s own toothbrush. All unpleasant thoughts about Daniel fell away. _I am the one sharing a bathroom with Kay, sleeping in the same bed with him._

The cotton bedsheets felt cool and soft, Marc lay down in bed with one arm behind his head. There’s no other place he’d rather be.

Kay looked more alert after the shower, he slid under the duvet in a pair of black boxer-briefs, his hair combed back and wet. He turned to face Marc, a shy smile on his face.

Marc gently brushed back a stray strand of hair on Kay’s face, they shared a minty breath kiss, their feet playing a little footsie under the duvet. Then Kay sniggered and pulled away.

“Don’t tempt me. I am wiped.”

“I am not trying anything,” Marc pleaded innocent, laughed too.

Kay turned around and lay on his side. That seemed to be his favourite sleeping position. Marc spooned behind him, arms around Kay’s waist. The freshly washed hair tickling his nostrils, he could feel Kay’s shoulders relaxing, a contented sigh escaped from his lips.

Warm bodies on cool sheets, they lay together quietly. Marc thought Kay was sleeping until Kay said in a low voice, “I slept with a lot of men when I first got to Berlin.”

Marc’s heart lurched. He pressed a kiss on Kay’s shoulder. 

“Took a lot of drugs and went home with different men two or three times a week.”

Marc couldn’t make himself speak, so he just held Kay tighter.

“That’s how I met Daniel. He was one of my one-night-stands,” Kay sighed. “Then I got into some trouble with the law and Daniel helped me out. Well, Mats did. But... yeah, after that, we started to date.”

Marc interlaced his fingers with Kay’s on his stomach, hoping to offer some form of comfort, knowing Kay wanted him to understand. 

“I loved Daniel. But not in the way I loved you,” Kay paused. Though his voice was calm and unaffected, like he’s telling someone else’s story, Marc could feel a slight tremor run through his body when he said, “I don’t think I could ever love another person the way I loved you.”

Marc gulped before a quiet sob escaped; he kissed the back of Kay’s neck. “I’ve never loved anyone else the way I loved you. Love you. And it’s the god honest truth.”

Kay answered with a squeeze of their hands. 

Their confessions seemed to have drained the last bit of energy from both of them as they lay in the dark with only the sounds of their breathing. After 10 minutes or maybe more, Marc lost track of time, he heard the gentle snore from Kay before sleep claimed him too.

Marc turned off the water for a second and listened. He could identify his mobile’s unique ringtone ringing outside.

_Scheiße, someone is persistent._ He worried it might be from work. With Nina on maternity leave and his work on the task force winding down, Marc had promised his own boss Captain Berger that he would be on call for emergencies.

“Kay?”

“Yeah?” He heard Kay walking into the bedroom.

“Can you answer my phone?”

Marc quickly finished his washing his hair and rinsed off. When he woke up this morning, Kay was already making coffee and breakfast in the kitchen.

He grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. Kay was in the bedroom, typing something on his phone.

“Hey morning. Who was that?”

Kay looked up. “It’s Lukas. He wanted to know when you are picking him up tomorrow. I told him you’ll call him back.” There’s a funny expression his face. 

Marc walked up to him, trying to decipher Kay’s mood. “Thanks. I promised to take him for a bike ride around the Berlin Wall, want to teach him a bit of history the fun way.”

Kay nodded, still not looking at Marc.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kay answered, too quickly. Then he added, “he asked if I am having a sleep-over with you.” He had a small smile on his face.

Marc laughed. He kissed Kay on the lips. “My son has the deduction skills of a true detective.”

“You don’t mind?” Kay frowned.

“No way! I want him to meet you -“ Marc paused. “I mean, if you want to.”

Kay watched him closely. 

Marc put his hands on Kay’s shoulders, licking his lips, he said, “I know I agreed to keep this low profile, but I really want my son to get to know you.”

“He mentioned someone named Philip is buying him a Nintendo 3DS, so he wants me to recommend top three DS games to him,” Kay said. The faint smile still on his face.

Lukas seemed to be better at disarming Kay than his old man. 

“Is that what you were texting?”

Kay shrugged.

Marc pulled him into his arms. His heart full, he could feel something breaking loose inside of him. Something sweet. Something hopeful.


	18. Unrestrained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc has a conversation with Bettina  
> Kay spends the weekend with Lukas and Marc  
> Kay runs into trouble at the care home
> 
> This chapter has both Marc and Kay's POV, as indicated by ( ) on top

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter than I expected! Hope you will enjoy it.  
> Again - posting in a rush (why do we have day job???), so please excuse all mistakes.  
> *explicit content alert*
> 
> German words:  
> “Schön war’s": it was nice/wonderful/beautiful
> 
> And as always - thank you for reading.

(Marc)

Philip stood awkwardly next to Marc in the living room. 

“They shouldn’t be long, Lili had tennis and Lukas had football practice this morning. Bettina called earlier, said there was an accident on A39, cars backed up all the way to inner-city, they just got caught up in that,” Philip explained.

“I know, I saw it on my way here from the opposite lane, they closed all three lanes and were diverting cars. I will have to take the small roads route back if they don’t reopen by then.”

Philip nodded and said, “please sit down.” Then thankfully, he turned on the TV and they both pretended to turn their attention to the news on TV.

Marc thought Philip was a nice guy, a bit timid, but he’s friendly and fair with Lukas which was all Marc cared about. But he’s always a little bit awkward around Marc, especially if they were alone. Sometimes he wondered what Bettina had told Philip about him, maybe the ‘my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with a guy’ was a bit too much for buttoned-down Philip.

He glanced at Philip, who sat rigidly on the other side of the L-shape sofa. Marc had the sudden urge to jokingly tell Philip to relax, that he’s totally not his type. _Besides, I have the hottest boyfriend waiting for me at home._

Marc had to suppress a silly grin forming on his face. Remembering Kay’s sleeping form in his bed this morning, a sight Marc got to see few times a week now. And this week, he had shamelessly exploited Kay’s soft spot for Lukas to get Kay to spend the weekend with them.

The sound of lock turning barely registered in Marc’s brain when he saw Lukas charging into the living room, shouting, “Papa! Let’s go. We are late!”

“Lukas! Your football boots!” Bettina chased behind him. Behind her was Lili in a pretty tennis dress.

Marc caught his son with both arms, laughing. “Slow down. We have time. Have you packed?”

Lukas nodded enthusiastically. “Kay said he has a robot to show me, come on!”

Marc snuck a glance at Bettina, but she wasn’t even looking at him. Simply shaking her head at Lukas. “Take off your boots before you go upstairs. Actually, you should take a shower first - “

“It’s OK, he can take one at my place,” Marc offered.

Bettina reluctantly agreed. Lukas ran upstairs like a rocket. 

Marc wanted to get onto the road as soon as possible, to get back to Kay. He quickly said goodbye and told them he would wait in his car for Lukas. He was stowing the overnight backpack in his car boot when he realised Bettina has followed him outside. He gave her a curious glance.

She wanted something. Marc could immediately tell.

“Lukas says you have a new boyfriend named Kay and when I asked if he’s blond, he said yes.” Bettina scoffed, like she thought it was very funny.

Marc stared at her. It’s sooner that he expected but he knew it’s only a matter of time people from his past would find out. He wanted them to know. He reminded himself.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, Kay and I are back together.”

There was a two-second delay before realisation hit her. Her mouth formed a small o before she pressed her lips together. The expression on Bettina’s face was indescribable, a mix of surprise, irritation and maybe even a little bit of anger.

“Kay Engel. You are back with Kay Engel.” The doubt in her voice was clear.

Marc gave a tight nod, meeting her gaze. 

She turned to her side as if checking anyone else was hearing this. Like she didn’t trust her own ears. Marc shifted his legs, putting his hand on the door handle. He didn’t have to time to explain to Bettina and frankly, it wasn’t any of her business. Then she regained her composure; she studied Marc’s face with a peculiar look and said, “I guess that’s what you’ve been waiting for all these years.”

Marc was sure Bettina no longer loved him, but that didn’t mean she would be happy to hear that Marc would get a happy ending with the person she regarded as responsible for their break-up. Living better than her cheating ex, that has always been one of her life mantras. Marc hadn’t cared one way or the other, whatever she needed to get past the hurt. But he would not deny Kay in front of anyone. Not anymore.

“It’s still early days, but yeah, I ...” he trailed off, no need to twist the knife, he was sure Bettina knew what he was going to say.

“But you’re letting him spend time with Lukas... how long have you been back together?” She frowned. Looking alarmed suddenly, as if Marc were going behind her back again.

“We are serious.” That was all Marc wanted to say and all Bettina needed to know. Whatever she still felt about their past, he wouldn’t allow that to affect Kay or Lukas.

She snorted. “Of course you are,” she said, her expression void of emotion, her tone mocking.

Marc hasn’t seen her like this for years now, Kay was clearly still persona-non-grata to her. He was so close to rebuke her with something unpleasant, but Lukas was running towards them.

“I am ready!”

Bettina’s face went soft in an instant. “Don’t play video games all day long, okay?”

“I won’t!” Lukas climbed onto the passenger seat and waved goodbye.

Marc dropped a quick “see you Sunday evening” and drove off, leaving whatever disapproval on Bettina’s face behind.

******

“Can I control it with my iPad?”

“No, this one is voice command only, you have to speak clearly to it,” Kay was telling Lukas, then he spoke in a louder voice, “Aki, pick up the blue sock.”

The semi tank-like robot moved swiftly and picked the blue sock on the floor with its clamp claw.

Lukas squealed. “This is so cool! Papa, look! Aki picked up your dirty sock.”

“My socks are not dirty.” Marc drawled, sharing a smile with Kay.

Lukas went ahead to throw a few more things on the floor and ordered Aki to pick them up, one by one, except for a cup coaster.

“Ugh. What’s wrong?”

Kay picked up the coaster and waved it in front of the robot and said in a clear voice again, “coaster. Coaster,” before he put it down. “Aki can learn new things if you show them to him through here,” he explained to Lukas and pointed to a sensor on the robot. “And then tell Aki what it’s called two times, so he will know next time.”

“Cool! Like AI?”

“Exactly!” Kay said.

“What else can it do? Can it fight?”

Kay sat down crossed legs on the floor with Lukas and shook his head. “Aki was designed to help disabled people do things at home, mostly to pick up things. He can open cans and monitor when bad people try to come into their house.”

Marc knew if someone took a snap photo of him at this moment, they would find him smiling with foolish grin. The pot-smoking, anarchist Kay Engel had patience for kids, who would have thought? That train of thought led to another uncomfortable thought: did Kay and Daniel want to have children? In Berlin, Marc has seen a lot of gay couples adopting kids or have biological ones through different means... to form a family with Kay, to live in Berlin with Kay and Lukas together, that would be something. Just skimming the possibility of that dream caused butterflies in Marc’s stomach.

Lukas held Aki the robot onto his chest. “A robot to catch bad guys! That’s so cool. I want to show it to Noah. Can I take it home, Kay?”

“Lukas, don’t be greedy. You can play with it when you’re here,” Marc tried to use a sterner voice.

“But Noah is my best friend.”

“You can take Aki home this week, but you have to bring it back here next time because your Papa has a lot of dirty socks, okay?” Kay said in a playful hushed voice.

Lukas giggled and nodded.

“How do you know so much about robots?” Marc asked Kay when they finally had a quiet minute together in the kitchen, preparing lunch.

Kay laughed. “Daniel -“ he stopped abruptly and went back to washing the greens for the salad instead. After a few seconds, he finally continued, “his last start-up was a consumer robot project, I used to take some of the functional prototypes to the office for my colleagues to try.” He shrugged.

_How do you deal with your boyfriend’s ex-husband who seems to be everywhere?_ Marc knew he was being unfair. Daniel had Kay for 6 years. 6 years! The number flashing in his mind like an annoying shiny billboard. He had less than 6 months with Kay 10 years ago...

“Did you ever think about having kids? I mean when you were...” Marc couldn’t make himself say the word married or Daniel’s name.

Kay’s brow furrowed. “Never really thought about it. I never thought I would have a family of my own, so the question of having children never crossed my mind. Daniel sponsors underprivileged gay teens internships, but personally he thinks kids are too much work.” He divided the salad onto three plates on the counter, then his pale blue eyes met Marc’s. “Even back then, I was only dreaming of us running away to have a new life together, I didn’t think of what it would do to your son. The selfish bastard that I was...” he gave a self-deprecating shrug.

“No, it’s not true.” Marc said firmly. He threw a quick glance at Lukas, who was still engrossed between the robot and his iPad, no doubt texting and bragging to Noah. He squeezed Kay’s shoulder and whispered, “I was the selfish one, I wanted to have everything, please everyone.” Neither him nor Kay was too keen on PDA in front of Lukas, but at that moment, Marc didn’t care; he kissed the side of Kay’s head. “No reason why we can’t now though, right? To be a family.”

Kay lifted his lashes and looked at him. His expression unreadable.

_Too quick?_ Marc was starting to second-guess before Kay put his hand on top of his. The touch made Marc’s’ chest tight. Light-headed.

“Kay! Papa! Look what I’ve taught Aki to do!” Lukas was shouting over from the living room.

Marc smiled, his finger lingering on Kay’s golden stubble, “Your name first. Looks like you’re his favourite adult now.”

******

(Kay)

The doorbell ring followed by two consecutive knocks was a familiar sound now. 

He hasn’t given Marc a key and not likely to in the near future; he’s not a superstitious man, but key and Marc, Kay didn’t want to tempt fate if he could help it. He opened the door.

“Hey. Sergeant Borgmann,” Kay greeted him, leaning by the door frame.

Marc gave him a tired smile before he grabbed the back of Kay’s head and pressed their mouths together. He smelled like rain and gas station curry-wurst sauce. Marc pulled away a little. “Hey, handsome, waiting for me?”

It’s already 10:20 at night. Marc had just made a 4-hour round-trip between Berlin and Wolfsburg, to take Lukas home and return to Kay’s apartment. He had told Marc that if it got too late, he didn’t have to come tonight. But Marc had replied, “I will never turn down the chance to sleep with you. I’ll be there. I miss you.”

They had barely been apart for 24 hours. Kay had gone home last night after spending a day with Lukas and Marc; he didn’t think it would be a good idea to sleep in the same bed with Marc while Lukas was there. Kay was hardly a prude, but that would still be a big step, for both of them. Plus, he didn’t want Marc to get into trouble with Bettina, whatever their relationship is now.

“You do this 4-hour round-trip every time you see Lukas?” Kay knew it must be tiring.

Marc shrugged. “Philip has relatives in Berlin, once in a while they would come over. But yeah, I am used to it and I don’t mind.” He walked Kay back into the bedroom. “Especially if I have something to look forward to when I get back.”

“One track mind,” Kay quipped.

Marc laughed, not denying it. He pressed his mouth close to Kay’s ear, “I’ve been thinking about you non-stop on my way here.”

Kay had heard this before. Marc used to whisper something like this over the phone when they set to meet up, in the woods or straight to Kay’s apartment. That had been as close to verbally showing affection as Kay could get from Marc.

“Let me wash the gas station dirt off first,” Marc said it like a promise and took off his T-shirt as he went into the en-suite bathroom.

Kay stood listening to the shower running. The fight against the little doubt at the back of his mind was short and painless, Kay enjoyed the time he spent with Lukas and Marc, not wanting to fully acknowledge what that meant yet, but he felt he was allowed to enjoy the domesticity comfort. 

He was spitting toothpaste foam to the bathroom sink when he felt two strong arms around his waist. He looked into the misted mirror but couldn’t see Marc. 

Then he felt it.

“Ohh...” Kay gasped. The toothbrush plopped into the sink as he grabbed the countertop with both hands for support.

Marc was kneeling behind him, his hands palming both of Kay’s ass cheeks, kneading them before he pulled down his boxer-briefs. The cool air was quickly replaced by Marc’s warm mouth. He was kissing them, licking the soft skin, biting and then soothing them again. Kay moaned softly and pushed back, letting his ass cheeks brushed against Marc’s 5’o clock stubble, didn’t care how obscene he looked; he gripped the bathroom countertop tighter as his legs went jelly-like.

“Marc...” Kay whined as he felt Marc’s mouth pulled away, feeling the loss already. His complaint was short-lived as he felt Marc’s warm hands pulling his ass cheeks apart. Before he knew what was happening, something wet and hot was licking his hole, lapping and sticking its pointy tip into...

“Oh fuck... Marc... oh fuck...” Kay’s hands blindly reached back, trying to touch any part of Marc, only to get pushed forward by Marc’s powerful grips on his hips. His stomach rest against the countertop, Kay bent forward, his ass sticking out, giving up control, giving Marc full access.

Marc’s tongue continued its assault, dipping in and out and licking the ring around it. The sound of Marc’s heavy groans behind only heightened the sensation. Kay squeezed his eyes shut as intense pleasure ran through his whole body like an electric current, humming and crackling. He reached down; his cock already hard without even a single touch on it. Kay began to pull its length, faster and faster, feeling the erotic sensation of drops of Marc’s saliva sliding down his inner thighs. Kay whimpered, cried and came into his own hand. 

Bending over the sink, his body still shaking from the aftershock, Kay hazily acknowledged the fact that Marc had never done this. Not with Kay. Elation, ecstasy mixed with jealousy of some nameless boyfriend who had shared this intimacy with Marc before him. 

Kay felt Marc stood up from behind and covered his body on top of his for a moment, head rolling and kissing against Kay’s shoulder blade. Marc’s cock rock hard and poking between Kay’s thighs. He turned his head, looking at Marc’s lips, wet and shiny, the hottest things Kay has ever seen.

“How did I do?” Marc asked with a shy grin.

“Schön war’s.” Kay used the long-ago praise from that happy memory in the rain.

Marc broke into a beautiful smile. Kay’s jealousy eased a notch. Maybe he was still Marc’s first...

“Do you want to take care of it here?” Kay smirked, eyes looking down at Marc’s cock.

Marc laughed, kissed him hard. “Let’s go to bed. I want to fuck you into the mattress.”

In the next minute, Kay was lying on his stomach in bed. Marc kicked the duvet to the floor roughly; his hands holding Kay’s hips, pinning him down but not using real force. Kay remembered this side of Marc, have always loved this ‘let go’ moment of his. When Kay has pushed and teased him to the limit and Marc just flipped, shifted gear, took charge.

Kay let out a pleasurable sigh as Marc’s warm hand ran along his spine, down to his lower back, his butt.

“C’mon...” Kay groaned impatiently.

“Coming,” Marc answered with smile in his voice. Kay heard him reaching over and rummaging the nightstand drawer. He came back with condom and lube.

Kay stared at the red pouch with the condom inside. He swallowed and made the decision at that moment. “We don’t need the condom... unless you are still on that online - “

Marc kissed him hard on the mouth. “No way. Just you. I am not seeing anyone else.” Deep down, Kay knew this, but it’s still good to hear it.

“Me neither...” Kay returned.

Marc threw away the packet. Still slick from Marc’s spit inside, they didn’t need much lube. Marc put some on his cock, his breathing already heavy, like he could go in the next second. Hovering over Kay with his elbows on the mattress for support and began to push.

Kay gently breathed out, raised his legs a little bit, meeting Marc.

“Feels so good to be inside you,” Marc groaned, his hands back on Kay’s back, touching and rubbing. He gave a harder push, pain and pleasure sliced through Kay’s senses.

“Oh Marc...” Kay muttered as pleasurable ripples shot through him. “Don’t stop. Fuck... harder.”

The coaxing words drove Marc; he twisted his hips and slammed Kay hard, pushing both of them forward in bed. Kay rubbed his forehead against the pillow, muzzling a moan, spreading his legs as wide as he could, toes curling, body shuddering. Marc responded by lifting him off the pillow and thrusting deeper and unyieldingly. Kay could hear his own heartbeat mingled with Marc’s grunts and moans. 

Kay felt his heart ready to explode, hands grabbing tightly on the bedsheets as Marc kept his words, pounding him into the mattress. Sweats and water sliding between their intertwined bodies. 

“Want to look at you when I come,” Marc mumbled and rolled him face up again. Kay wrapped his legs around Marc, he rose up and looped his arms around Marc’s neck, sitting on Marc’s cock, feeling the pulse vibrating through his body, as Marc continued to pump into him. Kay squeezed his sphincter muscle and like a magic button, Marc gasped and bit onto his shoulder. “Jesus... fuck... Kay...” Reducing Marc to incoherence. “Fuck...” Marc shouted and crushed their mouths together in a bruising kiss. Marc’s body buckled, shuddered; he came unrestrained with Kay’s name on his lips.

Kay fell back down onto the mattress and took Marc with him.

“Jesus...” Marc heaved a euphoric sigh of pleasure, his body languishing on top of Kay’s, his weight a sign of comfort and safety to Kay. He brushed Marc’s hair with his fingers, wondering if he has ever felt so close to anyone.

“I’d gladly make 4-hour round trips every day if this is how you greet me,” Marc said. 

******

“What do you mean? I just saw him last week.” Kay frowned.

“It means you are not on the approved list. We have tightened our security lately. If you are not on the list, you will have to be accompanied by a member of the family or a direct invitation from Mr Hartmann.”

“A direct invitation -“ Kay looked at the new administrative nurse and wanted to scream. The nurse simply shrugged, not trying to be helpful at all.

Kay ignored the new nurse and looked around the reception area. After a few minutes, he spotted Lisa. 

“Lisa!”

“Hey Kay! Klaus was asking for you this morning.”

“He did?” Kay’s heart leaped, even more anxious to see him now, he didn’t want to miss talking to Klaus when he’s lucid. He said urgently to Lisa, “listen, I think there was a mix up, the new nurse there says I am not on the list. Can you check again for me?”

“Really?”

Lisa went into the reception station and began to logon to the system. Kay went from hopeful to suspicious when he saw Lisa’s eyebrows knotted up, staring at the monitor. 

“What?” Kay asked her.

Lisa’s cheeks turned pink. She said in a hushed voice, “after the missing incident, the care home director wants to have more family members we can contact... it appears that we’ve added Daniel Hartmann as co-guardian for Klaus. And after that, your name was taken off the approved list of visitors... at Mr Daniel Hartmann’s instruction...”

Kay didn’t know why this came as such a shock to him. He should have known Daniel would pull a stunt like this, he knew his ruthless streak, when he wanted to exert power over someone. Especially those who had gone against him.

But still. Klaus?

Kay squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He knew why, because Daniel knew this would hurt him the most. And he also knew it wouldn’t last, because all Kay needed to do was to get Mats to reinstate him. That means, Daniel was simply doing it to spite Kay, to humiliate him, even just for a day.

He said thanks to Lisa and walked out of the care home. Mats had called him earlier, he would be here shortly, they were supposed to see Klaus together today.

Kay sat down on a bench by the side of the street to wait, itching for a cigarette, but resisted. Klaus always gave him a lecture if he smelled cigarette on him - no matter what year he was in; Kay smiled at the memories, despite the persistent worry. The only way he could fight against Daniel was through Mats, and Kay didn’t want to make it even worse for Mats. Daniel is his brother, no matter what. Even though he knew Mats would always choose to do the right thing, it’s not fair for Kay to ask him to choose...

“Kay? What’s up. Why aren’t you inside?” Mats materialised in front of him. Everyone was on high alert after that last incident.

Kay stood up, rubbing his hands on his jeans. “Don’t worry. Klaus is fine.” He looked at Mats, it’s like being taken back in time and he was the pothead with 20 Ecstasy tablets in his pocket. “Daniel has taken me off the approved list,” he decided to just say it.

Mats stopped on his track. He looked to the left, eyes closed and exhaled a long sigh. Kay thought he was going to make an angry phone call to shout at Daniel right away, but instead, Mats pulled Kay into a hug. “Scheiße, I am sorry. Daniel sometimes... fuck.” He couldn’t even finish the sentence.

Kay simply nodded.

“Come on, I’ll sort it out. I’ll make sure they know you are on the family list. Same as me. Let’s go in.”

“I’ve always known if you’re an American, you’d have become bounty hunter instead of P.I.” Klaus laughed. The three of them were reminiscing an old federal case where Kay had to track down a material witness, but instead found the defendant living with the said witness.

Klaus was having a rare good day today. He recognised both Mats and Kay, even though it’s a couple of years off; he was alert, warm and funny.

“Yeah, I suppose I could be a successful bounty hunter over there,” Kay sniggered. Before Mats launched into one of his speeches about the commercialisation of the criminal justice system in US.

Kay and Klaus shared an eye-rolling moment. 

“How’s Daniel? Is he working all days and nights again? Thought he stopped that after getting a handsome boyfriend,” Klaus patted Kay’s hand on the handle of his wheelchair.

Mats jumped in, “he’s been in San Francisco for the last two weeks. Dining with some venture capitalists.” He glanced at Kay meaningfully, so he knew it wasn’t just a white lie to placate his father. That’s really where Daniel has been.

That might explain why he called off the P.I. on Kay and hasn’t been showing up unannounced. 

After the little stunt today, Kay didn’t know what Daniel was thinking. Was he just lashing out one last time with this childlike stunt? Maybe he has finally lost interest? Kay was tired of it, he wanted to live freely, not watching over his shoulder, changing passwords every other week; he wanted to date Marc openly, freely; tell everyone that he’s happy. 

When Lisa took Klaus away for his medicine round, Kay and Mats stayed in the garden. Mats still seemed a little troubled by what Daniel has done. 

_Might as well tell Mats about the other thing._ Kay thought. After that weekend with Lukas, for the first time in a long time, Kay felt he has found his footing.

“Actually, there’s something else I want to tell you,” he began, catching Mats’ attention. “I am getting back with Marc.”

Mats didn’t speak for a few moments, his eyes set on the lake in the distance. “I assumed something like that. I am glad you told me.” He turned back to Kay. “I don’t know the history between you two, but even I could tell he still has strong feelings for you. Marc is a great guy. Like I said, Sonja and I are happy for you.”

Then Mats’ eyes grew soft, his expression a cross between tender and mournful. “It’s Daniel’s own fault that he lost you.” He slid an arm around Kay’s shoulder. “And you’ll always be our family.”


	19. The Unspoken Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc has a revealing conversation with Mats  
> Frank has an idea  
> An evening with unexpected turn of events
> 
> This chapter has both Marc and Kay's POV, as indicated by ( )

(Marc)

“Here’s Mats.” Nina bumped his shoulder. They both stood up.

Mats Hartmann in a dark blue suit and mac coat was walking towards them, his hair has turned a shade greyer as the task force progressed. Marc understood the pressure he has been under, but he never let that pass down to his team, always full of encouragement, making tough and swift decisions, never take credit away from his team. A true leader. 

“Marc. Nina, thank you for taking time from your maternity leave,” Mats nodded to both of them.

“I heard someone’s buying lunch.”

Mats chuckled. “You heard right. Good work, by the way. I know the prosecutors are happy with your testimony.”

“So, we got them?” Nina asked.

“Tomorrow Podolski’s lawyer will present their arguments, then the judge will make a decision whether to pass it onto final proceedings, hopefully in less than a week. It’s looking good. And we have two more indictments following.” Mats walked out of the courthouse with them.

Marc mentioned he had another older case he needed to give evidence in the afternoon when Mats suggested to have lunch together. “Come on, my treat. I have to go back to the courthouse to liaise with the prosecutors as well.”

They sat down in an Italian restaurant not too far from the courthouse. Marc was grateful for a return to pizza. He thought of the Thai red curry Kay made last night, Marc had no idea how Kay was able to turn strange foreign ingredients like lemongrass, Thai chillies into something sexy, just sitting across the dining table from Kay was arousing, their bare feet playing footsie under the table. Now just the scent of Thai curry could evoke erotic images in Marc’s mind. 

Or that time when Kay called him a ‘pussy’ because Marc asked him to use a milder form of chillies.

Marc was still mulling over the happy memory when Nina sidled over and whispered in his ear, “you do know you have a silly grin on your face all day?”

“What?” Marc pulled away, hoping his cheeks haven’t turned red.

“You’re so obvious, who is it?” Nina said. Then she widened her eyes. “Oh -“ She covered her mouth, and Marc knew whose name she was going to say. 

“Nina!” he hissed, sparing a glance at Mats Hartmann who was ordering for everyone. 

Nina pouted. She picked up her phone and started typing. Marc’s phone vibrated.

>>Blondie. I KNEW IT<<

Marc reluctantly typed >>yes, but pls shut up<<

Nina’s reply arrived before he even put down his mobile. >>details. later<<

Marc put his mobile back in his jacket.

“Everything’s alright?” Mats looked at them, sounding amused. The trial proceedings must be going well.

“Everything’s perfect. How’s Kay, by the way? Does he need to testify?” Nina asked.

Marc wanted to strangle her.

Even though he looked taken aback by the question, Mats answered in his usual professional flair. “No, we don’t usually involve consultants in the trials, unless they are the primary source of information.” But once business was over, his gaze shifted to Marc. “Kay is doing well though. That much I know.” Mats said pleasantly; he gave a Marc a pat on his shoulder.

Marc quietly sucked in a peremptory breath. Kay had told Mats. He was certain. And Mats... _is this his way of giving his blessing?_ It’s strange to think of Kay seeking anyone’s blessing over anything, but Marc knew Kay saw Mats as family.

Nina looked between the two of them and grumbled, “I feel like I am being kept out of an all boys’ club.”

Marc hardly registered her complaint, his mind focused only on one question.

_And if Mats knows... does Daniel?_

Marc’s boss Berger has told him that Mats Hartmann was likely to be promoted to Superintendent (Polizeirat) within the year, if the task force went smoothly. And that a lot of people were tipping him to be the future head of Federal Police in Berlin. Mats was gracious and humble about it when Marc mentioned it. 

“What about you? Are you taking the Lieutenant exam, that’s your next step, right?” he asked Marc while they walked back to the courthouse after lunch.

“Wouldn’t that be too soon? I just made Sergeant earlier this year.”

“No harm to be prepared. If your Chief Inspector recommends you, you should definitely try it. The task force experience will give you a lift.”

“Berger said the same thing about the task force. Yeah... maybe,” Marc said.

“If you ever need another recommendation...” Mats’ mobile started ringing. He frowned as he glanced at the caller ID. “Excuse me.”

The only word Marc heard before Mats turned and walked a few steps away was, “Daniel?”

Marc watched Mats. From that distance, he couldn’t hear anything, but he could tell they were arguing. Mats’ expression went from grimace to frustration; he was rubbing between his eyebrows with his fingers, like he’s nursing a headache.

Mats ended the call with a shake of his head.

They were both quiet when Mats returned. Daniel seemed to have wiped out Mats’ good mood with one phone call. Some brother.

Before they reached the courthouse, Marc asked quietly, “he is still not signing the divorce papers, is he?”

No need to say his name.

Mats shook his head, his eyes troubled. “In his own fucked up way, Daniel still loves Kay.”

_He loves him so much that he had to beat him up, that kind of love?_ Marc clenched his fist, tried to school his face into a blank mask, knowing he failed miserably.

Mats sighed, “it’s unhealthy. They can’t be together. Eventually Daniel will have to see that.”

Unhealthy didn’t cover it.

“Is Kay safe?” Marc had to ask.

Mats looked up. He studied Marc, gauging him. This was the first time Marc saw Mats-the-detective in action, like he was trying to work out how much Marc knew. 

Marc was doing the same thing.

They looked at each other like two people carrying the same unspoken secret.

Mats knew; Marc thought bleakly. Or he had some idea what his brother has done. Marc felt a renewed anger. A storm whipped up inside his chest, threatening to break out and wreak havoc. For all the fairness, leadership and moral compass Mats possessed, blood was still thicker. He knew and he still let his brother get away with it.

“Kay is safe. I’ll make sure of that,” Mats said.

******

There’s no stopping now. Frank called him the following week.

“I was about to tell you,” Marc floundered, of course he wanted to tell Frank, but first Kay didn’t want people to know, so Marc kept his promise. Then Bettina found out because you couldn’t keep a 10-year-old from mouthing off to his mother. At least Kay seemed less guarded now and it went a long way that he had told Mats Hartmann. Marc knew that was significant. It meant Kay thought they have a chance.

“Not to mention, you lied to me.” Frank sounded like he lost a bet. “You said Kay wasn’t interested.”

“Where did you hear it? Bettina told you?”

Until now Marc hadn’t realised how small Ludwigsburg really was. 

“Claudia told me. They’ve been chatting about you on the FB group.”

_Christ. Bunch of gossiping cops._ Marc closed his eyes. Frank was referring to the Facebook group from their old BePo unit, former members and wives included. Luckily, he never had appetite for social media interaction. “It’s still early days. Kay isn’t 100% sure.”

“You mean you are on probation?” Frank had the audacity to snicker. 

Probation. Observation. Guilty until proven otherwise. 

“I am serious,” Marc sighed. _We’ve through a lot; Kay has been through a lot._ “I can’t mess this up,” he told Frank.

The weariness in his tone finally shut Frank up. Marc felt the tense silence on the other end of the line. Frank and he were not friends who understand each other or think alike; but they were friends who have each other’s back. Frank had once considered Kay as a trouble-maker, that Marc was better off getting back with Bettina, but once he realised Marc wasn’t going to do that, he has helped Marc to navigate his new life; had stood by him.

“Why don’t you come to my birthday party with Kay next month? For my big 4-0?” Frank suddenly suggested.

“Frank, what did I just say - “

“No, hear me out,” Frank talked over him. “What is Kay’s main doubt about you? That he was a secret you had on the side, right? That you broke up with him the second you thought you’d get found out? That you were ashamed to be seen with him, right...”

“I wasn’t ashamed of him.” Marc protested. _I was ashamed of myself. Jesus, having my past ‘crimes’ read out by Frank sounds 10 times worse. How could Kay ever forgive me?_

“Ok, so maybe not the last point. But my point is: what better way to show him you are proud to be with him, in front of everyone? What better way to wipe out the past mistakes than taking him to my party where he’s very welcome? Considering how he must have felt about the last one...”

That stopped Marc cold. He didn’t want to revisit the memory of himself asking Kay to leave his house. 

The idea sounded risky; he knew Kay had zero interest to go back to Ludwigsburg; but Marc couldn’t deny what Frank said had a point. 

Maybe they had to face their past demons, bury them before they could move on. Together.

******

(Kay)

“What are you thinking?” Marc murmured behind him, his mouth continued to kiss Kay’s neck, his jawline.

“You didn’t use to like taking shower with me,” said Kay, frowning into the bathroom mirror. There were a lot of things Marc didn’t use to do, but Kay distinctively remembered how Marc would always stand as far away from Kay as possible in the shower room at work. No banter, no eye contact.

The kissing stopped. Marc moved his hands to Kay’s shoulders, looking at him in the mirror, he had a shy grin on his face. “I was afraid once I start doing that, I’d be thinking about you in the shower at work too, with what little self-control I had...”

Kay’s body stilled under Marc’s hands; he should have thought of that. For a lot of young gay men in the closet, shower room was a terrifying place, but for Kay, it was no different from other setting. Only assholes like Limpinski would think that gay men are checking them out during shower. 

Marc kissed his shoulder blade. “Do you feel uncomfortable when we talk about the past? I know I ...”

Kay shook his head. Then suddenly he turned and started tickling Marc’s sides. “Is that what you were afraid of? That you would have a boner in the shower?” He continued to tickle Marc’s armpits

Marc shrieked and jumped away. “Kay Engel, stop!” When Kay didn’t, Marc pushed him out of the bathroom. They chased around the bedroom, then fell and rolled on the plush rug together, making threats and laughing. Marc started taking his revenge, he caught Kay around his waist with one arm and use a heel hook to lock Kay in. 

“Say you’re sorry,” Marc demanded with smile in his voice.

“Is that all you got?” Kay laughed.

“I always beat you in jiu jitsu, don’t you remember?” Marc tightened his leg lock.

“Uh-huh. And then you couldn’t run 100 meters without throwing up.”

“I ran just fine!”

“At least you didn’t get a boner when you ran... oh, I guess you did.” Kay sniggered, remembering that first hand job in the forest. And then a lot of things they’ve done in the forest... He’s been doing that a lot lately - thinking about their past. For the first time in many years, Kay was able to look back on these memories without feeling the throbbing pain and sting in his heart. Marc and he had shared a lot of good memories. Sweet memories. Sometimes Kay mourned the passing of his youthful stubborn self; the Kay Engel who would chase his dream at any cost.

Marc seemed to be thinking of the past too. He released his heel lock and turned to lie on his side, looking at Kay. His eyes have gone all soft and nostalgic all of a sudden.

Kay raised his eyebrow. “What?”

Marc reached out his hand to touch his face. “How do you feel about going to Ludwigsburg with me?”

Out of everything Kay thought Marc might ask of him, going to Ludwigsburg wasn’t one of them. Sure, Marc’s parents still lived there. If they were to continue their relationship - if they were going to have a life together at some point - Kay would eventually have to face them again. But that was a lot of ‘ifs’ and Kay wasn’t sure if he’s at that stage yet.

“You mean to visit your parents?” He tried to keep his voice even.

“My parents and Frank? He’s going to have his big 40th birthday party and I want you to come with me,” said Marc. “Frank invited you.”

Frank Richter. Kay remembered Frank’s annoyed expression when Limpinski harassed him in the canteen; Frank thought both Kay and Limpinski were troublemakers. Not taking side, don’t ask, don’t tell, that was Frank Richter’s idea of fairness. Kay had known then and there he wouldn’t get any support from his unit leader. 

But Frank was also one of the few who didn’t bat an eye when Kay was outed, which back then, had seemed like a godsend. He’s also Marc’s best friend and looked like he still is.

“Why would he want me to go to his birthday party?” Kay asked irritably. He knew he was being childish. 

“Because he’s my best friend and he should know how important you are to me.” Marc said solemnly.

Being important to Marc Borgmann. That’s an idea Kay was still getting used to. 

Kay had no desire to meet any of those assholes who had made his life miserable, who were part of the toxic environment that made Marc behaved the way he did.

Except. They were still part of Marc’s life. They were Marc’s parents, his friends. Marc cared about them. If Kay knew anything in life, it’s that only people you love can truly hurt you.

“When is the party?”

“Next month. On the 10th.”

Three weeks away. “Can I think about it?” Kay conceded.

Marc kissed him, his thumb gently rubbing Kay’s cheek. “That’s all I ask.”

Kay nodded. Problem saved for another day, temporarily delayed. He rose from the rug, pulling the towel from underneath Marc, it got all tangled up during their playful jiu jitsu practice. “Look what you’ve done,” he chuckled. But Marc was quiet. He was looking at something else, at the small scar on the left side of Kay’s waist.

Marc’s fingers grazed over it. The small scar had an ugly bump, with a darker colour than its surrounding skin. It was an old scar; Kay got a small inflection from it and it never healed properly. 

Marc’s brows furrowed. “Where did this come from?” His voice sounded... shaky.

Kay scoffed. It was an embarrassing story. Or funny, depending on Kay’s mood.

“You wouldn’t believe it, but some kid stabbed me with a retractable cutter. I was following his father and I didn’t even notice his murderous 8-year-old got hold of a lethal stationery behind me,” Kay said. One of his first tailing assignments. One Kay had learned his lesson from - beware of sharp objects and over-zealous kids. And don’t forget to get tetanus jab periodically.

Marc didn’t laugh. In fact, he’s looking even more troubled now.

“What’s wrong?” Kay asked curiously.

Marc looked away. Kay saw his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, like he’s swallowing hard. “What’s wrong?” Kay asked again, carefully.

Marc shook his head; he said slowly, “I don’t want you to think you have to lie to me.”

“What lie -“ Kay stopped. He stared at Marc’s downcast eyes and in that instant, Kay saw the truth.

He stood up abruptly, wrapping the towel around his waist again. A cold dread began to slowly spread through him. He looked back at Marc, struggled to get the words out; he didn’t want to; he was afraid to ask. “What lie do you think I am telling you?” He finished his question.

Marc reluctantly got up as well, but he didn’t answer.

Kay could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. “What do you think caused this scar? Tell me,” he asked. His tone ice-cold like glaciers.

Marc finally looked up and faced Kay, eye to eye, his face a picture of pain and his voice full of suppressed rage. “I know what the bastard did to you.” 

Kay felt that statement physically, like a strike on his body. Heart beating so fast now he felt he couldn’t get enough oxygen. His chest rose and fell, he took a big gulp of air and let out a shuddery breath. “What do you mean you know? What do you think you know?”

“Kay... it’s ok. I know and I...” Marc reached out his hand to touch his face.

Kay recoiled; he fought the urge to push Marc away. “You don’t know anything!” he shouted. His eyes blurred and misted up, liquid swimming inside. He clenched his fists, fingernails digging into skin on his palms. The pain felt like a release, he pressed harder, craving the release, the pain.

_No, no, no, no, no._ Kay could only hear his own voice repeating the word in his head. _No, not Marc. Not Marc. He can’t know._ It was all too much and all too fast. How did their evening suddenly turn into this? Kay was overwhelmed; he felt blindsided. Not just the realisation that Marc knew; but what’s written on Marc’s face - that sympathetic gaze, that dealing with hurt animal carefulness, the distress, the pain - all because Kay was a coward, a useless addict who stayed with someone who felt the need to beat some sense into him.

No, not Marc, too. He could barely stand Mats’ sympathy, but at least Mats wasn’t someone who owned Kay’s heart, wasn’t someone Kay wanted to spend his life with.

This whole time. Marc knew. 

Kay’s whole body screamed: Fight or flight.

The choice was easy. He grabbed his jeans and T-shirt on the back of the chair and began putting them on, so fast he knew he’s wearing the t-shirt back to front, but he didn’t care. He quickly patted the jeans pocket and knew his car key and wallet were in it; he walked to the living room.

Marc, wearing nothing but his towel, blocked his way. “Kay, stop. No... Kay... please.”

Kay pushed past him and ran straight to the front door. He could hear Marc cursing to himself, struggling to get dressed. Kay pulled the door wide open, as the stuffy air in the corridor hit him, he flew down the stairs. Not looking back. When he hit flat surface again, he could hear footsteps and Marc shouting his name in the distance.

Kay ran out onto the street, into the night, at full speed. Hoping he could outrun his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the "Eventual Happy Ending" tag 😬😬


	20. When the Past Comes Knocking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay takes a walk down memory lane  
> Marc has a new partner and Bettina calls
> 
> This chapter has both Kay and Marc's POV, as indicated by ( )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and have a lovely week ahead.

(Kay)

“Hey, what can I get you?”

Kay lifted his head up from his arms on the bar counter and squinted. He knew this bartender. Reddish brown hair with a choker neck tattoo. Stefan. That’s his name. Kay used to go to this bar in Friedrichshain a lot, his old neighbourhood; before Daniel air lifted him out of the open-air party central and relocated them to the comfortable and posh Charlottenburg. 

Hell, he probably had slept with Stefan at some point.

His life before Daniel. After Marc Borgmann - the first time. Kay let out a bitter chuckle. His life was a joke. Going from a man who didn’t give a shit about him to a man who wanted to own him, to control him.

That’s why he should have stuck with the Stefans of the world. No strings attached. It’s safe and easy. Stefan wouldn’t remind him he’s a fickle pothead; Stefan wouldn’t look at him with sad eyes; Stefan wouldn’t feel sorry for him; because Stefan wouldn’t fucking know him well enough, he wouldn’t know that Kay didn’t deserve to be loved. Not after what he had allowed Daniel to do to him; or what Marc had done, the first time.

_I am the problem. Always has been. In the rehab, they said so. I was the one who let bad things happen to me._ Kay thought. _I don’t deserve a second chance at happiness._

Stefan was still waiting for his answer.

Kay swallowed. He wanted that hazy oblivion so badly he could feel the craving in every fibre of his being. Whisky sour. He wanted to say. His go-to choice of poison.

Stefan cocked his head to the side. “You’re Kay, right? Thought you’ve moved out of Berlin.”

“Moved to Charlottenburg,” Kay answered without inflection.

Stefan visibly winced. “Why would you do that to yourself? That’s like a different city.” he joked.

Kay grinned joylessly. “You know. Marriage.”

Stefan laughed. He studied Kay for a moment before he took out a bottle of tonic water, poured its content into a tumbler with crushed ice, then he stirred in something from a tea pot and finishing it with a lemon slice and some mint leaves.

“Chamomile and cardamom pods tea & tonic,” he slid it across to Kay. “On the house.”

“I don’t want a girly drink.” Kay stared at the cloudy drink.

“It’s not a girly drink. It’s a bartender drink. And trust me, you’d like it better tomorrow than the Whisky sour, which I remember always fucks you up by the end of the night.” Stefan moved away to serve other customers after offering his expert advice.

Kay remembered Stefan better now. He was one of those bartenders who would start watering down your drinks at his own discretion, maybe he even knew Kay had been to rehab. He took a sip of the drink. The cardamom gave him a little kick for his taste buds, intense and spicy. 

He felt the vibration of his mobile in his jeans pocket for the 10th time, having muted it an hour ago. He knew Marc would be worried, probably looking for him. Guilt ate at him, but he couldn’t find the energy to do anything about it. What could he do? Send Marc a text and say, ‘don’t waste your time on me’? 

What was he thinking getting back with Marc when he was still struggling with what happened with Daniel? He should have stuck with the original plan: just work and the occasional fucks. The hard-earned solitude he had after separating from Daniel had been snug and safe; it had given him a false sense of security. He felt fine, in control. That’s what getting out of addiction was about, a sense of being in charge of one’s life, not depending on some substance. Or certain someone.

But it was all a mirage. He has been presenting a false image, like wearing a protective mask, in front of Marc. Feeling secure in the knowledge that Marc didn’t know how messed up he was, what a coward he really was.

Kay left some money under the tumbler and left the bar. He walked around his old neighbourhood aimlessly. He thought back on those painful months after he left Ludwigsburg; how he had spent hours here every night, to numb his pain.

Few hours and nearly half a pack of cigarettes later, he ended up in the riverside area, leaning against a dirty graffiti wall, watching clubbers going in and out of the various clubs around there. A couple of guys asked him for a light and tried to chat him up, but Kay ignored them. Under clear eyes and a sober brain, this area looked different. The people, the clubs, the music seemed less hedonistic, more desperate. Desperate to have a good time, to be happy, to forget. 

Kay knew he didn’t belong here anymore.

His mobile vibrated in his jeans pocket again. At some point during the night, it had stopped vibrating, the calls and text messages had stopped. Kay figured Marc has given up, probably finally figured out Kay was a lost cause.

He took out his mobile. It was a reminder notification he set for himself a week ago: Buy Halloren Kugeln chocolate. Klaus has been asking for this old chocolate brand lately and Kay promised to bring him some next time.

Kay stubbed out his cigarette and began to walk back.

The building was dead quiet and chilly. Kay checked his watch. 5:30am.

Kay shivered. Only then did he notice he had left Marc’s apartment without his jacket. His t-shirt still worn back to front. He walked up the stairs, mindful of the sounds of his footsteps echoing around the empty walls. He didn’t bother to press the light switch for the lobby, he could find his way home in the dark.

The morning twilight through the lone small window gave the top floor corridor a blue and bronze hue. A dark figure was slumped against his front door.

The figure stirred as Kay approached.

Marc quickly wiped his eyes with his shirt sleeves, they were red rimmed and there were tear tracks on his cheeks. He got up. In his hand was Kay’s jacket, all balled up and wrinkled. Marc dropped it on the floor.

Kay walked to close the small gap between them, the same moment Marc reached for him and pulled him in. His embrace so fierce, so tight, Kay felt he could disappear in it. 

Marc let out a loud gulp sound; he pressed his mouth next to Kay’s ear. “Don’t ever scare me like this again.”

Kay hugged him back, arms going around Marc’s broad shoulders, greedily inhaling his scent like oxygen. Suddenly he was so tired, he thought his legs would give, but it’s okay, because Marc was here to catch him. 

He set his eyes on a patch of peeled paint on the wall behind Marc, Kay’s throat was parched even though he hasn’t spoken a word since he left Stefan’s bar. “Marc, I ...” he mumbled. But nothing else came, he couldn’t say it. 

_I don’t know if I can do this, but I don’t want to leave you._

“Shh...” Marc stopped him. He kissed the side of Kay’s head and whispered, “you don’t have to say anything.”

Marc took him to bed. Kay smelled tobacco and dried sweat on himself, but he couldn’t muster any energy to go clean up. Marc didn’t seem to mind, they stripped down, and he lay down next to him, warming Kay’s legs with his own under the duvet. 

Kay was bone tired but too wired to fall asleep right away; he could tell Marc wasn’t sleeping either.

“What time do you have to go to work?” Kay asked, hoping to regain some form of normalcy. 

“9 o’clock.”

“Scheiße... I’m - “

“It doesn’t matter.” Marc rested his hand on Kay’s stomach. Not in the usual heat of the moment sexual way, but a way to offer comfort, safety. “There’s nothing you need to apologise for.”

Kay swallowed his apology, knowing Marc meant the other thing. He put his hand on top of Marc’s.

The closed blinds kept the sunlight out of the room, they lay in the dark while the world slowly woke up. 

After a few minutes, he heard Marc said, “I love you. Nothing will change that.”

******

(Marc)

“You look like death warmed over.” Berger took one look at him and commented. “Home life ok?”

Marc had left Kay sleeping in bed that morning, after having just two hours of sleep himself. He would love to call in sick, but he had a meeting scheduled with Berger and his new partner who would be covering Nina’s maternity leave. 

He reluctantly left a note on the nightstand for Kay, telling him he would see him later. Kay had come back safely, devastated but in one-piece; and he had let Marc to take care of him. The muscular and wiry body of Kay was warm and lying right next to him this morning. Marc kept reminding himself of that. 

He gave a tight nod to Berger, tried to muster a tired smile.

His new temporary partner, Officer Ginter, was a transfer from Freiburg, new to KriPo. A gung-ho 26 years old who had twenty questions for Marc after they left Berger’s office.

“I heard about the joint task force. Taking down the Russian gang. Wow.”

“It’s the Federal police’s show, we were just providing local inputs. But yeah, that has been a good learning experience,” Marc played down his contributions.

Ginter sat down opposite from Marc’s desk, he winked, “I heard about the infamous stakeout. The P.I. consultant from the Federal team got knocked unconscious by some random woman and you saved his sorry arse. You show them, right? On behalf of Landespolizei.”

“That consultant was the one who found out the location that made the first batch of arrests possible.” Marc glared at Ginter. “And it’s not a competition. We worked with the Federal police.”

Ginter shrugged and had a cheeky grin on his face, didn’t indicate whether he agree or not. Thick-skinned and hyperactive. Marc missed Nina already.

They went out to follow up on a burglary case reported overnight near Brandenburg Gate. No one was injured, only some cash and costume jewellery were stolen, but Marc began to get suspicious when the wife kept saying she didn’t want to press charges. 

“It’s not up to you, I am afraid. A crime has been committed and if we catch the criminal, then we will have to prosecute,” said Ginter, eager to show his criminal law enforcement knowledge.

The address and their names seemed familiar to Marc, he checked the old notes on his phone and finally recognised where he has seen it before.

“Is there anything else missing? Documents? Do you or your husband have an office here?”

The wife snapped up and looked at Marc. “I... I don’t think so. Nothing else is missing. Like I said, it’s just a little bit of cash and some necklaces, they aren’t even real diamonds.” She looked more afraid of Marc than whoever has burgled her home.

“What was that about?” Ginter asked as they walked back to their car.

Marc thought for a moment. “Could be nothing. But I need to call the Chief Inspector of the task force. This household has come up in that investigation before.”

Mats was not in the office today; Marc left a message on his mobile and took Ginter to a welcoming lunch. After finding out Marc had also started his career in BePo, Ginter seemed to think he has found a long-lost brother. His non-stop chattering was not helping to nurse Marc’s headache, but the motormouth also carried ibuprofen with him. 

“I get bad migraine sometimes.” He offered Marc a 400g tablet.

Marc said thanks and washed it down with a bottle of water.

“What happened to you last night anyway? Got lucky?” Ginter winked again. 

Marc was about to tell him to mind his own business when his mobile rang. 

It was Kay.

“Hey, did you sleep okay?” Marc asked in a low voice. Kay usually texted him, a call meant it’s either urgent or he really missed Marc.

“I want to make sure you didn’t get caught up with some panty-stealing thief.”

Marc smiled. He could feel the knot in his stomach uncoiled, even his headache receded a bit, just hearing Kay’s voice. If Kay could crack a joke, he’s in a better mind frame. They both knew they were delaying the difficult conversation, but Marc didn’t want to push Kay. No, it was his mistake last night and Marc had spent hours regretting it.

“No such creative thief, just your regular burglar.” Marc joked back. He turned sideways, keeping his voice low, mindful of Ginter’s gaze and heightened interest. “See you tonight?” he asked.

Kay’s hesitation was quickly compensated by his answer. “My place? We can order pizza tonight. I know you’re sick of Thai curry.”

“Deal,” said Marc. Then he hung up. He wanted to ask Kay if he’s going to work today, but he didn’t want to talk on the phone any longer with Ginter blatantly listening in.

That testosterone filled, shit eating grin on Ginter’s face reminded Marc of Limpinski; he asked wearily, “what?”

Ginter lifted one shoulder. “My girlfriend knows not to call when I am working, but it’s cool that yours does. I guess you are in honeymoon period?”

Marc put down his knife and fork. Now he really, really missed Nina. “First of all, he’s my boyfriend. And second of all, he used to be a cop too.” Marc squared his shoulders. His expression said clearly: you got a problem with that?

Ginter blinked and stammered, “Um. Uh. No, no problem.”

They returned to their lunch. Then after five minutes, Ginter said, “it’s just that you don’t look like one, that’s all.” He said it like it was a compliment.

******

“So, you think the Russian gang might have sent someone to break into Goretzka’s house?” Kay cleared away the files and reference books on the dining table, holding two pizza boxes.

Marc took the pizza boxes from him. He knew Kay went to work in the afternoon, but he was home already when Marc called him from the police station after his shift. His face was pale and there were bags under his eyes, but otherwise, Kay looked healthy and calm. To Marc, he looked beautiful, always. Kay hadn’t mentioned where he went last night, but he was sober when he came home, so Marc didn’t need to ask.

“Could be. Or it could be really just a regular burglary,” Marc said, putting two plates down and opened a bottle of beer. Kay made a new drink for himself that involved tonic water and some strange tasting tea. He had offered Marc a sip and Marc had nearly spewed it right out.

“What do you think they were looking for?” Kay asked, joining him at the table.

Marc took a slice of pizza and pondered. “Maybe that Goretzka guy is holding some evidence against the Russian gang, you know, like an ‘insurance’ policy for himself?”

Kay laughed. “And you said me and Mats watched too many Sopranos!”

The light and silvery laugh brightened Marc’s day right away. Marc grinned and pressed a greasy, pepperoni taste kiss on Kay’s mouth. “You two do watch a lot of mafia shows. Anyway, Mats called me back and I’ve passed on my suspicion to him. It’s up to the Organised Crime to decide if they want to check that out.”

Kay nodded. “Maybe I’ll ask him when I see him this Sunday.”

Marc knew Kay often visited his former father-in-law with Mats on weekends. Hartmann senior had early onset dementia; Kay had told Marc just last week. The way Kay talked about Klaus, he’s a lot more than an in-law. 

“Are those Halloren Kugeln for Mat’s father?” he glanced at the two boxes of chocolate on the kitchen counter.

“Yeah. He’s been asking for them.”

“I haven’t had one of those since I was a kid,” Marc chewed slowly, remembered seeing the boxes at his parents’ home.

Kay sighed. “To Klaus, this is 1975.”

“Does he recognise you?”

“Sometimes,” Kay bit his lower lip. He had the ghost of a smile on his face, a melancholy one. “Sometimes he thought I just joined the P.I. company; sometimes he thought I was his old cop buddy Fritz. According to Mats, the only similarity was that the Fritz guy was also blond.”

“He doesn’t know you and Daniel are separated,” Marc said. He thought he had said it without inflection, just stating a fact.

Kay stilled, something shadowy and sad slid across his eyes. For a minute, Marc thought he wasn’t going to answer. But Kay put down the slice of pizza in his hand and shook his head. “And he’s not going to know.” Kay lowered his lashes. “I know it’s not fair to you. But please don’t ask me to do this. Klaus adores Daniel.” Kay’s voice was soft but firm, his position was clear. 

Marc jerked his head to the side, so much for just stating a fact. On a rational level, he understood. Why confuse and hurt a frail old man when he could hardly recognise anyone anymore? But Marc hated it. He absolutely hated it that Kay was put in such a position. 

Kay’s gaze was still on him, asking for understanding. After last night, Marc couldn’t do it; he would die first before he put pressure on Kay again. This wasn’t Kay’s fault; this was all on Daniel. 

“Klaus is lucky to have you in his family,” Marc reassured. And the subject is closed. 

After finishing their dinner, they both couldn’t wait to get back to safer territories. Kay suggested to take a bath together and have an early night to catch up on their sleep.

Marc chuckled. “A bath together usually doesn’t end up with an early night.”

Kay smirked. “I don’t know about you, but I can resist you for one night in order to get some decent sleep.”

“Oh yeah?” Marc grabbed him behind, his hand strayed down to cup Kay’s ass, his mouth inches close to Kay’s neck. “I’d say a little exercise is good for sleeping.”

“Or. We can combine the two...” Kay turned and looped his arms around his neck, their mouths were about to meet when Marc’s mobile started ringing.

He was about to grab it from the kitchen counter when he saw the caller ID: Bettina. Kay’s arms released him in an instant. And Marc didn’t blame him.

“Hey,” Marc answered distractingly, he watched Kay walking into the bedroom. His boyfriend mouthed “I will start the bath” before he disappeared behind closed door, giving Marc some privacy.

Marc glanced at the oven clock. 9pm. A little late for phone call on a weekday?

“I assume you are not at your home, I called there before dinner.” Bettina said. Marc frowned, he piped down his irritation. “Is Lukas okay?”

Bettina didn’t seem to care that Marc had ignored her first question. “Lukas is fine. But I want to talk to you about something. Can you talk? You are at his place?”

_His._ Marc closed his eyes. Bettina was testing his patience.

“Yes.” He answered curtly.

“Well, in that case, could you call me tomorrow? When you...”

“What is it, Bettina? Just spit it out.” Marc might have said it louder than he intended.

Silence. It was like they were back to the days when she was suspicious, and he was in the wrong. The old guilt reappeared. Marc sighed and softened his voice. “I am sorry. I can talk. Kay is not around.”

He could hear Bettina hesitated on the other side of the line, then she cleared her throat. “I don’t want Lukas to spend time with Kay Engel. At least not for now.”

“What?” Marc pulled his mobile away from his ear. He thought he must have heard it wrong. “What did you just say?”

“I said I don’t want Kay Engel near Lukas. And before you get angry, I want to say this is just until I can confirm something.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Marc completely forgot about keeping his voice down. _What is she on about? Is this payback?_ “To confirm what?”

Bettina didn’t even miss a beat. “That he’s not using drugs.”

_What. The. Hell._

“Are you crazy? Where did you hear such garbage?” Marc was full on shouting now. Jesus. He didn’t recall ever shouted at her like that. Not even in those days when she was throwing things and punching him. 

“Watch your language, Marc Borgmann. And calm down. I am just trying to keep our child safe. What if he has drugs lying around and Lukas accidentally finds them? You never know.”

“Where did you hear it? Who?” Marc asked again. In his peripheral vision, he saw Kay coming out from the bedroom. He was watching Marc. 

Marc met his eyes. He didn’t know what was on his own face, but he saw Kay’s expression changing from curious to worried, to bleak.

“It’s someone who worked with him in Berlin. Do you know Kay was in rehab?”

“It’s not true and whoever told you that was lying. And no, I am not stopping Lukas to spend time with Kay.”

Then Marc hung up on her.


	21. Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Bettina's phone call.  
> Kay has dinner with Daniel  
> Kay makes a decision about Ludwigsburg
> 
> This chapter is in Kay's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Some explicit content
> 
> Thank you for staying with this story. I think I have finally got past the slow burn bit 😅

(Kay)

“Want to get out? You are falling asleep.”

Kay scrubbed Marc’s shoulder with a hand towel, planting a kiss there. The bath water has become tepid, their fingers were becoming pruney.

Marc’s head was resting on the hook between Kay’s neck and shoulder, his eyes fluttered open. 

Marc haven’t told him what he was arguing about with Bettina, but all Kay needed to hear were: Lukas - it’s not true - lying. He could deduce from them and knew that Bettina didn’t want him to see Lukas. And Marc was being defiant.

But for what reason, Kay didn’t know and not sure if he wanted to know. 

“I am not sleeping. Just enjoying the peace and quiet after a day with a motormouth.” Marc had told him earlier about his chatty new partner, Ginter. And that’s what they had - a quiet and relaxing bath together. Each with their own thoughts.

They got out the bathtub and quickly dried themselves. Kay knew they could forget about sex, they were both exhausted, their nerves were frayed after that phone call. The bath just about put them in a calmer state. 

Kay smiled inwardly. How Bettina managed to have a negative effect on his sex life even now and being a hundred miles away.

The mattress dipped as Marc joined him in bed. They got onto their respective preferred side, it’s scary how quickly this has become a routine, few nights a week. After last night, Kay knew it was already too late for self-preservation; he turned to face Marc, watching the outline of his handsome face in the semi-darkness.

“You want to tell me what you were arguing with Bettina?”

Marc gave Kay a tired smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “How much did you hear?”

“Not much. I gathered that she doesn’t want Lukas to spend time with me.”

It was too dark to read Marc’s expression, but Kay could tell he’s frowning. Troubled. It was another two seconds before Marc said, “she heard some rumours about you and says I shouldn’t let you see Lukas until she can confirm whether it’s true.”

“What rumours?” Kay asked slowly. At the back of his mind, he already knew.

“It doesn’t matter because I know it’s not true.”

“That I am an addict?”

“You are not an addict.”

“She’s not wrong. I was an addict. MDMA, marijuana, LSD, alcohol... I wasn’t choosy.”

Marc reached out his hand in the dark and touched Kay’s face. “She’s wrong. She doesn’t know you.”

Kay heard what Marc didn’t say: _I know you. I trust you._ But still, he had to say it. “I am not taking any...” he trailed, thinking of Lukas’ guileless laughter. “And I would never do anything to cause Lukas harm.”

“I know, baby. I’d never doubt that.” Marc moved closer and lay his head on Kay’s chest. After a second, he snorted. “Hell, apart from the cigarettes, you’re living and eating healthier than I do.”

“It’s Nina’s fault. All those Berliners go straight to your waistline,” Kay deadpanned. Marc chuckled lightly. He was pleased that he could still get a laugh out of Marc under such circumstances, both of them were trying to mask their nervousness with humour. 

“You and your weird tea.” Marc played along.

“That’s the secret of my beauty.”

Marc gave a snort laugh, his shoulders shaking.

When they’ve finally calmed down, Kay said, “I don’t have to see Lukas, it’s okay. I don’t want Bettina to worry.”

Marc was silent. Then he shook his head. “No, I’ll explain to her. She’s not unreasonable. Maybe I shouldn’t have hung up on her.” He sighed. “I don’t know where she got that rubbish from.”

Kay thought he had a pretty good idea.

“Call her back tomorrow,” Kay said. Brushing Marc’s hair with his fingers, he was suddenly overcome with a strong sense of protectiveness; he would fix it, he would keep Marc and Lukas safe. “Let’s go to sleep. I am wiped.”

They kissed. Tongues lingering around the corners of their mouths, their jawlines before exhaustion and sleep won over.

******

Daniel has been expecting his call. Kay knew right away when he only picked up after five rings, even though he definitely has seen the caller ID and it was a bit too late to play hard to get.

“Hey Schatz,” Daniel answered cheerily.

Kay briefly thought how he never liked it when Daniel used that endearment, thought it was cheesy, but when Marc called him baby, it was intimate and affectionate.

“Are you in Berlin?” Kay didn’t want to waste time with pleasantries.

“I am. Just went to see Papa yesterday. I guess you are responsible for those Halloran chocolates. You know the way to a man’s heart.

Kay ignored that. The only comfort was that Klaus was probably happy to see Daniel. “Do you have time to meet for lunch today?”

“Lunch? No. I have meetings all lined up. How about dinner?”

Daniel could make lunch but why would he when he could get Kay to have dinner? Kay knew Marc would hate it when he found out, but Daniel was his mess, he had to deal with it. “OK. Where?”

“Ottenthal? I remember you love the schnitzel there.”

An old favourite of theirs. It was one of the restaurants they always went to when they first started dating. A small but classy bistro, very popular. “OK, let me check if they have a table for tonight.”

“Let me take care of it,” said Daniel. “Just be there at 8.”

Of course, he would take care of it. Daniel would offer treble to get the restaurant to give him a table if he had to.

Kay considered calling Marc and letting him know about his dinner plan, but he knew what Marc would say and Kay didn’t want to argue with him, didn’t want to hear the concerns in his voice, because there was no pretending now, Marc knew and in his eyes, Kay was a powerless victim.

But Kay didn’t want to go behind Marc’s back either. For all he knows, having dinner with your ex-husband could be considered as cheating in Marc Borgmann’s book of jealousy. So, he took the coward way out: sent Marc a text and then turned off his mobile.

Daniel got the best table in the restaurant, a cosy two-person table just behind the restaurant’s wall wine racks, and he already ordered drinks. There was a bottle of Grüner Veltliner from the Wachau region and a glass of lime schorle for Kay on the table.

“I’ve already ordered. Our usual. Their kitchen is busy tonight. It will take longer.”

Kay simply nodded. There was no point to argue, high-handedness was the lesser evil from Daniel.

“You’ve lost weight,” Daniel commented when Kay sat down opposite him.

“You saw me not too long ago.” When Klaus went missing, when Kay refused to give Daniel a second chance. Kay had lost weight, just a little bit. From overworked, when earlier he had taken on more cases than he should have, so he wouldn’t have time to think about Marc. Now he was tidying up the cases, getting back to normal. Getting back with Marc.

Which was what he needed to tell Daniel. Officially. Because he was sure Daniel already knew.

“I am seeing Marc.”

When Daniel didn’t react at all. Kay added, “but I guess you already know.”

He took a sip from his wine and curled his lip. “Geez. He must be special. First man you’re fucking that you feel the need to inform me.”

Kay ignored his crass remark. “I don’t care if you want to punish me, but don’t drag other people into our drama.”

“I am not punishing you,” Daniel blurted, looking uncharacteristically abashed. “I am sorry about the care home. It was childish. I was upset... I just found out you are back with your hick ex-boyfriend. I was angry. I am angry. For you. I can’t believe you fall for that guy again. What did he do? Apologised?” he spat out.

Kay just stared at Daniel. He suddenly realised Daniel was genuinely outraged. The way he talked about apologies, like they meant nothing. But that’s exactly what Daniel has always done himself - hurt you and then apologise afterwards. They were meaningless. To Daniel, if Kay wouldn’t forgive him, why should he accept Marc’s apology?

Marc must have really got under his skin, Kay thought.

“If you know Marc and I are back together, that means you know what happened before.” Kay had never told Daniel about Marc, about Ludwigsburg, but he knew Daniel had his ways to get information.

“You mean when he left you for his pathetic heteronormative life? Oh yeah, I’ve heard all the juicy details.”

Kay shuddered to think about what those people were saying about him; he still remembered the whispers and the stony faces after he came out. And then there was Frank Richter’s birthday party in a week’s time, he needed to give Marc an answer. He knew Marc desperately wanted him to go; it’s also an olive branch from Frank...

_If Bettina doesn’t put out a restraining order against me first._

Kay sighed. “What did you do? Hacked into someone’s computer?”

Daniel rolled his eyes, like it was a silly question. “No need. Those BePo cops and wives are biggest gossipers I’ve ever seen. All I did was a fake profile and asked one of them to friend me on Facebook and then I am in, like they’ve never heard of privacy settings.”

Kay knew better to be on social media himself. After all, he has seen Daniel in action before, all those opposition-research he has done on competitors, potential investors, Kay’s brother... Facebook was kindergarten stuff to him.

Their food arrived and Daniel timely brought up the subject of Klaus’ health condition, knowing Kay would oblige him. So, for half an hour, they dined and talked like they were still a family. Mats had also brought up the question of whether the current care home was providing adequate care for Klaus, that maybe they should move him closer to the city, so they could see him more often.

“I like the idea of a city location too, especially if there’s a park nearby, but Klaus likes some of the staff there. And he has friends. I don’t want to risk taking him out of his comfort zone,” Kay said.

“I am thinking of hiring Lisa as a private nurse for Papa. He’s comfortable with her and I am sure I can convince some of this friends’ family to consider a better alternative,” Daniel offered. As always, he came prepared.

“He does like Lisa a lot and she would jump for that chance,” Kay conceded. 

“I’ll set up a few appointments, we can check out the facilities together?” Daniel said and covered Kay’s hand with his on the table.

Kay slowly moved his hand from under his grasp, eyes watching Daniel’s reaction carefully. “You should go with Mats. Whichever Mats decides, I am ok with it.”

He saw disappointment slid across Daniel’s face, but so far, he’s been able to keep his temper in check. Kay knew he wouldn’t do anything inside a restaurant. 

Daniel drank his glass of Grüner Veltliner, looking thoughtful. “I am not asking you to come back,” he said. “I know you won’t.”

Kay looked at him warily but kept quiet.

Daniel showed his palms up, flashed him a harmless lopsided grin. A reaction Kay has learned not to trust.

“Then you should sign the divorce papers.”

“I am going to,” said Daniel. This time he even sounded sincere. He looked to the side and said dispiritedly, “it’s just that it’s hard to let go. I thought you of all people, should understand.”

Kay bit out in frustration, “why do you even want me? You can have anyone you want.” He knew for a fact that Daniel wasn’t living like a monk the past year, at some point, Daniel had even paraded a few dates in front of Kay, when he thought jealousy would work in his favour. Kay shook his head. “We will end up killing each other.”

Daniel looked down, rubbing his own knuckles, a fleeting sign of remorse on his face. “I am seeing a therapist. Mats insisted. He wouldn’t let me go near you if I don’t see one. He completely blew up about that care home stunt.”

Mats didn’t tell Kay about this, but if there’s anyone who could talk to Daniel, it would be him.

“That’s good, Daniel. You need help.” And he meant it. 

His gaze back on Kay’s. “You might not believe it, but I still love you.”

Kay felt like they’ve been going around in circles again; ever since he has filed for divorce. Therapist or not, it would take a lot for Daniel to let go. Kay groaned with exasperation, “and telling people I am an addict. That’s your way of loving me?”

The question brought out Dennis-the-menace in Daniel, revelling in his element, he didn’t even bother to deny it. “For the record, I only told her you were in rehab. I didn’t say you are still using. She jumped to that conclusion all by herself. And that’s how these people are,” he said with unconcealed contempt. “You should know, they’ve driven you out of that hick town.”

“She’s thinking as a mother, she has a child to protect.” Not that Kay thought it was fair for Bettina to demand that. But life isn’t fair. This much he knows. “You do this to make life difficult for Marc, nothing else. Don’t think I can’t see through your tactics.”

Daniel’s tawny eyes studied Kay; he slowly shook his head.

“I do this, so you’ll find out before you get hurt again. You know he’ll leave you again,” he said with conviction. “Papa is right. You never know what’s good for you.”

Kay tried not to flinch at that. He couldn’t let Daniel know this was getting to him. This was what Daniel wanted: a double-punch to hit Kay’s two main weaknesses: his history with Marc and Klaus. Twisting Klaus’ words to undermine Kay’s confidence.

“If you still love me, even just a little bit. You’d leave Marc and his family alone.” Kay hardened his voice. “Or I’ll make you regret it.”

******

Marc was not happy about the dinner.

Kay turned on his mobile and found five missed calls and one voice message from Marc. The voice message was a clipped “call me.”

He called Marc when he got into his car, but it went to voicemail. He checked the time on the dashboard: 10pm. He called the police station landline. 

“Marc Borgmann, KriPo,” Marc answered the phone himself.

“Hey. Still working?”

There was a two-second silence. Kay could imagine Marc debating if he should stay angry at him.

“Just finishing. We caught a guy in connection with a series of burglaries.”

“Want to take a break from crime-fighting and go home?”

Marc snorted but Kay knew he appreciated the soft approach. “You have a lot of explaining to do, Mr Engel.”

“I know,” Kay replied. Relieved by the playful tone he detected from Marc. “I can pick you up. I am in the area.”

When Kay arrived at the police station, Marc was waiting by the curb side, next to him was a younger guy with ash blond hair and a face full of freckles.

“This is Ginter,” Marc’s head tilted to the younger guy. “Ginter, this is Kay.” 

“Hey,” Kay said, looking between Marc and Ginter.

“Ginter wants a ride. The U1 is closed for maintenance tonight,” Marc said it like he’s reading a weather report.

Ginter got in at the back and gave Kay his address. It was in Kreuzberg. Another party central area Kay used to frequent. They traded a few recommendations and opinions about some clubs and then Ginter said, “not that one, I don’t go there. It’s totally gay.”

Kay glanced at Marc on the passenger seat, who was facing ahead with a stony face. He bumped Marc’s shoulder to get a reaction from him before he said to Ginter, “yeah, but a lot of women prefer to go to gay clubs.”

“You got a point there.” Ginter enthused, sticking his head to the front seats between Marc and Kay.

“Thought you have a girlfriend,” Marc finally commented.

Ginter twisted his face. “I am not going to get tied down in my 20s,” he said before he quickly added, “it’s perfectly fine for you guys though, pushing 40.”

“I am barely 34!” Kay protested.

“Still older than my brother. And he already has two kids.”

Kay shook his head. He gave up. _Poor Marc. Ginter is work, just being Ginter._

Just before they dropped him off, Ginter asked what Kay did for a living.

“I am a private investigator. Actually, Marc and I worked in the same task force not long ago.”

“Scheiße,” Ginter muttered to himself, his eyes darting back and forth between Marc and Kay. 

Kay was puzzled, he turned to Marc and saw him biting his bottom lip, trying hard not to laugh.

“Thanks for the ride, goodnight.” Ginter bid his goodbye in a subdued way and got out of the car.

“I sense there’s a story somewhere?” Kay said. 

Marc just shook his head. He touched Kay’s hand on the gear knob and said, “let’s go home.”

Kay was grateful for Ginter’s comic relief performance in the car, it put Marc in a better mood by the time they arrived at Marc’s apartment.

Maybe not just better... Marc was attacking his mouth the second the door was closed. Kay heard a thump sound before his back hit the wall; picture frames rattled and one of Lukas’s robot drawings now hanging haphazardly by some blu-tack.

Marc’s hands cupped both sides of Kay’s face in a hungry kiss, full of bites and saliva. Kay could taste in that kiss what Marc didn’t say: _you are with me now, and it’s not okay that Daniel still gets to see you._ Marc’s firm mouth pushed confidently, possessively onto Kay’s. Claiming him.

Kay closed his eyes and responded with everything he had. He hazily registered what a world of difference when it was Marc making the claim; when it was Marc wanting to possess him. Instead of feeling trapped and owned; it was liberating; he felt cherished - because he wanted to do the same to Marc.

They managed to manoeuvre themselves to the bedroom, clothes dropping off along the way. Marc was all riled up, his blue eyes were dark and intense as he pushed Kay onto the bed and climbed on top on him. “You know you drove me crazy with that goddamn text message?” he said with a shake of his head. His mouth came down hard on Kay’s again. “I kept thinking of him looking at you, touching you...” Marc mumbled between kisses. 

“He didn’t touch me,” Kay reassured, his hands stroking Marc’s back, pulling him closer. He could feel Marc’s cock poking his stomach. Hard. Demanding attention. Kay hooked his ankle onto Marc’s calf and flipped their positions, now he got Marc underneath him, he pressed a searing kiss before moving downward, trailing along Marc’s pectoral muscles, his tight stomach before putting his full attention to his cock, already hard and glistening with pre-cum. Kay licked the salty head lightly, like tasting ice-cream. Marc’s hips jerked, he let out a low groan. Kay then grabbed the base of his cock and positioned his mouth on top, before he engulfed half of the length in one go, sucking hard, applying lips and a bit of teeth. Marc’s hands flew to grab hold of Kay’s head, touching and pulling his ears, muttering unintelligible words under Kay’s expert attentions.

Kay relaxed his throat muscle and took it all in, until Marc’s pubic hair touching, disturbing his nostrils. Kay breathed out through his nose as Marc’s cock hit the back of his throat. He released it halfway and swallowing it back. Repeating it like it was his favourite sport. 

“Fuck... oh god... Kay... Jesus“ Marc thrashed around like he was in pain, from the best kind of torture. Kay’s heartbeat alongside Marc’s pulsing; he could feel the unmistakable tingle at the base of Marc’s cock, could feel it spreading through the whole length, like a volcano about to erupt. Marc made a sound between choking and grunting, his hands grabbing Kay’s shoulders so tight he’s leaving handprints. He spurted his release into Kay’s mouth.

“Fuck...” Marc breathed out. He pulled Kay up and kissed him, eager to taste himself in Kay’s mouth, like he couldn’t bear losing the physical contact.

Kay lay his head down on Marc’s chest after they got their breathing even again. Marc was pliant and soft underneath him. 

“Did you come?” Marc suddenly asked. 

Kay shook his head. “It’s alright. We have all night.” And he meant it. He wanted to do this for Marc, like a peace offering; he chuckled at his own justification. Then he realised something else: Marc didn’t use to ask him that; inexperienced and too occupied with his own feelings, Marc had been more of a taker than a lover 10 years ago. In every sense. 

And now he’s... he’s perfect. In every sense. Kay thought.

“What?” Marc asked, stroking his hair.

“Nothing,” Kay said, smiling and burying his face between Marc’s neck and shoulder. Didn’t realise one could be so full of happiness that it would spill over.

“Did you have a good dinner?” Marc asked finally. Placated by sex, his tone only carried a hint of irritation.

Kay knew it can wait. “Dinner was okay. I will tell you about it later.”

“Oh yeah, what now then?” Kay could feel Marc’s eyebrows frowning.

“Now I want to talk about what birthday gift we should buy Frank.”


	22. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Kay travel to Ludwigsburg  
> This chapter is in Marc's POV

(Marc)

Kay changed the radio station again. For the 100th time.

“Stop fiddling with it. Just pick one and stick with it. Your usual one?”

“My usual is Radioeins. But outside Berlin, I have to change until I hear a song I like. What do you usually listen to?” Kay asked, still pressing the button, still searching.

Marc slowed down the car as he saw the red light three cars ahead. “I usually listen to podcasts.”

Kay stopped fiddling. “Oh yeah? What kind?”

“True crime.”

“That’s work.”

Marc laughed. “Hardly. It’s like reading mystery fictions.” Waiting for the light to change, he reached over and touched Kay’s cheek, “listen to whatever you want. We have six hours of driving to do, you’ll get tired soon enough.”

Eventually Kay settled on an alternative music station; a song by Nine Inch Nails came on. He leaned back against his seat, eyes closed, like he’s letting the music washed over him. 

Marc knew Kay was nervous. Going back to Ludwigsburg wasn’t Kay’s idea of fun and he knew Kay’s doing this for him. So was Marc. Whatever demons they had left behind in Ludwigsburg, they needed to face them, put them to bed.

“What about our sleeping arrangement? Should I book a hotel?” Kay had asked before the trip.

“No, we are going to stay at my parents’ house. They still live close to Frank.”

Kay had gone so quiet; the only sound Marc could hear was the washing machine running in the utility room.

“Have you told - “

“Of course, I have. They know and they are happy you are coming,” Marc answered with confidence. 

Happy might be an overstatement. But Marc had told his parents. About coming home with his boyfriend and the boyfriend was someone they’ve already met. Someone they had rudely rejected 10 years ago...

His mother had simply said, “we know. Frank told us. What time will you be here, should we wait for you two for dinner?” The pragmatic reply disarmed Marc a fraction, but he needed to be sure; he couldn’t allow Kay to walk into an embarrassing or hostile situation. 

“Mama. This is important to me; Kay is important to me. You understand?”

His mother had made an impatient noise and muttered, “we aren’t bigots, you know.”

But still, Marc felt himself tensing as the distance to Ludwigsburg getting shorter. _Coming home is always hard._

They started their journey shortly after lunch and made good time. When they reached Freiburg am Neckar, just 30 minutes outside of Ludwigsburg, it was only 7pm. But Marc had already told his mother not to wait for them for dinner, so they decided to take a bathroom break and eat something in a restaurant & bar by the riverside

Kay asked what kind of alcohol-free beer they had, when they said Becks only, he quickly ordered a lime Schorle instead and went to the bathroom.

Marc was studying the menu, his mouth watering already. He missed the hearty Swabian food. He was choosing between the Maultaschen and the ox meat stew when he heard a familiar voice calling his name.

“Marc? Oh my god, Marc Borgmann?”

Marc looked up, turning left and right and suddenly found a pair of honey brown eyes looking straight at him. 

Brigitte. His ex-fiancée; the woman he almost married.

The tall and curvy brunette walked up to his table in a pair of red high heels. Marc stood up. He hasn’t seen her for more than three years, since he moved to Berlin. In fact, part of the reason he asked for the transfer was to have a change of scenery - to live in another city where he wouldn’t run into his ex-fiancée all the time. Even though they had parted ways amicably - at least that’s what Marc thought.

“Brigitte. Hi.”

He extended his hand, but Brigitte laughed and gave him a hug. “I can’t believe it’s you! What the hell are you doing in Freiburg?”

“Just passing through, I am going to my parents’ place.”

“Oh, right! They are still in Ludwigsburg.” Brigitte lived in Stuttgart, she worked for a company who supplied security equipment to KriPo police, that’s how they met. She glanced at the empty seat, before Marc could say anything, sat down opposite him. A whiff of perfume hit his nostrils, Jil Sander’s Sunlight, Marc recognised; he had bought a few bottles of it for her.

“What are you doing in Freiburg yourself?” Marc asked, his eyes strayed to the entrance to the bathroom. Of all the ghosts from his past life in Ludwigsburg, Brigitte was the last person he expected to see.

In fact, he didn’t even remember who broke off the engagement. Was it Brigitte? She said something along the line of “instead of beating the longest engagement record, why don’t we just call it a day?” Marc remembered feeling disappointed, even a little bit sad. But he wasn’t heartbroken. He also remembered he had been dreading to set a date for the wedding, that something he couldn’t explain had been holding him back.

“Procurement Conference at the hotel next door,” Brigitte pointed with her chin to a group of diners at the far end of the restaurant. “How’s Berlin? I was thinking of you the other day.” Her honey brown eyes twinkling mischievously. Nothing seemed to get Brigitte down. That’s what Marc liked about her. She’s caring, easy to be around and on top of her pretty face, a smart brain. 

“Oh yeah?” Marc answered but his attention was elsewhere; he saw Kay coming back from the bathroom. Kay was slowing down his steps as he got closer, brows furrowed.

Marc made eye contact with him. “Hey.” He raised his hand and stood up again. 

Kay walked next to him, his eyes on Brigitte. 

He put his hand on Kay’s small back and said to Brigitte, “this is Kay... my partner.” Marc could feel Kay’s body stiffened as he heard the word ‘partner’. 

Brigitte got out of the seat. “Sorry I took your seat. I thought Marc was alone.” She shook Kay’s hand, her eyes never left Kay’s face.

“Nice to meet you... “Kay trailed, looking at Marc.

“This is Brigitte,” Marc said immediately, he could feel his face heating up. “We... we were...” _Scheiße._

Brigitte laughed. “We were engaged for the looooongest time,” finishing the sentence for him.

“Did you?” Kay arched his eyebrow, his eyes sharpened, looking between Marc and Brigitte. Marc couldn’t read his expression. Shocked? Jealous? Kay made a sound of amusement and said, “I am going to chase the bar for our drinks. Can I get your something, Brigitte?”

Brigitte’s gaze was still on Kay, like she’s trying to decipher him, looking for clues. Then she shook her head. “Thank you, but I should return to my table. Just want to catch up with Marc for a bit.”

When Kay was out of earshot, Brigitte whistled lowly, “oh wow, now I feel so out of my league. You’ve got yourself a fine-looking man.”

Today Kay was wearing a slim fit white oxford shirt with sleeves rolled up and a pair of light grey chinos; his hair lightly styled with mousse. Looking like he was modelling for menswear in GQ. If he wasn’t already looking so nervous, Marc would have teased and asked him who he was trying to impress. Kay was making an effort and that alone created butterflies in Marc’s stomach.

Marc smiled faintly. “He is,” he said.

“Marc Borgmann, you know how to break a girl’s heart.” Brigitte pouted.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean -” Marc said hastily.

“Joking! I am only joking,” Brigitte grinned. “You’re still so sensitive. Look at you, all red faced and flustered.”

Marc touched his nose self-consciously. Brigitte could always read him.

“So, you haven’t told him about us. How long have you two been dating... but you say he’s your partner?” she frowned, like something didn’t compute.

10 years? A few months? Marc didn’t know which was the correct answer. 

Marc had never mentioned Kay to Brigitte either. He cleared his throat. “Kay and I first met 10 years ago, we broke up and then... we met again few months ago in Berlin.” That’s a very condensed version of the events took place, Marc was just trying to explain this in a simple way.

But Brigitte didn’t need more clarification or details. Her face grew thoughtful; after a few moments, she said, “ah. So, he’s the one who got away.” There was no bitterness in her voice. She smiled ruefully. “I’ve always thought there was one in your life.”

Marc returned a small smile as confirmation.

When Kay was walking back to the table, carrying two drinks, Brigitte got up; she squeezed Kay’s arm. “Nice to meet you, Kay. Enjoy your stay.”

“She seems nice.” Kay said when they were about to dig into their food.

“She is. And smart too.” Marc said. 

“And pretty,” said Kay, cutting into his Maultaschen. Then after one bite, he put down his cutlery and said, “I didn’t realise you’re a breast man. Hammertitten!”

“Kay!” Marc spluttered; he instantly looked around self-consciously. _Goddammit, it’s like back in the shower room in the BePo unit._

Kay smirked. “Any more pretty ex-fiancée I should be aware of, partner?”

Marc threw his napkin at Kay. “Shut up.”

******

His father was waiting outside when Marc parked the car by his parents’ home.

“Papa.” The father and son greeted. Marc was aware of Kay getting out of the car slowly behind them.

“Mr Borgmann,” Kay nodded to Marc’s father.

Wolfgang Borgmann studied Kay for a moment. “Call me Wolfgang,” he said then turned to lead them to the house. 

Not the warmest welcome. Marc tried not to read too much into it; he knew he needed to give his parents some time. They knew Marc was dating both men and women over the years, but he had never brought any boyfriend home. When the engagement with Brigitte happened, maybe his parents had thought regular programme had been resumed, that Marc had gotten over his ‘gay phase’. It would be tough to disappoint them, but Marc had long given up trying to please them. Or anyone, really.

They took their luggage out from the car boot. Marc glanced at Kay and gave him a reassuring smile. “You ready?”

Kay returned a shy nod and a sheepish smile.

Their parents’ house had the same layout as the old house Marc and Bettina used to live. Mid-century style interior with floor to ceiling windows open to the patio and garden. When his parents bought the house next door for Marc and Bettina as a loan, he had thought he knew exactly what his life was going to be, he had thought his life was right here...

Kay followed Marc and hung his jacket on the coat rack in the hallway; he was looking at the interior with interest. Marc didn’t know if he’s studying the decor or it was reminding him that terrible afternoon. Marc wanted to hold his hand, but Kay has been deliberately keeping a distance from him.

His mother was coming out from the kitchen, holding a cake. “You made it in time for dessert.”

“Plum cake?” Marc asked hopefully.

“Yes, your favourite.” She gave him a kiss on his cheek. 

In Marc’s peripheral vision, he could see Kay fidgeting with his hands on the side. Her mother put the cake on the dining table, then she turned her gaze to Kay. Like her husband had done earlier, she studied him quietly for a few moments. Some mixed emotions flashed across her face; Marc dared not to analyse what they could be. The first year after Marc and Bettina had parted ways, his mother had still seen Kay as enemy number one, claimed she would not welcome him in their house even if Marc got back with him.

Now 10 years on, with her son 6 hours away in Berlin and her grandson 4 hours away in Wolfsburg, she seemed to have accepted that things have gone off course and there was nothing she could do about them. Marc watched her struggle; then she seemed to gather herself, with a faint smile, she asked Kay, “how’s the trip?”

“Good. Marc knows where to avoid traffic.” Kay answered politely and snuck a glance at Marc.

Marc’s tense shoulders finally relaxed.

They sat down around the table. His parents were busy cutting the cake and taking out a bottle of Eiswein. Kay was staring at the dessert wine glass in front of him. Marc took two glasses away. “Mama, is the espresso machine I got you still working? I want to have coffee with the cake instead.”

Kay was stressed enough already; Marc wasn’t going to let him worry about explaining to his parents why he doesn’t drink.

“Sure. The espresso cups are in the top cupboard,” his mother said.

The conversation concentrated mostly on his parents’ plan to rent or buy a small holiday wood cabin near Wolfsburg, so they could visit Lukas more often. 

“That’s a good idea. Get him to do something outdoor for once, maybe I can teach him to run,” Marc said. Kay’s mouth quirked but he said nothing, sipping his coffee instead. Marc kicked his leg discreetly under the table. Their eyes met and a silent in-joke passed between them.

“How about you, Kay? Do you come back here often? Is your family here?” It was Wolfgang.

Kay seemed to be caught off guard by the question, his expression grew serious, shaking his head, he said, “no, they are in Göttingen.” When his parents were still looking at him, expecting details, he hesitantly added, “I am not close to them... they... didn’t want me to live with them.”

Kay left it at that. But it didn’t take much for them to figure out that his parents had kicked him out and the reason behind it.

This was, of course, news to Marc. They still had so many things to learn about each other; at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to take Kay’s hand, to make contact with any part of his body; he settled on putting his arm behind Kay’s chair.

“That’s not right,” Marc’s mother suddenly said, shaking her head.

Then Wolfgang decided to change the subject and asked Marc about his work. Marc mentioned the task force and working with the Federal police. He caught Kay’s eyes and smiled. “Kay was working as a consultant in the task force too, that’s how we met again.”

_That’s one way to put it._

That piqued his father’s interest. “Oh? In what capacity?”

“Kay is a P.I. with a lot of insurance fraud experience.”

Kay rolled his eyes and said, “hardly. Most of the insurance fraud are fake whiplash injury claims, not gang operations.”

“P.I.? Actually, I’ve considered doing that after I left the force,” Wolfgang said.

“Really?” Marc didn’t know.

“Yeah. My old Captain opened an agency in Stuttgart and asked me if I was interested. Only big cities would have enough business.”

Kay nodded. “Most P.I.s do have police background. Or private security.”

“To be the German Philip Marlowe, that was your father’s secret dream,” Inge Borgmann quipped. 

Marc helped his mother to clear the table while Kay and Wolfgang continued to talk about the P.I. business.

“Thank you, Mama,” Marc said quietly when they were alone in the kitchen.

His mother knew what he was referring to. Passing the plates for Marc to dry, she muttered, “if he’s truly the one you love, what kind of a mother am I to stop you?”

“Is this your childhood bedroom?” Kay walked around the room. He picked up a silver medal for junior football league championship, then an old Gameboy on the bookshelves, seemed to be fascinated by everything in it.

“Yes. My parents redecorated it to a proper guest bedroom, but some of my things are still here.” Marc pulled Kay down to sit on the bed. “At least they changed the bed from a single to a queen size, so no risk of me kicking you out of the bed.”

Kay snorted. “No funny business with your parents sleeping down the hall,” he said indignantly.

Marc laughed. “Aww, you won’t make out with the popular and handsome football captain?”

“Fuck off.” But Kay laughed too.

With the door closed, they shared a dry but lingering kiss. Marc wanted to pinch himself to make sure this wasn’t a dream. Kay was here. With him in his childhood bedroom. Like the past 10 years didn’t happen. 

“I am sorry about your parents,” Marc said.

Kay shrugged; he started taking off his shirt. “Sometimes blood connection is purely accidental, sometimes it doesn’t mean anything. Klaus and Mats are my family.”

Marc hugged him from behind. “How about me? Are you taking newcomer?” He pressed his mouth close to Kay’s ear.

Kay turned around and touched his forehead against his. “Are you sure you want a place there? It’s messy and scary sometimes,” he mumbled, looking uncharacteristically shy.

Marc cupped his face in both hands. “I am not afraid of messiness. I just need you to let me in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some German words:  
> Hammertitten - LOL... it literally means "hammer tits", ie. amazing breasts. Sorry for the crass language, but it was the same word Kay used in the original movie, in the shower scene with Limpinski. 
> 
> Marc and Kay will still be in Ludwigsburg in the next chapter. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	23. Maybe We Will Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning  
> Kay remembers a phone-call from 10 years ago  
> Scenes at Frank's party
> 
> This chapter is in Kay's POV.

(Kay)

Kay opened his eyes; he was facing an unfamiliar window. Teak wooden frame with beige roller blinds that barely kept out the sun. For a split second, he panicked. Thinking he had gotten drunk and gone home with a stranger again. But he knew he wouldn’t have. Because... because he didn’t do that anymore. But in his half-awake state, his heart began to beat faster and faster. Then a warm hand rubbed against his stomach, the familiar scent of pine aftershave lingered in the air.

It was okay. He’s with Marc. They were together in his parents’ house. His brain finally caught up with the recent developments.

“Hey baby,” Marc mumbled in his sleep, he pressed closer to Kay, one leg crossed and rested on top of Kay’s, holding him in a sleepy embrace.

Kay took Marc’s hand and kissed his fingers. And again. When Marc let out a soft moan, he put one finger in his mouth and started sucking on it. Like pressing an ‘on’ button, he felt Marc’s cock stir behind his back. 

“I thought you said no funny business,” Marc’s sleep raspy voice said. Kay could feel the smile on his face. He released the finger with a pop sound. “Why, I don’t want to miss out the chance to make out with the formidable football captain.”

Marc chuckled; he glanced at the bedside alarm that read 08:05 and rolled on top of Kay. His blue eyes twinkling in the morning sunshine. “My parents eat breakfast and work in the garden every morning together for an hour. We have time,” he said cheekily. His hand reaching for the waistband of Kay’s boxer-briefs before waiting for an answer.

Kay sniggered and let Marc have his way. 

They furtively undressed, and kissed, hands all over each other’s body. Even though they both tried to stay quiet; Marc had to cover Kay’s mouth several times to keep him from laughing. The urgency and the ridiculous situation put Kay in a fun and frisky mood, he kissed and bit Marc’s jawline, neck and earlobes, his hand expertly handling both of their cocks, rubbing and pulling. Marc helped out, covering his hand with his own, as they looked for more friction. Delicious friction from head to toe. 

In true fooling-around-in-your-parent’s-house fashion, they stifled their shouts into the pillows and bedsheets, climaxed under the duvet.

“Guess I am officially your girlfriend now,” Kay joked, rolling away from Marc, catching his breath.

Marc swiftly wiped away their ‘evidence’ with the t-shirt from yesterday, he looked down and smirked. “In that case, you’re girlfriend number 3. I’ve only ever done the deed with Bettina and Brigitte in this room.”

An image of Marc in bed with Brigitte flashed through his mind, Kay shuddered and made a face. “Women.”

“What? You’ve never slept with women?”

Kay supposed Marc just assumed that he had slept with women because he was going out with Britt. But Kay has never gotten to more than 2nd base with any woman, or girl. He knew he was gay when he was a teenager and he had zero interest in girls - not sexually. He liked women a lot, just didn’t want to get naked with them, didn’t want his boyfriend to sleep with them either.

He thought of Brigitte’s easy laugh and the admiration in Marc’s eyes when he was talking to her.

Kay pursed his lips; he shrugged. “I kissed a few of them, felt up a few too. But they are so soft and spongy... I was afraid I would break them.”

“Spongy.” Marc repeated, shaking his shoulders with laughter. Wiping his eyes, he said in a calmer voice, “well, you don’t have to worry about breaking me,” he traced Kay’s mouth with his finger. “I am strong enough for you.”

Meeting Brigitte freaked him out a little bit. That woman was the full package: her face, body and brain. Not to mention, for Marc, life with Brigitte must be a lot easier than life with Kay Engel. He could imagine Marc’s mother praising Brigitte’s beauty and sophistication; his father adoring her wit and charm. There must have been hugs and kisses, instead of last night’s strained politeness.

He, Kay Engel, a former addict vs a woman of virtue. And he had already lost once.

Kay licked his lips. “So, your parents liked Brigitte a lot? More than they liked Bettina?”

Marc raked his hair with his hand, thinking for a moment. “I guess Brigitte might be too assertive for them, plus she doesn’t cook, which kind of irks my mother,” Marc grinned, remembering. “But by that time, they just wanted me to have a family...” he trailed, looking at Kay again, his face serious again. “... Bettina, Brigitte, I did love them at one time, but you know it’s not the same way I feel about you, right? I’ve never wanted or needed anyone, anything, the way I want you.”

Kay could only nod. Afraid he would ruin it with words. But he knew what Marc meant. Because it’s the same for him. No one else came close.

After a few quiet moments between them, Kay leaned in to press a quick but firm kiss on Marc’s mouth. “Well, tell you mother I make a mean Wiener Schnitzel.”

******

_(10 Years ago)_

“The stork party is tomorrow; we would like you to come join us.”

Kay received the strangest phone-call today. Bettina. Marc’s girlfriend, mother of his new-born, suddenly called to invite him to some baby party.

“Stork party?” Kay asked.

Bettina’s laughter was light and melodic over the phone. She explained it was a common tradition to set up a stork in front of the house of the new-born child until the new parents, that meant she and Marc, were accustomed to the new life. And the stork was to be set up by friends, hence, tomorrow’s party.

_Their new life. Me not included._

Kay had overheard about a party from other unit members, but of course, he wasn’t invited. Gay or not, he was never invited to any team gatherings.

So, it was Marc’s party. Of course, Marc hadn’t mentioned it to him. In fact, he hasn’t called Kay since that hospital incident. Marc’s old avoidance pattern re-emerged. Kay thought he should be used to being disappointed by now, but the pain was still there, just because it happened repeatedly hasn’t lessened it one bit.

He was certain Bettina was lying when she said ‘we would like you to come join us’. There was no ‘we’. Marc would never have agreed to invite him. 

For some reason, that made Kay want to go. _Hell, it might be the only way I get to see Marc these days. Showing up at his son’s party._

Kay knew it was a terrible idea; Marc would be mad at him. But Kay couldn’t, he couldn’t just sit here while Marc celebrating the start of his new life.

“Thank you for inviting me. I’d love to come,” he answered.

******

“What’s with straight men and barbecue?”

Kay went with Marc to pick up the full-size Monolith ceramic grill they bought for Frank’s 40th birthday. 

Marc chuckled. “It’s dark, manly and weighs a ton, that’s how Frank wants to be remembered when he turns 40.” They worked together to put the heavy ceramic grill in the car boot of the Golf. 

“Ready?” Marc said, wiping his hands on his jeans. He’s wearing a navy-blue cotton sweater that brought out his beautiful cerulean eyes and a pair of indigo jeans. Marc looked relaxed and ready to do some grilling for his best friend.

_Not really._ Kay thought. It was going to be a freak show and he’s going to the centre of it.

“Is Bettina going to be there?” He had forgotten to ask. Or he has been dreading the answer.

Marc nodded stiffly. “She and Claudia are still very close. She won’t miss Frank’s birthday. I think Philip is here too, they came in yesterday and are staying with Frank. They’ve dropped Lukas off with my parents today, so we can all have an adult-only party.”

_Or Bettina prefers Lukas not be around because I am here._

Though Frank and Claudia had no children, there was no point to take Lukas to the party. Kay wasn’t sure. After the dinner with Daniel, he had explained to Marc that the rumour was all his ex-husband’s doing, but Kay had warned him off. He knew Marc had talked to Bettina about it, but exactly what Marc had told her Kay didn’t ask. 

_Maybe the lot of them should just get off Facebook?_ Kay quietly fumed. _Bloody Daniel._ He felt naked, defenceless, felt like his past mistakes were all on display to a bunch of people who hadn’t given a shit about him back then.

When Kay didn’t immediately respond, Marc suddenly said, “you don’t have to come if you don’t feel comfortable. I know you are doing this for me, but it’s not a big deal. We can see Frank tomorrow on our own.”

Marc was offering him a way out. It was tempting, Kay would admit it. He could go running by himself in the forest and meet Marc later. Fuck the BePo assholes.

He met Marc’s worried gaze. _But no, I can’t do this to Marc._ Plus, Kay was sure everyone on that idiotic Facebook group already knew he’s coming, he’s not going to do a runner like last time. This time, he had Marc by his side.

“What? And miss all the fun?” Kay pretended to be outraged by the suggestion.

Marc grimaced.

Kay patted his cheek, mustered more enthusiasm than he felt. “don’t worry. I promise to laugh at all their bad jokes.”

Frank lived not far from Marc’s parents; the house looked similar too. Like a cookie cutter model for all respected citizens of Ludwigsburg. A mid-century style bungalow with patio and large back garden.

The party has already started when they arrived; Kay heard a Guns N’ Roses song from the 90s blasting from the garden.

Frank came out to greet them. He was about 20lbs heavier than Kay remembered, and he had a shot of grey hair around his temples. 

“Kay! Long time,” he shouted right next to Kay’s ear and gave him a bear hug

“Happy Birthday,” Kay said automatically, returning the hug. 

“Hey! Hands off my boyfriend, you big lug,” Marc laughed and gave Frank’s back a heavy pat.

Frank pulled away and swatted Marc on his head. “You are lucky. I could totally steal Kay away if I wanted to.”

“With what? Your beer-belly? How do you even still pass the physical test?”

“Fuck you. I passed the physical in flying colours.”

“The declining standards of BePo...”

Then the two hugged. “Happy birthday, you are officially old.”

“Thank you for making the trip,” Frank said to both of them, he glanced meaningfully at Kay, grinning.

There were already 8 to 10 people milling around in the garden. When they entered, there was a second or two of complete silence, something still in the air. Until Frank cracked a joke about Berlin invasion, then everyone started talking all at once and murmuring hellos. Kay recognised about half of them, he figured some of them joined after he had left. No signs of Bettina or Claudia yet.

Today’s weather wasn’t exactly for barbecue, but no one seemed to mind. Frank called Marc over to start fussing about setting up the new grill. Marc squeezed Kay’s arm gently before he jogged over. The grill was like a man-magnet, other male members began to gather around it too. Like it’s a spectacle. 

Moving away from a cloud of smoke and every man’s barbecue opinion, Kay walked to the two tables with drinks and glasses. There was no alcohol-free beer, so he picked a bottle of Apfelschorle. Just as he turned around, he found a brunette in a wavy bob and a pencil thin lanky man standing behind.

Bettina.

Both startled, they stared at each other. Kay blinked first. “Hi,” he nodded to Bettina. 

She returned a nod and said to the lanky man next to her, “Philip, this is Kay Engel, Marc’s boyfriend.” Her tone carried no inflection. 

Kay almost didn’t recognise her at first glance. It was more than the short hair and the faint lines on around her eyes, she had a different demeanour now - more confident, a little aloof. Granted, Kay had only seen her twice, at the bowling alley and that ill-fated party she invited him to. She had been glowing at that party, a new mother full of joy and hope. 

_She thought she was starting a new life with Marc 10 years ago. So did I._ Kay wanted to tell her. _So did I._

Kay shook hands with Philip. “Nice to meet you.” One of the skills of a good private investigator should possess was the ability to disarm and make people to talk to you, so Kay dug out his social skills and asked Philip about his job.

He was a quantity surveyor for a large construction company in Wolfsburg. Bookish and mild-mannered, he seemed a world different from Marc. Kay wondered if it was deliberate from Bettina’s part, to marry an anti-Marc. Then he remembered Bettina had commented that all of Marc’s boyfriends bore a resemblance to Kay... he wondered if Marc had pictures of those ex-boyfriends. 

“... as a city, Wolfsburg isn’t too bad, still a lot can be improved...”

Kay returned his attention to Philip. Once the subject was in his element, Philip came alive and started talking about city planning and German red tape. Kay offered his views on regeneration of old areas and new road designs which Philip returned with his own take on the expansion of cycle lanes. The whole time though, Kay could feel Bettina studying him, not overly obvious, but since he followed people for a living, he knew when he’s being watched. Her eyes were moving from Kay’s face, to his body, to the bottle of Apfelschorle in his hand.

Kay shifted his legs, he hoped Bettina wasn’t looking for signs of addiction on him. 

_Where the hell is Marc?_

The question barely left his conscious mind before the man suddenly appeared next to them, wearing a pair of large fireside gloves, all blackened already from handling charcoal. Marc greeted them with small nod, his gaze on Bettina’s briefly.

“That’s a serious grill you got there. Cast iron made?” Philip sounded amused. The only other man who wasn’t hovering over the new toy.

“Ceramic, but it still weighs a ton! I keep expecting it to drop on Frank’s toe.” Marc grinned, then turned to Kay. “Want to see our birthday gift in action?” He said, briefly touching his shoulder, smearing coal smudges on Kay’s white shirt.

Kay laughed. “Hey! Be careful!”

“Who wears a white shirt to a barbecue party?” Marc quipped, then threatened to wipe his hand on Kay’s shirt some more.

Kay jumped away, shaking his head. “Hey! You lunatic!” He warned, then couldn’t help but laugh.

There was an odd look on Bettina’s face, then her expression turned wistful. She took Philip’s elbow and said, “let’s go have a look. Frank will be talking about it for hours.”

Kay started to understand why Frank remained a close friend to Marc. He was a natural leader but at the same time, fun to be around. Frank was also tactful. He disarmed the gawking directing at Kay and Marc with a series of light banter and a few jokes at his own expense. Marc told him Frank has been promoted to Lieutenant after Eiden had retired. He commanded respect from other unit members - Marc and Kay were his guests, so everyone should respect them. 

Since apart from Marc, he didn’t know anyone or had any friends when he was in the BePo unit, Kay was regarded more as Marc’s other half at the party. It was the new members who seemed more curious about him, asked him about Berlin and his job. They seemed friendly enough, but Kay kept thinking of the Facebook group Daniel had insinuated himself into, saying things about him... he found it hard to relax.

“Kay Engel!”

Finally, another familiar face. Britt, looking tanned, pretty and healthy, ran up to him in excitement, she seemed to be the happiest one to see him.

“Hi Britt.” Kay said. After some awkward extending of hands and bodies clashing, they hugged.

By the time Kay left BePo, Britt was still smarting from being lied to, so Kay wasn’t sure how she felt about him over the years. Marc had mentioned that she had married and divorced twice. Maybe they shared something in common now. Kay grinned inwardly.

“When Frank told me you are coming I couldn’t believe it,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s not fair how good you and Marc look, you two haven’t aged. Look at the rest of us. Must be a Berlin thing.”

“Oi! Speak for yourself. I am still in my prime!” Frank yelled. 

Britt made a funny face to Frank and ignored him. Then she flashed a coy smile to Kay and said, “let’s go inside and get some ice. These drinks aren’t cold enough.”

“There is ice here - “ Marc began to say before Kay bumped his shoulder. Marc might have more intimate knowledge with women, but Kay had more gay genes than him. He knew that look - Britt wanted to be alone with him and talk.

“Sure, let’s go,” Kay said; he followed Britt inside.

Once in the kitchen, Britt opened the fridge like it was her own home and took out two bottles of beer. He shook his head when Britt offered him one.

“So, the rumour is true, you’ve been to rehab?”

Kay was taken aback by the directness. It’s not very tactful to ask an ex-addict a question like that, but Britt’s tone was brisk, without accusation.

Kay silently cursed Daniel again. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, it’s true. I’ve been clean and sober for five years,” he intoned.

At least Britt looked thoroughly horrified. “Scheiße, I am sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” she said with a pinched look. “In fact, I don’t care about that. I was just surprised someone was disclosing such details in their stupid Facebook group.”

“You’re not on it?”

Britt made an impatient sound. “Give me some credit. I have no time for that kind of thing. And I know what they’ve been saying about me and my failed marriages.”

Kay grimaced. That sucked. If there was one thing Kay was grateful to his parents, it was that their actions had made him stop giving a damn about other people’s opinions. Especially those who didn’t care about him.

“Let them talk,” Kay said. “Only people you love can hurt you.”

Britt simply nodded. “Isn’t that the truth.” She sighed, looking thoughtful. 

Kay waited.

Then a shy look flickered over her face. “Actually, I have a favour to ask you.”

******

Marc was watching and waiting for him outside the kitchen. Kay smiled and came to stand beside him. 

“Everything’s okay?” He asked softly, his arm came around his shoulders naturally, without hesitation. Kay made a quick sweep of the garden with his eyes. A few ex-colleagues by the table were looking at them, they seemed vaguely familiar, but Kay didn’t even remember their names. 

_So, fuck them. Let them look._

Kay nodded. Leaning into Marc’s hold a little. He smelled of charcoal, burned meat and mustard sauce, Kay grinned.

“What did Britt want from you?”

A strange request. “I will tell you tonight,” Kay said.

Marc looked at him sceptically, but he didn’t push.

They both ate more barbecue meat, then the birthday cake, had more drinks, answering and deflecting questions. It was a tiring afternoon, and they already had had a long evening with Marc’s parents the night before, but as the party stretched on and on, Kay began to relax, to lower his guard a little; to feel a little bit more hopeful.

Apart from Bettina and Philip, who were staying in Frank’s house, Marc and Kay were the last to leave the party. 

Kay hasn’t had a chance to be alone with Bettina until he took the glasses into the kitchen. She was doing the washing up.

“Are there anymore from the table outside?”

Kay gave a shake of his head. “I think these are the last couple of glasses.” He put them down on the kitchen counter next to the sink. 

He was about to leave. “Kay?” Bettina called. Her hands were still scrubbing the plates in the foamy water.

He turned to look at her.

“Marc told me about your ex-husband. What he did on Facebook.” She frowned, but she wasn’t looking at him. “I am sorry about making the assumption, I hope you understand where I am coming from.”

“I understand. You don’t have to worry; I will never put Lukas in harm’s way.”

She paused her washing and closed her eyes briefly, like she’s debating if she wanted to say something. “I’ve asked Claudia to block that Facebook account from our group.”

Kay nodded. He knew it wouldn’t stop Daniel if he really wanted to go back in, but it was nice gesture from Bettina.

“Marc is a good father. I trust his judgement,” she said, like delivering a final verdict.

Kay reckoned that’s her way of telling him she’s okay with him spending time with Lukas. 

“Thank you,” Kay said quietly.

Marc was waiting for him in the car in the passenger seat, since Kay was the designated driver. Even though it’s just down the road.

“Ready to go?” Marc asked.

Kay leaned over, wiped away a charcoal smudge under his chin with his finger. Then he pressed a kiss on Marc’s startled mouth.

It tasted like grilled meat. And Marc.

They pulled away. Marc was grinning, looking happy and a little tipsy. 

_Maybe I can do this. Maybe we will be okay._ Kay thought. Then he started the engine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and forth in this chapter. In the end, I've decided to leave out Limpinski at the party... but I reserve the right to bring that loser back 😝
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.


	24. Things We Do in the Forest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Kay go running  
> Marc returns to work
> 
> This chapter is in Marc's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Have a lovely weekend!

(Marc)

It was his back neckline. 

Kay was running just two steps ahead of him. Marc’s eyes fixed on the back of his head. The short blond hair blended and tapered seamlessly into the straight and symmetric back neckline. Not too fat or too lean; not too long or too short. Gracefully meeting the broad shoulders below. Just right. Perfect.

Marc remembered staring at the same back neckline 10 years ago and wondered if the spark of attraction had started from that moment. He had always known he was a terrible runner. Running was boring; it served no purpose. Marc had hated it. Then one day he laid eyes on that back neckline and suddenly he wanted to catch up, to get closer to its owner. He remembered feeling competitive, envious; he was nervous and short of breath. And he watched as the said back neckline getting further and further away on the running track. Unattainable. And he wanted it.

Marc grinned inwardly. Better not let Kay know he’s waxing lyrical about his damn neck. The man didn’t need another ego boost, he knew he’s attractive already.

Good that they’ve brought their running shoes with them to this trip. All the barbecue meat and drinks needed to go somewhere. They’ve both taken a couple of days off for this trip, making it their first holiday together. Marc hadn’t run in this area for a long time, their old route from the training academy days. He was certain it was longer for Kay, since he hadn’t set foot in Ludwigsburg for the last 10 years. It was a gamble. To allow good and bad memories a free run. 

Since Kay left, Marc had always run alone. Brigitte had expressed interest; Tim, one of his ex-boyfriends, had asked to join him too, but Marc never wanted to run with anyone else. 

“Should we take a break?” Kay dropped back to ask him.

“Tired already?”

Kay gave him a ‘don’t-get-cocky’ look and jogged to the clearing.

He lit up a cigarette, took a long drag and then passed it to Marc. Marc took it, he hadn’t smoked cigarettes for a while, but this felt like a ritual. He could feel Kay’s gaze on him as he inhaled, a faint smile on his face.

Yeah, sharing a cigarette or joint with Kay had nothing to do with nicotine.

Marc exhaled a string of smoke as memory rushed back - this was where Kay had done a smoking shotgun with him, where he had first kissed Marc. That initial shock. That tingling, electrifying sensation on Marc’s lips, he could still recall it, after all these years.

“I knew I scared the shit out of you,” Kay said. Without the need to explain. They were both thinking of the same memory. “That look on your face, I thought you were going to take a swing at me.” He had a sour grin on his face. “And it wouldn’t have been the first time that happened to me...” he trailed, “Or the last.”

“Kay...” Marc sighed. He reached out to touch his shoulder, turning Kay to face him. It worried him. They still haven’t talked about that night when Kay ran out on him; or the abuse Daniel inflicted on him. It hovered above them like a giant dark cloud. A lot of the times, sunlight broke through and they’d forget about it, but they both knew it’s still there, darkening their days, threatening to rain down on them.

But Marc knew he had to wait. Til Kay was ready. He wasn’t even sure if he could stay calm himself. Every time his mind got near just the outer layer, he wanted to hit Daniel with his bare hands.

Kay seemed oblivious to Marc’s dark thoughts, his eyes fixed on him, licking his lips. “I don’t regret taking the risk though. I’ve been dying to know what your lips taste like for a week by then.” He gave Marc a wry smile, like he was disclosing a secret he’s been hiding for years.

Marc stepped closer and held Kay’s face between his hands. “We should amend history then.” And he pressed his mouth against Kay’s.

Birds chirping and insects buzzing around, as their tongues mingled and swiped against each other. And just like that, the sunlight broke through, obliterating the darkness. Marc’s heart was full; he felt everything inside his chest was bursting, his rib cage knit together trying to hold it all in. He wondered what if he had returned the kiss back then... what if.

They heard distant sounds of footsteps and reluctantly pulled away. Kay’s fingers rubbed gently against his cheek; tenderness replaced the mischief earlier. They moved to sit on a small boulder.

“What was it that Britt want from you?”

They hadn’t had time to talk after the party, as Lukas ended up spending the night with his grandparents last night. They had all sat down to watch an old Japanese anime dubbed in German called “Totoro” on TV instead. Lukas was fascinated when Kay mentioned he had been to Japan. 

“Though I was in Tokyo and Osaka, not the countryside like in this cartoon. They have a lot of robots there,” Kay had said.

“I want to take Ziggy with me to Japan when I grow up,” Lukas announced. Ziggy was the robot he had built with the robot-building kit Marc had bought him.

Kay’s honeymoon with Daniel. Marc had thought sourly. He had the sudden urge to take Kay somewhere, maybe to the other side of the world.

**_“Taking off and starting over.”_ **

Kay had asked him that 10 years ago. 

They have already done the first part separately. Maybe they could do the second part together. _We still have time._

Marc’s mind returned to the present. “We didn’t have time to talk last night,” he said.

Kay had a funny expression on his face; he looked down and away. Marc could see a faint smile there, but it was quickly replaced by a frown, almost a grimace. _What the hell?_

“Britt wants to have a baby on her own. And... she asked if I would consider helping her,” Kay said slowly, rolling his eyes a little, looking bemused. “You know, as a sperm doner.”

“What?”

Kay lifted one shoulder, like the joke was on him.

Now Marc remembered Frank had mentioned it before, that Britt wanted to have a baby with one of her gay friends. Marc’s first instinct was to laugh because the idea sounded so crazy, but then an image of a tiny Kay-lookalike baby appeared behind his eyelids and he felt... giddy.

“What did you tell her?”

Kay shrugged again. “I told her I’ll think about it. What am I supposed to say? I don’t want to turn her down right away.”

Marc’s brow furrowed. “You don’t want to do it?”

“Why would she want to have my genes in her baby?” Kay snorted. Like it’s a silly idea.

Marc didn’t like the expression on Kay’s face, or the dismissive tone. “Why not?” He asked. Marc could guess Kay’s answer already and he felt his own heart slowly breaking.

Kay stared at him, like Marc was thick. “I am an ex-addict. It probably runs in my blood. Why would anyone want to have this... this weakness for their child?” He spat out, like he’s angry that he needed to spell it out for Marc.

Marc looked away and closed his eyes; he struggled to control the disquieting anger swirling in his chest. He wanted to rage against the world, he’s angry at Daniel, at Kay’s parents, at his ex-colleagues, at himself for causing this, for making Kay feel this way about himself.

Without a word, he yanked Kay to him, pressing his head against Kay’s shoulder, his arms going around, clinging him tightly. “Anyone would be proud to be you, to be like you. You’re the bravest, most beautiful person I know.”

Kay stood rigidly; his hands stayed on his sides for a few seconds. Marc waited. Letting his words worked their way, hoping they would get through to Kay. He continued to hold him tight. Not letting go. Finally, after a minute, Kay’s hand reached up, his fingers digging into Marc’s hair, brushing it. Marc could feel his body slowly relaxing, tension gradually sipping away.

“You know what I thought the first time I saw you?” Marc said against Kay’s neck, his voice croaked. 

Kay’s hands went still. “What?”

“I want to catch that guy.”

Kay snorted, then sniffled, like he’s trying to stop a runny nose. “You were hopeless, I was half a lap ahead of you in 10 seconds.” Kay’s voice was equally croaky.

They stayed like this for a long time, not bothered by the dogs’ barking, people’s faint chatting sounds around. 

“I could only wish I was half as brave as you are, you hear me?” Marc said before he finally pulled away.

******

“So that’s where you have been going every Tuesday and Thursday? The OstWest Group’s office?”

Kay nodded. “They are our biggest insurance client, I’ve been sitting in at their morning briefings twice a week, except when I was working in the task force. It’s kind of a client service from our part.”

“Even though you hate morning meetings,” Marc teased. He knew Kay liked to sleep in and the flexible working hours of P.I. suited him perfectly.

They were taking the 0813 train together today for the first time. Kay had spent the night in Marc’s apartment after they drove back to Berlin last night. Kay’s weekend bag, his clothes and toiletries were still in Marc’s apartment, he’s going to pick them up after work tonight.

_Why bothered going back and forth?_ Marc mused. His hand reached into his jacket’s pocket, to the spare key of his apartment. It’s been in his pocket for two weeks now. He wanted to give it to Kay; he wanted Kay to go to his apartment anytime he wanted. He wanted Kay to move in with him...

_If only we didn’t have that fucked up history with keys._ Marc winced inwardly.

“What?” Kay was watching him with mild curiosity. His face open and relaxed.

“Nothing.” Marc said. _Pussy._ He scolded himself. “Want to have dinner together tonight?”

Kay gave him a long, measuring look before he said slowly, “I want to go see Klaus this evening. I haven’t seen him for a week.”

“Of course.” Marc nodded and quickly reminded himself not to get jealous of an old frail man.

Maybe there was something on his face, because Kay’s face turned soft, then he said, “but maybe I can come by later, I have to get my bag anyway... will 10pm be too late, do you have early shift tomorrow?”

“Not late. I’ll be home.” Marc grinned. The key felt warm and heavy in his pocket. _Maybe tonight._ He thought.

When Marc got to the police station, he was surprised to find Mats Hartmann in Berger’s office.

“Who’s that tall guy?” Ginter sat on the edge of Marc’s desk. He reeked of perfume and his shirt was wrinkled. Marc slid his gaze away; he didn’t want to start a conversation with Ginter about his sexual adventure.

“Chief Inspector Hartmann from the Federal police, organised crime,” Marc answered, looking at his computer to check messages in his inbox. A lot of the emails while he was away was automatically forwarded to Ginter, so there weren’t many for him to follow up.

“Oh, from the joint task force?”

“Yes.”

Ginter smoothed his shirt with his hand, as if Hartmann would pay him any attention from inside Berger’s office. 

“My office.” Berger came out and gestured to the two of them.

Marc hadn’t seen Mats since that day at the courthouse, he looked every bit as imposing in one of his many dark grey suits. In fact, they looked quite similar to the ones Kay wore. Berger introduced Ginter to Hartmann; and for once, his new partner actually looked nervous.

“Marc.” Mats greeted him. “I was just telling Berger that your suspicion about Goretzska’s burglary case was valid. A few offices and residences of known associates of the Russian gang were also targeted.”

“Why are they doing this?” The question came from the curious Ginter.

Mats glanced at Ginter with a funny expression, not sure what he thought of Marc’s new partner’s eagerness, then he said, “could be an intimidation tactic. To show them they could mess with their families. A few cases could also be searching for incriminating evidence. The gang land is not a place for mutual trust.”

“That’s a reaction to the two higher ranking members being prosecuted.” Marc commented.

“Correct.” Mats nodded appreciatively. The task force might be over for Marc, but he knew Mats’ team was tightening on the Russian gang. The car theft discoveries have unearthed other smuggling activities; he knew Interpol was getting involved.

“Anyway, this is not just a friendly visit. I came here to warn you that two of the federal team members from the task force have also had their homes broken into.” Mats met Marc’s eyes. “We don’t know for sure if it’s related. But everyone involved should be careful. Especially those who are to give evidence, although it’s not likely that you or Nina will be called to give evidence again, but I thought you two should know.”

Marc had thought about that when they made the arrests, that the Russian gang would start targeting witnesses and even the gang members being charged. Kay’s involvement was limited, and he hadn’t been asked to appear in court, so he should be safe.

“Actually, one of the clubs I go to is Russian own, maybe I can get some feelers from my contacts there,” Ginter offered. “the Russian gang will have to go through me first if they want to mess with my partner.” He huffed. 

Marc highly doubted the girls Ginter met at that club had the potential to be his informants; he met Mats’ raised eyebrows uneasily. _I miss Nina._ “I will tell Nina as well,” he told the room.

Marc was accompanying Mats to the car-park when the tall man said, “Kay told me he had a good trip with you in Ludwigsburg. I am glad.”

That was quick. That meant Mats must have spoken to Kay during their trip. Marc had a funny feeling maybe he had underestimated just how involved Mats Hartmann was in Kay’s life; it looked like he was the person Kay confided in. Marc didn’t know how he felt about that. It was purely brotherly love between them, of course. But even that, Marc felt threatened and he knew it’s because Mats wasn’t just a friend, he’s Daniel’s brother.

He knew Kay visited Klaus with Mats together sometimes and Kay would go to his house for dinner with Sonja and their sons. But how did Daniel fit into this now, Marc wondered. 

Marc shook away the worry. They could deal with that later, he needed to concentrate on gaining Kay’s trust. He thought about the key in his pocket again.

“It went very well. Better than we both expected perhaps,” Marc answered.

Mats nodded, wrapping a silk scarf around his neck automatically, looking thoughtful. “Daniel is seeing a therapist. I insisted,” he told Marc.

Of course, Mats didn’t need to explain why he needed to see a therapist. Since Mats knew he knew, there’s was no point to hide the real cause for the breakdown of Kay and Daniel’s marriage. Marc was surprised. Daniel didn’t seem like the kind to seek help. Personally, he couldn’t care less if he gets better, he just wanted him to stay as far away from Kay as possible.

“I hope he gets better,” Marc forced himself to say.

“I hope so.” Mats gave him a small smile. “I really hope so,” he said again before finally got into his car.


	25. The Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc gives the key to Kay  
> Kay receives a letter  
> Kay receives an email
> 
> This chapter is in Kay's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some German words:  
> Mietskaserne - means tenement, also known as rental block. Berlin has a lot of such type of buildings. They were originally built for low-incoming tenants, but in recent decades, a lot of them were upgraded and renovated into high quality, even luxurious buildings - depends on the area. It's known for its equal-sized apartments, L-shape design and spacious rooms.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

(Kay)

>>looking for parking. Coming up in 2<<

Kay texted Marc. Sometimes it wasn’t easy to find street parking in Marc’s neighbourhood. He made another circle around the block and found a spot around the corner.

Marc was waiting downstairs by the entrance door when Kay got to his building. He was wearing a faded green t-shirt and his running shorts, his hair wet from a recent shower, his jawline clean shaven. They went upstairs and as soon as the door was closed, Marc kissed him. Kay spent a moment in his arms, inhaling Marc’s unique scent. He smelled like pine aftershave and freshly laundered cotton. He smelled like home.

“How’s Klaus?” Marc asked when they pulled away.

Tonight, it took a while before Klaus acknowledged Kay as his old cop buddy Fritz. Kay played along and listened to Klaus reminiscing some old detective stories that Kay had played no part in. He knew he’s losing Klaus little by little every day, any day now, Klaus would completely forget Kay’s existence. His heart getting heavier with that inescapable future; he felt helpless. 

He looked at the soft expression on Marc’s face and welcome the temporary refuge. “He’s good. I let him beat me at cards.” Kay smiled.

Marc went to the fridge and took out two bottles of alcohol-free beers. The brand that Kay liked. He noticed Marc has been stocking them at home. “They tasted just like real beer.” Marc had commented. 

It was a lie. Some of them tasted okay, but they weren’t the same as actual beer. But Kay appreciated what Marc was doing.

They sat together on the sofa with their feet up on the coffee table. The TV was on low volume, some TV comedy show rerun. Kay had recently noticed that Marc liked to watch old TV comedies to unwind.

“Want to watch something else?” Marc asked.

Kay shook his head. He lay his head on Marc’s shoulder, without further prompt, Marc wrapped his arm around him. This was comfortable. This felt as natural as breathing. Just sitting here watching TV, with Marc’s body touching his, Marc’s steady heartbeat vibrating against his side; Kay didn’t care what they were watching.

His eyes were about to close, when Marc said, “Mats was at the police station today.”

“Oh yeah? New development with the case?”

“Not exactly. Two federal police members’ homes were broken into, we think the Russian gang was behind them.”

Kay frowned. “Are you and Nina safe?”

Marc’s fingers were carding through Kay’s hair in a soothing manner, his voice calm and certain. “We were only involved in Podolski’s case and we’ve already testified, they won’t care about us.”

While this was true, Kay felt there was still a need to be vigilant, the Russian gang might not know they were no longer involved.

“How’s the security in this building?” Kay asked. Like a lot of residential buildings in Berlin, entrance door to Marc’s apartment building was closed between 9pm to 7am, only residents with key fob could go in during those hours, but with tenants coming and going, it relied on individual landlords to keep track.

“Front entrance is nothing special. We use a key fob. I have a multi-lock for my apartment, most burglars don’t bother to pick it,” Marc said.

_Multi-lock is a good deterrent to regular criminals._ Kay nodded. “No one else has your key? Cleaners? A neighbour? Your landlord?”

Marc shook his head. “I changed the lock when I moved in. By law, landlords aren’t allowed to have one.”

That’s what Kay thought too. “You can always add a security camera so you can monitor remotely, if you want,” he suggested. It was what he usually recommended to his clients.

When Marc didn’t answer, Kay sat up straighter and watched him. Marc had a funny expression on his face; he wet his lips, not meeting Kay’s eyes.

“What?” Kay felt he’s missing something.

Marc dug into his running shorts’ pocket. When he held out and opened his palm, there was a silver keyring with a key and a fob attached to it.

Kay stared at it.

“I want you to have a copy. Then I don’t have to go up and down.” Marc’s tone was light but there was a hint of nervousness in his voice.

**_“In case you ever need some space.”_ **

Kay could see the vulnerability on Marc’s face, and he understood that perfectly; he was in a similar position 10 years ago. To open your heart, unshielded, to another person. Kay hasn’t done it since.

Kay continued to stare at it; he was afraid to touch it.

“You think this is a good idea?” he finally asked after a few moments.

Marc turned sideways to face him. “I think it’s a great idea.” He bit his bottom lip. “We can’t avoid our past forever. Whatever happened, good and bad, it’s what made both of us today.”

Of course, everything Marc said made sense. If they were to move forward, this was the next step. It wasn’t like they weren’t sleeping in the same bed few times a week already. 

Kay also understood what Marc was saying about facing the past and accept the kind of persons they have become now; he just wasn’t sure if he liked the Kay Engel he has become today. 

_Scheiße, if Mats hears him talking like this, he’d have Kay to go see a therapist as well._

Marc was watching him. Waiting for him.

If Marc had given him the key before the Ludwigsburg trip, Kay wouldn’t even have considered it; he would have run away. Because that would be easier. It’s called giving up and it was always easier.

Without a word, Kay reached for the key; he was half expecting Marc to close his palm like Kay had done. But Marc simply pressed the key into Kay’s hand and closed his own hand around it. 

The key felt heavy and secure in Kay’s palm. 

For someone who had run away like the devil was chasing him after getting a hand-job from another man, Marc was never shy about making love with the lights on. In the early days, Kay also wanted the lights on because he wanted to look at Marc when they made love, couldn’t believe this handsome man was finally in his bed; and he wanted Marc to know he’s with a man. 

“You were bossing me around, I had to make sure I was doing it correctly.” The corners of Marc’s eyes crinkled. They had the lights on too, tonight.

Kay laughed. “You were a good student,” he quipped, pulling said ex-student down for a dry kiss on the lips. Marc returned the kiss with gentle insistence, his tongue probing and seeking permission to enter; Kay parted his lips and they kissed unhurriedly, sighing into each other’s mouth. Marc’s hand grazed the flank of Kay’s body, touches so light they were like butterfly kisses. This carried on for minutes, both taking it slowly, like they were marking the occasion.

When the touches finally turned short and fierce, the switch was swift, Kay was gasping and groaning against Marc’s neck. They clung hard against each other, rubbing and pulling with hands and legs, like two shipwreck survivors riding the rough water together, in a sea of pleasure; relentless and against all odds.

Kay came first, his whole body spasmed and shuddered, like emerging from high tides, breathless. Marc followed with a shout, his eyes shut closed; his hands closing on Kay’s, his mouth tight against Kay’s neck, muttering in ecstasy, “oh god... my baby... oh god...” leaving a puddle of sweet stickiness between them. 

Marc huffed, shaking his head a little to keep the stray strands of hair out of his eyes; he had a boyish smile on his face when he looked down. Kay pushed Marc’s hair back with one hand and cupping his face with the other. They grinned at each other, like two love-fools.

When they finally turned off the lights and the darkness descended, Kay was warmly cocooned in a tangle of limbs, safely tugged back against Marc’s broad chest.

A faint ambulance siren passed by outside, filtered through the double-glazed windows.

“Maybe one day we can move to live near a forest. Go running in the morning and only sounds of owls and insects at night,” Marc murmured.

They both understood the key wasn’t just for easy access, that they were working towards moving in together.

“I’d like that,” Kay answered.

For the first time since they got back together, Kay found that he was standing on solid ground. Not rocky or unbalanced, not staring into the unknown, but something with a foundation.

******

The news came unceremoniously on a Saturday morning, a letter delivered by a private courier company.

Marc had a morning shift that day, so Kay was alone at home. He opened the plain envelope addressed to him, inside were a post-it note and a single sheet of paper informing him a court date for the divorce proceedings. Daniel had apparently instructed their lawyers to book a court date. Of course, he hadn’t told Kay he was going to do that. He probably hadn’t told Mats either.

Putting down the document, Kay leaned against the kitchen counter and expelled a long sigh. This felt almost like an anti-climax, but he was glad it’s finally over. Almost over. The court date was still nearly two months away.

The letter was forwarded by Daniel, the court document had been sent to their former house in Charlottenburg, dated 2 days ago. The attached post-it note had Daniel’s handwriting, it read >> _I can whisper in your ear, I can write a calendar year, I can wing around your Saturn smile, shout at the moon_ <<

They were lyrics from a R.E.M. song called ‘You’, they had listened to that song often when they were together; even played it at their wedding reception. It’s one of Daniel’s favourite songs. Like a lot of things in their relationship, it was Daniel’s choice, it became their song because Daniel wanted it to be.

He called Daniel. The call was forwarded to his personal assistant who said Daniel was out of the country. Kay didn’t leave a message.

******

As fate would have it, a week after Kay had accepted the key, both of them were snowed down with work; they both had to work well into the evening. Marc and Ginter were assigned to investigate a series of grand theft in shops around the Kreuzberg area. And Kay had a new case which required evening surveillance, so he was out from 6-10pm nearly every night.

Like reading a sign, at first Kay had considered it a breather, a little brake on the pedal. Things have been moving fast between them the last few weeks. But after a week, he started to miss Marc. The daily things, the nightly or the morning routines they’ve slowly built up at irregular intervals.

The lawyer’s call about the court date came the following Monday after Daniel’s letter, telling him it should be a simple procedure on the day, because they had no children and Kay made no claim to share Daniel’s assets. Once they signed and the judge approved it, it would only take a couple of months to formalise it.

Mats looked relieved when Kay told him. “Daniel didn’t tell you first?” Kay asked when they met for a quick lunch near the Federal police headquarters.

“No, he is still busy with his start-up’s buyout negotiation. He’s living between Berlin and Palo Alto these days.”

“Do you know if the therapy is helping him?” Kay wanted to believe a person can change. He did. Daniel could too, if he really wanted to.

Mats met his eyes over the rim of his coffee cup. “He says his therapist suggests that you join them for one session, but Daniel isn’t sure. He thinks it might be too painful for you.”

Kay considered for a moment. With Daniel, he just couldn’t be sure, but at the same time, he did owe him for getting his life back. “I will if that helps.” He would do it, if only for Mats and Klaus.

“He’d appreciate that.” Mats sighed, shaking his head a little. “But maybe after the court date? I don’t want Daniel to get his hopes up. He needs to know it’s over between you two.”

Kay nodded.

“Hey. I know a place with good Swabian food.” Kay said as soon as he heard Marc picking up the phone.

“Hey.” Marc’s voice sounded strained. “Sorry about tonight.” Marc kept his voice down. “But I have to work, we are following up on a tip-off.” He sounded tired and slightly irritated. Kay could imagine working long hours with Ginter would be challenging.

“I figured you might be.” Kay kept it light, tried to hide his disappointment. It’s unfair, they both have non 9-5 office jobs, this was bound to happen. Crimes don’t happen 9-5 only. But this has been the 3rd time Marc had to cancel their dinner plan in two weeks.

“Well, you have the key now, we can meet at home later?” Marc suggested. But Kay didn’t want to wait for Marc in his apartment, that kind of loneliness sometimes reminded him of the old days when he was waiting for Marc to show up. At least in his own apartment, he could do his own things, not waiting by the door like a little wife. 

On the other hand, they haven’t slept in the same bed for almost a week now...

“OK, I’ll bring some takeaway to your place, you can heat it up later if you are still hungry,” Kay said.

At 8:30pm, Kay got to Marc’s building, he was just closing the main entrance door when a woman with silky auburn red hair and cute freckles on her face, came down from the staircase.

“Oooh, not yet! Please leave it open. I’ll close the door when it’s 9pm,” she explained, flashing him a smile.

And before Kay could reply, she added, “my son is coming back from football practice in a bit. I don’t let him keep a fob. You know, kids lose keys every day.” She rolled her eyes.

“Of course.” Kay nodded politely and proceeded to walk past her.

“Actually, I haven’t seen you around much. Do you mind me asking which floor you live in?”

Marc lived in an upgraded, renovated Mietskaserne building favoured by a lot of modern families in the city. It’s not the biggest block of its kind, but still four storeys high and four apartments on each floor, with a shared courtyard in the middle. Known for its spacious and utilitarian design, Kay had never bumped into a neighbour until now.

“3rd floor, I am visiting a friend.”

The redhead reached out her hand. “I am Mia from the 1st floor, by the way.”

“Kay,” he returned.

“Oh, 3rd floor. Are you a friend of Marc, by any chance?”

Kay nodded. Now he had a better look at the woman, he realised she’s quite attractive. Late twenties or early thirties, Kay couldn’t tell. She’s petite like Bettina; she has milky skin with freckles on her cheeks and nose bridge, the kind that look more like a beauty feature than genetics. 

“My son Jonas used to play football with Lukas when he visited. But I guess Lukas has grown out of football.”

Kay nodded again. Didn’t know what to say. “Yes, he’s into video games now.” He cleared his throat, gesturing with his hand to the staircase. “Anyway, nice meeting you. Have a good evening.”

“You too,” she replied cheerfully, her eyes dropped to the key in his hand, the smile on her face slipped just a little.

When he got to the 3rd floor, Kay found two jars of cranberry conserve outside the door with a note attached. He knew they were cranberry because it said so on the handmade label on the jars. Courtesy of, of course, Mia from the 1st floor.

He put away the extra takeaway he saved for Marc in the fridge, plus a few grocery items he bought, seeing Marc was running out of butter and bread last time he was here. And left the two jars of jam on the kitchen counter with the note. 

_Marc Borgmann - the yummy-mummy magnet._ Kay was tempted to add a remark on the note.

He sat down with his laptop and began to catch up on some paperwork, like filling in expenses and billing hours to charge clients, the realistic but boring part of the P.I. business. Kay has been reporting to the other partner of the company since Klaus has gotten sick two years ago, he would like Kay to take on more managerial and client servicing role, what Klaus had used to do, but Kay didn’t want to give up field works yet. 

Three expense reports and a week worth of billing hours later, he checked the time, it was nearly 11pm. Still no sign of Marc.

Kay began to clean up the table and bag up the trash. When he heard a ting sound, he thought Marc has texted him, but it was an email alert on his laptop.

It’s a new email from a group email address. When he was working in the taskforce, he was given access to two group email addresses, one shared with the Federal team, one shared with the Landespolizei team, which was basically Kay, Marc and Nina. But Kay thought they would have taken him off the group recipients list by now, since he was off the taskforce.

The new email was sent to the Landespolizei group email address, the sender was... Ginter?.

>> _Nice work, Marc! I have underestimated you, partner. Yeah! - Ginter_ <<

Kay chuckled. Ginter probably sent it to a wrong email address by mistake. Kay started to forward the message but stopped midway. Marc was on the group email; he would have seen the email. Although Kay was dying to know about the case they were working on.

He returned to the kitchen and took the trash bag downstairs. Like Mia had promised, the front entrance door was now closed. On his way up, his mobile vibrated in his pocket. Marc has finally texted him. >> _fuck me. still stuck with Ginter. another hour. don’t wait up. love u_ <<

Kay smiled at the message and texted back >> _i feel for u. love u too_ <<

There was another new email to the Landespolizei group email when he went back in.

It was from Ginter again. And again, a one line message: >> _I won’t tell your better half, if you won’t tell mine *smug smile emoji*_ << Underneath it, there was an attachment icon. Kay double clicked on it. 

It was a photo. Very dark but not blurry. The only source of light was from a red and purple coloured spotlight above. In the photo, Marc was sitting in the middle, a woman wearing a gold satin slip dress was sitting next to him. Actually, she’s sitting half on him. Marc was grinning and looking at her, her head leaning very close to his, they were talking. Kay could tell from the table and the sofa that they were in some kind of nightclub. The expensive kind.

Kay closed the email. And then the laptop. He sat on the sofa motionless for a few minutes. 

Then he slowly stood up, put the laptop back in his backpack. Closed the windows, turned off all the lights, locked up and left Marc’s apartment.


	26. The Photos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Ginter at the nightclub  
> Marc's frustration as he finds out Kay has left  
> Kay confronts Daniel
> 
> This chapter is in both Marc and Kay's POV, as indicated by ( )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter than I planned and it's quite "plotty", but it's necessary, I think, so I hope you will bear with me. It is getting close to where I want to leave them in this story. Won't be too long.
> 
> Enjoy. And thank you for reading ;-)

(Marc)

“Ginter! What the hell are you doing?” Marc hissed.

Ginter lowered his mobile phone. A cheeky smile on his red-face - he had ignored Marc’s warning and drunk at least two glasses of the free Dom Perignon champagne offered on the table - he said, “what do you old people say? A Kodak moment?” And continued to snap photos of Marc and Katya.

“New partner?” Katya whispered in Marc’s ear. Marc replied with a discreet nod. She’s acting flirty with Marc in order to fend off Ginter. Marc almost wanted to apologise to her.

Coming here was a mistake. They should have passed the tip-off to the Federal police, to Mats’ team right away. But no, Ginter wanted to have a look first, to make sure it wasn’t nothing. “We will look like amateurs if we pass on useless tip-off to the big boys, let’s check it out first.” The rationale he used to convince Marc.

So here they were, in a high end Russian owned nightclub in Mitte, because Ginter’s bartender friend said he heard some Russian gang members talking about doing a series of burglaries and this club was their hangout.

Marc knew the club was already in police’s radar 10 minutes after they sat down, he spotted an ex-colleague he knew before from another precinct. Katya Sommer, she was half Russian, half German and spoke fluent Russian. She’s also doing undercover there as the club’s VIP area hostess, probably for another case. Marc kept the discovery to himself, knowing Ginter was not to be trusted.

The best course of action was to turn around and leave, they shouldn’t interfere with another on-going investigation. But the club owners and the gang members have already seen them entering, so they needed to stay at least for a while, so as not to arouse suspicion. Both for Katya and themselves.

Two hours and a merry-go-round of girls asking them for invite to the VIP area later, Marc was ready to go home. He’s mindful that Kay was waiting at home or sleeping in his bed already. That image was enough to make him scolding Ginter when he tried to order another round of drinks.

Katya checked in with them again just before midnight. “I’ll contact Berger if I hear anything about the break-ins, now get out before your partner starts babbling to other girls,” Katya whispered in Marc’s ear.

By the time the uber taxi took him home, it was nearly 1am. Marc carefully sniffed his shirt collar, whatever brand of perfume Katya was using, it’s all over his neck and shirt. 

_Scheiße._ But it’s okay, he was going to tell Kay and have a laugh together about it.

The apartment was pitch-dark and dead quiet. There was no light beneath the bedroom door either. He figured Kay must be sleeping.

Strange. Kay usually left the light under the kitchen cabinets on because he liked to drink cold water from the fridge if he woke up in the middle of the night. Marc turned the light on and saw two jars of jam on the kitchen counter, in a prominent position. Unmissable.

_Scheiße._ Kay must have met Mia. The pretty single mother’s intention was plain and clear, but Marc didn’t want to start something near where he lived when he had no intention to carry it further.

Marc tiptoed into the bedroom. Pitch-dark there too. By then he knew. That the bedroom was empty. Kay was not here.

_Scheiße_. He took out his mobile phone, there was no new text message from Kay. He read the last text from Kay again: >>i feel for you. love u too<<

_Where is Kay? Has he gone home after sending the text? But why? An urgent case he needed to attend to?_ Marc speculated unconvincingly. Kay would have texted him if that’s the case. 

Marc was irritated, tired and worried. He bit his lower lip, tried to decide what to do. When he opened the fridge for a bottle of water, he saw the takeaway box, the new bottle of milk and a tub of butter. He glanced at the kitchen clock and decided to call Kay.

The call went to voice mail after seven rings. Marc knew sleep would be impossible until he found the man. He recalled the dread that had plagued him all night last time, when Kay had run out of his apartment, destination unknown. 

Fuck it. He’s going to Kay’s home.

Marc began putting on shoes and reaching for his car key. Then his phone vibrated. A text message from Kay.

>> _pls don’t worry. I just need some time alone. I will call u soon_ <<

Marc read the text twice; word by word, like it was written in a foreign language that he didn’t understand.

>> _something’s wrong?_ << he finally texted back, his finger itching to press call, his heart beating hard against his rib cage. 

After almost a minute, Kay replied, pleading. >> _please, I need to think. just give me some time. do this for me_ <<

Marc clenched the mobile tight in his fist, almost crushing it; he wanted to hurl it across the living room; he wanted to charge into Kay’s apartment, to tell Kay to wake the fuck up, to ask him what is there to think about? That they are doing well, they are doing great! They belong together, can’t Kay see that?

He slid down on the floor, his back against the kitchen island. Tears of frustration poured out without warning. 

Weeks and months of emotions swirling in his chest. The uncertainty, the guilt, the enormous worry that it was too late have been hanging over his head all this time. Just when he thought they were putting all of them behind... and now this. Marc wiped the tears away with his shirt sleeves, sniffled, tried to regain some composure for no one. Just himself, alone in his apartment. His mind unwillingly returned to the day when he broke down Kay’s door in Ludwigsburg and found the apartment completely empty. His whole life, gone in that single moment.

He pressed his palms against his eyes, began to retrace their steps, to look for clues. Could it be Mia? What has she said to Kay? Nothing happened between Marc and Mia. Jesus, Marc was actually relieved that Lukas didn’t want to play football anymore, so he had an excuse to fend off Mia. Kay was too proud to admit it, but Marc knew he was a little spooked by Brigitte. That offhand comment he made about how his parents must have really liked Brigitte, that was Kay’s insecurity talking. While it stroked Marc’s ego, he knew how fragile was Kay’s belief that it could work between them; the last thing they needed was petty jealousy to complicate things.

_Fuuuuuuccccck! Why does it have to be like this? Why is it always so hard with Kay?_

_It’s hard because you love him, because he’s the only one that matters; it’s hard because he’s worth it._ The rational part of his brain told him what he had already known.

******

“I am sorry, but I did what?”

Marc heard Ginter shouting at the I.T. technician. 

“Did you forward any Landespolizei emails to your private email address and read them on a private device?”

“What private device?” Ginter’s voice turned a notch lower.

The I.T. technician rolled his eyes and pointed to the mobile phone on his desk. “Like this one? This is not a police issued mobile phone.”

Ginter grabbed his iPhone and held it to his chest. “I am not using your Android shit for my own things.”

“Well, but you should know you’re not allowed to download any work documents or work emails to your private device. They are not secured by us.”

The I.T. technician held out his hand; Ginter grumbled and reluctantly gave his iPhone to him.

“Marc? Can we check your work mobile and laptop as well?”

Marc nodded, only half listening. He was still rattled by what happened last night. He wanted to demand explanation from Kay, not this I-will-call-you-later excuse. They’ve passed that kind of bullshit now, Marc thought. 

He moved away to let the I.T. guy to unplug his laptop and took the mobile phone on the desk. 

Marc had woken up in a foul mood after twisting and turning in bed, had barely gotten a few hours of sleep. Then he got a text alert from Berger, ordering him to come into the police station by 10am, even though his shift wouldn’t start until noon. Security evaluation, Berger wrote on the text.

“Can you believe this shit?” Ginter said to Marc.

“What did you do? Did you let in some computer virus with your porn? Or donated to a Nigerian prince? Something must have triggered it.” Judging by the I.T. guy’s attitude, Marc was sure it was Ginter’s devices they wanted to check. They took Marc’s as well, just to be sure.

“Fuck you. I’ve done no such things.”

Marc shook his head. “But you have forwarded work emails to your mobile, haven’t you? Like the I.T. guy said.”

Ginter flushed, rubbing his neck. “I might have.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, I do everything on my iPhone.”

Marc scowled at him. “And you didn’t notice anything funny? Something must have happened for them to do a sudden security check.”

Ginter simply shrugged. “No one stole money from my bank account. And I am too low ranking to be handling sensitive materials.”

_Something was not right._ Marc could feel it. Before their shift started, I.T. have returned their laptops and phones. 

“Ginter’s iPhone has been cloned. But all the police-issued devices are safe.” The I.T technician gleefully informed them. “We couldn’t trace who was responsible though, it was done quite sophisticatedly. But you need to call your network provider and wipe your precious iPhone clean.”

_The idiot._

Ginter’s face turned red and he tried to convince everyone it was probably his girlfriend who have compromised his mobile. “She’s always checking my text messages,” he protested.

“Can you blame her?” Marc snorted. Then he went into Berger’s office to give him the update. “What prompted the security check anyway?” He asked.

Berger looked up from his lunch, chewed and swallowed before he said, “Chief Inspector Hartmann called this morning and said we should have a look, just in case. So, I assume they had a breach in the Federal team task-force.”

******

(Kay)

Just as Kay had predicted, the key still worked. 

It was typical of Daniel. Too arrogant to change the lock of the house they used to share. He had been so sure Kay would come back after a few months of cooling off. A few months of apologies, gifts and empty promises.

Kay stepped inside the house in Charlottenburg. Nothing has changed. Every surface spotless, everything in its place. Same Scandinavian minimalist interior. _He changed the sofa._ Kay noticed. The white leather sofa with Kay’s blood on it was replaced by a clean lines brown leather one. 

Kay sat down on it and waited.

Daniel’s personal assistant still owed him a favour or two, so it wasn’t hard to get Daniel’s itinerary from her. The plane had landed 45 minutes ago, so he should be home in 15 minutes.

Mats had wanted to come with him today, worried about Kay being alone with Daniel in their old home. But what Mats didn’t understand was, Kay was never afraid of Daniel’s punches, those were nothing comparing to the daily damage Daniel inflicted on his mind, slowly chipping away his confidence, his sense of self-worth, until his world was centred and narrowed down to Daniel only. This was Kay’s mess and he had to own it.

And he needed to stay focused. That’s the only way to deal with Daniel. He couldn’t afford to be like last night...

Kay remembered the surge of chaotic, confused emotion when he saw that nightclub photo. Jealousy, hurt, disbelief; each fighting its way to invade his mind. He had been 100% sure the person in the photo was Marc because he would recognise that smile anywhere, but he also didn’t look like Marc. That ridiculous nightclub setting and the cheesy sitting on his lap kind of flirting - that wasn’t’ the Marc he knew. 

But then... did he really know Marc? After 10 years? Kay couldn’t stop the ugly doubt surfacing. They had barely been together for a few months 10 years ago, and another few months now. Did he really know Marc Borgmann? The person who had dropped him without a second thought last time? 

One thing he knew for sure was that there was no way he could face Marc calmly after seeing that photo; whether Marc would be telling him lies or the truth. He had to leave.

So, Kay left Marc’s apartment in a haze of despair. He was stunned by how quickly, how easily, everything had fallen apart in a matter of seconds.

It was only after he had gotten back to his own home, he felt brave enough to read that email again. Apart from Marc didn’t act like Marc in the photo, there was something else bothering him about the emails, but he couldn’t pinpoint what exactly.

Kay took a shower to clear his head, letting the warm water rained down on him, rubbing away the self-doubt that plagued him in moments like this. The niggling feeling he had was not just jealousy; he felt like he was being played.

But by whom?

Years of being with Daniel had its own advantages - Kay’s tech knowledge was a lot better than the average person; it has also been useful in his line of work. He knew how to detect phishing emails.

Pushing aside his personal feelings, Kay began to examine the offending emails objectively. At first glance, the email name and address both looked legitimate from Landespolizei. He clicked the ‘show original’ function to check the header information. He knew he only needed the domain name and IP address in the received field and the validation results in the Received-SPF field.

And sure, it was generated from a spoofing site. It was very cleverly done as well, because the domain name of the spoofing site also looked like the Landespolizei server, just one alphabet misspelled.

Kay knew right away. Who could have done this.

This still didn’t explain why Marc had a scantily dressed woman sitting on his lap, but by then, white hot anger and adrenaline were pounding in his chest. Whatever Marc might or might not have done hardly seemed to matter.

Then came Marc’s call and texts. 

It took Kay every ounce of his restrain not to run back to Marc’s apartment, to ask him, to get that part of the truth from him. But he couldn’t. Bigger things were at risk. If Daniel had known enough to pretend to be Ginter, even managed to get Ginter’s personality and tone so accurately, he could also have been monitoring Marc’s phone as well. He couldn’t risk the chance of letting Daniel know he’s been caught. Not yet. Not before he had full knowledge of what Daniel had done. 

Kay thought of the threats from the Russian gang and his heart stopped. He glanced at the clock. 2am. But this couldn’t wait. He had to wake up Mats...

The sound of the lock turning informed Kay of Daniel’s arrival. He stood up from the sofa just as Daniel, in a pale blue Hugo Boss suit jacket walked into the living room.

“Schatz?” Daniel slow his steps. He looked surprised. But not THAT surprised. He probably had anticipated that Kay would contact him after those emails.

The slow smile on his face as he walked towards Kay showed that he thought Kay was here for a different reason; that his plan had worked.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Why didn’t you give me a call first?” His hand tentatively reached out, brushing Kay’s arm.

Kay studied his face. How had he spent years with this person? Shared the most intimate part of himself with this person, letting this person in. Daniel knew him inside out, his fears, his weaknesses, everything. And for a few years, Kay had given him everything. Body and soul. And in return, Daniel had been destroying him; he was still destroying him.

Kay smiled inwardly, he’s glad that at least he had never given Daniel his heart. That had been given away and thrown away by someone else 10 years ago.

“I told you,” Kay said quietly. His eyes fixed on Daniel.

Daniel’s smile slipped.

“I told you I’ll make you regret it and you just went ahead and did it anyway.”

Daniel’s jaw moved. Kay could hear the gear in Daniel’s head turning, calculating, evaluating to see how much Kay already knew and if he should just show his hand.

“Did you ask him how long he’s been fucking that woman?”

Kay flinched involuntarily. Fuck. That was a clever punch from Daniel. Straight to where it hurt the most.

“Maybe he’s tired of dicks and now want some pussies again. Who knows?” Daniel shrugged before he grinned smugly. “Oh no, you should know. You were there 10 years ago when he did the same thing.”

“Shut. Up.” Kay said in that dangerously quiet voice again. His steely gaze back on Daniel. “This isn’t about Marc. This is about you and me.”

That broke Daniel’s cool façade. “You belong with me!” Daniel raised his voice. He took hold of Kay’s shoulders, shaking him. “Don’t you see what I am trying to do, Schatz? I am showing you the reality. That guy is going to hurt you. Again! If I need to hack into someone’s phone so I can bring you the truth, then so be it.”

Kay raised both of his arms roughly and got out of Daniel’s hold; he turned away. There was no point trying to reason with Daniel.

He reached into his backpack on the coffee table and pulled out a A4 padded envelope. Daniel watched him. Questions in his eyes.

Kay reckoned he had no clue. No digital copies. Kay kept pure old-fashioned hard copies. Mats had another set in a safety deposit box.

He laid out the photos on the coffee table.

Daniel swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. For the first time, Kay saw something close to grief on Daniel’s face. He stared at the photos like he thought they were papers condemning him to hell, then took them with trembling fingers.

When Kay was in the hospital, he refused to see Daniel. He knew Daniel was waiting outside his room the whole night and the next day after he found out Kay had been hospitalised. Mats had kept him out and had Sonja staying with Kay in the room. After he was discharged, Mats found him a rental to live in temporarily; he wouldn’t tell Daniel where Kay was.

It was a month later before Kay faced Daniel again, and by then, he had hired lawyers to file for divorce. 

So, it was very possible that Daniel had never seen the extent of his injuries. Until now.

This was confirmed by the look on Daniel’s face. That Daniel didn’t know; or he didn’t remember, the details of the injuries. “You don’t remember, do you? What you did.” Kay asked dully. For Kay, it wasn’t the physical injuries that hurt. Concussion, bruises healed, swelling subsided, they weren’t permanent. But that night, Kay had been ready to kill him; he had been driven to that point and he knew no amount of apologies or promises could heal that kind of wound. It was irrecoverable.

“I will take these to the press.” Kay said and let the threat hang in the air.

“Millionaire tech wunderkind who beat up his husband; the tech industry’s gay icon guilty of domestic assault,” Kay tried out a couple of headlines for Daniel. His tone cold and merciless. “That is better than pressing charges because good lawyers can’t help you with such scandal. I don’t care if my name gets trashed in the process. This whole time, I didn’t want to use them because I know it will hurt Klaus - even if only when he has a moment of clarity. And Mats. Your family. They didn’t deserve this.”

He wanted to wait until Daniel looked at him again before he delivered the next blow, but Daniel’s eyes were still glued to the photos. Kay said, “Don’t even think about discrediting me. Mats would back me up. He was the one who took the photos at the hospital that night. ‘As an insurance’ he told me. Mats knew you’d give me a hard time if I tried to leave you. Your own brother knew, even back then, what kind of person you are.”

For a few minutes, neither said anything.

“Kay, I didn’t...” Daniel finally looked up and began to say. Paused. His eyes went back to the photos again. “I don’t remember that. You have to believe me. I... Jesus.... I only remember I was so mad, so... “he screwed his eyes shut. “I was blinded by rage... I just wanted you to... Scheiße... I remember the slap and chasing you... “ he gulped. “Fuck... I punched your head, didn’t I? And the next thing I remember, you were holding a knife. Fuck!!” He dropped the photos on the floor and collapsed on the sofa, holding his head in his hands.

Kay looked at him. At this point, whether this was genuine shock or remorse, Kay couldn’t tell and didn’t care. He thought he has repaid whatever debt he owed Daniel.

“Leave me and Marc alone. Stop whatever you’re doing to him or his colleagues. Or these go straight to Der Spiegel,” Kay threw out his demand. His threat.

It was another minute before Daniel finally gave a tight nod. Admitting defeat. Now he wouldn’t even look at Kay. 

“Did you hack anyone else? They are investigating the Russian gang, for god’s sake. You’re putting Mats in danger as well.”

Rubbing his hands together, Daniel said, “don’t be silly. I am not stupid. I won’t mess with the police stuff.” When talking about his hacking skills, he returned to his usual supercilious self for a second. “Ginter is an idiot and an easy target.” He chuckled ruefully. “But your Marc has been surprisingly clean. I almost gave up until I saw those photos in the nightclub.”

Kay slowly absorbed this; he was saving that nightclub photo for later, so he could lick that wound in private. This part, he believed Daniel; Kay knew he just couldn’t help it. If you showed Daniel a weakness, he’d exploit it.

“The court date. Is that a stunt too? To make me believe you’ve changed?”

Daniel looked out to the garden through the window, he laughed suddenly. A sharp and acidic one. “Honestly? I don’t know,” he said.

Drained and exhausted, Kay walked to the front door; he put his hand on the door handle, his back to Daniel. “What about the therapist wanting me to join one session? Is that even a real request? Are you even seeing a therapist? How many lies are you telling us? Telling Mats?”

Kay pulled open the door and left. He didn’t need to hear Daniel’s answer. It wouldn’t matter.

******

(Marc)

When his cell phone vibrated on the nightstand, it was after 1am. Marc jerked awake, pressed Answer. On the other side of phone line, Kay said, “I know it’s late and you must be tired, so if you want to go back to sleep…” Kay’s voice sounded muffled over the phone.

“Where are you?” Marc asked. Call it his sixth sense, he had a feeling Kay was nearby.

After a beat. Kay answered, “I am outside.”

“What? My door?”

“Yeah...”

Marc dropped the mobile in bed, peeled away the duvet and jumped out of bed. He threw open the front door. 

Kay, bloodshot eyes, dishevelled hair and a wrinkled grey shirt, was leaning against the adjacent wall with his hands behind him. He stood up straighter.

Marc took one step and hugged him. “Why didn’t you use your key?”

Kay closed his eyes, returning a tighter hug. Marc felt a sigh grazing the side of his neck. “I was afraid you might slam the door in my face. I know you must be mad at me,” Kay mumbled.

Marc was. Or he had been. 

But whatever wrath or grievance he had, fell away as he looked into Kay’s eyes, seeing the pain, the worry there. “But I still love you even when I am mad at you,” he said instead, kissing the side of Kay’s head.

“Come on,” he took Kay’s hand and they went inside.


	27. Coffee and Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Kay share breakfast (a fairly long one) 
> 
> This chapter is in Marc's POV first, then Kay's.
> 
> *contains explicit content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter of serious talk and some TLC.  
> I hope you'll enjoy it. Thank you for reading ;-)

(Marc)

His hair was mussed but it wasn’t from any hair product. It was from the rain. Marc began to notice Kay’s shirt was also slightly wet, traces of rain splatter on the bottom part of his trousers. 

It has been drizzling for hours outside.

“Did you walk here?” Marc asked; he belatedly notice Kay was shivering.

Kay nodded, giving him a weak smile. 

“From where?”

Kay didn’t answer the question, he said instead. “I want to clear my head a little.”

Marc retrieved a towel from the bathroom and proceeded to dry Kay’s hair, then wrapped it around him.

Conflicting emotions squeezed Marc’s heart so hard, he thought it would simply stop beating. Those weren’t empty words when he told Kay he still loved him even when he was mad. But they couldn’t keep doing this, Kay couldn’t shut him out every time he felt unsure about their future.

“You know even if you decide this doesn’t work, can you at least tell me to my face this time? I don’t want some text messages or coming home one day and find you gone,” Marc blurted. He watched Kay carefully. “I think I deserve that much.”

The bleak look on Kay’s face as he listened nearly sliced Marc’s heart in half. Instead of answering, Kay pulled him back in; he wound his arms around Marc’s neck, dug his heads down and pressed his face against his chest, didn’t seem to want to lose physical contact with Marc just yet. 

Marc had burning questions he wanted to ask, explanation he needed Kay to give, but in that moment, everything else was secondary. He had Kay in his arms. Back in his home.

So, Marc swallowed his questions and let the hug go on without further conversation. His hand gently touched Kay’s back in soothing long strokes, pressing light kisses to his head at the same time. He could feel warmth slowly returning, tension slowly leaving Kay’s body. Only then, did Marc feel safe enough to pull away just a little.

“Next time don’t walk in the rain without a jacket, you hear me?” He ordered, pressed a quick kiss on Kay’s forehead. “Want to take a hot shower and get rid of your wet shirt? I can lend you one of mine, like a boyfriend’s shirt?” Marc hope the light teasing would take Kay out of his shell.

But the joke just flew over Kay’s head. “Thanks. A t-shirt will do,” Kay replied, his mind still seemed occupied. Definitely not Kay’s normal self.

Marc had turned off all the lights, except the lamp on the nightstand when Kay returned from the bathroom. 

Kay stood at the foot of the bed, in Marc’s boxer-briefs and T-shirt. For a moment there, he looked harrowed, like a soldier who had just returned from battlefield. Wrung out and exhausted.

“I guess we should talk,” Kay said quietly, sitting down on the edge of the bed, but the worry-frown lines on his face and the dread in his voice didn’t seem to agree.

Marc had been hurt and angry, first more angry than hurt, which was how he had gotten through the day, using the anger as fuel to push Kay out of his mind, to concentrate at work. But as the evening worn on, he’s more hurt than angry. 

“There will be questions and you are going to answer them. But now, we should sleep. You look like you could barely stand up.”

The way they went about lying down in bed, a few moves before getting into a comfortable position, the sound of the lamp turning off was the same dance as all those nights before. It lured Marc into a sense of security, like the last 24 hours didn’t happen; Kay was just returning home after working late.

He allowed that feeling to stay, to keep the storm outside.

They laid in bed facing each other, even in the still of the night, Kay’s voice was barely audible. “Do you ever miss your old life?” he asked.

It was a strange question. But Kay hasn’t been himself tonight. He could feel Kay’s eyes searching for him in the dark. Marc knew something must be behind it, but he could only answer it as honest as he could. “No, not really. I look forward to what my life will be. With you.”

Angry or hurt. Marc always slept better with Kay next to him; he had conceded that as another mystery in life. The next morning, he woke up feeling rested and found the bed empty.

He was quickly reassured by the smell of fresh brewed coffee and sounds of Kay moving around in the kitchen. _He always makes a racket when he prepares breakfast._ Marc smiled to himself, momentarily forgot that Kay still owed him a lot of explanations.

Kay was spreading the rye bread toasts with the cranberry conserve from Mia. He flicked a quick glance at Marc. Expression unreadable. Then he continued to prepare breakfast.

_So, was it because of Mia?_

Marc sat down on one of the stools by the kitchen island. “I suppose you’ve met Mia.” He said, trying to catch Kay’s eyes.

“Mia from the first floor,” Kay said without inflection.

“She’s just a neighbour. I mean I know what she wants, but I am not interested.”

“I know.”

“You. Know. “ Marc parroted.

Kay watched him quietly for a second, there was that bleak expression on his face again. Then he grabbed his mobile phone, tapped a few times.

“This photo was emailed to me two nights ago,” Kay said, pushing his mobile to Marc.

Katya and Marc looked a lot more intimate in the photo than Marc remembered. It looked bad; Marc knew instantly. It looked like he was having a great time; it looked like they were about to fuck. Scheiße, he had his hand on Katya’s thigh.

“It’s not what you think,” Marc said. “It’s work.” It sounded like a bad excuse to Marc’s own ears, even though it was true.

Kay made a sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

“We were at a nightclub to check out a tip-off about the burglaries done by the Russian gang. Katya... she’s doing undercover for another case,” Marc said matter-of-factly.

Kay’s brow furrowed. “She’s a cop?” Surprise was clear in his voice, there was also a hint of hope.

Marc nodded quickly. “She was my colleague in the first precinct I worked in Berlin... we... I needed to protect her cover.”

Kay huffed. He moved away to get the coffee pot. Marc followed him. “Come on, Kay. You know I wouldn’t. Why would I...” He touched Kay’s shoulder. “I’d never do that to you.”

Kay looked down, his hands holding two coffee mugs. He shook his head a little. “Deep down I knew, even when I first saw the photo. That it looks wrong, you don’t even look like yourself in it. It looks like a setup, like you were giving a show.”

Kay had obviously given it some thoughts, had tried to look at it from a detached angle, even when he’d been jealous. Marc felt a surge of pride for him.

“I know it’s unfair... “Kay trailed, struggled but seemed determined to get past it. “But I still don’t like it. I hate it.” He mumbled.

Marc took the mugs away from him and turned him around. “I wouldn’t like it too if some woman was sitting on your lap, for whatever reason.”

Kay glared at him, scoffed. “You don’t have to worry about women sitting on my lap.”

Marc laughed, knowing the crisis has been averted. He pressed a quick kiss on Kay’s mouth. “God knows how many women I have to fend off if you were into them.”

“Then you know how I feel.”

He was struck by the frank admission. This wasn’t something Marc had considered before, that Kay might feel threatened by his bisexuality. Maybe not so much the being attracted to women bit, but what it entailed. In Kay’s mind, Marc settling down with a woman equals to the socially conformed life that Marc had chosen over him for before. Which was a sore subject to Kay. Seeing that photo didn’t help, on top of meeting Mia...

“I don’t think there’s any room in my heart for anyone else. Man or woman.”

Kay looked up at him. “Even though life with me wouldn’t be easy?”

“Are you issuing me a challenge?” Marc said.

“More like a warning.”

Marc wrapped his arms around Kay’s waist, touching their foreheads. “I am done choosing the easy way out. And you are fishing for compliments again, Kay Engel.”

Kay went in for the corner of his mouth. His tongue flicked against Marc’s lips, prying them open, then worried his bottom lip with his teeth. A hard and playful kiss. Marc deepened it by holding Kay closer with a hand on the back of his neck. He could smell himself on Kay, who was still wearing Marc’s old t-shirt. Marc moved his other hand down to rub the soft cotton, loving the resistance of hard muscles underneath it. He bunched up the t-shirt and his hand made connection with Kay’s warm skin. The kisses picking up speed, Kay was making little needy noises between each breath which drove Marc a little crazy. He wanted to bend Kay over and fuck him right here in the kitchen. 

Maybe he had said his thoughts out loud, because the next thing he knew, Kay was shoving his own boxer-briefs down roughly; he bent over and gripped the edge of the kitchen counter with both hands. With his back facing Marc, he kicked off the boxer-briefs pooling on his feet so his legs could stand apart.

Marc’s mouth watered at the sight in front of him. The invitation was clear without the need for words. He touched the perky and round ass lightly with the back of his hand, letting the too fine to be visible body hair grazing his skin. The light touch was enough to shock him into action; Marc quickly kicked off his underwear. 

He pressed his smiling lips against the back of Kay’s neck and nibbled the soft skin there. The sunlight streaming through the unshaded windows gave him pause. “Scheiße, what if my neighbour next door sees us?” Marc said, but he didn’t stop kissing Kay’s neck.

“Too bad it’s not Mia from the 1st floor,” Kay quipped, a little breathless.

Marc suppressed a guffaw and smacked Kay’s ass cheek. 

“Hey! That’s not what I am asking for.”

Marc cupping and soothing his ass cheek with his hand, his mouth tracing Kay’s spine all the way down, licking and biting each vertebra, like counting dominos, before moving back up.

Marc worked up some saliva and wetted two fingers.

Kay groaned aloud when the fingers slipped in, stretching him, filling him, slow and teasing. “Is that what you are asking for, huh?” Marc bent his finger a little, going deeper, reaching that little knob, the secret button. 

“Fuuuucck,” Kay called out, his whole body jerked, almost jumped away.

Grinning, Marc continued his finger manoeuvring. “I am going to give you what you ask for, baby.” Kay’s breath was already heavy, almost wheezing as he writhed and trashed under the delicious assault.

Marc retracted his fingers reluctantly, his chest still pressed on Kay’s back, not wanting to move away. “We need lube...” Marc muttered.

“Get the butter.”

“What?”

“The butter, it’s there. On the counter,” Kay ordered impatiently, his voice croaked with desire.

“Seriously?”

“Marc!”

It’s so ridiculous Marc would have laughed if he wasn’t so incredibly turned on. They were going to have to throw away this new tub of butter afterwards, but Marc obliged. His shaking fingers dug into the soft butter, the porcelain butter dish spun and clattered. 

Marc pushed himself against Kay’s back again, his fingers returning, now slick and oily, found their target again. Kay’s eyes were screwed shut and he’s taking fast and short breaths. “Miss you... miss you so goddamn much...” Kay murmured.

_Me too, baby, me too._ Marc chanted inwardly, his mouth too busy kissing and licking whichever part of Kay’s body he could reach. He finally withdrew his fingers again, knowing Kay was now all prepped and ready; Marc’s own cock was already oozing pre-cum, raring to go. His hand clutched on Kay’s hips, then sliding further down to grab his ass and pull his cheeks apart. “Ready, baby,” Marc ground out, getting into position, the blunt tip of his cock nudging the entrance. He pushed. No niceties, pure raw lust, he drove home to the bottom in two pushes. “Kay... oh fuck... oh god... “Marc breathed out, uttering his words with a shuddery breath.

Kay lifted up and turned his head sideways, Marc met him there, their mouths and tongues connected and fought for dominance. Marc’s hand moved down to caress Kay’s taut stomach, reaching for Kay’s aching cock, giving it a few much needed pulls. Kay gave a loud throaty grunt and pushed back, like he still wanted Marc’s cock to go deeper. Marc flexed his hips and started pistoling in and out of Kay in fast strokes. “Is this what you want, baby? I am giving you what you want,” Marc taunted and teased in Kay’s ear, while their bodies slapped and clashed against each other. 

Marc couldn’t recall if he has ever been so vocal during sex with anyone else. But Kay has always had the ability to bring out something unprecedented in him, it was no news. He looked at Kay’s smiling face, sweats jelled his hair and pooled around his forehead, he looked completely blissed out, his pale blue eyes full of intense and unadulterated want.

_So beautiful, so gorgeous. And he’s all mine._ Marc thought. He couldn’t recall ever feeling so possessive over anyone else either. If Marc was honest with himself. This wasn’t even new. He’s been possessive about Kay right from the beginning, all those years ago.

“You’re mine...” Marc clamped his hands tighter around Kay’s hips and pulled him onto his straining cock with a little bit more force every time they connected, until he could hold back no more. His hand on Kay’s cock grew insistent. “Come for me, baby, come on...” he demanded. Kay gave a final loud groan; his body went taut before his milky cum coating Marc’s hand. Smearing the cum on Kay’s stomach, Marc finally gave in to his need; he pushed in one more time before coming deep inside of Kay.

Kay exhaled a long sigh; he dropped his head, letting the granite countertop cooling his feverish face. 

Still covering Kay’s body with his own, Marc blurted, “I am not sleeping with anyone else.” He didn’t think Kay had doubt anymore, he just wanted to say it, put it out there. “Just you, baby, I don’t want anyone else.”

Kay slowly turned around, and gave Marc a languishing, lingering kiss. They stayed in each other’s arms, with cold coffee and ruined toasts next to them on the kitchen counter.

“So, that was it? You thought I was partying with some woman in a ridiculous nightclub?” Marc asked after they’ve cleaned up and restarted breakfast.

Kay stood in front of the coffee pot; he grimaced. Something close to pain flickered across his face.

It took another second, but Marc didn’t need to hear Kay’s answer; he had worked it out himself. He asked Kay slowly, “Who sent you the photo? Wait...”

He couldn’t think of how Ginter would have gotten Kay’s email address. “We found out yesterday Ginter’s phone was cloned.” Marc said. And as he said it, he could tell Kay already knew. 

“It’s Daniel.” Kay said.

Finally, everything fell into place. Kay’s disappearing act; the security check prompted by Mats Hartmann; that Ginter suffered no financial loss, because he wasn’t the target and it wasn’t some scam. 

“He’s been spying through Ginter, trying to find dirt on you,” Kay sighed. He sounded very tired.

“He couldn’t find anything from me, so he turned to surveil my partner.”

There was a short pause. “I wasn’t sure if your mobile or laptop have been compromised as well. That’s why I told Mats.” Kay took a deep breath. “Daniel said he didn’t hack any police devices, and Mats confirmed that.”

“You went to see Daniel?” Marc groaned. “Kay! I told you I don’t want you to see that asshole again.” _Goddammit! Kay never bloody listens._ “That’s where you were yesterday? You went to see him?”

The idea of Daniel inserting himself in their lives again, plotting and sabotaging against them was enough to send Marc’s blood pressure soaring. Now hearing Kay just went head and met the bastard by himself, he could feel the veins in his temples pulsing.

Marc opened his mouth again, but Kay overrode him.

“Daniel won’t be a problem anymore.”

Marc closed his mouth. 

“He won’t bother you, or me again. I have made sure of that,” Kay said calmly. A note of finality in his voice.

Marc narrowed his eyes. “And you know this for sure, how? “

Kay went back to stir the coffee after adding sugar; there was a faraway look in his eyes. And Marc knew, whatever triumph Kay had scored yesterday, it hadn’t been easy, had taken every strength in him to get it. That’s why he looked like a tired solider last night.

“Let’s just say, you were not wrong when you said Mats and I watched too many Sopranos. We have an insurance.” He smiled bitterly. It didn’t feel like a victory.

“Jesus...” Marc’s hands reached for Kay, touching his face, shoulders and arms, like he was checking for physical injuries. Maybe subconsciously he was. And Kay had gone to this ‘showdown’, defending their future, when he was still unsure why Marc was flirting with a woman in a nightclub.

Daniel’s cunning plan could have easily worked too, if Kay didn’t have some faith in Marc. In their future. 

******

(Kay)

Marc was 5 minutes late.

Kay stood up from his street facing window seat. “Why are we meeting here?”

Marc had asked Kay to meet him at the coffee shop a block from his apartment tonight before going home together. 

“Nothing,” Marc said. He’s wearing a light blue brushed cotton shirt, the one that brought out his blue eyes, and they were sparkling. “Ready to go?” He smiled.

Kay knew he’s cooking something, but he simply picked up his backpack and they left the coffee shop together.

They reached the building’s main entrance, instead of walking up to the 3rd floor directly, Marc took Kay’s hand and pulled him to the left wing of the building when they reached 1st floor.

Marc pressed the buzzer on Apartment 1D.

His hand still holding Kay’s when the door opened. 

Mia’s friendly gaze fell on Marc first.

“Hi Marc.”

“Hi Mia. Erm... thanks for the cranberry jam.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome. I made a whole pot... “she trailed as her eyes dropped down to the interlaced hands and back up to Kay’s face. “... I made too much, so I thought I’ll share with everyone.”

“We tried it already, it is delicious.” Marc cleared his throat. “Erm. I think you’ve met my boyfriend already but let me introduce you anyway.”

“Kay, this is Mia. Mia, this is Kay.”

Kay shook Mia’s hand. “Nice to see you again.”

“Likewise.” Mia said. Colours rose on her cheeks, but she regained her composure after a couple of seconds. She asked Kay in a friendly voice. “Are you a policeman as well?”

“Err, no. I am a private investigator.”

Her eyes brightened at that revelation. “Oh. I bet you have more interesting stories to share than Marc. Are you moving into our building?”

Kay flicked a quick glance at Marc, who was quietly enjoying the scene. 

“Maybe.” Kay answered.


	28. Your Hell is My Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kay buys Ginter dinner  
> Marc asks Kay to move in  
> Lukas has his say
> 
> This chapter is in both Kay and Marc's POV, as indicated by ( )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I put them through a lot the last few chapters, so this is a nothing-much-happens chapter, just moving their relationship forward ;-)
> 
> Thank you for reading.

(Kay)

“Do you know the secret of long marriage?” Ginter asked, balancing a pitcher of Apfelwein and two tall glasses in his hands.

Kay shook his head.

“Don’t get divorced.” He winked.

Kay stared at Ginter. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Marc smacked the back of Ginter’s head; he flicked an uneasy glance at Kay before passing him a bottle of alcohol-free beer.

Kay returned a rueful smile. His eyes communicating to Marc: _don’t worry. he’s harmless._

“Ouch! Why did you do that? That’s what my father said and it’s true. My parents have been married for 30 years.”

They were at a cop bar. That’s what Kay called Irish pubs in Berlin. They had explained to Ginter that it was Kay’s ex-husband who had cloned his phone, even though no one would be able to prove it. Kay felt it was the least he could do to buy Ginter a new mobile phone and dinner.

Ginter, with a brand-new latest iPhone in his hands, seemed to find the whole thing hilarious.

“I am glad it works for your parents,” Kay said diplomatically.

“That’s one way to put it.” Marc said, shaking his head at Ginter, who then changed the subject without missing a beat. “I still don’t know how he did it though. I mean, have I met him without knowing? Did he put some super gadget next to my phone?”

“Not really. It’s not like on TV. Most likely you’ve opened an email or clicked a link he sent you,” Kay explained.

“My work emails were forwarded to Ginter’s address when I was away in Ludwigsburg. Then this genius here read those emails on his personal mobile. I think that’s how Daniel got in.” Marc speculated. 

It’s possible. Kay thought. “That’s probably how he found out Ginter is your new partner.”

“So, let me get this straight.” Ginter swallowed a mouthful of Apfelwein. “Your husband is some computer genius and he’s been spying on me in order to get to Marc? Wow... that’s some crazy high-tech shit.”

“He’s my ex-husband,” Kay clarified, meeting Marc’s eyes, before addressing Ginter again. “Regardless, it’s useful to better protect your online activities. Our company gives clients a lot of advice, if you need any tips to - “

“He’s so hopeless, it doesn’t take a computer genius to clone his phone.” Marc interjected. 

“Fuck you too, partner. Don’t forget I am your character witness. If Kay has come to me directly, I’d have explained to him how you rejected all the women who wanted to sit with us in the VIP area, how you were being a cock-blocker all night.”

“We were working!” Marc scowled.

“You are the worst wing man. That was the last time I’d take you to a club.”

“I could score more women than you’d ever get,” Marc said heatedly. Then quickly added, “I mean, theoretically. If I ever wanted to...” He stole a glance at Kay.

“Uh-huh. You are such a babe-magnet.” Kay hummed.

Marc laughed and pulled him in for a kiss on the lips. It was intended to be a quick and dry one. But then, Kay grabbed the back of Marc’s neck and deepened the kiss. And another one after that.

Ginter made some noise with his nose, said under his breath. “Get a room, you two.”

Marc flipped him the finger without moving away. Kay obliged, knowing Marc was doing it deliberately to annoy Ginter. 

Finally, some camera clicking sounds jolted them apart. Ginter was snapping photos of them with his new iPhone; he then thrust himself next to them and snapped a group selfie as well.

“Jesus, what’s wrong with you? You don’t remember your day unless you are photographing every moment?” Marc said.

Ginter wasn’t even looking at them. He was tapping furiously on his iPhone. “A lot of girls really dig gay-friendly guys,” he said. “Pub crawling with my gay besties,” he muttered the words as he typed. A woosh sound informed them they’ve been immortalised on Instagram.

Kay chuckled. “Gay best friend is such a bad stereotype.”

“And we are not going pub crawling with you.” Marc added.

Suddenly Kay had an idea. “Can I have a look?” He asked Ginter.

He studied the two photos Ginter took of he and Marc kissing; he could see the smile at the corner of Marc’s mouth as they kissed, his fingers grazing Kay’s stubble. They both had their eyes half closed. High resolution under moody lighting in the pub, it was actually a pretty romantic photo. 

“Can you air drop this photo to me?”

Ginter was only too happy to, he did it in under two seconds. 

“Let me see.” Marc leaned in. They both looked that photo quietly for a few moments. It was a strange feeling, like an out-of-body experience for Kay, seeing himself with Marc together so intimately from a 3rd person angle. Like some concrete proof of its existence. Their love. Out there for all to see.

“I never have any photo of you,” Kay told Marc in a low voice, still keenly aware of Ginter’s near presence.

Marc lifted his eyes, watching him with those intense blue eyes which still did funny things to Kay’s stomach. “I never had yours either,” he replied, smiling faintly. “The first time I saw you on the train after all those years, I thought to myself: I’ve never seen you in a suit and I have no picture of you, but I still recognised you right away.” His eyes moved back to the photo on Kay’s phone. “We should print it. Or people don’t do that anymore?” He joked.

Ginter’s throat clearing sounds were getting louder. He bumped Marc’s shoulder. “If you two lovebirds are done with the smooching. I’d like to claim my reward dinner.”

******

(Marc)

Kay breathed; eyes glazed. Marc watched him; his hand firmly pumped their cocks, trapped between their bodies, one more time. Kay’s hand was grabbing onto his sweat soaked back and shoulders; his face flushed, his lips alternated obscenities with Marc’s name. They came with a loud gasp one after the other. 

Marc let go of his hand, they rubbed against each other some more, still looking for friction in the high of the afterglow, making a mess on their stomachs but not giving a damn. Kay was still nibbling Marc’s shoulders, his hand still running along Marc’s arm. Every move, every touch, every kiss from Kay was familiar, like coming home. It felt so right, Marc wondered how he had ever believed it was wrong. 

In the safety of Kay’s arms, Marc mulled over his past mistakes. “Right from the start, it felt different, when we hung out...“ he suddenly felt the urge to say. “You were not like any of my friends.” His finger tracing Kay’s eyebrows. “I wouldn’t admit it, but I thought about you all the time, and it scared me.” Kay squeezed Marc’s hand, waiting for him to carry on.

“I would be with Bettina or my family, just doing stuff. Sitting in the garden or watching TV, then suddenly you’d be on my mind, and I’d be terrified, because I wasn’t supposed to be thinking about some guy.”

Kay smiled ruefully at that. “I jerked off thinking about you already when we were roomies.” Offering a slice of his own memories of their past.

Marc chuckled lightly. He wouldn’t expect anything less from Kay. “Then I started to wonder what it would be like to kiss you - “

“After that barely-a-kiss I gave you?”

Marc nodded. “It was all I thought about and I knew I was in trouble.”

Kay laced their hands together on Marc’s chest. “I’m sorry I upended your life, caused so much pain to Bettina...” he looked up. “But I am not sorry we were together, even after it crashed and burned. Those first few months, they were one of the happiest days of my life.”

“Yeah?” Marc said softly; he could admit this went a long way to soothe his guilt. “After you left, I was so lost. I didn’t know what would happen, but I knew I couldn’t go back to my old life.”

“Sometimes we hurt people in the process,” Kay said gravely.

The collateral damages in search of happiness. Marc would like to think he had done the right thing, that people he had hurt would eventually be better off without him. Or he would have the chance to right the wrong, like this second chance with Kay... 

The room was quiet for a few minutes, and Marc listened to the sound of their breathing, felt the beating of Kay’s heart under his hand. Each lost in their own memories of the past, but together in their thoughts about the future; the evidence of their love-making cooling on their bodies. 

They were in Kay’s apartment tonight. It’s part of an established schedule now. Two or three nights a week in Marc’s apartment when Marc had late shifts, then another one or two nights in Kay’s apartment when Kay had to work late.

Kay finally flopped on his back, stretching his arms like a lazy cat. “You should start keeping some clothes here,” he suggested, yawning.

It was no secret, Marc wanted them to move in together, had hinted it; Mia had certainly helped him by accident. And Kay has been... positively ambivalent about it. That’s what Marc liked to call. Kay was willing to consider the idea, but something definitely was still holding him back. 

“Is Daniel going to sign the divorce papers now?” Marc asked instead.

The tension in Kay’s body was instant, sleepiness all gone; he rubbed his forehead. “That’s the plan. We have a court date in three weeks’ time.”

The court date was news to Marc. Kay was still not exactly forthcoming when it came to his relationship with Daniel. 

“You think he wouldn’t show up?”

Kay didn’t answer right away. “Mats told me he will make sure he does. and I trust him.”

“Is that why you don’t want to move in with me? Because your divorce isn’t finalised?” That was the less painful reason he could think of, though Marc didn’t know what he would do if Daniel decided to drag this out for another two years.

Kay turned to look at him, eyes searching. Instead of answering the Daniel question, he asked instead, “This is the third or the fourth time you hinted that. Is there a reason why you want us to move in together so urgently?”

Of course, Kay saw right through him again. The hidden fear Marc didn’t want to examine too closely himself. His mouth tightened. “Maybe because somewhere in the back of my brain is the fear that there are some things you can’t put right. That I had my chance and I blew it.” He expelled a long sigh. “I can’t wait to start my life with you. Properly. Together. We’ve already wasted 10 years.”

Kay continued to look at him.

“You know you sound very sexy when you open your heart like that?” The playful response was a mismatch on the gentle and solemn expression on Kay’s face. 

Marc narrowed his eyes. 

“I am only teasing you.“ Kay grinned; he met Marc’s gaze.

“Ok." He nodded. "Let’s do it.”

******

(Kay)

“But you said you will play Undertale with me,” Lukas walked up to Kay, blocking him from picking up his backpack on the sofa.

“Next time, alright?” Kay bent down to talk to Lukas. “It’s late, I have to go home. Your Papa can play with you tomorrow.”

“But Papa doesn’t know all the tricks. He can’t beat the monsters like you do.” Lukas waved the ‘cheat sheet’ Kay had given him earlier today.

Kay laughed. “You can teach your Papa how to cheat the game as well.”

Lukas pouted, crossing his arms in front his chest. “I don’t have time for teaching.”

Marc did a mock hurt look with his eyebrows. “I am sorry if I am taking up precious game time from your 10-year-old busy schedule. I thought we are a team.”

“You always want to talk about schools and sports when we are fighting the monsters.” Lukas laid out his complaints.

Kay chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Marc Borgmann likes to talk, who would have thought?”

“Hey you! Not helping.” Marc shouted, but his eyes were smiling. He stepped closer to Kay. “Why don’t you have a sleepover tonight here? Help me score some points with Lukas, you two can play for another half an hour while I heat up the apple strudel.”

The moving in plan has been agreed, but Kay wasn’t sure if starting it with Lukas in audience was a great idea. Marc wasn’t completely wrong when he had guessed Kay wanted to wait until the divorce papers have been signed and court approved. 

“You can sleep in Papa’s room. I am not a child. I know that’s what adults do,” Lukas said, sounding like an indignant 10-year-old.

Both Kay and Marc turned to look at him. Marc was visibly swallowing. 

“What do you think adults do?” Marc asked. Kay detected a little tremble in his voice; he didn’t envy this part of parenting. Sex education. Marc was going to navigate a lot of minefields when Lukas turned into a teenager. _Well, we were going to... because your hell is my hell etc._ Kay reminded himself, finding the idea strangely appealing.

Lukas gave a weary-of-life sigh. “That if they love each other, they would sleep in the same bed and give each other kisses.” He said ‘kisses’ like they were broccoli his parents forced him to eat.

Kay laughed. “So, you don’t mind if I bunk up with your Papa?”

Lukas shrugged. “Mama told Philip that it’s only a matter of time before Papa moves in with Kay.” He looked up to Kay, “if Papa moves to your house, can I have Aki in my room? You have a room for me, right?”

Marc hugged his son from behind and pressed a kiss on top of his head. “Aki is coming here because Kay is moving in with us.” He met Kay’s gaze over Lukas’ head.

Kay returned a smile. “Maybe you can teach Aki to do chores for your Papa.”

“Yes! Noah is going to so jealous!” Lukas jumped up in excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if Lukas' reaction (or his level of sex education) rings true. I guess it varies among kids. I am making the assumption that Lukas is quite sheltered by his parents, more from Bettina - except when Lukas keeps overhearing her chats with other adults, haha.
> 
> The next chapter is likely to be the last chapter of this story, followed by an epligoue.


	29. All the Flaws and Past Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marc and Kay stay in Marc's parents' new cabin  
> Marc finds the photos  
> Kay comes back from the court
> 
> This chapter is in Marc's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter - followed by an epilogue, hopefully later this week 🤞
> 
> Thank you very much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos ❤️

(Marc)

“You didn’t tell them, did you?”

Marc spat the toothpaste foam out, buying time, before he said slowly, “I didn't think I had to.”

They were spending the weekend at the new log cabin Marc’s parents bought near Wolfsburg. 200 square meters, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, modern plumbing and miles of woodland surrounding them, what could go wrong? Inge Borgmann was already planning their Christmas there, so Lukas could spend the holiday with both sets of parents.

There had been some awkward confusion at the dinner table when Kay unwittingly mentioned they were redecorating Lukas’ room in Marc’s apartment because Lukas thought the race-car shape bed and the Paw Patrol wallpapers were for toddlers.

“Oh, that’s very nice of you to help. Last time both Frank and Wolfgang had to travel to Berlin to help Marc to install the kitchen when he moved in,” Marc’s mother had blurted her response, clearly unaware Kay was now living in the same apartment.

Kay put away his toothbrush, hands on his hips. “Hmmm. I bet you told them right away when you moved in with Brigitte.” His tone was astute, not angry, like this was exactly what he would expect from Marc. 

And that irritated the hell out of Marc. _It’s not fair._ Marc thought. 

But yeah, he did. In fact, he had told his parents a week before he and Brigitte moved in together in Stuttgart, which was a lot closer to Ludwigsburg and they had dinner with Marc’s parents at least a couple of times a month. Whereas Kay and he would only see his parents on special occasions or holidays. It’s purely because of geographical differences. Marc told himself. 

“They both know that we are spending most of our time together. I didn’t think we need to tell them officially. Plus, it’s only been a week.”

10 days. It was a weak defensive response and Marc knew it. “They like you.” He added.

Kay snorted. 

“I mean, they like you _now_... My father thinks you have the coolest job on earth,” Marc continued to justify, hanging on to whatever positive response he could find.

“I just wish you have prepared me for it, that’s all. Now your mother probably thinks I’m the one forcing the issue.”

“It’s not an issue.” Marc sighed. He clutched both of Kay’s shoulders. “Please, baby. I haven’t said anything because it’s only been a week. I didn’t think it’s an issue; it’s not an issue.” He stressed that.

Kay huffed. “Tell that to your mother’s disappointing face when she thinks I am inserting myself into your life again.”

“Kay!” Marc was properly alarmed now. “She doesn’t think that.”

But Kay’s mind has moved on to something else already. “Did they actually invite me to come this weekend? Or you took the liberty?” His brows furrowed. 

“Of course, they did,” Marc said a tad defensively. _Well, they knew inviting me means inviting both of us._

Marc wondered how suddenly he was standing on the threshold of the first argument with Kay since they got back together. His heartbeat raced ahead of its own accord; he thought of how the Hartmanns have opened their hearts and home to welcome Kay.

It wasn’t like he thought Kay would run back to his sociopathic ex-husband just because Marc forgot to tell his parents they had moved in together, but the court date was next week, Marc didn’t want any bad feelings between them before Kay came face to face with Daniel Hartmann again.

“Baby, I...” Marc swallowed. Turning Kay around to face him in the tiny bathroom. “Of course I will tell them. Let’s do that tomorrow.”

“Let’s?” Kay’s eyes widened. Now he started to sound annoyed. “This is between you and your parents, don’t drag me into your family drama.”

“Kay.” Marc warned and immediately felt guilty. What Marc had failed to mention to Kay was that just few months ago, his mother had tried to introduce a friend of a friend to Marc. A woman-friend. Marc didn’t think Kay needed to hear this minor details. Because it was history. It was irrelevant.

But fuck. Maybe a little honesty was needed; Marc had to have faith in being open with Kay. “The truth is, I want to give them some time to adjust; they are warming up to you. I am not lying.”

“I don’t care if they approve of us living together or not, but at least give me a heads up, I don’t want to be blindsided.”

Kay probably thought he sounded nonchalant, but Marc could read him better now; he knew it was all chest-puffing talk.

The truth was, Marc didn’t know why he wanted to wait. Perhaps the ingrained habit of appeasing his parents ran deeper than he thought. He knew the cohabitation news would signal finality to his parents and they would be disappointed, even if they have accepted his choice.

Marc traced his fingertip slowly from Kay’s neck to his collarbone; a tiny vein there on his neck was throbbing, another sign that Kay was not as relaxed as he pretended to be. Marc rested his finger there, soothing it.

Then he remembered the first Saturday after Kay had moved in, when Marc was sitting in his office and heard Kay walking from the bedroom to the living room, the sound of his unique footsteps, the sound of cabinet doors rapidly opening and closing because that’s the way Kay searched for things, how Marc couldn’t suppress his smile. Happiness so full he could hardly contain it. And the promise he made to Kay when they got back together.

“I promised you I am not a mistake, that you can trust me.” When Kay finally met his eyes, he said, “You are right, I should have told them about us living together. Because this is it for me.” He halted Kay in closer. “You are it.” Marc said flatly.

“I taught Aki to sort the laundry into white and dark colours,” Lukas boasted to his grandparents. He was pushing the assorted berries and melon pieces around in his bowl after eating all the yoghurt.

“Who is that? Marc, you got a cleaner?” Inge asked, slightly confused.

“Aki is a robot. Kay says he helps disable people. But Papa needs his help too.”

“I can sort my laundry just fine.” Marc protested.

Kay was grinning behind his coffee cup. 

“What?” Marc challenged, already laughing. 

“Nothing.”

They were enjoying a fresh air outdoor breakfast on the porch the next day.

There was no tactful way to give his parents the news, so Marc decided to grab the first opportunity he found.

“Yeah, Kay brought that robot with him when he moved in, now Lukas is claiming ownership,” Marc casually explained, ruffled his son’s hair.

He saw his parents exchanged a glance, maybe his mother’s lips thinned a little, but it was gone in a second. Kay shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Kay says Aki can stay in my room. Right, Kay?” Lukas’ voice broke the silence.

Kay nodded. “As long as you remember to charge him overnight.”

Finally, his mother made a tsk tsk sound and said, “three men and a robot, I can just imagine what a pigsty it will be.”

******

The photos were inside an innocuous white A4 envelope. No name, no address.

Marc wasn’t looking for them. He was looking for an old case file he had brought home a year ago. Since he had cleared out half of his office’s file cabinet for Kay after he moved in, he thought he might have left it in Kay’s half.

The A4 envelope was slotted inside a suspension file with other Daniel things. A copy of their original marriage certificate, a platinum wedding band inside a black velvet pouch, some divorce documents, invoices from lawyers. Marc pulled out the whole folder, a few photos of Daniel and Kay, in their happier days, dropped out, together with an A4 envelope.

They were mostly family gatherings, taken by family members, maybe by Mats, maybe by Klaus before he got sick. Perhaps the prior knowledge of Daniel’s abuse has shaped Marc’s perspective, but he didn’t think it was a coincidence that the common theme of those photos was that Daniel seemed to always have his hand on Kay in a possessive hold. He was either squeezing the back of Kay’s neck while he talked, or his fingers was clutching tight on Kay’s shoulder. It didn’t take a body language expert to notice what they meant.

The file cabinet had no locks, so Marc knew Kay wasn’t trying to hide them, although he didn’t know what level of privacy Kay was expecting. But Marc couldn’t help himself, he had to see. He checked the opening of the A4 envelope, the flap was tucked inwardly but it wasn’t sealed. 

The hospital admission paper and medical record on top caught his eyes right away. It was dated almost 18 months ago. Kay was the patient. He was admitted to the emergency room at 11:45pm. Marc’s heart was beating in his throat as he read on - reason for admission: unconscious, visible external injuries; diagnosis: head trauma grade 3 concussion, grade 2 trauma on temples and jaw, lacerations on upper and lower lip, contusions and bruising on biceps, mid-face, hands and around left eye area.

Marc swallowed, knowing instantly that things were far worse than he had thought. He flipped through the rest of the hospital papers and finally, he came face to face with them.

The photos that documented the injuries he had just read; Kay, black and blue all over, his left eye so swollen it was half-closed. A haunted and dazed look on his face, like he wasn’t even aware of his surroundings. The details and close-up shots of the photos indicated they were taken by law enforcement and meant to be evidence. Marc could take an educated guess who had taken the photos and why.

His mind instantly travelled back to that day, when Kay had hidden his face under the hood, the day after the assault by Limpinski. Kay had been dispirited, aggrieved, even angry; but he hadn’t been broken by it - until Marc hammered in the final blow. Leaving that key; leaving Kay when he needed Marc the most. 

Battered by the people who was supposed to love him.

******

Kay’s divorce court date coincided with Halloween.

Marc had a late shift that day, he came home around 9pm to a dim and quiet apartment. The only light on was the bamboo lantern lamp Kay had brought with him, its faint yellow glow illuminating a corner of the living room. 

He found Kay standing outside in the balcony. 

“Hey.” Marc called out before reaching for Kay’s shoulder, didn’t want to startle him.

Kay turned around. “Hey, I didn’t hear you come in,” he said and gave Marc a small smile. He looked subdued, pensive.

_Wouldn’t you be? If you were the one signing the papers to legally cut your abusive ex out of your life?_

“Everything went ok?” Marc probed.

Kay nodded quickly. But offered nothing further.

Marc had wanted to come with him. Marc had thought about doing a lot of things to Daniel Hartmann since he’s seen those photos. But he knew Mats would be there and Kay didn’t need Marc losing his shit in a public place.

He wrapped his arms around Kay’s waist, holding him from behind. He mumbled against Kay’s neck. “I saw the photos. The ones in the hospital.”

Marc felt a slight shudder running through Kay’s body; he laced his hands with Kay’s in front. _I should kill that motherfucker._ Marc closed his eyes and pushed that murderous thought away. “This is why Daniel backed off. This is the insurance you were talking about,” he said.

Kay nodded. Expressionless. “Mats has a set of copies locked in a safe deposit box. He told Daniel he would use them if he tries anything again.”

Marc could tell by the look in his eyes and the flush on his cheeks that Kay didn’t want any sympathetic words or sentimental declarations, so he just continued to hold him. 

Kay’s eyes closed, the back of his head resting on Marc’s shoulder, their cheeks pressed together. The night air was chilly on Marc’s back under his cotton hoodie, but at least Kay was warm in his arms. They stayed like that for a few moments, maybe minutes; feeling Kay’s body relax as his breathing even out. 

“The first few times it happened... “Kay’s voice pierced through the stillness. “I thought it was because I didn’t love him like I should have, and Daniel knew it. That he’s hurting too, and if I just tried to do better...” Kay swallowed.

“Nothing you did - nothing, Kay - could make you deserve what Daniel did to you. Do you understand that? You fought back and left him. That’s who you are,” Marc said.

Kay squeezed their hands, letting Marc know he’s heard him.

After a few moments, he asked, “Do you remember that time you hit me when I asked you to come out?”

How could Marc forget? It had haunted him for years.

“Kay, I am...”

“No, you don’t need to apologise. I knew why you did it. Even back then,” Kay said quickly. He turned around, smoothing a hand across Marc’s light stubble. “When you threw that punch, all I saw was fear in your eyes. I know it hurt you just as much it hurt me. With Daniel, it was all resentment, anger, rage.” His brow furrowed like he’s trying to work out something. “I don’t know if he’s mad at me or at himself for not getting what he wanted or whatever that he thought he’s not getting from me... and I allowed it to happen because I thought that’s what it takes for someone to love me.”

His heart was protesting, screaming it’s not true. But Marc stayed silent, knowing Kay was still slowly working through it. 

Kay watched him quietly. “You know I could have killed him that night? I was holding a knife and I was ready to stab it into his heart if he got one step closer. I could still remember the pounding of blood in my ears. That’s when I knew... that it wasn’t love...” He shook his head. “Love doesn’t turn someone into a murderer.”

This new piece of information didn’t surprise Marc. Kay could have fought back physically all this time, he didn’t because Daniel had known how to manipulate Kay’s emotions.

Marc didn’t move for a few seconds, loving and committing the way he felt now - proud of Kay for getting out of that impossible situation, and feeling deeply loved because they survived, they were together with all their flaws and past mistakes.

“He came to see me once in person,” Marc said. Remembering Daniel flaunting Kay’s Audi TT, trying to unsettle Marc. That cunning bastard.

Kay watched him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Probably the same reason why you kept your meetings with Daniel from me.” Marc smiled ruefully. “We should do better. We will do better. No more secrets.”

Kay nodded; he rested his head on Marc’s shoulder again, watching the street down below, watching people milling around on it, more adults in scary costumes than children with sweet buckets. “It’s okay,” he whispered, not looking at Marc, but inching impossibly closer. He wrapped his cool hand around Marc’s warm wrist. “I’m okay,” he repeated.

“Maybe you want to talk to someone?”

Kay made a noise between a snort and a huff. “Therapy. You are turning into Mats.”

Marc wasn’t discouraged; he found it reassuring when Kay showed his cynical side. Coming from Kay, it was never a straight no, it only meant he’s fighting, thinking, not shutting down. “You can talk to me if therapists put you off,” he offered.

“Dr Borgmann.” Kay quipped.

“I’ll be one of those sleazy doctors who take advantage of their patient.” Marc wiggled his eyebrows for effect.

Kay chuckled; it was a croaky laugh; he buried his face deeper into Marc’s neck. Then he cleared his throat, in a more sober voice, he said, “I just need you to give me time. And tell me if I shut you out again. Fight me when I am wrong. Not tiptoeing. We have to be honest with each other. I’m letting you see my scars, because I trust you.”

“That I can do.” Marc said. Without hesitation.

Next thing he knew Kay was pressing his mouth on his, both of his hands cupping Marc’s face, like he was something precious. Marc felt the force of Kay’s tongue, pushing deep inside, caressing and exploring. The drunken laughs and jeers from below formed part of the soundtrack, mingled with Kay’s soft moans, deep in his throat, telling Marc things he couldn’t put into words, that he was okay; that Marc was all he needed; that all the past mistakes, pain and tears, fell away. Buried. For as long as they were in each other’s arms, they would make it. 

And this time it’s going to last.


	30. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18 months after the last chapter.  
> In Kay's POV first, then Marc's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This epilogue is shorter than I planned (Sorry Val! 😭). I wrote a few other scenes but they didn't seem right. So here it is. The final version.
> 
> Once again, thank you for sticking with me through this 'rather long journey' (it's the longest FF fic I've written). I hope you like where I leave them here ❤️
> 
> (and of course, still hoping and wishing for the real thing 🤞)

(18 months later)

(Kay)

“This is perfect.” Marc said contently.

Kay smiled. “Yeah,” he simply answered before reeling in his line. He glanced at Marc’s profile. His thick brown hair windblown; he smelt of sea salt and wet leaves; his face pinkish and in the process of getting a tan. Sitting on the boat in cargo shorts and an old green t-shirt, his had a look of concentration on his face, like he’s listening to the fish below, see if they were taking his bait. His strong forearms holding the fishing pole like a professional angler.

He looked gorgeous under the sun. And happy.

They were holidaying in Mecklenburg Vorpommen lake district in northern Germany. A precious one-week holiday they had planned many times before but hadn’t been able to do it until now, because they were both workaholics. Last month Marc had passed his Lieutenant examination, so they decided to rearrange their works respectively and take the plunge.

“My father used to take me to camping and fishing trips around Neckar river, it’s not as well set up as here, but still plenty of variety around,” Marc reminiscing.

The Borgmann father and son bonding holidays. Kay imagined a teenage Marc with his serious face, listening to his father’s instructions, trying to do everything right at first try. Kay huffed a small laugh at that image.

“What?” Marc glanced at him with raised eyebrow.

“Nothing.” Kay gave him a smile.

“I didn’t know you are into fishing too,” Marc said.

“Not exactly, but I know how to fish...” Kay paused, debating with himself for a half a second before he said, “My father used to take me and my brother on fishing trips too, to those camping sites run by the church... until he found out I preferred to play kissing game with another boy rather than sitting on a boat.”

Marc’s hand was resting on his back before Kay finished his sentence. 

“Fuck them. You don’t need people like them in your life.”

“Him and Jesus.” Kay deadpanned.

Marc chuckled, obviously relieved that Kay was able to crack jokes. “I’ll be your sinning partner,” he offered. They shared a brief kiss.

When they pulled away, Marc was smiling at him, his brown hair falling boyishly in his eyes. Kay felt something stir in his chest.

“This is worth getting up at dawn for, don’t you agree?” Marc enquired, knowing how much Kay liked to sleep in.

_Only because I am doing it with you._ Kay thought. “Definitely,” he said instead.

With the rising sun warming their backs, cool water at their fingertips. In the company of nature and each other only. Yeah, this is damn near perfect. Kay thought.

They took the few carp fish they caught to the market and asked the fishmongers to clean and fillet them properly; they also bought a few other ingredients before they headed back to their rental cabin.

Kay cooked most of their meals at home, it was a useful skill he picked up from living alone since he was 17, but this time Marc was in charge. 

“I’ve seen my mother done it hundreds of times.”

“I have the burn relief ointment in my gym bag,” Kay said, peeking at the hot oil in the cast iron skillet.

“Have faith, baby. Have faith,” Marc drawled and began to dredge the carp fillets through flour, egg wash and breadcrumbs like he knew what he’s doing.

Marc jumped a foot off from the stove after dropping the first fillet into the skillet, oil splattering everywhere. He ran his fingers under the cold-water tap.

Kay laughed and went to get the ointment.

The weather was balmy that night, so they forwent watching the football game on TV and opted for sitting on the porch outside. Marc had a beer in his hand, slouching in the chair in his sweater and joggers. A picture of relaxation.

Kay wasn’t the biggest outdoor person. He enjoyed running in the woods, but his idea of entertainment usually involved dancing, loud music and sweating. Now sitting quietly on a deck chair, with the nearest neighbour five minutes’ walk away, he felt a sense of peace enveloping him like never before. He didn’t even miss smoking, another habit both of them were trying to do without.

_Maybe we are getting old._ Kay quietly thought. But it wasn’t an unpleasant thought. As long as they are getting old together.

“Hey.”

Marc’s gentle voice shook him out of the reverie on ageing.

Kay looked at him. “Hmm?”

He’s up to something. Kay could tell by the colour rising on Marc’s cheeks, which was damn cute because he has already gotten a tan.

“What is it?” Kay cocked his head.

Marc’s hand reached into his joggers’ pocket. He took out a small box. 

The box was too big for a ring. Kay blew a sigh of relief inwardly. They had briefly touched on that subject few months ago. Marc had subtlety enquired but Kay hadn’t wanted to consider that idea. They were together already; a paper and some government institution’s recognition wouldn’t add anything meaningful.

Kay stared at box, then back at Marc again. 

Marc opened the box. It was a sliver bracelet with leather straps. Kay turned it over and saw the inscription of an infinity loop at the back, with the letter M and K on either side of the loop.

“I know you don’t want to think about getting married again, so this has nothing to do with that.” He watched Kay carefully, licking his lips like he’s nervous. “Two years ago today, I saw you on the train. Again. After all these years.” He paused for a moment, then proceeded to unclasp the bracelet and put it on Kay’s wrist, he leaned back to have a good look, seemed satisfied. His eyes back on Kay’s. “I think even on that day, deep down I knew. I knew we would find our way back together.”

Kay traced the silver with his finger, feeling the warmth of the leather and the cool of the silver metal on his wrist. Two contrasting sensations in harmony. His gaze flickered between Marc’s eyes and mouth, his breath misting in the night air.

“Come here,” he demanded softly.

Marc promptly obliged. The soft caress of Marc’s tongue against his lips set Kay alight; he moaned softly as he opened for him, deepening the kiss. Marc’s hand covered his wrist and the bracelet, stroking the leather and the skin underneath, like it’s a good luck charm.

“Forever starts here and now.” Kay said.

“Maybe we can go salmon fishing in Norway next time, I heard it’s a unique experience,” Marc suggested. They were sprawled on the sofa inside the cabin. Marc was wrapped up tight in Kay’s arms. Their sweats rapidly cooling under the night temperature, Kay pulled the wool blanket from the armrests to loosely cover their bodies. 

“Have you been there?” He kissed the top of Marc’s head.

“My parents took me there when I was a toddler, I had no memory of it, but I’ve seen the photos, it’s beautiful,” he said dreamily. He looked well fucked and high on post-coital dopamine. His hair still damp and standing up in odd angles, his eyes bright and alive. Kay stroked lazy circles on Marc’s belly, ran his fingers through his hair. 

It wasn’t something they do often - Kay topping Marc. Kay had his preference and Marc made no secret that he liked to fuck Kay’s brains out every chance he got. Sex between them was great. Spectacular, if Kay wanted to brag. They were comfortable with their roles. They switch things up every blue moon, when stars and moods aligned. And to Kay, there’s something special when Marc let him do that, to be inside of him. Kay knew Marc hadn’t done that with other men. “Never wanted to,” Marc had said. “Except with you, I want you to.”

It was like Kay was the only person in the world Marc would place his trust in. And to Kay, that’s even better than the sex itself.

“I know there are some great hiking trails too,” Marc was still talking about Norway, tried to make his holiday proposal more appealing to Kay.

Kay smiled. “I’ll go anywhere with you” was his answer.

******

(Marc)

Mats Hartmann’s phone-call came a month after they got back from their fishing holiday.

Marc insisted on driving; they rushed to the care home at 11pm. Mats, Sonja, their two sons, even Daniel, were there. 

It’s heart-breaking. Death is an ugly business, no matter how one wants to dress it up. Klaus’ physical condition deteriorated rapidly in the last two weeks after a bout of pneumonia. He hadn’t been able to recognise anyone for months by then, but Marc knew it was important to Kay that he would be there with Klaus for the last moments.

Marc got to the funeral on time. His fingers dug into the flesh on his palm; he ordered himself to stop shifting his legs. He looked over and saw Kay sitting in the front row. 

The front row for the family. The Hartmann family.

Kay had his arm around Sonja, who was sandwiched between Kay and Mats. Then Mats’ two sons were on the other side of Mats. Daniel was sitting on a row behind, in an expensive black suit with sunglasses on, conversing quietly with an older man with grey hair. Marc recognised that man, Thomas Kohler, he was Kay’s supervisor in the P.I. company, an old friend and business partner of Klaus. 

Marc stared at the back of Daniel Hartmann’s head. Two years on, occasionally he still had murderous thoughts about him. At least Kay’s ‘insurance’ seemed to have kept him on a tight leash. As far as Marc knew, Kay hasn’t seen his ex-husband since they signed the divorce papers. In fact, Marc heard that Daniel would be moving to San Francisco permanently after Klaus’s funeral.

Kay turned around and spotted Marc. Even with ten rows between them, Marc could see the sadness in his eyes. Klaus’ death was far from sudden, but it still hit Kay very hard, he wasn’t eating enough, resting enough. Marc knew. Because he was there for Kay every night.

Mats Hartmann followed Kay’s line of sight; he raised his hand in a gesture of ‘come over’.

Marc hesitated for a half second before he walked over to the front.

“I am sorry for your loss,” he said to Mats and Sonja.

Mats nodded. It was the first time Marc saw him looking less than his usual imposing self. He looked tired; sorrow written on his face. He cleared his throat. “Hey Marc, thank you for coming. Why don’t you sit with Kay here?”

Kay was already taking his hand, so Marc sat down next to him. Sonja reached over and patted Marc’s knee as way of greeting; still sniffling, she couldn’t speak. 

Marc had met Klaus a couple of times, when he had accompanied Kay to the care home to visit. Hartmann senior had no idea who Marc was; Kay had simply introduced him as a ‘detective friend’ and Klaus had instantly warmed up to him. It’s impossible not to like Klaus. And Marc liked the idea that Kay wanted him to know the person who’s important to him.

“You okay?” Marc asked softly. Kay’s eyes were dry, but red-rimmed.

He nodded; eyes downcast. “Just don’t want to say goodbye.”

Marc pulled him closer and kissed the side of his head. Thankful that he was able to be here for Kay. As if their thoughts were in sync, Kay leaned into the touch. “I am glad you are here,” he sighed.

Marc said, “I will be here for you. Always.” 

The End


End file.
